Found out my dad is not my biological father. Mom won't tell me the other guy's name. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I'm 21 years old. Here's the story: a few months ago, just before I turned 21, my mom told me the man she is married to (let's call him Joe) is not my real dad. I knew something was up for several years because they both have blue eyes and mine are brown. But that's all beside the point here. The big issue I have is that she won't tell me his name.

My mom told me this: she was dating a guy, got pregnant by him (with me), and then left him a couple of weeks later. Shortly after that she met Joe and he was cool with her being pregnant with another man's baby and whatnot. I was born and his name was put on my birth certificate as my father, and I have his last name. He raised me as his own child, and had 4 other kids with my mom. I was never treated differently than any of them.

All I know about my bio dad is that he is from Toronto (and that's where I live too), went to University of Toronto, is my Mom's age (mid-forties, my mom was 23 when I was born), and of course that he has brown eyes :-)

Mom doesn't think it's important for me to know his name. That upsets me so much, it makes me very angry that she thinks that way. I've told her this and it doesn't seem to bother her. I'm constantly thinking about how different my life would be if I knew him or even if he married my mom instead of Joe. I'm totally obsessed with this and it bothers me. I'm not sure how to get my mom to tell me his name.

Sorry for the length, I just had to vent and get some thoughts from you guys.

Nothing

Snoop through my Mom's stuff to see if she has a record of ex-boyfriends

Ask her siblings if they know who he is

Tell my mom straight out that this is bothering me

[momof3cc]

a man once asked his mom the same question. He was a geneticist and he couldn't figure out a few missing things about himself and his dad. He asked and found out that his mom was raped by 6 men. She and his dad were on their way to Senior prom when they got mugged and the men knocked him unconscious. They took turns with her. They left her and she held her boyfriends head on her lap. She got pregnant and as soon as they got out of highschool, she and her boyfriend got married. She believed that abortion was a sin, she was afraid to be a single mom, she loves her boyfriend and he loves her, he didn't want her to live in shame or be ostracized by society. He took the baby as his own and loved him as best he could and he did. He only found all this out a few months after his known father's death and after asking.

Well, what I want to tell you through this is that your may be ashamed of it. She doesn't want to remember / relive the pain --if there is. She thinks it is best that you don't know so you wouldn't have a chance to disrupt the man's life... He's probably married at the time of your conception... Your mom knows what is best for you. Trust her.

[Amillia1981]

Your mother is right. The person that raises you is your real father and that's all there is to it. Your mom had her reasons for leaving this guy and you just have to trust her decision. There are things that she may not want to tell you to protect you. Joe has raised you since you were a child and treated you the same as your siblings which a lot of guys wouldn't do. I can't tell you to just forget about your real dad cause I have never been in that position but it would be a lot easier to just leave things the way they are. You don't know anything about your real dad and maybe its like that for a reason.

[InnocuousAccount]

I agree with your mother, its not and shouldn't be important, but its cruel and unusual of her to withhold his name from you. Tell her that you demand to know, as his begotten daughter, and you have every right, as an adult. But perhaps even more importantly, work on whatever it is that makes you so obsessed about it, that's much worse.

[Asker]

Thanks. Yes I know I should work on that :)

[InnocuousAccount]

:) Good luck.

[NMMan]

Everyone deserves to know who their father is...I don't have a relationship with mine because he left our family, but I'm glad to at least know who he is. It could be that your mom is trying to protect you from being hurt or disappointed when meeting your biological father, but what trumps all of that is that is should be *your* decision to take that chance. You deserve that information too.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Your dad's a saint and your mom's a slut -_q kidding :P

pity though. Your mom is being very selfish though. You should try asking at first and how it's bothering you. If she keeps refusing snoop and ask her siblings.

Still, your mom is quite... disappointing.

[Darkfairie17]

Talk to your mom, it is kind of selfish of her to just assume that it doesn't bother you. It obviously does bother you, or else you wouldn't be asking this question :P Sit her down and explain to her why you want to know your biological father's name. I'm sure you do love Joe, he sounds like he was a great father to you. But its also important that you meet your biological father too. You probably want to find stuff out about his life and what not. And I can't blame you for wanting to know that. I think your mom is being selfish, and she needs to realize that you need to know these things. You have a right to know your father, and have a chance at having him in your life. She can't make that decision for you anymore. You are old enough to handle this and I think you should tell her that :)

[Habakkuk]

Tell her straight up that you have the right to know who your father is. If she doesn't respect that right, then ask her siblings, if they won't tell you, then do some snooping

[DonMichelle]

You have a right to know but 'Joe' is still your father, no ifs or buts. He took your mum AND YOU and loved you both. I take it your mum's not wanting to cause problems for the family, upset Joe and your siblings

[kelizabethy]

My story is the exact same except I have 5 younger siblings and my mom was raped. I'm not sure how to go about asking her who he is because other than her husband and me nobody else knows. And under the circumstances, I don't wanna poke around and ask her too many questions. And if she found out that I'd still wanna meet the dude, she'd flip. What did you end up doing to find out more information?

[BEV123]

I FEEL YOU !!! I'M ACUALLY 11 AND i know it is a pretty young age to worry about that kind of stuff. I BEEN noticing that my parent is hiding something from me about my real father all I know that he is from Brazil. let me tell you about my life my mom can't speak or hear anything so my mom sister and her husband adopted me. My real mom is filipeno my dad is from Brazil I was born in Canada so i'm half filipeno, Brazilian and Canadian. Sometimes I wonder who's my real father how he looks like, where is he, is he married, does he has kids what's his name I wish my parent would tell me.

[Anonymous]

don't bring your siblings into this and don't go snooping through her stuff.

[Legionarius]

She owes you an answer. You are not a child.

[cjwright79]

I'd just say 'please' next time I asked her.