Girl like me but says she is not ready to date just yet, can I do anything?

[Anonymous]

I'am talking to a girl and we got off really good. she said im the best guy she has ever spoke too and we click super well and have non stop conversations and even had nearly 7 hour phone call. It's a little long distance then when i asked to meet her she apologized to me a lot and said she is not ready to date and did not want to lead me on and her "dating" is making things worse. She was recently in a really bad relationship (well two) and the guys lied to her and one guy was very narcissistic and really controlling over her and blamed everything on her but he kept lying to her. She almost got emotional even talking about it. Is there anything i can do? she kind of hinted i'am not the problem but her. I told her i'am not like these other guys but her past is really bothering her. Should i just let her be? I did catch feelings for her. Just shocking that now she said that to me really.

[Alli39]

If you really like her, it's ok to stick around for a while as a friend, with the understanding that you find her attractive and would be open to dating if she decides she's ready. She probably just realized she needs time to work through some things and doesn't want to hurt you in the process. I've been there and it's really hard. But just know that you'd be signing up to legitimately be her friend and would have to let it go if she doesn't change her mind any time soon. You also have to make the judgement of whether or not that's really a healthy choice for you because it can be hard waiting for someone who may never be ready for you. So if you want to and think you're able to do so healthy, it's not bad to stick around as a friend, show her a truly caring person who isn't going to be like her ex's, and support her process. You might also choose to pursue other people during that time. You guys are clearly compatible as people, but that doesn't mean you have to have a romantic relationship. Moreover she might not like seeing you wait around for her since it could put pressure on her emotional process. But if you think for a moment that you can't or don't want to then a clean break is a valid and healthy choice that you shouldn't be afraid to make. She'll understand.

Do what will make you happy and healthy, don't be afraid to change your mind down the road, and be sure to communicate with her no matter what. She's going through something extremely difficult to like you as much as she does and still make the choice not to be with you. Know that the outcome is not your fault, but if you can't be a real friend above all else, you might do more harm than good by staying. The worst thing you can do for her is build up expectations of what will happen in your relationship and be hurt when it fails. A similar situation absolutely demolished an important friendship of mine recently. I don't want to see it happen to anyone else if I can help it.

[Asker]

thank you for taking the time for this detailed message. When you say you have been there and it's bad can you give me an example of what that means? i'am sorry but i guess a guys mind is different when it comes to "emotion" if its personal you can message me or i can message you. She did tell me i did nothing wrong, she likes me and is the best guy she has ever spoken too but is not ready to meet yet and needs to heal herself. Her ex husband was really mentally abusive and controlling and lier and same with the guy she seen after for 4 months. She recently got divorced 8 months ago and she even said she is going too fast.

I understand 100% i'am not going to be sitting and waiting but at the same time if she ok to date i will be happy, if i find someone else then well... i have to make a decision,. I told her i will support her no matter and happy she is doing this for her own well being and sorry these other guys treated her like crap.

She said she is catching feelings but is scared and so that is why she kinda stopped where she was because she said i dont want to lead you on because it will make her worse forcing things. She delted facebook dating but still kept me on social media. Overall i want to see her better, yes if she decides to talk to me again in a but then great. she open to being friends for nowbut i can tell she si really really hurt. Like i guess mentally is that she can;t trust me, can't trust herself or combo of both?

[Alli39]

No problem and I don't mind sharing publicly, I'm functionally anonymous here anyway.

What I meant was that I've been a place where I really liked a guy but wasn't emotionally prepared to date him. I came from a household which I'm now coming to terms with the fact was a bit emotionally abusive, I was under a lot of pressure academically (this was back in high school just to be clear), and I'd never dated anyone before. I really wanted to be able to have a relationship with him and we had talked about it/both told each other our feelings, but I was never actually ready to take any real steps in that direction. It's a hard space to describe because so much of it was rooted in long-term insecurities and a developing anxiety disorder.

Based on my experience, I think it's a mix of lack of trust in herself and you. She's probably got a lot on her mind trying to muddle her way through all the insecurities and fears that develop from being the victim of abuse. It's an absolute battle some days just to figure out how much of your concerns are even real vs how much you're making up. She probably is scared to trust her judgement of you (hence the lack of trust in you yourself). Abusive relationships rarely start off that way, it's hard to hurt someone that doesn't care about you after all. She's probably seeing you being super supportive and kind and may get nervous at the thought that one day you may leave or what you're showing now isn't actually real.

To be fully honest, I'm still trying to work my way out of this mindset, so I can't actually say how to get past it entirely. But of the people I have been able to develop close relationships with, here's some of the things they've done that have helped me:

[Alli39]

1) Creating low-stakes environments. If you want to try and progress your relationship make it clear that each step doesn't imply anything more happening, ever. A hug doesn't mean a kiss, and a kiss doesn't mean sex. A hang-out isn't a date, and a single date isn't dating. Relationships can feel extremely pressuring, so removing expectations of progress can help let the person be more honest about their desires and boundaries. But if she says no, obviously it's a not and try not to bring it up again for a while.
2) Make it clear that you are living your life outside of her. It's legitimately scary when guys get hung up on you when you're not sure how you feel about them/yourself. Knowing that you have stuff going on separately can reassure her that you won't be too hurt if she never decides to pursue your relationship. Letting your life orient around her is absolutely terrifying.
3) Avoid letting your relationship focus on your lack of relationship. Freely express the positives of your friendship and how being with her makes you feel. Let her know that her presence in your life is valuable outside your romantic interest for her. And lowkey just make sure to talk about other things. Keeping it lighthearted and fun as often as possible will help her relax and know that you don't resent the position you're in.

