Women: You SHOULD initiate

I guess this myTake will be a little shorter than usual, but that's because the topic I'm going to talk about is very simple and should be crystal clear.

Women: you SHOULD initiate.

So let me elaborate and paint a nice little picture for you. You're currently seeing/talking to a guy. This guy is being very nice to you, showing genuine signs of interest by keeping the conversation going, asking you questions, getting to know you, calling and texting you regularly. Maybe even flirting a little bit. Everything is fine and dandy until a few days of silence pass. You ask yourself, why is he doing this? Why would he suddenly stop talking to me? Don't fret. There's one simple question you can ask yourself first and foremost.

Have I actually done anything to show MY interest?

Here's the thing. Even if you help keep the conversation going and you ask him questions too, there's still one thing you can do to make it very obvious that you're just as interested in him, as he is interested in you. Initiate. It's such a simple little thing that many girls completely miss. Not only that, but for some reason a lot of girls EXPECT the guy to initiate all the time because, well, "it's a sign of interest and it shows me that he really cares". Exactly! So what makes you think you are excused for initiating back? What makes you think that he won't think you're disinterested when you refuse to start a normal conversation with him? No, it's not the guy's job to always initiate. You can't just sit on your ass 24/7 and expect him to put all the effort into keeping in touch with you while you don't have to do anything. If you don't want him to stop talking to you, then you've got to put the same amount of effort into it that he is. A few days of silence is his way of testing you. Testing you to see if you'll reach out. If you'll make the effort. If you'll show interest.

It's very tiresome to be the only one always initiating. Trust me, I've been in that position myself, and it's not nice. Slowly you'll start doubting how much the person actually likes you and cares about you. You'll start to wonder if they would even notice if you stopped talking to them altogether. You'll start to wonder if they would ever reach out to you. Even if they gladly reply to your messages, answer your calls and meet up when you ask them to, there will always be that lingering question. "Would they even notice or care if I stopped talking to them?"
Guys are not excused from feeling these things, too. Just because society expects them to be aggressive, bold, confident and always initiating, it doesn't mean they actually want to do it all the time. It doesn't mean that they don't want to feel wanted, or want to feel like you actually care.

So yes. If you're interested in the guy, you SHOULD initiate. There's not a single legitimate reason for you to not do it, especially if he has already initiated a conversation several times. It means that he wants to talk to you. Showing him that you also want to talk to him is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed over. Being open about your interest is a good thing. It's a way to avoid confusion. So please, don't hesitate or think he'll think you're weird. You get excited when he messages you, right? He'll feel that same excitement when you message him.Women: you SHOULD initiate.


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What Guys Said 47

  • There is an extremely important part you glossed over. First take a look here:

    "What makes you think that he won't think you're disinterested when you refuse to start a normal conversation with him?"

    If a guy is expected to keep pursuing you to be a "real man", despite the fact that you appear to be disinterested, you are inviting a lot of harassment. You can't really tell a difference between "I'm acting disinterested to get your attention" and "I'm actually disinterested." And you shouldn't demand that a guy behave in a way that would be harassment if he can't magically read your min.

    Frankly, I don't bother with the distinction. If you're gonna expect me to do all the chasing, especially if you are showing disinterest, I'm just gonna watch you leave. I don't play games. I am not your goddamned court jester. I'm not going to be pushy in a culture that fears male sexuality, legitimately or otherwise, just so I can be your Nicolas Sparks hero for your pleasure.

    Thank you. I really hope you aren't guy, given the number of people guys who have female profile, because it's aweful refreshing to hear this from a lady!

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    • There's no such thing as "inviting" harassment, harassment is always unwanted. If a girl seems disinterested, just assume she is and move on. That way 1) you will show her and others that you're not going to take any bullshit or play any games and 2) it will also show her that acting "disinterested" is not a good technique to grab a guy's attention and to get him interested. If anything, when a guy is too persistent, he merely reinforces the idea that men are supposed to be aggressive and women passive. You're actually doing yourself, and other men, a huge favor by not buying it.

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    • Precisely. Or worse yet, they think it is unsexy to ask before trying something new. That was the minor detail I left out of the bit about my ex. It wasn't just that she wanted me to pin her down or whatever. I get the appeal of that sort of thing when it is consensual. But she thought the idea of me asking beforehand was unsexy. "A man doesn't wait for permission. He does what he wants." essentially.

