My wife wants to date someone else

She is a 'free spirit' yet she took vows to forsake all others and commit to you. This is a small time 'fling.' What about in sickness and health? You're injured so she should be standing by and taking care of you and your baby. Moreover, she is a parent and role model, what kind of example is she setting to your child?
I think her actions and demeanor are selfish and immature. She should have never gotten married if these are her intentions. Marriage is a commitment and hard work. Furthermore, since you're in the military, all the more she needs to be strong, patient, support you and stand by her vows.
I think you both need martial counseling to enhance your communication, recapture your relationship and save the marriage. A fling will only exacerbate matters and hurt everyone in the end, it won't remedy the underlying issues. It's an excuse and form of escapism from the issues at hand.
The decision is yours. Good luck and thank you for serving our country.

i think what you are doing is a great thing and I am sure it is hard for her when you are gone to stay home without you there taking care of a child ... but I think if she honestly loves you she would tend to your needs as you tend to hers ... show her that you love her and care ... and if its sleeping with someone else she wants then switch it up in the bedroom ... try being a free spirit ... show her that its not worth sleeping with someone else because you can be everything she needs and wants you to be ... instead of bringing home flowers brinf her home something silly like cupcakes with frogs on them or even little gifts for her here and there like if she needs a new tuthbrush get it and replce her old one leave cute messeges for her before she gos to work ... draw her a bubble bath before bed bath her while your at it ... women want to feel sexy and wanted ... at the same time they want you to guess what they want if that makes sense ... we don't feel as if we should tell you things that we want ... we want you to just know! good luck!

When people get married, unless you discussed it ahead of time, most people expect that to mean monogamy. Yes, people do live alternative lifestyles but both people get a say in that. Being married to a man in the military is hard. My family has a long history in the military and I see how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you are not physically together. But in the end you are married and you have a say in this as well.

I hope she finds making her idea come to fruition to be not so exciting as it seems right now. I hope the two of you can work this out.

What the hell, that's really f***dup. because if she really loves you, no matter where the hell you are! she stiill would wait for you... that's no excuse.

its crazy that she told you...but honestly that could help, or make things worse. You have to decide how it will make you feel. Maybe dating someone yourself may make you feel better. You are allowed to do the same thing she is doing right? So go get some fresh poontang

What she is doing IS cheating. You need to let her know what she is sacrificing for this "dating". How would she like it if you dated someone else? What kind of example is she making for her son? I think she just needs a reality check. Hang in there :)

Heartbreaking! What gets me is that your wife is MARRIED to YOU. She made a vow, signed the papers, and is the mother of your child. She chose her path in life. Marrying someone who fights for their country, you must know what they're getting into beforehand. I really hate it when people try to shy away from their responsibilities. I have the sudden urge to slap her via the internet. What she's doing shows a flagrant disregard to you and your marriage and life together. I can't imagine how hurt you are...

No offense, but your wife needs to get her head on straight and put aside her wants and needs, and be a good wife and mother. I encourage you to seek counseling (not for you, but together as a couple). I don't care if she's the ultimate "earth child", when you marry someone, that's a lifelong commitment... no room for wandering free spirits. If she refuses to give up her need to "date" (which honestly, the kind of guys that would date a married woman are nothing special!) or seek counseling, tell her you'd like a divorce (because really that's all you can do at that point) and try to get full custody of your child. Maybe she needs a hard dose of reality.

Wishing you all the best : (

I'm a free spirit but she is just a selfish bitch. Chunk the deuces at her and show her some divorce papers to scare her straight. You are not wrong at all, she is so dumb. When you are married as man and wife you don't get to play around. Maybe you should let her catch you in the act with a friend of hers. Okay that's spiteful but you know what I mean.

Thank you for serving our country. You know you sound like a great guy. You're gainfully employed, take care of your family and have love for your wife and son. There are so many guys out there that ain't sh*t you would be a refreshing change for a woman who would really appreciate you. It's not fair that women like that get good men!

Oh this is so sad! She should never have gotten married if that is how she feels. Adultery is adultery, whether the other person knows or not. As for being a free spirit, who can't be expected to be tied down to just one man, doesn't she know that marriage means exactly that? Did she not say the lines about fidelity? I wish I could tell you that if you fight for your marriage, she will come around. But speaking honestly? It sounds as though she simply doesn't have the emotional maturity to be married to anyone. She doesn't understand what committment means. And, frankly, she is too selfish. If she agrees, I'd suggest couple's therapy, if nothing else than to pershaps make it easier if you do divorce (especially having child) but in all honesty, I really suspect that she is incapable, given her mindset, of being in a marriage. I'm sorry you are going though this. I doubt that your service to the country is a real factor here (and thank you for your service, by the way). This is a problem that resides inside of her. She's not wanting to cheat due to unbearable loneliness and neglect. If she said all that you claim, she is wanting to cheat because she does not have the moral development to tell her that it's wrong. She feels entitled. And that will be incredibly hard for the 2 of you to overcome, I'm afraid.