[Alli39]

4) Don't be afraid to voice your own opinions and preferences. It's scary not knowing. If something about where you're at changes, communicate. If you want something, let her know. If you need to establish a new boundary to protect your own feelings, be upfront and clear about it. I promise that she's rather you ask for a little distance now than get hurt later.
5) Encourage her to get help or find support outside yourself. It's not pushing her away, but it's important that she finds herself again and regains her confidence and trust. It will happen, but having support from a wide variety of sources is extremely meaningful. Some of the most healing words I've ever heard have come from near strangers, simply because of how uninvested they are when they give their opinions.

I really spoke about my own experiences here, and I don't know what she's been through or where she's at, so what she needs may be different. The best thing you can do is be supportive and communicate. But the most important thing in all this is that you are safe, healthy, and happy. It sounds like if nothing else then she might have gained a valuable friend in you and that in and of itself is incredible.

[Alli39]

And my apologies for writing a small book in the replies lol. :)

[Asker]

No problem at all for writing all of that. I appreciate it a lot actually. Thank you. I can tell you this. She was married for 6 years and she told me it got to the point where everyday she would sit alone at the river for 3 to 4 hours and I really really felt bad. I guess her ex husband "gas lighted" her a lot. I can tell she was really hurt. I'am a mechanic and she kept asking me a question about this girl that came.. I just simply was talking about my day and mentioned a girl. She was like "she must have been really beautiful to talk to you", etc... It seems like she was really focused on this girl lol, maybe because I said we went on a road test for her car? Then she started to ask me other questions like what she was wearing loool, I don't know why she was so interested. As for right now. We have stopped talking. She has agreed to talk to me if she needs anything, etc... I'am content if she doesn't talk to me again, I genuinely from my heart want her to heal and get better. She has not deleted me from social. I actually never dated a girl before (you can laugh at me if you want) but I made sure I was ready for the future and let her know that too. I told her I will be there for her always and I meant that.

Even though I don't know you either I want the same for you too.

I really tried to tell her she can trust me and told her I date to marry, no games. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I would never ever cheat in my life. I tried my best to make her comfortable but yes I can tell she was still hurting.

[Asker]

Personally I think she made the right decision. Some of my co workers said I should message her some pretty rude things because we were suppose to "meet" today but i'am not that type of guy. I think she made the right choice and I want to see her at peace with herself. I'm sure her ex husband did things she did not tell me. I will leave her to be. I'am not the pushy type

[Alli39]

Good for you. You seem like a very kind and understanding person so I hope things work out for you.

[Asker]

Thank you :) i just wish her the best even if she doesn't message me back to be honest. We're all human so i don't get caught up in the little things. It is what it is as they say

[Anonymous]

Man, I don’t think it’s cool for her to have even started engaging with you if she knew she wasn’t ready for that. Even if it was out of loneliness or whatever it’s kinda like she led you on. Anyway what’s done is done I guess. Ultimately if she’s not ready to date then yeah, leave her be. I know it’s easy to get caught up in those instant connections, but at the same time you can’t rush her healing process and you will only hurt yourself in the end by continuing to invest in a woman who’s emotionally unavailable.

[Asker]

so i will be honest, i met her on facebook dating and she is actually a pretty good girl. We both had very similar things that even we were shocked about. Yes i did feel she let me on but she actually told me i did nothing wrong and she is really really sorry for what she did. She said she likes me but she needs heal first and admits the last guy she rushed way too fast and was very upfront and honest (i respect that a lot personally, some people lead on for months). The past was bad to her and literally led her on for 5 months. So i get where she is coming from but i kept telling her to at least meet me and see im not like these other guys regardless if she told me she knows i'am not and i would treat her good. I think too even when she talks about it she needs to heal. I do feel really sad actually but i mean if its going to make her feel better than i'am ok with that. I know i may sound stupid but i will let her be. Do you think she might message me again. She deleted her dating app but didn't block me on anything else.

[Asker]

Be honest, is it because she doesn't trust me or can't trust her heart and mind?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, like I don’t think she’s a bad person whatsoever, I’m just saying it wasn’t a good choice to put herself out there when she wasn’t ready. But what matters now is that she realized the error in her ways, apologized and was very honest. I too can respect her coming clean rather than string you along for more days, weeks, even months. It’s possible that she may come back, but as the saying goes: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If she needs to heal, it will not be a quick process by any means, it is a long journey. So keep putting yourself out there, try to connect with other women and hopefully you will find the right one.

[Asker]

She did mention she would like to remain friends for the time being. But yes i'am not going to "wait". If I find someone else and it goes good then yes of course I will go with them. Thank you for your help and opinion

[Christoff92]

Just be friends with her. Also being a pure gentleman with honesty can modify her to actually like you more.

[Asker]

yup that is what i will do. if she wants to talk to me about anything i told her i will always be there for her

[BasedBaeBecca]

If this girl is going through a difficult time in her life and is not ready to date, it might be best to respect her decisions and give her some space. Trying to pressure or convince her to date you at this time could cause added stress and anxiety for her. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding while allowing her to work through her emotions at her own pace. Showing her empathy and compassion will help her feel safe and appreciated, and build trust and understanding between the two of you. When she is ready to date, she will let you know.

[Asker]

yup, i did respect her decision and i will be giving her space. exactly i even told her do what you need to do to get better. Take it at your own pace. Only she knnows how she really feels and i'am not the type of guy to force anything. Thank you very much i will do all of this. I did ask her to be really honest and she said doesn't have to do anything with me, its her.