    • It's a very disturbing attitude to have. Women need to fucking pay attention to what exactly they are asking for.

  • Finally a girl that gets it.

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  • "What makes you think that he won't think you're disinterested when you refuse to start a normal conversation with him?"

    Exactly. If I'm the only one initiating conversation, you can bet your ass a silent stretch is coming. If my attention is not reciprocated, then I'm just wasting my time. Either she's not interested, or she's playing childish games, neither of which interest me.

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  • You just keep getting more and more awesome.
    lumos 4 president 2016
    "Yes SHE can!"

    But seriously this has happened to me more times than I can count recently and it's bloody frustrating. It makes me lose that emotional connection I felt with a woman initially and want to move on. So many people are afraid to appear desperate or vulnerable I think but vulnerability is a necessity in a romantic relationship at times.

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    • I agree 100%, people are so afraid of being a little vulnerable and they just end up lonely.

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    • It's ironic how they're afraid of failing, so they don't even try. But not trying and ending up with nobody is just as much of a failure as getting rejected (unless you actually don't want anybody).

    • Yes fear of failure tends to be self fulfilling prophecy. Rejection really isn't as bad as everyone makes it seem. None of us are compatible with everyone.

  • This is great advise for girls. There have been many times that I have stopped talking to girls because I felt like they didn't wan to talk to me or like I was annoying them because they would never text, call or talk to me first. It makes me think they aren't interested and I'm just bothering them. Sadly I feel like most girls won't take this advise.

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  • I agree completely
    It really sucks always being the one to start the conversation. You dont know if she really likes your or is bored and being nice to just to reply back.

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    • Yeah, I don't understand why some women keep thinking that guys for some reason are totally ok with it. But when the roles are reversed, they feel like it's not ok at all. So weird. They need to sympathize more.

  • Good take, I lose interest when a girl never initiates, I know she welcomes my presence when I initiate otherwise she wouldn't meet up or something but that doesn't mean I am her first choice so if I don't feel wanted I just disappear.

    There are guys that don't care, well some of them might by the first choice of girl and some might be just the persistent one.

    I guess every girl should realize that never initiating leads to random results for them.

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    • What about the ones who act like they know you all their life and you talk like a match made in heaven, then one day they just act like you don't exist ignore and avoid you? No matter what, almost like a change in behavior the minute you are in their presence. Read my how effective is an apology for the details... I'm getting better and coping but I just wonder why? Closure maybe? Haven't had too many people in my life to behave like thst, put me off when it actually happened

    • Each girl might have her own reasons not to initiate, there better options, she is hoping for someone better or she might simply be conditioned by society that initiating in early phases of a is a no go.

      Personally I would be ok with third option, we all have our own cultural background, so it wouldn't be a deadbreaker but there are higher chances actually she is not that interested.

  • Great Take, and an excellent advice for all the girls here ;)

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  • You are a rare kind of girl that has her shit together and finally figured out the "big secret". If a girl doesn't initiate with me I stopnwasting my time on her. Sure this means I'm single almost all the time, but it also weeds out the girls that put no effort in and won't invest their time. If you're not willing not initiate when you are interested what makes you think that you will contribute enough in an real relationship?

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  • GREAT post!

    It's not hard to lose interest if you feel like you're giving 100% and the other person is giving 10%.

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  • vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/.../latest

    "There's not a single legitimate reason for you to not do it, especially if he has already initiated a conversation several times."

    Haha... Believing that being a female alone is a legitimate enough reason in many female eyes.

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    • Yeah really I try at best 3 times, if no response oh well. Relationships and communications are a two way street. Many women reject a guy to be with some loser and years down the road regret they did that and wonder where that person went, if they never stopped liking them

  • PRAISE THE LORD! SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS! THANKYOU!

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  • But I thought girls are supposed to soak up attention by being chased for eternity and expect guys to read their minds about how they feel?
    Lol
    (sarcasm)

    THANK YOU for writing this!! It's amazing how we get tripped over the simple, obvious things.
    So many questions from women "how should I tell him how i feel" "why can't he understand how i feel" and I always answer: TELL HIM.

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    • Yeah, people (esp women in this regard) need to learn how to communicate more. Men aren't mind readers, nobody is, practically 80% of all the problems I encounter on this site could be solved if the asker just talked about her (/his) feelings and what she (/he) wants.

    • Please, keep sharing your wisdom, please!

