Is she not ready to date, or just not ready to date me?

I am serious about a girl who just broke up with her last boyfriend last month. He drank a lot and cheated on her. I am fairly good friends with her, and on Christmas day, I asked her out. She was ok with that up until two hours before the date. Then she called and said that she was not ready to date yet. I told her I understood and held no hard feelings. I regularly get to exchange positive small talk with her as I see her, but as soon as I mention something as simple as bringing over a pizza, she tells me she is not ready yet to date.

I am fine with that and have no problem waiting as long as I know she feels some level of attraction for me. I understand she may just be being cautious. When do you think it is safe for me to initiate a safe date such as going over to her place to watch a movie or dinner? How can I find out here level of interest or if she just does not want to hurt me?

I forgot to tell you all this important part. She and her son talked about this before hand and he actually was asking me to ask her out after they discussed it. She was all for it.I even asked her so, and she agreed.


Most Helpful Girl

  • She just went through a rough time and I'm sure that in the month she hasn't fully gone out of it yet. She is still running it through her head. A lot is probably going through her head right now and one of the big things is probably a fear of losing a good friend. I can't tell you for sure b/c I don't know how close you are, heck you might not even know how much you mean to her.

    In my own experience I went through a very hard time about 2 1/2 years ago and I met someone that is now a very good friend. Then in the spring through the summer more things just started going wrong, but he was always there, even when it was very hard for him to be able to be there. I don't think he has any idea how much he means to me b/c he probably doesn't think he really did anything for me. But I lookup to him and respect him more than any guy I know and care about him very much because of who he is and how he has proved to be one of the most caring and truest friends I have and will ever have.

    You could be the same thing to her, or something very similar. And the fear of losing that guy is overwhelming, sometimes enough to make you wary of letting them be more b/c what if it doesn't work out and you care about them more you lose more - also she probably thinks you're a good guy and a good friend, getting closer shows you more of a person, she could be afraid of finding out your not who she thinks you are, just like that guy she just got out of a relationship with, I'm sure she didn't think when it started he was going to drink so much or cheat on her.

    I would say that talking about it is always the best option. You can find he right time for the conversation, but you should tell her if you are willing to wait for her, but if in order to wait you need to know the truth you need to ask for it. Be polite and don't force it. tel her she doesn't have to tell you right then but that you want to know if she is just putting you off because you don't feel that way about you, if she really doesn't know how she feels, or if she wants to go out on a date, but she just isn't ready. Say something along the lines that you are interested bu you won be hurt if all she wants is friendship that you just want the honest truth. I would say that it is the last but only the two of you can figure it out and you need to do it together. Good luck :)

    • Thank you for taking time and for giving me your very insightful answer. .

    • My pleasure I only hope it helps :)

What Girls Said 6

  • Good luck :)

    • Thank you. I really hope this thing flourishes in time.

  • There's no need to be afraid of some man coming to sweep her off her feet away from you. If she's resistant with you (and you two are good friends), she'll probably be more resistant with other guys she'll come across. After a bad break up, she may need some time for herself to figure things out. If you want to hang out with her, try asking about the pizza thing, but tell her that it's not a date and there's no pressure for commitment from either of you. She may be more willing to do that if you reassure her. And make sure she knows that you'll be there for her as a friend and you understand that she needs time.

    • Thank you for taking time to respond with this excellent answer.

    • No problem. I hope this helped :)

  • When she is ready, she will suggest it to you. Until then be her supportive friend. Don't rush it or bring it up with her. If she wants it she will ask. It's hard to trust after someone cheats on you. Just be a good friend.

    • I greatly appreciate your suggestions. I guess the waiting is hard for me to accept because I am afraid as a guy that some other man will try to move in on her while I am waiting.i have to take her considerations to heart though.

  • Well... any girl//guy can sit on here and give you all the "maybes" but the real true answer is in her. You should ask yourself some simple questions like Did she have any children by her ex boyfriend? Do you think it's too soon to start dating her since she just broke up? Do you think maybe she still has feelings for her ex that she's not completely over? And do you know why they broke up? I know I'm a lot younger than you.... but when I break up with someone I don't start dating anyone a month after simply because I'm still hurt and upset and I miss the guy. Just because he cheated on her.... doesn't mean she doesn't still love him. It doesn't just erase love from ones heart if it did no one would ever be hurt when they broke a relationship off :) So may I suggest that you give her time to relax... backing off is the best thing you can do for her. The more you try to set a date she isn't yet ready for.. the more she is going to push you away. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to eat dinner just as friends and stress to her that you understand she's not ready to date and you just want to hang out as friends for a night. Doing that will keep you connected to her but not in a way that will have her pushing you away. :) Good luck!!!

  • Aww I know this may really suck for both of you, because I've been in both situations. all I can tell you is to wait it out. Its hard when someone cheats on you, especially if you really cared about them. Don't mention it because it is likely to upset her, but be there for her. You will get closer to her and she will be able to trust you and maybe she will eventually tell you how she feels.

    • Poor thing, she is scared.. Im going through this with a guy right now he has been cheated on a lot ect.. give it time, and take it slow. she is afriad she will get hurt again, and she don't want that. Just show her you care, and tell her how you feel

    • Great idea.Thank you.

What Guys Said 4

  • Well you started out friends with her. If you guys start to date (it's good she sees you in the light) she risk the chance of losing you as a friend. As we all know, after a break up... it's difficult to establish a friendship again.

    So she's debating on giving up a friendship for a potential relationship. She sounds like she's in a fragile state of mind and I'd just let her heal.

    I'm sure she's interested but she may not want to jeopordize the friendship, this is known as the "friend zone" syndrom ;)

    Just keep asking her out for 1-1, If she keeps turning you down. Distance yourself to show that dating was the option you want, otherwise you'll creep back into her friend zone and before you know it, she's found a new guy interest.

    my 02.

  • Be careful with her. I think Christmas day was a bad day to ask her out since the holidays can be a lonely time for people and that makes them more likely to make an emotional decision that doesn't relate to their true feelings (such as agreeing to go on a date that she didn't want).

    I'm worried for you that a) this could be rebound relationship and b) that this is a pattern for her. How long was she with the cheating and much-drinking guy? If he cheated on her and she kicked his butt out immediately, and does not have a long history of being cheated on, then it may be fine. But if the relationship was up and down and she made excuses for a long time about him, then I suspect she is one who wants drama and will only be attracted to you if you turn into a jackass.

  • You gotta remember bro the wounds are still healing. You don't want to be that guy who goes for the rebound unless that's all you want. She might be thinking that or maybe she's not into you OR somebody has been talkin bad about you and that's why she got cold feet right before you first agreed date. Think, do you know anyone she knows that might talk bad behind your back?

    But if you guys do get together, you should drink a lot and cheat on her. Seems to be what she likes.

    j/k. Best of luck bro

    • Thank you. It is just easier if I had an idea if there was some interest on her part, so I have something to hold on to.

  • She just got done with a tough situation. And it takes time to heal over these things. It seems too that the older we get , the more deeply we fall, and the more time it takes. It may seem that a month is long enough for Us guys, but put your self in her shoes and try to see what she thinks. All in all Just give it time--she needs a friend now more than prince-charming.

    • Thanks. great perspective.