Why The Nice Guy May Be The Worst Guy

Why The Nice Guy May Be The Worst Guy

Let’s preface this by saying I am incredibly single. Sure, it’s not like this was a choice I consciously sought out in my life - but things have a tendency to work out unexpectedly. It’s not like I haven’t tried, but failed relationship after failed relationship has a way of screwing with your head, and eventually you lose hope. Despite the fails, as any hopeful single female understands, you have to keep trying.

Living in a big city, there are countless ways to meet guys - and trust me, I’ve tried all of them. Dating apps, mutual friend set ups, business connections, the guy at the bar, you name it. There have been the a**holes, the players, the liars, the jerks, but my newest dating category I’ve been trying may be the worst thus far. Meet: the “nice guy”. Everyone always says you’ll eventually come to your senses and realize the nice guy is the guy who will treat you the way you deserve. Sure in theory that sounds grand, but what I’ve come to realize is the “nice guy” isn’t necessarily the nice guy at all.

You see, I’m not exactly a shy, timid female. I may be sweet and lady-like, but I’ve learned through this turbulent dating cycle that the only way to get what you want is to speak up. Though a jerk may hurt your feelings with a “he’s just not that into you” speech, at least he’s blunt and to the point. Close the chapter. Walk away. Done and done.

So what is it like dating the so-called “nice guy”?

THE WAITING PERIOD

One of the most admirable qualities of a nice guy is that he holds his standards of respecting women. He prides himself on taking things slow, not making sex a priority, and really enjoying the one-on-one courting process. The dates are amazing, the conversations are memorable, and you begin to swirl in excitement that you’ve finally met someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Hello, prince charming.

THE CONFUSION

As time continues, the excitement begins to wear as things progress at the speed of a snail. What I’ve learned with the nice guy is that finding where you stand isn’t easy. Since the “nice guy” is actually nice, he’s not going to push things - but taking things slow takes on a whole new meaning with this guy, and you begin to wonder if things are progressing or if you are heading directly into the friend zone. Don’t get me wrong, I completely appreciate being treated like a lady - but there comes a point after a couple months when you just need to know if there’s a physical connection.

THE FIZZLE

The key part of why the nice guy isn’t the nice guy in my experience is “the fizzle”. When a nice guy decides you’re not the one, rather than actually telling you his feelings, he starts the process of gradually letting the relationship die a slow and painful death. The dates become more spaced out, the texts are further apart, and his work schedule magically intensifies overnight. Despite this change in action, the conversations remain the same.

As the fizzle continues, you become consumed with a series of negative thoughts wondering why things have changed. You question your sanity wondering if you’re crazy for thinking things are regressing. You suddenly feel irrational and confused that the time you’re spending together is vastly decreasing, the physical connection is still not a priority, but yet his calls and texts are still caring and interested.

THE TWIST

There’s nothing worse than getting dumped, but realizing you are getting dumped while you think you are dumping someone is in fact worse. The “nice guy” doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he avoids the conversation all together. As things slowly fizzle, you begin to wonder if you should end things. Though you can’t place a finger on what exactly the issue is, you mentally prepare yourself for the break up talk. Rather than sensing a feeling of shock and a “let’s work this out” reply you were hoping for, you hear “I’m happy you brought this up, because I’ve been feeling the same way.”

All of a sudden, clarity shines in. The “nice guy” has mind f*cked you into breaking up with him. Somehow throughout this long, drawn out process, you are faced with the reality that he hasn’t been into you for quite some time. Since a “nice guy” doesn’t want to hurt your feelings if things don’t work out, he backs away silently and slowly until the breakup becomes YOUR idea.

So just like that, you broke your own heart.


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What Guys Said 78

  • I am an unrepentant nice guy and I know other guys who have the same attitudes that I do. I am currently in a monogamous relationship and I am 100% committed to my girlfriend, but if I was not in a relationship. . .

    When I meet a girl, if I do not feel a physical attraction, I don't ask her for a date. If it is an internet connection and our first meeting does not have any spark or sizzle, I don't ask her for another date. If I see a woman for a second date, it means I am attracted. By the third or fourth date, she will know that I want a physical relationship but I will also patiently wait until she is ready. If we need to break up, I will do it and I will not waste time with delaying the inevitable.

    Some "nice guys" are shy, afraid, insecure, and not assertive, but we are not all that way.

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    • I'm one.

      I've heard 'you're too nice for your own good' about 800 times
      I have to look at myself in the mirror, and were I the guy that is on the other side of the nice guy coin, I couldn't sleep at night.

    • i totally agree.