  • YES!!! Very rarely if ever have I had a girl start a conversation on her own. Like for example a good morning text and then proceed to ask things about me like how long I've lived in the area, how many siblings I have, do I know how to dance. etc.

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  • This is so simple and logical but you just know that some women are gonna reject this advice and then come back on in a few weeks and ask why this guy stopped texting them.

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  • The only major problem is: women are attracted to confidence. A man initiating shows this. So if said girl liked a guy but guy didn't make a move, there is a high chance that another guy who does make the move will sway the odds in his favour. people forget that it's always competition between the men that make the dating game so hard for men.

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    • I didn't say that the guy should never initiate. I just think that it's give and take. Instead of relying on the other person always reaching out to you, whether it's a potential love interest, friend or family member, you should ask yourself what YOU can bring to the table as well. If a girl refuses to initiate any type of contact with you and would rather have some imaginary prince charming guy court her 24/7, then she's most likely not the girl for you in the first place.

  • This is a really good take.
    I hope some women read this and take to heart.

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  • This is a most thoughtful take. Thanks for sharing it. ☺️

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  • MyTake of the freaking year right here! BAM!

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What Girls Said 20

  • Yes, yes, yes, yes.

    Did I say yes already? Yes, yes, yes, yes...

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  • Women get these retarded ideas in their heads that dating and relationships should adhere to some dumbass rules like 3 day wait, don't initiate, withhold sex until x amount of dates and some other stupid bullshit instead of just bloody going after what they want. They make their own lives more difficult by getting annoyed by some arbitrary turn of events that bear no actual meaning.

    When my boyfriend and I exchanged numbers, we texted like mad. There's was no waiting, we just texted each other straight away and hell yeah I messaged him first - that's what you're supposed to do if you wanna chat, duh.

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    • 10000000% agree, how else are you even going to fucking get to know them? Lol. Then they have the nerve to whine about not finding anyone when they're literally not doing shit about it. As if boyfriends magically fall from the sky and land in your lap.

    • Ur boyfriend is lucky to have u.

  • I'll pass considering I have no issue with getting lots of guys who meet my criteria without me initiating.

    "Guys are not excused from feeling these things, too. Just because society expects them to be aggressive, bold, confident and always initiating, it doesn't mean they actually want to do it all the time. It doesn't mean that they don't want to feel wanted, or want to feel like you actually care."
    Yeah I find most guys do not care about the negative/limiting societal standards on gals. Heck I find most deny it claiming gals are oh so on a pedestal. So I can't really sympathize with guys on this matter. However unlike most males it seems I won't deny the unfair standard.

    Plus it seems guys take this guys have to be aggressive to ignore inappropriate male behavior. A gal complains about street harassment... male response seems to be guys have to be aggressive. So it seems to me that males flip flop on it.

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  • Great take, I agree! :) When the signs are there, why not initiate? It's socially acceptable now. I understand in traditional gender roles, it's a little different and love stories we've grown up seeing all our lives including Disney movies always show it like it's the man's job to initiate while the girl works on being pretty, but times are changing a bit and this is certainly an area I think it's worth it for girls to step up.

    In the case of a shy person (girl or guy), I'd just recommend keep on showing interest until one of you gets the guts to ask out. There's value in making gestures to establish interest. I also think girls should compliment guys more. It doesn't have to be fake, it can be something that you genuinely find nice about them. We can't just soak up and keep expecting compliments all the time and not give back. Too one sided.

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  • yes if interested take action. if you get rejected because you were proactive, this is a person who A, was never interested,

    or

    B, NOT a healthy person that you can have a dignified relationship with.

    but just so you know, fire every guy imploring women to act, there is several guys telling them to let the guy ' be a man' and do the work. 'guys like the chase' ' guys dont like being emasculated' etc etc etc bs. barf. ... and a lot of women feel resigned to this, and would rather have a boyfriend who can pretend to be amazing as long as he calls the shots,. but can't respect her if she does. there are many books written designated to women being passive because its their natural duty.

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  • Maybe if I read enough of these I can get over the hesitancy to put myself out there lol.

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  • I have a few question (s): What if you only know the guy from seeing him around? Also would it be wise to send a casual message via Facebook introducing yourself and inviting them to something to eat? How do you convey you like the guy without him thinking you are a 'Netflix & Chill' type? I am sorry for so many questions but I don't want to come across as needy or a friends with benefits type of girl (I am serious about knowing this guy).

