Lil' background: I'm a quiet, introverted nerd guy. Not the stereotypical variety: I dress normal, act normal, etc, even though I have a genius level IQ. Unfortunately, this allowed me excel in school without trying, even at the well-respected university I'm at now. I was also a late bloomer physically too, so needless to say, I've been at the bottom of the social ladder my whole life up until (and possibly through) this point.
Because of this, I find it almost impossible to be mean to girls. Guys, sure. In general I'm a nice person I'm not a total wimp.
My relationship history is basically rejection after rejection up until a few months ago. No need for details, but it's quite obvious to me I'm just not mean enough. "Mean" isn't a word people like to use for it, probably something more like "bad ass" or "bad boy" or "dangerous" or "mysterious" or "might try to f*** my sister when I'm out of town", but the idea is the same.
Just so we're clear, I'm not talking just about turned down date opportunities, those are expected and totally appropriate. What I'm referring to is that time period where you're first dating and you're basically scoping each other out for obvious things that would make the relationship not work. I f*** this up every single time. Most of these girls quickly move on to some other guy, often someone I know and someone I know is an awful person.
I think it could be because my affection for someone, which manifests itself as being nice to them, does not come across aggressive enough. It seems the successful formula is to treat her like shit and have sex with her whether she wants to or not, because if you treat her bad enough, she'll put out anyway and if you balance it just right, she'll keep coming back. I hate thinking of it that way, but my ladykiller friends do this all the time.
Then I think maybe I'm being overbearing, but ultimately I realize I'm not. I don't go saying "I love you", buy expensive gifts, talk about "our future" or any other creepy things I've been told some guys do. I think my dates have all gone pretty normally except for rarely leading to a second one.
Then I think maybe it's my confidence. I had issues with that in the past, but right now my life is going pretty well and I certainly feel pretty good about it and what I'm doing with it.
This applies to before the date, but sometimes I think I might come across as "too gay". I don't mean this in a derogatory sense to homosexual people, I'm openminded and have gay friends, it doesn't bother me when a dude hits on me, etc. But my interests don't include sports, I'm into Buddhism, yet not into shopping or shoes. I guess what I'm saying is that if I were to just list my interests out except for a few obviously masculine ones, you might have trouble telling if the typist was a girl or guy.
My questions are going to be in the comment section because I ran out of room.
Update: Ladies: What's the real deal with not wanting to be with a nice guy, even if it isn't the fact that he's nice but something related to being nice? How can I be an asshole without being too much of an asshole? Guys: if you've experienced
4 months ago
Well I don't think you should act like an ass to please some trashy girls who just want to mess with you be the nice guy you are and stick with it not to brag but to just give you an idea of what I am talking about I am popular at school and I don't like the big tough guys I like the nice guys and so kids seem confused on why I don't like the football player type but I just don't find a girl who loves that nice guy in you and respects the good that you are and then date her but do not lower your smartness and kindness to please a brainless girl you don't deserve that at all so please stay true to who you are and let them come to you
Well. You're assuming they are assholes for what YOU see. I know guys that are HUGE assholes to everybody EXCEPT me because they like me a lot. It makes them seem I guess. Tough like everybody is scared of them because they are mean to everybody except they are sooo nice to you.
If that makes any sense. I'm sorry if it doesn't.
In example, I know guys that make fun of other guys on their sports teams but they will come over to me and be like hey cutie, can I have a hug?. And I just forget about what they said to the other guy because the other guy isn't as "aggressive" if that's what you want to call it.
I have been good friends with nice guys but I would never want anything with them because I see them as a friend. Like a girl that could come and sleep over my house but never want to do anything sexually with me. Which is sometimes comforting but not for a boyfriend!
You may want to try showing your masculine side more often if you like all girl things. Like if you even workout for an hour or 2 a day. Girls will think its hot because it shows that you care about what you look like; but your not cocky!
You may be looking at the wrong girls. Try meeting girls in a library, or if you love going to play golf. Meet them there. If you meet girls with the same interests as you; you will be more successful with girls!
You shouldn't be nice to people if you see them being mean to everyone else, unless the other person provoked it (happens sometimes). You should treat him the way he treats other people! - 5 days ago
If I'm gonna be completely honest. You sound like an amazing person. I don't understand the attraction other girls have to the bad boys. I LOVE nice guys. Don't change, because girls don't want to be with a bad boy long term. It's exciting for a while, I'm sure, but who wants to settle down with someone like that? Don't try to be an asshole because that's not who you are, and the kinds of women you attract that way aren't going to be the ones you want to be with.
I'm not sure why you look at your smarts as a disadvantage. I think intelligence and the geek factor are sexy. And I do NOT want a guy who is just going to string me along and use me for sex. I like to take things slow in a relationship and I would prefer a partner who feels the same. It seems like if you had more confidence in yourself, you would get more second dates. Don't look at your strengths, such as your intelligence, as weaknesses. Just remember that to some women out there, you are the perfect man. Not to everyone. No one is perfect for everyone. But to some women, you are. And just know that if a woman turns you down, there's another one out there who would kill to have a guy like you. I think if you just stop being so down on yourself, you will do very well! :) But don't become an asshole! The world has enough of those as it is without the nice guys going to the dark side!
