Mother Dearest: Why I Haven't Spoken To My Mother in Over 20 Years

[Borginborg]

I was born to a low-income family. My biological mother and father separated around the time I was one year old so I have no recollection of them ever being together. What I do recollect is being handed to people while my mother took money (that is another story for another day). When I was 5 my mother remarried and ended up having 6 other children.

What can I say about my mother? It made me depressed and angry that my mother decided to turn her back on me and put the needs of the other children ahead of mine.

I cannot recall any positive experiences that I had with my family growing up. This does not mean that there were no positive events, it just means that fear, depression and anger were such prominent issues in my childhood that they overshadowed them. It always seemed that when I needed my mother she wasn’t there physically, mentally or emotionally.

The part that hurt the most is that she didn’t protect me from my abusers even after I told her what was happening. I truly, to this day, believe that at times she “fed” me to the abuse. Some may say that she was just as much a victim as I was without the strength or mental and emotional fortitude required she was just as hopeless in her life as I was in mine. Then I remember times she purposefully had me beat or sent me to be raped because she was angry with me. My mother never hit me I can say that in all honesty, her punishments were much more traumatic.

She would turn her back and act like I didn’t just get beat or punished by dehydration or starvation. She would convince herself the blood flowing down my leg and tracking on the floor was mud and she was swaddling me to teach me a lesson not to cry like a baby. In my teenage years after I was too big to rape I did bring the topic up, but she would tell me that I was making it up or that it was my fault, the story changed depending on her mood. Sometimes I even allowed myself to believe her that I was imagining it because the truth made me nothing, a worthless piece of human flesh.

How can you not remember hearing your son screaming and then having to rip up a sheet to wrap around him like a diaper because of the blood? How can you not remember, when your favorite way to keep him in line was to threaten to send him to his abuser if he didn’t behave? How about sneaking him food & water because he had been forbidden to eat or drink?

I wrote a letter to my mother years ago and mailed it to her. Part of her 3 sentence letter I got in response with my original letter attached, "...You had better not be telling people this stuff...", like really mom! As if you have any right to even make any sort of suggestion to me!

Dear Mom

It is your son --------. I know that we haven’t spoke for quite some time and I want you to know that although I really want to have you in my life I can't allow it. I am at a point in my life where I must stand up and be myself. I must leave my past life behind and work towards a better future. That includes breaking a lot of cycles of abuse. In order for me to completely break those cycles I must severe relationships with the people who instigate them.

I am greatly indebted to you for giving birth to me, even though you have told me many times in the past that you regret the decision. I am grateful that you provided me clothes to wear, food to eat and a roof over my head. I appreciate the fact that you taught me responsibility and how to hold my head high no matter how bad the beatings got or how sore or ripped apart my body was. The lessons were great, the way you taught them were not so good and have left scar’s that may never heal. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I am still recovering from my childhood and all the things you allowed to happen.

You kept telling me that you were not strong enough, mother. I was a child; if you were not strong enough than what made you think I was? There is a lot of anger I hold inside me because of what I went through while under your care. I will never be able to understand how a parent could claim to love their children and yet turn a blind eye to their hurt and pain, or make the hurt and pain happen then pretend they didn't. I can never forget that you always turned your back on me when the abuse was occurring and then pretended it didn’t happen or that you didn’t see it. Hiding from reality is something I learned very well from you mother. For the majority of my life, I hid from reality, only I used drugs to help me escape from the truth.

Honestly, I can't trust you, I never will. I can't trust that you would keep my children safe because you never kept me safe. I cannot trust you to teach my children properly because you never taught me properly. My children may grow up without any knowledge of you and that is the hardest thing I think I will ever say in my life. I have tears running down my cheeks as I write this because my children deserve to have a grandmother that loves and protects them. Just as I deserved, as a child, to have a mother who loved and protected me……

Maybe someday the hurt, pain and anger will go away and maybe someday we will speak again. You have chosen your life and I have chosen mine. I have broken my ties to those cycles of abuse and the people who perpetuate them. Take care, mother. You gave life to me so there will always be a soft spot in my heart for you. Because of that soft spot I will never be able to allow myself to be around you. I cannot risk having that soft spot exploited so therefore I must protect it the only way I know how: I must distance myself from you. So take care and have a good life mother. Hopefully, in the next life, things can be different.