I don't think you're in the wrong! I'm surprised. I would say its either all of me or none of me. If she LOVED you, do you really think she'd desire anything but YOU? She must not know what she's got. A man who goes around all over the country fighting for HER and HER family, and still stays true to her. I'm sure as a soldier you had plenty of opportunities to cheat. She must of fallen off of the wagon...

I am a woman much like your wife. I have felt the loss of freedom and loss of self after having children. My husband ignored me for a very long time, he spent every night in the garage for many years working on his classic car.

I got lonely and bored. Eight years ago, I found a guy on-line to meet for fun & games. It was less than satisfying. I have moved on to other partners. I feel somewhat connected to one of them, but still am pursuing others. My heart is searching for something I have not yet found. I have tried counseling, both marriage and individual - they did not work. I would leave, but I do have small kids, too, so I feel anchored.

I would love to tell you to be strong, it will get better, but I can't. I would love to tell you to pack it up and move on, but it is never that easy, so I won't. The one thing I hope you will do is to take care of your son and yourself. Hang in there and be sure to talk with someone about your feelings.

Thank you for serving our country, although it sounds like it may have come with a very high price.

Tell her if she loves you, she wouldn't do it

my boyfriend is about to go into the Army, and I wouldn't even think about dating another guy, because I love him<3

I really feel for you. I have two brothers in the military, and I know that marriages can really suffer because of all demands of being in the military--mainly from being gone so much.
My younger brother has already been divorced twice at 42.

As a woman myself whose had kids, I can tell you that your wife probably feels that her freedom has been taken from her. That's what its like when you have kids. You love them with all your heart but there is no time for you anymore. If you are gone a lot, the burden is all on her during those times & she feels even less freedom. She also probably doesn't feel as attractive now that she is a Mom. Sounds like she is searching for those feelings of freedom & sexiness again. It probably doesn't have a lot to do with you -- although being gone definitely played a part I am guessing. Its more to do with her and how she feels about herself.

My thoughts are to tell her exactly how you feel -- sit down with her when you can find a good moment -- when the baby is asleep & you are getting along. Tell her exactly what you said on here-- that she and your baby are everything to you. That to you, she is beautiful. Maybe tell her that it would be so hard to let her go but you can't stop her. But, that you also can't be waiting for her as she goes out with other men. That if she wants that, you must at least separate until she finds herself. I think the more you try to stop her from what she wants, the more she will run to that. I think she feels trapped. So, begging her to stay isn't going to help. You need to be really confident in yourself. Show her you love her but are also strong and won't put up with her having a fling. Don't blame yourself -- don't act like you can't find happiness again with someone else. Tell her you love her but that you will move on if that's what she wants. Women don't like a guy who is down on himself or begging a woman to come back to him. So, let her know how much she means to you but don't beg to have her back.

I would also suggest maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to go to individual counseling (on her own), to see if she can find herself. And, marriage counseling would also be good. It might also help if she can find some activities she likes that you could support her in doing...exercising, joining a club, whatever. She needs to feel some freedom and being able to do things by herself would help that.

I think she is in a personal crisis. Its not as much about your marriage. Its about her struggling to find herself. I've been there. I hope it works out. You sound like a good guy.

Looks like you are a perfect catch for her. She gets everything with cream and sugar on top. With this girl you can not expect anything as long as you have to leave all the time. And seriously, why should she sit home and be bored while you are flying around in your fighter jet? That's not fair at all man. You're a cool fighter pilot and perhaps she is imagining a nice life with you when you get older. But for now you are not there, so why would she start to grow wrinkles and gray hairs and sit on a couch alone and feel miserable? She needs a life, she got it, and she is honest about it.

Tell her go agead and do it but for one, its against the rules of marriage because you swore to god not to do such bullsh*tt, and two if you date someone els regaurdless of our vows we made to each other than I will date also and tell her once you find someone better than her your kicking her ass out and taking the child since she cheated first. That's so disrespectful man your in the military and you let that sh*t ride? man! SO help me god!

She's a wretch. Not that I mean to insult you, but this woman has no sense of true love to her if this is the case. Love is sacrificial by nature, and ultimately, tying yourself to someone is the effect of it. She can't love you and be a 'free spirit' in this sense at the same time. If she loved you, she would sacrifice whatever is necessary for you, just as you should for her.