Thanks AC :) That being said, I fear waiting. I have friends in their 30s who are similar to me and still single. The girl I'm with now is my first serious gf, and even she's been so turned off by my affection that she's made me stop having sex w/ her. - 4 months ago
Question Asker
(I don't mean never having sex again, I mean like stopping in the middle of it) - 4 months ago
Answerer
The idea of being turned off by affection is odd to me, but it could be you're going just a bit over the top. It's hard to say w/o knowing exactly what you do, but perhaps less sugary-sweet and some occasional aggression? Not "mean," but strong/dominant? - 4 months ago
Ok let me try and explain this, ok my friend no need to worry maybe I can help you, first off I get lots of girls not trying to be cocky but I just do, now I am not what you would call an asshole, but I am not a nice guy. I walk into a place like I own the place, stand tall never slump, I don't scan the room for babes I casually walk not fast but just casual if I have friends who are with me I go talk to them for a bit, and then I venture off slowly not fast like I have all the time in the world, I look at women and I smile, by doing this you come off as friendly and not a creep. If I see a girl I like I make eye contact and never look away before she does, I might even give her a playful smirk or smile, little bit of flirtacious movement. Then I casually not running and not walking fast walk up to the girl and say hi, in a normal voice not high pitched just normal. I then start small chit chat very little just mainly what's your name how old you are stuff lke that. If its a dance hall or something I will say lets go dance they normally will agree, or if you want take their hand and lead them to the dance floor and start to dance. When you dance its hard to hear so don't tell her your lifes story simply ask so are you single? If she says yes then dance more, at this point kind of joke with her while your dancing make her laugh stuff like that, and then when the dance is over say something like hey I want to take you out next weekend, what's your number? She will prob give it to you, and when she does I always say something like hey this better not be pizza huts number and they laugh and go no no its not, so once you put it in your phone immediately call her phone when it rings say, your right it wasn't. Women love a man they can joke with and they love a guy whos very confident and even assertive, I get that all the time they say wow your so assertive and you know what you want and I say yup your right babe, and they go wow that's such a turn on or some say that's really hot. Don't be afraid of them hold their hand tickle them tease them playfully and never ever ask to kiss them, just do it or if your scared say do you want to kiss me? The key is confidence if your have women know and they are attracted to it if you don't then learn it.
Ok, I'm a nice guy as well. I know what your going through to a point. I'm still that "bad ass nice guy" I know when and when not to be nice. But here's the thing that my father had told me about "nice guys". When the girl finally realizes that they have always went for and will always have a crush for the bad boys, when they realize that, and know that they will never change they will go for a nice guy, at that point the bad ass has already given them 3 kids and made them get on depression meds because they abused them emotionally, with all the cheating the fighting and what not else. Dude. Honestly do not change. Ain't nobody on this earth worth your time if you have to change who you are and what you believe in, keep on keeping on and things will change.
See... in certain circles there's "nice guys" and then "nice guys" Almost as if it were a New word. It's got its own little definition and connotation.
I used to be a nice guy. I'm a recovering nice guy. There are times when I want to please everybody from time to time. There are occasions where I'm someone slow to notice when people are trying to walk all over me.
But I'm much better. I try to live my moral life a little bit based on the character of ASLAN from the Chronicles of Narnia (to paraphrase): "You mustn't press him, for he's not a tame lion." "No, but he is good."
My male friends, in most ways, are kind people. I love my friends. But don't think for a second that they're my friends particularly because they're nice. I've got buddies who will defend me, and would stick up for me. And they would call anyone to the floor who badmouthed me, and I'd do the same for them. A few of my best friends got to be my best friends because we'd insult each other back and forth.
I would hope that any sane woman would want a kind man. But most women are not interested in the "nice guy" or chump who will let people do anything to them. There's my opinion on the difference.
Well that's what I was trying to say about not being a wimp. I can totally see girls not being attracted to that type (which maybe I come across as), but I'm not that way. I've been in fights, I'm assertive, but what am I suppose to do, knock her out? - 4 months ago
First of all, girls go for assholes (or "bad ass" or "bad boy" or "dangerous" or "mysterious" or "might try to f*** my sister when I'm out of town" boys). Women go for men like you. The right one WILL come around. I know you want action as much as your "ladykiller" friends but if you don't emanate that you're the sh*t through body language (you have to be comfortable with yourself before being able to do that), the girls won't really be into you. Girls are "unique" like that. Don't turn yourself into something you're not. The ladies can smell the BS. Just go about your everyday functions without giving a thought to women. That's the best advice I can give to you. But what do I know, I'm Just A Random Guy.
yeah I had to be kinda like an ass to get with this girl and I was nice before but it didn't seem to work I took over her begin possessive and kinda...
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Describe your ideal first date; Where do you go? What do you wear? How does the date end?
My ideal of a first date with someone would have to be us hanging out at an amusement park like six flags or seaside heights and get on rides all night long. then we'd eat at some easy restaurant like mccie ds or taco bell ( my favorite!! ) and then we'd go to his or my house and watch a movie or just hang out.to end the night with a delicious kiss good night!
Afterwards..what will your date know about you?
I'm easy going and you don't have to spend a lot of money to hang with me. I'm a very simple date.
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