  • You noted that you're still single. It sounds like you're really just upset because you can't hit it off with any guys, whether they're "nice" or not. Having said that, by reading this I don't really see much maturity in you, which is probably a large part of your problem.

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  • I loled because what you described isn't niceness or even an attempt to be nice. It is just men's own version of the push-pull game that women always use on men. Typically if a man does this, it's to get relationship experience with a woman he's not interested in. This experience is more likely to make him seem more attractive to other women that he is. Mind fucking YOU into breaking up is a way of avoiding the guilt trip. Then when people ask why he's single he can say truthfully that he lowered his standards and that he tried, bla bla but women in general are just not interested in him. This way he avoids a heap of bullshit from guys telling him he should ' settle' for women he isn't attracted to.

    But the bullshit women do, it's totally fair because their games are 100 times worse and more insidious. It's actually a GOOD thing some guys take the initiative to 'pussy tease' the opposite sex a bit (give them a taste of their own medicine). Women do all this bullshit on an instinctive level and don't even realise it! That's why they're always two steps ahead of most men when it comes to dating.

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    • Excellent point!!! Women do this mind fuck thing all the time. I'm fed up with It and will NOT be out played. That's why I'm through with relationships... period! That's why I'm offended if or when called a "player" or accused of "playing games." I'm a man. I'm real! "Papa don't take noooooo mess!"

    • @Johnagain yea op basically described your average girl. basically people (women mainly) do this to sift through people they don't want because that way, they no longer appear shallow because it's not that they don't want the partner, just that the partner doesn't want them. because women do this kind of thing so frequently, men sometimes (but less frequently) do this themselves as a defence mechanism. It's not their fault: women have created this situation with all their mind fuckery. Only way to win is fight fire with fire 🔥

  • Riiight. Its funny how women always find ways to blame the guy. Good, bad or a complete asshole. They're impartial. They stone everyone indiscriminately.

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  • i love these type of articles. let's tell the guys that if theyre being nice, thats being an asshole.

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    • Well now. To each his / her own. Be whatever. I'm singing the Alice Cooper song now. Labels, labels... *Sigh* What might be helpful is that the expectations a lady like this has to be treated a certain way, this isn't the type of girl we're necessarily looking for anyway. Woof!

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    • No seriously guys @Mesonfield @Johnagain @CountVronsky I gave this article a like and I hope you all did too haha

    • Yeah this was like watching Inception all over again. My brain did about 5 backflips reading this!

  • mmm, I think what you're referring to is a silly boy.

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  • ... jokes on me, that's exactly something I would do.

    But if you want to work it out, you ought to say you want to work it out, not that you're dumping them. If they felt the relationship is inadequate, then they won't try to fix it if you seal the deal already prior.

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    • Technically if the relationship is THAT bad and completely hopeless, then it should give enough motivation to just end it though.

  • While that may be the case for some people, don't speak for all of us.

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  • Women do "the fizzle" and "the twist"...
    ALL. THE. TIME.

    Welcome to what us men deal with all the time!

    ----

    Then again, maybe that is why this bothers u so much.

    Doing "the fizzle" and "the twist" come of as very womanly behavior... so it makes sense why this type of behavior in a "guy" disgusts u so much! ;-)

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  • So... what can we be? Bad guy is wrong, and Nice guy is wrong. So what's left?
    This is the typical GAG girl mentality (and I hope it doesn't apply to real life women too), they think being a nice guy is just a mask to hurt her. So basically every man is out there to hurt women, cause the asshole, jerk, bad guy will hurt her, and now the nice guy is gonna hurt her too.
    It's a passive aggressive way to show their bitterness and hate towards men.

    Just date yourself, go out to dinner with a mirror and have fun by yourself if you're just gonna think every guy is gonna hurt you. Maybe the problem is you...

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    • Exactly! Thank you for speaking some sense.

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    • @alisen9928 then by your logic that means most women aren't nice either because when they are no longer interested in a guy or never was interested in him or whatever they do the same thing, and start ignoring his texts, messages online, without being honest about not being interested or no longer being interested. So many men and women do it, but I think a higher percentage of women do it, since they are always so concerned about''hurting someone's feelings.''

    • @AleDeEurope a good amount of women on here are being hypocrites. It's known that so many women ignore texts or messages online when they are not interested in a man or no longer interested in a man since so many of them are worried about''hurting that person's feelings.'' A lot more women do the ignoring thing but they don't like it when it is done to them. Hypocrisy. I guess all these women that ignore texts, etc. are bitches then (sarcasm, I don't actually think all of them that do that are bitches).

  • 1mo

    Specifically how does a guy need to be more of the aggressor?