Your Son

[Nik1hil]

Should I respect you or idolize you!.. My mom physically beaten me to crap as a toddler on weekly basis,.. And I ended up calling her with her name once I was strong enough and she didn't dared to hit me!.. I stopped calling her mom I used her name or word "madam" (what people from her office call her) that was my way of displaying my anger...

I also have a letter written for my mom which I will send her (after converting into hindi, she cannot read English).. It's quotes as!..

-------------------[ As a child you treated me Brutally both my brother are living witness to it!..

You blame it all to a snide comment from my grandmother that challenged the fact of me being your and my father's offspring inflicted you so deep that your intentions became to kill me as a infant or toddler. This fact you accepted to my father, another morning of summer 2016 when you assumed I was asleep!..

Reading further in this letter Don't burst in tears because, I honestly don't care about your tears as you didn't cared for mine!.. as an innocent child!..

" You need to know this, that I forgive you for how you treated me not because it's a good thing or the right thing to do."

But because
- I cannot store that much anger in me it will consume me.
- Neither can I spend another moment of life in Vengeance, I feel this life is too short to do that!..
- You gave birth to me and I respect it.
- And I hope you die in peace knowing the fact that I forgave you because around 2014 you asked for it.] - - - - - - - - - - -

That's just one part of letter!.. Man I admire you and hope that you succeed in making this society a better place!..

Forgiveness isn't in my nature but seeing the fact that as your age you are willing to give try to a fresh start then why can't I...

[Borginborg]

I like your letter and congratulations it takes a strong person to do what you are about to do. the closure it brings to you will free your heart. Forgive but never forget, to forget our pasts means to forget ourselves. Somewhere inside of you is that beaten child that realized that anger and violence brings control. Bring that child to the surface when you are alone and let him see the light of day. Teach him that love and caring brings respect, loyalty, return of love and so many other positive things that it outweighs the benefits of anger and violence. Don't let that child hide anymore or else forgiveness will be nothing but words on paper. You are the adult, now teach and give your inner child everything you wish you learnt and received as a child. End result will be core reprogramming.

[Nik1hil]

You know what those words you just said, (from the core of your experience). Felt like a forest fire of inspiration to me. I have Screenshot them and I am gonna read them daily!.. To inspire me to higher goals!..

[Anonymous]

This is very sad. I'm really sorry you had to go through this.
I don't want to insult anyone but some people are weak and they are scared that if they ever stand up for themselves their lives will be destroyed. I can imagine your mom having 6 children, didn't want to be separated from the father of the children because who else would pay for her and them so she sacrificed you for those other 6. That is truly disgusting. You don't need your mother and neither do your children. You know, the least parents can do for the children they have brought into this world is to give them love and security and your mother failed. You have to know that even though she is not acknowledging your pain she knows what you went through and has to live with the shame anf guilt. She probably can't accept it herself because the weight of this guilt would destroy her.
I'm happy you made it out of that situation and became a strong person and I'm sure you will be a good father to your children. Again I'm really sorry life has been so unfair to you.

[Borginborg]

Life in its way always gives back. Because of what I went through I have abilities, skills and tools at my disposal that few have. I use these to reach others and touch their lives, ensuring they don't have to follow the path I followed.

[hellionthesage]

You can't control what happens to you but you can control how you respond to it. At least you where able to eventually get out of that world and make things better. Though I don't quite understand the attachment to your mother (I was abused in every way imaginable as well but luckily the physical aspects only lasted until I was five (considerably shorter then it did for you) but unfortunately the emotional abuse at the hands of my step mother was probably worse as it essentially turned me against myself (self doubt and what not (I'm sure you understand what I mean) instead of having an outside force to stand up against.)) Personally I feel like just because you are biologically related to some one does not mean you owe them anything, friends are the family you choose you owe them but once a person stops being a decent human being you owe them nothing its no different then a stranger being a terrible human being. Either way though its good you evolved from it, that's the biggest problem with abuse is that its like a disease, they have it and hurt you and then now you are filled with their anger and insecurities and then usually you then pass that on to others. So again its a good thing you managed to evolve past that, its kind of like destroying a strain of a virus, that pain doesn't get passed on any more thus you have spared not just your children but those around you from suffering from that same "disease" so to speak.