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    • You can definitely ask out a guy you've just seen around though odds are always lower with strangers and just communicate what you are looking for.

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    • Good job :)

    • Success!

  • Honestly, yes. If you're interested in someone, you should be taking initiative.

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  • Yup, you are so right, cool MyTake :)

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  • Well a guy was super friendly and did all this interest showing, so I initiated texts and asked him, he chickened out.

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  • Nice MyTake, I agree :D

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  • Hmm.. So the guy im into always hits me up and just suddenly stopped after he slept over (nothing happened. just a few kisses) and now i keep trying to talk to him but he doesn't reply? ok yeah totally testing me

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  • Nice take, I always hear women say, well he just all of sudden stopped texting, calling, and/or talking to me. Good advice. 😏

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  • the last time i initiated with a guy who kinda liked me he got so scared and thought i was so desperate... yeah we dont talk no more

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  • Thank you for this!

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  • I did initiate last time with a guy I knew had feelings for me. But he ignored me and has yet (after a little over a month) texted me back. I firmly believe what you said. Some guys just don't reciprocate.

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    • That sucks. Maybe he found someone else or changed his mind. Some people are like that and there's not much you can do about it except move on :/

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    • @Toad-1 you're just making assumptions so seriously, stop.

    • This is fairly normal in terms of rejection. That's part of why guys want more girls to be involved in it, so they can also understand the kind of rejections we get before dishing them out.

      I've asked a girl out, who I was already friends with. She just simply ignored my existance for a week. When I asked her if I said something wrong, her friends grouped up, threatened to kill me, and started trying to convince everyone I was robbing their apartments. I had to go to security and report them before they would file charges. Had Title IX audits been going on at the time, the school would have been required to expel me and ban me from campus because of the rumors.

      Thank God security knew what was going on. These girls had done it before.

      Trust me, when everyone is paranoid that your gender is a bunch of rapists, rejection can really go down the rabbit hole. Far worse than the silent treatment.

  • I know I'll get shot down for this, but I still want to say it.

    There have been guys who talk to me over text. I answered always. But as soon as I try to send him a 'Hey what's up' text, I get ignored. I don't trust it anymore. It happens every time.

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    • This has happened to me recently. Weird.

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    • i meant to say that the response to it is very limited beyond the lines of...

    • @Other_Tommy_Wiseau OK I get what you're saying but I can make a convo out of 'Hey what's up' if he responds. He doesn't have to

  • Now I have this question. The article is right on the spot and I agree with it. Not just guys need to initiate contact, women can do it doo, we are in different times but it is ok too if a guy does it as well, Im not taking that away from them either. What if I like this guy we met in April at some family trip on that trip one nighgt at hte family house he seemed interested to get to know me more, we talked for hours, he planted me kiss on the mouth and I was not expecting it, days later we both talk about going out and we did like one month and a few weeks after we first met. During that date, he invited me, we made out vyery passionate, we hugged and cuddle. Days later afeter that date we kept texting each other normally and we talked about going out again but this time I told him I wiil invite him and he agreed. I ddi not see any sigms things were going bad. Then it came July and I found out while he was already away , that he went to Europe, he never told me he was going not over text or during our first date. And while he was in Europe, but I did not know he was there, I text him like I always did when he was in the country, then all of a sudden he sent me this odd text with no explanation that " it is not going to work" and that he is sorry and finished with "I hope you are ok". Afrter that text he never explain, and that was almost 4 mos I stopped communicatiing with him, so I haven't text him or contact him in any way ever since 4 mos ago. In this case I doubt he will believe im not interested in him anymore since he was clear to me or that is what Is I udnerstand for his text 4 mos ago Im just respecting his text but he has not text me or communicate with me either. In this case do you think I should Initiate to know what is going onor what went through his mind when he sent me the odd text with no explanation or wait for him to make a move if he has not done until now anyway even if I haven't text him either?

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  • Thank you for this! It was just what I needed. You are so right. This is one of my favorite takes, because it benefits me the most. I tend to hold back initiating contact and now I see it from another perspective.

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    • It's cool so many girls are agreeing with this. It makes me want to jump back into the dating game!

  • Really? Really? Really? Should I keep on?

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    • Yes... Why not initiate?

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    • @Toad-1 how am I targeting you when I'm literally just responding to your comments.. ?

    • I just said what I wanted to say. You decided to start arguing with me lol.

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