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  • you would be wrong by thinking that we would leave you

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    • cause I'll tell ya once we feel that you want to have us there will never be a dull moment cause we'll talk your fucking head off

    • cause you got to make us feel good around you for us to open up to you once you do that look out

  • As if nice guys don't have enough shit to deal with.

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  • I'm just a guy. Not nice. Sometimes I can be, sweet etc.. Not an asshole. Somtimes I can be. Just a guy.

    Moral of this story is:
    No matter what you are, someone will love it, someone will accept it, someone will judge it and someone will hate it.

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  • I'm admittedly one of those nice guys you mentioned, and I will be the first to admit that if things don't seem to be going well, I will also start the slow death syndrome (SDS) and just as you indicated I will forever remain pleasant and easy to talk to, however I will begin to distance myself from you, slowly and patiently, then as all of your self doubt and confusion consume you, you will realize that we were not meant to be and the break up will inevitably and predictably be your idea.

    I would also as you indicated in your take not want to hurt your feelings, but had never thought about how it must be from the other side of the fence in that the girl believes she has broken her own heart. This is an important insight. Perhaps some communication between myself and the girl I'm distancing myself from would help alleviate some of this pain. I say this in the sense that if I were to say, that while I really think she is a great person, sometimes things just don't work out, and while separating may be painful, this is not because it is anybody's fault and no-one is to blame here.

    Granted I know that this may not fix everything, but it may establish the groundwork for us to remain friends. I remember doing this with a lady I was seeing, and while it is true we did in fact split up we are still friends today.

    Lastly, I know that the (SDS) seems rather cruel and calculating, it is really not my intent to be evil, it is done more out of a sense of not wanting to hurt feelings. I remember a girlfriend I had when I was in high school, and she really liked me, and admittedly I really liked that she liked me, however I wasn't attracted to her, and she wasn't big on communication, and I didn't want to take advantage of her and get involved in a physical relationship with her, just to break up with her, so before things got to that stage, I broke up with her and I was honest, which crushed her, and while this was about 27 years ago, I still feel bad for hurting her, and I can only take some small degree of comfort from knowing I didn't lie or betray her trust... :-(

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  • Im a Nice guy :(

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  • I don't know what nice guy treated you this way. I'm proud of my nice guy tendencies and in a lot of regards your take exactly portrays how I go about dating.

    What I have to say is this though, you are probably being fizzled down because you are acting uninterested. You as the lady are not pushing the relationship. I've had a few girls force me into bed after like the third date "usually the third date" if they don't then yes I lose interest but I'm usually the one that's put up and left behind. Anyways my point is that these nice guys are actually just timid guys. I want the girl to jump me and ignite the relationship to the next level, I've done all the work thus far asking her out planning the dates etc, and this works well for me cuz I end up dating a sexually explorative social butterfly who's straight forward exciting and that's what I want. If this makes me a bad guy then you girls are fucked up beyond repair. The nice guy should be your ideal but obviously if you show no effort or work the relationship will obviously not fizzle

    Trust me next time you go for the good guy try being a little more aggressive yourself and if the relationship fizzles and he leaves you off then you weren't actually dating a nice guy, you were dating a player who acted nice to get in your pants.

    It's called the pussy/$$$ ratio, guys have told me they will spend up to $100 on a date but if they don't get laid they move on. This may turn into 3-4 dates.

    Sometimes the emotional attraction just doesn't work out but your conclusion on nice guys is wrong. Your overall view on the procession of the relationship and game is dead on balls accurate but a real nice guy will not end it that way. They are not trying to mind fuck you, they are giving you a chance. They are putting the ball in your court and want to see you're reaction. If that's not a game you want to play then move on there plenty of jerks and ass holes that will treat you like shit.

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  • So, basically your two main reasons for not liking nice guys are: Your own insecurities ("finding where you stand isn’t easy"), and that when he gets to know you well and finds out that you're not the princess he thought to be he doesn't throw a fit and leave you sobbing in a cafe?

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  • too many nice guy takes sorry :P not even going to read it

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  • I think your putting your pussy on a pedestal.

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 19

  • If being a bad guy is bad... and being a good guy is worse...

    Then what's left to be?

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    • This is why it's easier to be an asshole, we're assholes either way, even if we're nice lol...

  • I think they should change the name of this site to "girls bash guys. com". All I every see lately is woman after woman, writing take after take saying all these bad things about guys and then putting them all in the same general category. Like no guys is his own individual person and if one guys is like that, they all must be like that. I understand that men bash and put women in general categories on here as well, but feels like women do it more.