[Borginborg]

Thank you and congratulations yourself. They say a persons core values and basic characteristics are set before the age of 5. It is hard to break those or to retrain yourself to think differently when it is a belief you can't shake. I myself will never see any value in myself. It will never happen. I get my value from the things I do, people I help and watching my children grow up strong, healthy and safe. You strip all that away and I am still that worthless little boy that was to afraid to sleep on the bed so slept under the bed or in a closet just so I could get a semi good nights sleep. Now in saying that I know it is not true, I truly do but my core belief in myself, that one thing that I can not seem to manage to change keeps telling me I am still that boy. People don't see it, nobody would guess it if I didn't admit it. It is a secret war that all early age abuse survivors fight... Well I am here if you ever want to chat or pick my brain :)

[hellionthesage]

by 5? That seems really early. Well for me I don't know what that early abuses affect was (I remember bits and pieces of it) but I can tell you the emotional abuse from my mother definitely shaped me (she was convinced I was going to be a bad person because of the abuse irregardless of how I felt about the subject). But I whent the reflective route, I question everything and analyze it. Personaly when I moved out I just did a lot of self reflecting and its taken years to get to where I am (which is frustrating because their is still a huge ways to go (she pretty much destroyed my drive and ambition telling me everything I wanted to do was unrealistic and has heavily implied (that's her thing) that I was stupid (which is funny because I read the illiad when I was 8 and no one else seems to think that))

[hellionthesage]

so my view on it was that this is my desert, just as great philosophers and teachers (jesus mohammed Buddha the stoic philosophers) all where put into harsh conditions frequently in the desert where they had little food no human contact for years (even decades) I just looked at all I experienced in much the same way, it shaped me but I was going to learn from it and grow stronger from it (probably why I like norse mythology as for them the only path to wisdom was to struggle and suffer). So I appreciate the offer though don't know if I need it (unless you know a good way to give yourself a kick in the ass (at home my defense mechanism was shutting down and retreating inward and its proven to be a hard habit to break so instead of addressing the problem it gets ignored)). I would also extend the same offer to you, if you need it. And yeah I know what you mean, that part of you tends to linger in the background whispering in your ear that your not good enough or what have you.

[Borginborg]

we have a lot of similarities it seems like. I grew up believing I was only alive to serve. by the time I was 13 I had read my stepfathers entire library (over 500 books on theology and religion) I would have discussions with adults that baffled them. but I still believed I was stupid.

[hellionthesage]

Sounds about right. I read a lot of mythology theology and the occult (not as bad as it sounds basicly a more sophisticated intellectualized version of theology) and then science etc, all in an attempt to understand the world (I think I fixated on the mythology and folklore because of the monsters seeing as how I had such a screwed up child hood and then to be treated as if I was going to become one myself it kind of became an obsession for awhile, now its less therapeutic and more interesting). And yeah you still feel stupid even now I start getting little panic attacks when I start thinking maybe I really am as stupid as I was raised to believe (though the evidence seems to suggest otherwise). Apparently we dealt with our issues in similar ways.

[Borginborg]

I have complex post traumatic stress disorder from my childhood. The same thing solders get after going to war. (Among other lifelong physical problems like brain lesions from getting my head banged against to many walls). And I escaped into myths and legends to. But i always pictured myself the hero.

[hellionthesage]

I did as well, to me I was always drawn to the darker heroes not that they where evil but rather something tormented them. I kind of thought of it as, well in occult lore King Solomon imprisoned 72 demons inside a vessel (its detailed in the book arse goetia) for me I felt like that vessel, I was filled with hate and anger and fear and so much other things that seemed to have a mind of their own but at the same time it didn't feel like it was mine, it was like some one had placed their inner demons into me and I was just the vessel, if that makes sense? So I was terrified of monsters so for me my approach to fear was always fight it head on (I was a bit of a berserker as a child if I felt threatened I would blank out and then the next thing I knew I would be snapping out of it usually because I was being dragged away by some one having lashed out in every way possible (kicking punching biting etc) any one who came near me.)