She is being completely unfaithful to you physically and emotionally. It is your decision what to do here, but she is being a loose wife. You would be completely justified in leaving her, especially on grounds of adultery. It is unfortunate you have a child in the mix, and I can only pity the boy if he has a mother who is like this. You are really at a quandary here.

What to do with a sweet wayward wife? You have all the ground in the world to aggressively oppose this. You deserve better than this emotional abuse.


-Count D.

There is the _potential_ for it to not be cheating, since she's being open about it and involving you. But the limit on that is that, until both parties are on the same page (which can take some time, if it happens at all) taking action on it will push it over into simple cheating. Both the swinging lifestyle (both partners allowed to have short-term, sexual-only outside interests) and polyamory (both partners allowed to have medium-to-long-term emotional/sexual outside connections) require a massive amount of communication and back-and-forth if both partners aren't seeing eye to eye yet. If she's willing to temporarily put implementing this on the back burner while the two of you come to terms with how this idea resonates inside your marriage, then there shouldn't be a reason to panic.

In your situation, I'd strongly recommend reading Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" which is the best book on polyamory and open relationships that I've found. It's thorough and has a pretty good balance of information and opinion, and has the advantage of acknowledging that there are people for whom it just doesn't work, so the book doesn't turn into pro-poly propaganda.

I'm actually in almost the opposite situation from you, as I've fairly recently realized that I'm in a similar position to your wife. I don’t know much about your specific situation, but maybe hearing about how it is for me might help you find another perspective on what your wife is saying.

If I look honestly at who I am, I've always needed (and almost always stifled the need for) more than one person in my life to love. Certainly since I got married I've been stifling that part of myself and have never cheated, it's just been a continual burn of energy to distract myself from it. I don't need it for the sake of freedom, as much as for...what, honesty with myself? Realizing this about who I was, just threw everything I knew about my entire life up until this point into a new, clearer configuration. Just by knowing that, being honest about it with myself, actually felt like I wasn't compromising something close to my core anymore.

In my case at least, it's similar the feeling you might have when realizing that your sexual orientation is different that you'd assumed all your life. Mindbending, but a very deep relief when you finally accept who you are, for the first time in your life.

Now whether I take _action_ on it, is another matter entirely. Or what kind of action. I'm still working on that one myself. I’ll never cheat on my wife -- never do anything behind her back. But my “orientation” isn’t going away either. But I’m patient; I can work it out with my wife over time.

Long-winded, and more about me than you, but I hope this helps you some. I really do realize it’s got to be hugely painful for you to be going through this. And “Opening Up” really is worth a look, if nothing else just so you realize you’re not the only one facing just this sort of situation.

First of all, THank you so much for your dedication to our country. It takes a special man to make the sacrifices that are asked of him in order to defend our liberty and our freedoms. I admire you that because I know the losses you have yet to experience because of your dedication. And being a veteran myself I know that our country will do precious little to thank you for that sacrifice. Now off of my soap box.

The military life is a hard life on families. Yours is not an uncommon story. However it is from the respect of your wife's attitude. How can it NOT be cheating? I mean come on there is a free spirit and then there is just plain self centered. SHe wants YOU to babysit while wounded so SHE can go out and whore around. Sorry to put it that bluntly but that is exactly how it is. It's not free spirited or wild and free it's just plain self centered and it's just plain usery. And it's so bold faced that it actually turns my stomach.

Tell you what. Tell her to go talk to your lawyer and ask HIM if it's not cheating even though she lets you know what she is doing.

My heart breaks for you my friend. What I said about sacrifices yet realized goes double now.

She sounds selfish. I'm sorry for what your going through.

You can be a lot of things but you can never be a second opinion.

I have been married for 17 years and I have had a number of additional relationships during that time. My wife knows about them and approves. Despite having sex with a lot of other women, I have never considered leaving my wife or altering out relationship. My wife was a close friend of mine for years before we got married. She knew that I wouldn't wind up being monogamous and if I tried, I would be a fundamentally different person than the one she wanted to marry. It's all part of the same package.

Here's some things I found out:
Most of the damage done by infidelity is from the lying than from the sex
Most sexual relationships are very short term, lasting only as long as the initial attraction.
Most people who want outside sex have no interest in divorcing their current partner

Chances are that what she really wants to know is that she is still attractive and has her own identity. I would strongly suggest that you not only support it but even seek to participate. You might find swinging a little less threatening and more rewarding (swingers, oddly enough, are extremely pro marriage and go out of their way to make sure there isn't marital discord).