    Now to what you wrote, wouldn't you much rather have somebody who's so nice they don't know how to hurt you, as opposed to someone who doesn't care if they hurt you at all? I understand things can be frustrating but out of all the guys you dated the nice guy should be the best not the worst.

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    • and they shud name this, idiot trying to kiss guy's asses. a guy posts about women being bitches and gets helpful replies.. this woman isn't bashing men either.. just trying to give an opinion

    • @alisen9928 Okay. Sorry I misunderstood.

  • i don't know, i think anyone can mindfuck u into breaking up with them. players or bad boys can do that too, just in a different way.

    taking it slow isn't necessarily a bad thing, and u should know that him taking it slow is like, 'I'm so attracted to u, but i respect u more'.

    the thing is, while i can understand ur view, this is just so confusing to men. should they be nice or should they be bad? women can't seem to appreciate one. there is nothing wrong with a nice guy who has good intentions, even if they pan out over years. whether or not he dumps u comes down to his view. when we grow, we change. maybe his perspective changed. nothing wrong with that. he knows what he wants and he wants to move on.

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  • Lol. Well said. I think the puas some "nice guys" go to for coaching and dating advice have rubbed off on them.

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  • Well I would like a nice guy too, but maybe if they are too nice sometimes they are hiding things or they are scared to touch, or brake you and all that stuff. Maybe guys and ladies need to rethink nice as being someone who cares, wants to provide for you and wants you to do well in life, who isn’t afraid of doing anything because he might brake you or injure you.

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  • It's cowardice that masquerades as kindness. He's not doing it for you or any woman, he does it so that he looks good to you and to other people. The real story: there are no nice guys, just different guys. My favorite saying fits well in here too: "We're all assholes, the ones you have to worry about are the ones who haven't figured it out yet." It's not specifically about men but about people in general (before I get a million "nice guy" responses calling me out as a bitch lol, but on that note, I happen to know I'm an asshole).

    Main thing is you want to find people who have some self awareness, everyone has a nasty side, youself included. Being more aware of that makes you a better human being, not being what is so-called nice.

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    • You're right, you are an asshole. The fact that you think it's some badge of honor shows just what a sick little fucker you are.

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    • "they rush in thinking that they're being just because they have this idea that they are the nice one who is doing everything right, when really all they're being is just as bad or worse." -maybe a little bit like I'm being right now, and I'm sorry.

    • @HikerDude Okay so I apologzed before recieving this latest comment, and would like to retract it.

  • I been in this situation very recently and the worst thing is you sometimes know in your gut sometimes wrong, it's fizzling out but you start freaking out thinking everything possible yet it keeps going, then they pull the we need to step back and the friend card, ouch it was painful but since it took a while you get kinda prepared for it later it doesn't hurt so much. This nice guy who you thought was the one turns out to be the biggest arse-hole you ever dated and I learned a new lesson. There are great guys out there not saying there are not nice guys out there you just need to be careful. Right know I'm single and reevaluating what i want and happy :).!

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    • Also some men just claim to be the nicest* its bullshit i realiced that too late. But i'm always gonna be hopeful and i know there's someone out there for everyone.

  • Guys just can't win, can they...

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    • From what I gathered the way to get girls is to become some leather jacket wearing chorus member from Grease while going around with a look on my face that screams that I'm an asshole. This my take is logical.

  • So if i understand well what u say then there is no guy girls can date with no probs? I agree with the second point u stated " the feezle " but then i think what women need is not a nice guy but a more matured version , a " Nice Man " he will still take things slow treat u how u deserve but doesn't act like a child and letting the relationship die if he is not interested , but then i guess it doesn't only depend on the guy any type of guy can change for the best if he finds the right woman with whom he shares his life ^^

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  • When I think of the "nice guy" I imagine the guy who tells you he's noce, does all these things for you and then expects you to reciprocate his feelings because he is the "nice guy." The nice guy believes that because he is not an asshole, he shows genuine care for the girl, simply that he's nice. The girl should pick him and is wrong when she doesn't because she's missing out.

    It sounds like a guy who didn't have the balls to tell you he wasn't interested anymore.

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    • @LoloWaye most women are the same way about ignoring texts, etc. when they are too chicken to tell the truth since they are ''afraid to hurt the person's feelings.'' I think people should be honest, but I don't like the hypocrisy here of someone posting. Women are far more known to do things like this.

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    • @steven7890789 Lol wait I wasn't mad at all when I typed my response. I was just explaining what I thought the "nice guy" image was vs what she was explaining, which was an actually nice guy.