[hellionthesage]

In fact I overcame my fear of the dark (after getting put into foster care) by cussing out the "monsters" in the dark and threatening them with bodily harm (which was probably hilarious to see since I probably only weighed about 30 pounds and had a speech impediment). So since I was terrified of monsters and everything I just started researching them, trying to understand them (the fact that my mother had me convinced I was going to be/was one didn't hurt either since I sure as hell didn't feel like I was one) how to defend against them how they came into existence etc. I actually did that for everything I started realizing that raw rage wasn't going to get me where I needed to be (no amount of anger is going to stop death) so I became reflective and analytical trying to understand why things where the way they where, I actually studied sharks lore then religions (due to a fear of death after I was stabbed in the head) then science etc.

[hellionthesage]

But yeah I always envisioned myself as the hero (actually became with morality and truth as I was constantly treated like at any moment I was just going to transform and become exactly what my mother and her boyfriend where. In fact my obsession with truth is probably because my stepmother always accused me of lying so instead of realizing that nothing I said was going to be believed and thus not caring I went the opposite route and become obsessed with it (not a bad thing in my opinion)) in fact to this day when I play games I still have to be the good guy, can't manage to be evil in them (I tried and then was guilt tripped by a video game child into doing good again :D ). I would imagine you would have PTSD its kind of hard not to given the extreme levels of abuse and the length they went on. What do you do to cope with it?

[Marinepilot]

Man do I feel for you. My father, God rest his tortured soul was
very much aloof and cold. He very cold and distant and should
never have been a parent. He lied to me constantly and definitely
favored my younger brother. in my opinion the biggest reason he was cold and distant
toward me was because he was no match for me intellectually. And he knew it.
I was also a very good athlete and he wasn't. That said, he never saw how hard I worked at athletics or school. He thought I had that much natural talent. Which I did, but I worked my ass off to develop. I'd work out with weights for hours in our garage in 10 degree weather in Texas lying on a sleeping bag to do bench presses. I'd stay up until all hours studying so I
could compete in the classroom. He traveled a lot so he rarely saw this.
He died 17 years ago and I remember feeling empty inside during his memorial. There was no sadness inside. Oh I displayed the proper grief and sorrow outwardly. But inside was another story. Truly I hope that low rent motherfucker is rotting in hell. A place he rightfully deserves to be in.

[Borginborg]

I learnt years ago I had to let my resentments die. Holding onto them affected me in ways I never imagined until i did let go. Now I help other adults that grew up feeling like nothing to come to terms with the fact that they do not need to be defined by their childhoods. Yes the scars will always be there and yes some wounds never heal properly and affect aspects of your life forever. There is a way to stop that though. The cycles of abuse can not be stopped until you let go the hate, hurt, anger, pain the very emotions that destroyed us once can take hold in us and destroy again.

[phil2]

The path to Forgiveness is going to be really hard on you, but I still hope you find it. My mother verbally, mentally and physically abused me too but I have learned to forgive her and now I have learned to love her. She is human, and she is hurting too. The more I understand her, the more I feel sorry for her. I am really sorry that happened to you and the best thing you can do is give your kids a better future. I see it that way, I am a bit like my mom but I am working on it. I refuse to call my kids names and physically abuse them. Good luck

[Borginborg]

Thank you for stating sentiments I feel. Yes I have forgiven my mother. I will just never forget nor allow her the opportunity to do it again. When I left my mother destroyed every picture of me, erasing me from their lives. They had to give up the farm when I moved because I did all the work to keep it going and my siblings and stepfather were unable to keep it going. They used this fact to turn my brothers and sister against me. They don't want me and I have no use for them. I feel the normal range of emotions associated with such abuse but I still love my mother and I understand why she did what she did. Forgive so we can be forgiven ;)

[phil2]

Yes, I too hate it when people use me and then get mad when they can't anymore. They have serious issues.