You can't stop her and all you are going to do is more damage to your relationship. Think about your actions carefully. She might actually be making your marriage stronger. After all, what can anyone else offer her that you don't already give, including access to their body?

If she such a free spirit that she needs to be with multiple men maybe she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Listen to yourself man. You're debating in letting your wife cheat on you. If she wants to do it, it's time to break it off with her. It's still cheating whether she tells you about it or not. Be a man...stand up.

I think she is trying to have the best of both worlds. Those two worlds being the long relationship and the short one. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. When you're unmarried you can switch more easily, and have as many flings as you want, but in a marriage things can get stale. Even in a functional well adjusted marriage you will lose the excitement and passion of the short relationship, even though you probably remember it very well. However as a "free spirit" she still wants that excitement and passion, in addition to the love and commitment. Now she thinks she needs two separate people to get both.

Basically you need to think back to the beginning of your relationship and start doing the things that made her initially fall in love with you. Unless she has come to subconsciously associate you with the staleness of her mid-life, you should be able to reignite the old passions. It will require doing things that will seem extremely silly as a middle aged family man, but it will be worth it, and be a lot of fun. This is a stereotype, but fighter jocks are known for having a certain personality that is attractive to wild women, time to turn that on.

Hire a baby sitter and stop being her husband for a few hours, and be her hot fling.

YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. She is a piece of trash that you honestly shouldn't have married in the first place. Now you have a son and she wants to date somebody else? What the hell does being a "free spirit" do that allows you to do whatever you want. Trust me I've been in the military and I've seen guys marrying girls that they shouldn't have, and its always a messy affair when they have a kid but you need to do what is best for you and your son. You deserve a girl that will be faithful to you and you son deserves to know how a married couple should be.
LEAVE HER, I cannot stress this enough.
Good luck bro.

Open Marriages can work. I cheated on my wife due to being very unhappy. It ended a bad marriage and I resolved never to marry or lie again. Then I met my current wife. She agreed to an open marriage, because I too see myself as a free spirit. We learned that being honest with each other and talking things out kept us together and very happy.

Cheating is akin to lying. If she is honest about just wanting a fun friend, and you think you can deal with that, then keep the marriage together. If you leave her, it is over. If you stay, maybe it will be over later, but then again, it might work.

We have been together for nine years, and it just keeps getting better.

Yes, she has the same freedom to PLAY as I do. And our love for each other is stronger, because we have an unconditional love that is expressed everyday.

Good Luck,
James

its ok to be a free spirit

but once you get married she has to understand
that she will be a bit more restricted


i doubt that if just after you got married if you told her that you want to date other
people because you're a free spirit she would find it acceptable.


free spirit, what does that even mean, its just nonsense,
what does she think she is, a butterfly?

you can't be a free spirit with a family

shes just using this bogus term to justify doing whatever she wants.


if I had to guess what happened, youve been away for a long time
and she's already been seeing other guys and she has gotten used to it

and now that you are back home, you are restricting the freedom she had to do this

thats why she's resorted to telling you all this.


she says she is not yet looking but..

You should talk to her about it, because it is very likely that there is another guy in the picture.
There must be, because if there wasn't , there would be no point in her bringing all this up for a hypothetical situation in which she might date someone if she met them. Its more likely that she already has met this person.

"I have been in the air force for nine years as a fighter pilot."

You got your Bachelor's degree and went through ROTC/OTS before you were 20? That's pretty good (if true).

Reading your story turns my stomach inside out. The passion you used to describe her and the problem you’re having. I couldn't image being in your situation. This must be eating you up, does she see that? I know you’re a military man and it goes against your nature (every guys nature for that matter) but be honest with yourself and your wife, let her know exactly how you’re feeling.

I understand that some people are free spirits and don't look at sex the same way as others, swingers are a good example, but obviously your not that person. She says it's just something she will "need" to do from time to time. I think you need to dig deeper into why she actually feels she "needs" to get gratification from other men. I could easily come to the deduction that if you were over sea’s, she would be sexually frustrated, but you said you’re home now.

Living life to the fullest is not a very good explanation. Why would she have regrets about being with only one man? Why does she feel you’re not enough? I really think you need to try and get some concrete answers from her.

If this is something she will do with or without your approval you should ask yourself, can you overcome your emotions and block out the pain, all the while holding together your relationship? Are you going to constantly be wondering where she is? Who she is with? What is she doing? I understand you love her but love is not always enough.

I hope you find the clarification you're searching for, if not from me, from someone else.

Dating for cheating? Not to be accepted unless you're very open minded or/and if you want to do the same.
Or "dating" just talking friends, doing some activities with another guy, IDK, sports, movies? Should be no problem at all.