Tell Me You Love Me - Again and Again

I wouldn't advise that you show this type of exasperation, though. She takes your response very seriously just as if it was the first time you ever said it. Don't hang up the phone without saying it; she will call you right back and ask what's wrong, why didn't you say it. Don't leave the house without saying it, either. You won't make it out of the driveway until your cell phone rings; guess who? She wants to know why you left the house without say it.

Don't leave her any little notes or emails without saying it. You will be interrogated as to why your correspondence was so "impersonal." And for Heaven's sake, if you value your life, don't fall asleep without saying it! This is an instant recipe for disaster; she will lie there for hours brooding about it, and then wake you up with heart-wrenching sobs, asking you what has gone wrong with your relationship. Simply being exhausted after a long day is just not good enough, mister!

Why does she do this? What seems like a very mysterious demonstration of female eccentricity has a very simple explanation.

You see, men "lead" with their thoughts, and women "lead" with their feelings.

There's no use trying to change it; it's DNA. Throughout recorded history, and no doubt before, women have been the nurturers, the caretakers, and the emotional core of a couple. Men, on the other hand, were the problem-solvers, the providers, and the thinking core of a couple. Since this is the way we're made, there's no use fighting it. However, neither feelings nor thoughts should completely dominate a relationship. If that happens, your relationship is doomed to fail because it's unequal and out of balance.

Can you strike a happy medium? Sure, if you both want to. Just like you can learn to disagree without being disagreeable, you can also learn to each have your own needs met, but not to the exclusion of the other partner's needs. In order to accomplish this, you're going to have to do the thing that makes you cringe the most: you're going to have to talk about your relationship. I know you'd rather just live it instead of talking about it, but this isn't going to work for her; she needs to talk out her feelings.

Now remember, I'm talking about compromise here. She shouldn't dominate the conversation with the 612 emotional things she needs from you. Nor should you dominate the discussion by analyzing the problem and coming up with the "correct" conclusion whether she likes it or not. What I'm suggesting is that you both have equal time to talk about this issue, uninterrupted, for just a few moments.

You can both explain what you do need, and don't need, from each other. For example, it's neither emotionally healthy nor equitable for you to have to tell her all day long that you love her. In fact, the more you say it, the less meaningful it becomes. Can you explain this to her, while at the same time giving her the reassurance of your affection that she needs?

On her part, she may want to tell you how important it is for her to feel loved and secure in your relationship, and she can be honest and tell you just what she needs to feed her feelings without becoming "clingy." In the long haul of a relationship, "thinking" men don't want to spend their lives with an overly-emotionally needy person. It's a drag. When you're exasperated with her neediness, you just might get so cranky with her that you'll say things in anger that you don't mean, but can't ever take back. And women have very long memories.

Now I'll let you in on a secret: if women don't feel totally loved, if we don't feel secure in a relationship, we will automatically assume that there is another woman involved. Ah ha! So that's it! That's why he left without saying he loves me! He's going to see HER. Even if there is no HER and hasn't been for all the time you've known your beloved, she's not going to buy it. In a relationship, what a woman fears the most is other women.

Thus, you may need to establish some boundaries, and this is a good thing, nothing to be feared. Every relationship must have limits and boundaries of what's okay and what's not okay. Now you know why your beloved asks the same question until you find yourself replying on autopilot, meaning it, and not meaning it; just saying your lines as if you were in a play. You both can do better than this, you deserve better than this!

You know you love her, and she knows you love her. Don't play this silly game any longer; have "the conversation!" You won't regret it, and neither will she.