[Borginborg]

hate is such a strong word and I try to avoid it as much as I can. it evokes images of things and people in my past that deserve to be hated and if the other things and people aren't as bad as them then I can't say I hate them. hate is a reserved emotion for the worst of them.

[phil2]

I hate the sin, I never hate people but I protect myself as do you

[Borginborg]

in the end that is all we have is self protection to get us through

[SmileGirl95]

I am truly sorry Borginborg :( I know you told me a little about this a few weeks ago, but the extent to which you suffered is truly terrible and my heart goes out to you. You did not at all deserve what happened to you and it's wonderful how you've turned your life around. I'm not sure if your children know, but if they do then I hope they are proud to have a father like you. Thank you so much for your help and I am here if you need to talk to me. I will be praying for you and your healing 😘😘 xxxxx

[Borginborg]

Thank you. My children are as of yet to young to comprehend and I hope they are never able to fully comprehend the trauma.

[SmileGirl95]

Would you ever tell them about it?

[Borginborg]

When the time comes yes

[SmileGirl95]

I hope they will be alright when the time comes xx

[loveisbeautiful]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I imagine it's horrible for anyone to go through that at any age but to endure that when you're a child and completely innocent and have no control over what happens to you, it's horrible. So, I'm really sorry that was your childhood. However, you kind of get a do over with your own kids because now you are in control and get to make sure they never have to deal with anything in their young lives, like you did.

I know someone who's went through a lot in his life and though he's still got much healing to do, he's got a good heart and has good attitude about life in the most positive of ways, which I find comforting and refreshing. You seem to have that same spirit and attitude towards things, like despite what happened to you you are kind and never let it take the parts of you that matter. You got a good outlook on things and I'm sure you will help many people. Good luck to you :)

[Borginborg]

thank you. I try to hold onto the good parts because if I held onto the bad parts they would be scary bad :)
As long as my kids don't have to walk a day in my shoes Then I will have done my job right.

[loveisbeautiful]

You're welcome :) And, that's a good way to look at things. Not to pry but can I ask where your biologic dad was in all this or was he part of the abuse to? I'm not trying to pry, I just wonder when there's two parents why one doesn't try to save their child from the abuse that's occurring, especially if they know it is happening.

[Borginborg]

At the time my biological dad was having his own war with addictions and alcoholism. I found out later he always sent me a card with money in it every birthday and Christmas , my mother would pocket the money and rip up the card. I found out by finding a card in the garbage and she admitted doing it. He has since won his fight and is doing well. We have reconnected but I can never look at him as a dad but he is a great friend. My kids know him as my dad and they call him grandpa. Lol

[loveisbeautiful]

I'm sorry to hear that but glad he's doing better and that you two can at least be friends. It's a start, right?

[Borginborg]

it is more than I ever hoped for

[loveisbeautiful]

That's great :)

[ettabrown33e]

I am so sorry truly, from one human to another. I care for you as my brother on earth. We all only have one life and i admire your strength to share and i pray the best for your health. Congratulations on letting go of her and probably the heartbreaking hope to have the kind of mother you wanted. Although not to the extant of your experience, i understand and know the process of healing. But when your free its wonderful. Im glad to had the strength to choose yourself. And i hope that you can claiming a loving family of your own where seeing your wife or partner with the children u share will complete the healing

[Borginborg]

surprising thing is I found a woman very similar to my mother. I tried for 14 years to change her, when my daughter came up to me and said "I want a new mommy, can you find me a new mommy" then I knew it was time for her to go. I now have primary care of 2 of my children and strive every day to ensure they do not ever have to walk a day in my shoes.

[ettabrown33e]

Unfortunatly thats psychology. We find someone like our parents if we aren't consciously aware of our pain or we haven't quite dealt with it while dating. It mustve been hard to hear your daughter say that. Im sure your children know how amazing u r as a father. You truly seem so.

Unfortunately it always seeems to me that the most authentically good people have been through too much suffering to bear.

