On a date with a guy who was rude to the waiter - thoughts?

Question

I was on a second date with a guy who seemed super sweet. Everytime the waiter came to the table, though, he was curt and snotty to him, letting him know he was interrupting us too much and that our food was taking too long. When we got our food, he called the waiter over and said, "This is terrible, I'm sending this back. Tell the chef he put no effort into this at all." I was stunned because he was SO nice to me. This is a big red flag - how someone treats a service provider speaks volumes about their character. What are your thoughts?

pnl86 · Accepted Answer

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

www.goodreads.com/.../13719-we-are-what-we-pretend-to-be-so-we-must

After all, the real question from any sort of behavior that was more likely than not the result of conscious thought is, "What is he trying to make me think about him?"

As you said, what most guys are trying to show you during a first date is that they're "nice," and easy to get along with, and pleasant to get along with, and have no sex drive and are not the least bit interested in having sex with you God forbid you commit the logical fallacy of thinking that therefore, he must only be interested in just sex only and nothing else (or if he's a player, overcompensate and really not let any sexual interest show for as long as he is desperate, the more desperate, the long he'll be willing to wait), or the reverse fallacy of, "He waited so long and was so patient with me, he must really care and be the One and not just looking for sex."

So, what then was he trying to communicate? His behavior is explained largely by "ego." He wanted to show you that he's a dominant man who isn't afraid to get himself into emotionally uncomfortable situations and break apart from social niceties in order to get what he wants; that he doesn't compromise, and that he gets what he wants. He wanted to show you that he also has high standards, and doesn't compromise for "okay." So, just the same way he wasn't okay with his steak or food, and the way he reacted to communicate that, that's the way he behaves towards other things too. Here comes the fallacy... therefore, if he's dating you, and he hasn't behaved that way towards you, it must mean that you satisfy and meet his exceptionally high standards. It's an attempt to play on your own ego, and your primal need to feel safe and protected.

I conclude the guy is an @sshole, and you should run. If it smells like an @sshole, if it looks like an @sshole, and if it sounds like an @sshole, it probably is.

BearsAnswers · Accepted Answer

It is a common saying that a guy that is nice to you and not nice to a waiter is not a nice person. And I generally feel it to be incredibly accurate.

People are always putting on a mask for social encounters. They want to make a good impression, and so they temper their own personality by projecting one that they think will be more palatable to the person they are with. It isn't just with dates, it happens whenever a person wants something from another party. It is a way of smoothing the social interaction to make getting what they want easier. When the person interacts with a person that doesn't have anything they want, more of the real personality comes out, as they don't have to try to smooth anything.

To me, the behaviour you described would make me instantly nix that person as a potential partner. It was incredibly rude, and particularly telling because some of the things he was complaining to the waiter about had nothing to do with the waiter at all. It wasn't the waiters fault that the food wasn't as fast as your date wanted. And I'm pretty sure the kitchen staff wasn't just sitting around trying to take a long time - they want the food out as fast as possible. "Tell the chef he put no effort into this at all"? Really?

Having working in the food industry for years to pay for schooling, I tend to be particularly sensitive to people who act like that in a restaurant. I could never date someone like that. In fact, I could never be friends with someone like that (and I have dropped a friend from my life because of how they acted towards 'servers').

lumos · Accepted Answer

Yes, usually people think that this is a huge red flag. He seems like a douche in disguise. What you want is someone who is polite to everyone, except the ones who truly deserve impoliteness. Who's to say he won't start treating you like that waiter, once he's comfortable around you?

musicbrain5 · Accepted Answer

It is a red flag indeed. That is a good indication of how he treats people in general, and especially people in the service industry. I think he showed his true colours there and I would not go on another date with this guy. He's impolite, impatient, and rude.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well it depends. If the food tastes bad, he had a right to send it back don't you think?

mydestiny · Answer

Some people think themselves aristocratic and as if the world is made for some people to enjoy and other people to work. There whole life they have not seen much hardships and they don't understand the trouble and hard life's that the other face. Even if he is good with me all my life I will not go with such kind of person.
The only way I can be with that person is if I think he has a good heart and he is not doing this because he loves it but because he is accustomed to it.
In that case I will give him a bit more time and try to bring him in correct path. If he does not come. Tata Bye Bye..

Octagon · Answer

It would be a huge red flag to me because that is disgusting behaviour. If a woman acted like to a waiter/waitress in front of me, I wouldn't be going on another date with her.

Treating people with a basic level of a respect is a must have quality in my opinion. I'd ditch him. He sounds like a cretin.

Theguyoverthere · Answer

There are many people out there who say you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their waiter. It's very true. You're basically seeing a side of them that you'll eventually be exposed to down the road when he's comfortable around you. On the date, he's on his "best behavior" with you to make a good impression but he don't care about the waiter because he doesn't see some future with him. Once he's at a "don't care" point with you. That's how he'll be.

nerdyasianman14 · Answer

That is bad. It really shows the TRUE side of him, regardless how nice he treats you. Once you are attached to him, it is a no surprised he will eventually treat you the same way he treated the waiter. I guarantee you... You better do something about him, or better, leave him.

I am nothing like that. I appreciate and respect the people who work their ass off to earn some money in their lives. They are no different. We are all the same.

JustinCaseUDontKnow · Answer

I do agree with you. I had relatives who took me and my sister
to dinner one time and the one cousin she was rude with them
i am sorry but i am very kind, calm, gentle guy i can't find myself
being rude like that to people. I think you need to give this guy
second thoughts about his behavior, nothing says he can't go
off on you some time like the way he treated the waiter I do
feed into people , i always check for red flags

rUinSAYAN · Answer

my toughts is he is nice to you but a douche to others. this tells that if you don't like being the submissive one for real you are going to have a short time with this guy cause it kinda looks like he is ignoring his surroundings and treating you well cause he wants something from you. maybe when he got it he could turn into what you see now, good observation girl

campylobacterjejuni · Answer

Well I'm not sure really. If he was actually rude then that's a big no no. But I definitely don't think criticizing a waiter for not doing his job well, or sending back bad food, is rude. It may not be usual, but I do send back food that I find unacceptable; you're paying for it after all. It can be done in a respectful manner though of course. I just don't know if you perceived him as snooty because he has standards, or because he was actually rude.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah haha I've read a lot of lists about things to beware when you're on a date, and how they treat waiters/bartenders/cashiers is almost always on the top 10. Apparently it shows impatience, arrogance and other bad qualities... his plan to hide them backfires obviously,

jag420 · Answer

People generally show their best side on a first date, just saying. my opinion, if thats how he treats people with his best side showing, get out before it gets worse

TadCurious · Answer

I completely agree with you. I agree that we can learn a LOT about people by observing how they treat others.

Anonymous · Answer

I agree with you. I would tell him he's a loser for the way he treated him and to not contact me further. You don't want someone like that in your life.

SilverWeb · Answer

If he can do that to the waiter, there's a chance that he might do that to you in the future. A really big red flag indeed

NZDSTR · Answer

forget that guy , a nice guy is nice to anyone no matter what they do. You're just seeing what he's like without his mask on !

Maazin · Answer

He was trying to overly impress you which unfortunately did not happen. Try once more to see if he repeats the same behavior.

harakiri · Answer

huge red flag. i wouldn't go out with him again.

On a date with a guy who was rude to the waiter - thoughts?

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