  • The biggest issue I have with nice guys is they are anything BUT nice... So I have tried this approach for years and by the end of the relationship I realize that I was duped again but an unattractive, financially insecure, bully of a man who's claim to be singe was being too nice. These too nice men forget your birthdays don't celebrate holidays with you, but every past girlfriend above you until they have depleted you of all your resources and self esteem. Don't fall for the nice guy.. he's just a manipulator in disguise.

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    • So what kind of guys would you like to date? If the nice guys are bad, and the bad guys are clearly bad too, you'd rather stay single?

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    • @AleDeEurope I am living with a " nice guy" right now

    • @steven7890789 because I mistakenly thought he was a good person

  • I agree with U. Nice guys can come as as boring and really predictable. If I really like a guy, I want to be sexual on the 1st date.

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    • impossible with all the different personalities out there its impossible. its like saying that everyone has the same personality, a nice guy can be sexual on the 1st date depends on the personality

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    • @KawaiiPie67 I wouldn't, no. But any girl who gives it that quickly actually makes it easier for guys.

    • @KawaiiPie67 But MOST girls in our age range don't want sex on the first date-Regardless of how much they like the guy on the first date. However, most nice guys I know are just as horny as arrogant guys.

  • this is a stupid post- a guy that does that isn't the 'NICE guy'.. he's just a jerk pretending to be nice... the real nice guys don't pull that kind of crap on someone. many 'nice guys' out there are insecure, have self esteem issues and are scared or nervous when it comes to women. Their behavior comes off as passive aggressive sometimes or what ur talking about

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    • these guys aren't nice- they're assholes.. and idiots. If you speak your mind they break up or theyre not really into anyone. you have to learn to read them fast. luckily, all these kinds of idiots stay away from me or get scared b/c they know they can't fool me with their pathetic facade. they fool many young unsuspecting ones

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    • you're an idiot steven... im talking about the posting.. not you.. get your arrogant head out of your ass you stupid cunt.. taking things personally... u men are crazy..

    • ur also hideously ugly.. you ugly fucks with psych issues.. gross get lost bitter piece of shit

  • I agree with this. My "Nice" guy claims he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. But I know for a fact he's lying. I told him if he wants to break up, just tell me. Leading me on is hurting me more than telling me the truth would and he still goes on about how I'm his princess and how much he cares about me.

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  • This happened in my marriage and my last relationship. When you wig out on them, they brake up. Ugh!!

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  • You kill it girls! really nice take xx

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  • Being nice and being passive/non confrontational are two different things.

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    • Most women are non confrontational since they are always so afraid to hurt people's feelings. Some women are being hypocrites on these posts.

    • I'm not even sure the OP realizes the difference... For some reason, a lot of people don't.

  • I know what you mean a little too well 😒

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  • I have been dating the nicest guy for about 7 months now. He has a tough work schedule but that's because it's that kind of job. But sometimes if he gets the chance he changes his schedule to spend time with me. Sure our conversations might get boring, but they can also be fun and goofy. He even made me the most beautiful romantic anniversary gift for our 6th month. I made his two, but what he got me was just so touching, and thoughtful. I'm not the easiest girl to handle. I can get moody, tired and I do tend to complain. But I know he loves me even when things may seem slow and we may not get to see each other all the time.

    I think at times I take him for granted. That I am not giving him enough credit. He works so hard, and is tired often and yet from time to time he goes out of his way to show how much he cares.

    I just need to breathe, relax and remember this guy loves me, I have nothing to worry about. Cause quite frankly I am scared things could end, cause I met a lot of shitty guys in the past, and this guy he is like a dream come true. But you know what he told me, he said he was scared too. He doesn't want to lose me.

    I have found my true love, I know it. Things may not always be easy but that's life. There will be good times and bad times. But with a little faith you might just find what you are looking for, or it might find you.

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    • only people who've found something good say that- its bs because there are millions who haven't.. more like, i got lucky and its sad you haven't. its nice to find something good, and people that do are lucky these days

    • @alisen9928 I wasn't trying to rub it your face and I wasn't saying its sad you haven't either. I never thought i would find someone. I dated some pretty horrible guys too that made me feel like I wasn't worth it like i would never be loved. But in time i did find someone. Its not easy out there for any one. And its not about luck either. I took chances and put myself out there despite how many times i got shot down but i kept trying. If you dont try, it may not happen. Relationships take work and time. With any kind of guy, just have to give them a chance and have an open mind and heart. Nice guys come in many shapes and forms, and have different qualities. No one is going to be perfect, but if two people are wiling to commit and communicate and work through issues/problems they have a fighting chance to make it the long run.

      I hope this makes sense. Its late and I'm tired. Lol.

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