Thank you and i wish u the best of luck with your next love, your life and your no doubt beautiful children

[Borginborg]

thank you

[Anonymous]

Man, this is heartbreaking. You were still so nice and polite to her after :(
Sorry, not being rude, and like you said- at least you're born, but I don't understand why some people choose to have kids.
Your "mother" was really disgusting. I think I'd probably murder somebody if I heard them do to my kids what your mother heard done to you. You said people say she's also a victim, no, she's also an abuser.
I'm so sorry you went through this. You're a very strong man for not only surviving it but also being able to share your story.
I'm so glad you had the strength to cut her off. You sound amazing, your kids are lucky to have you.

[Borginborg]

My mother was 17 when I was born.. I understand why she thinks like she does (or did) it does not make it right but it takes some of the pain away

[Opinion Owner]

Na, some parents are bad at 17 or 45 and some are good at 17 or 45.
It's good that in a way it can be easier to deal with or come to terms with if you understand their way of thinking, but don't make excuses for her. It isn't excusable. I don't know what her own childhood was like, because often this is a cycle, but I'm so happy for you that you broke the cycle and did right by your kids. Seriously, it might not mean anything from a stranger, but I really admire you, you've done so well and been amazingly strong being where you are today.

[Anonymous]

I haven't talked to my parents in a long time either. Nothing near as bad as your situation, but I do resent them. They were horrible parents and never taught me anything important, like social skills, work ethic, eating habits, etc. I'm 30 years, but in many ways I'm still like an immature teenager.

I just try to move on with my life and do my best to teach myself to be an adult. I've been able to go from making $12 an hour to $30/hr in the past 3 years by studying everday. I've lost 100 lbs during that time and am actually pretty muscular now. I've been doing martial arts and improved a lot with being social with other men. I still have never had a girlfriend but I feel confident around them now and once I finish becoming who I want to be it should be easy to find a great woman.

I guess thats really all I can do. I don't hate my parents, but I don't want to ever see them again. I just want to move on with my life and be the best that I can be and make the most out of life.

[Relentless_Hippie]

I'm so sorry, I honestly don't know what to say. You're certainly strong for moving on with your life, and sharing your story here is admirable. You have a beautiful heart in spite of what you've been through. I don't know you, but I love you. I wish you the best, and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm all ears.

[Borginborg]

Thank you. I share my story in the hopes that perhaps I can reach even one person and let them know that life can change and cycles of abuse can be broken.

[Relentless_Hippie]

You're a kind person. :]

[Borginborg]

Thank you. I prefer to think of it as a broken person that finds healing by ensuring people don't walk in my footsteps.

[QueenofSexyFoxes]

What she did by pretending it didn't happen is gaslighting. My mum did the same thing minus the rapes and beatings. The worst part is when they deny it. You just want to scream at them because you know they do remember they just care about themselves.

Im sorry you had to go through that. Keep fighting.

[Borginborg]

Actually I felt pity on her. That her world and head was so messed up that she was even able to convince herself blood was mud.

[QueenofSexyFoxes]

I can't feel pity for people like our mothers. Because they had control of their actions. They could have protected us at any fucking time.

[Borginborg]

You have to first have the capability to face reality and recognize that your child is not safe. If that mental capability is not there then?

[QueenofSexyFoxes]

@Borginborg my mother has it. Trust me im sure of it. Yours I think does but is so seflish that it only kicks at certain times

[Borginborg]

I think mine has lived in a fantasy land so long it is no longer possible for her to face reality

[YourFutureEx]

Divorce ruins more than two lives. Everybody is so busy with the couple that no one realises what will happen to the children. My mother knew that she couldn't nourish me alone and my dad (and step mother) will only care about the new children, that's why she didn't divorce my dad to let it happen to me.

Even tho it's sad to read what happened to you, I'm glad that how optimistic and vigorous you still are. Keep smiling, Borg. Best wishes :)

[Borginborg]

Thank you

[jjesica346]

Im sorry there is such a presence of evil in this world, your mom is a horrible person and age is not any sort of excuse for her. My mom is garbage too, just not as bad as her and I have nothing to do w her. As you said earlier, keep her away. How long ago did you give your mom the letter? Its seems as though you are doing all the right things even when life was so unfair to you.

