How do I stop a male friend getting too close?

Question

I've been good friends with a guy for about a year now.  When we first started hanging out, he did ask me out.  I said that I only wanted to be friends (because I wasn't attracted to him).  We've been getting pretty close as friends ever since, and I usually meet him or speak to him once a week.  I've always been really clear that I want to be friends.  However I've noticed that he kind of takes any opportunity he can to get close.  We often hug when we meet up, which is fine.  But he also tries to link arms and hold hands with me, stands close and often puts his arm around my shoulder.  Tonight he kissed me on the cheek. I know these are not really anything particularly romantic and they can be read as more friendly than romantic, but I wonder about his motives.  I should mention that we are both in our early 20s and single.  He also has never had a girlfriend, and he has a lot of female friends.  So I guess I want to know is he getting too close or am I reading too much into this?  And if he is a bit too close, how can I get him scale it back or tone it down?  I do want to keep him as a friend.

mercutio · Accepted Answer

The first thing you need to understand is that guys who have been put in the friend zone are always going to act differently. Always. It doesn't matter if you gave them the "let's be friends" line yesterday, last year, or ten years ago. The friend zone is like the relationship equivalent of the Twilight Zone: the rules are just plain different.

For example, even if a guy in the friend zone truly is completely over you, that doesn't mean he's going to act normally around you, that means he's going to overcompensate and try to prove how over you he actually is (ie, flaunting dates, treating you more like "one of the guys" than he treats most guys, etc.). That said, the fact that he's obviously more comfortable with touching you now does mean he's still attracted to you, but not for the reasons you think.

From what I can tell about this guy, there's some good news and some bad news. The good news is that it sounds like he has accepted the fact that you two will never be together. The bad news is that he's not over you. I was in a similar situation with a girl a few years back where I had asked her out from the start, she had said no, but we had proceeded to become really good friends and got really close. When it finally hit me that we would never be together, I found myself wanting nothing more than to just touch and hold this girl. The thinking is "We're just friends, right? Friends put their arms around each other all the time, right? Friends can kiss each other on the cheek, no problem, right?" The truth is, this guy is still very much into you, but now he's using the whole friend thing as an excuse to touch you.

The other posts are right: don't jump to conclusions. I would, however, say this: trust your instincts. Sometimes in matters of the heart, it's better to follow your head or your heart or whatever, but in this situation, go with your gut. If you feel like he's trying to make a move, he probably is.

Here's what I would recommend: wait for a couple days and see what happens next. The kissing on the cheek is a big step, which means he's been emboldened. That means whatever happens next is going to be big, or at least tell you a lot. I'd say if he kisses you on the cheek again, or if he takes it to the next level with a kiss on the lips or whatever, you should probably tell him that you're still not interested. Reestablish the boundaries. If, however, he downshifts into more handholding or whatever, wait it out. Even if he gets so far as to delude himself from all the handholding that you guys are together or whatever, that won't last long before he tries to kiss you. That's your signal.

Lastly, if the handholding and hugging is making you uncomfortable, then nothing else matters. I'm focusing on what to do if things progress, but if you're not okay with the way things are now, tell him so.

ryanontario · Accepted Answer

you just need to point out that your just friends and nothing more , need to not be doing anything as well that might be viewed as wanting more from him

Angela11 · Accepted Answer

I sincerely smiled when I saw ur story, I am in a similar situation, I got this male friend he is 24 and I am 23, we've know each other up to a year, it has always been laughs even when he flirts, but recently it feels like he is getting tooo close and I don't want to be in a situation ship of any sort, I really don't know how to push him back without making it look weird

SinfullySweet · Accepted Answer

Maybe you are..maybe you aren't..

Tell it to him straight..

Be 100% real with him and how your feeling about it.

You can't lose a friend by speaking your mind in situations like this..

But do make sure what his intentions are with you first... So you don't make a fool of yourself cause of assumptions - jumping to conclusions.

davyjones · Answer

tell him you're in love with him thatl make him run a mile. no don't do that. dude likes you if he's holding hands. don't put a guys d*** in your pocket. means don't boy him up. tell him in life a genuine male friend is a diamond that's hard to come by and that your there for him too, and its a blessing cos you'll give him advise on women, dressing sexy anything. and make sure you're ready for when he pulls someone else and you ain't the most important thing going. I don't mean to be harsh, its just he's in the friends zone and that ain't fun. as a cool responsible adult you should be helping him get a girlfriend and getting ready to live with the consequences. thatl sort out the imbalance.

Little-Hippie · Answer

Yes, it's fair to assume that he'd like to put his penis in you.

But you can't just call him on it.

Being straight with him is not that way to go in this instance.

He can just deny and you'll look stupid because he never really did anything to ascertain that he wants more than friendship.

And he has an army of female friends to back up his assertions.

Any action that would assert that he likes you prior to him making a move will make you look like a bitch.

I know this game.

You'll have to wait until he makes a move.

That's all you can do.

In the mean time, you can just be particularly diligent about pushing him away when he tries something slightly too physical for friendship such as the hand-holding and arm grabbing.

Move his hand or arm when he tries and see if his behavior changes.

Or, it might just spark a reaction out of him. Then you'll know something for sure.

arisato- · Answer

Well, you can't really be friends with a guy without expecting him to act like that. I mean... actually expecting hiom not to is just cruel. Guy's don't have "friend zones". If he is hanging out with you at all, he likes you. The only way to stop it is to not hang out with him.

The-Dude-Next-Door · Answer

He definitely wants your vagina.

How do I stop a male friend getting too close?

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