[jjesica346]

I wish you well w continuous strength!

[Borginborg]

I gave it to her 8 years ago and I am trying to do things right in order to break the cycles of abuse. and thank you

[jjesica346]

Yes, it is has a very bumpy road for you. Thankfully there are people like you who do break the cycle.

[Borginborg]

well if cycles continue then what improvements have been made? not only to ourselves and our families but to human kind as a whole. civilizations must improve not grow stagnant

[jjesica346]

Exactly

[kittycat119]

By mom and dad did the same to me. My brother would molest and hit me. I would always tell my mom and she'd call me a liar knowing it happened and I would just have to deal with it, and my dad would hit me as well. It didn't stop until a year ago

[Borginborg]

it's hard being told you're a liar when you know that they know you are telling the truth.
You can private message me if you want then we can talk a bit more about resources and things available that can help you rebuild yourself.

[kittycat119]

I know all the resources my school made sure of that when I was there. They've just never been much help, I can't talk to therapist or anyone about it really. Only very few people and some act like it's a burden when I do so I just stopped

[Borginborg]

I know that feeling. I had many counsellors tell me not to talk to them about it and that I needed to see a specialist or blah blah blah.
that just hurts even more.
The worst is the pervs that say they are there to help (counsellors, doctors, shrinks) but all they seem to care about are the sick disgusting details wanting me to write it out like some disgusting sex story for their own perversions.
I finally found a place where I got to talk to someone that listened and did not want the details. I was finally, after 20 years able to bring some comfort to my inner self.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@kittycat119 whoa the school didn't help at all or report your parents?

[Borginborg]

@SovereignessofVamps sadly this happens a lot of times. To many kids cry wolf because their parents pissed them off, soon the school do nothing but give them resource lists and tell them to be on their way. yes they offer help through guidance counselors but who at that age wants to talk about it in the first place and secondly not to a guidance counsellor who your classmates also see (don't forget abuse takes trust away in other people especially if your parents allow it to keep happening. If your own parents don't care then why would anyone else) I know this thinking isn't true but that is what went through my head and one of the main reasons why I stayed quiet for so long

[SovereignessofVamps]

But what happens if you do talk to a guidance counselor?

[Borginborg]

@SovereignessofVamps stats say most teenage girls won't talk to a school guidance counsellor and what happens depends on school policy

[kittycat119]

I didn't tell anyone at school besides a boyfriend

[RachelBrigs]

I don't even know what to say. You've been through things no person and certainly no child should ever go through. I'm terribly sorry the universe has handed you that life but I hope you are happy now and recovered.

[Borginborg]

I think the universe knew what it was doing and I look at it as a tool I was given that works with my natural abilities and aptitudes.

[RachelBrigs]

That's a good way to look at it.

[Borginborg]

I believe in karma and I don't believe the universe makes mistakes. There must be a balance of good and bad and I was given the bad but also the strength to live through it. I went through my ordeals and found that the very things that tore me down were also positive tools if used properly. I will never be fully recovered from my childhood. There was lifelong damage done to me but I learnt to overcome and to be bigger and stronger than the things that try to destroy me.

[RachelBrigs]

That's wonderful 🙂

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for what happened to you but abusive mothers aren't rare. Mine beat me up to teach me not to cry and for failing to be the best: the second or third best wasn't good enough for her.
Only at 16 I got the suspicion she was cheating on my dad. When he died I found out how many lovers she had. When she died we discovered she had a studio where she met her BFs

[Borginborg]

Amazing how the secret lives of our parents can surprise us. Have you thought about how her lifestyle may have impacted her treatment of you?
And congratulations for surviving :)
**Propz**
If you ever need a sounding board or someone to rant to I'm here

[Opinion Owner]

What doesn't kill us makes us harder and stronger.

[Borginborg]

that saying is not actually true in any way shape of form but is a favorite for those of us that survived abuse.

[dragonfly6516]

My story is nowhere near as traumatic as your own, but I too am waiting for the day when I can server ties with my own "mother". I don't want to lose my father and sister, so I endure her cruelty.

[Borginborg]

It makes it hard if you must lose the ones you do love along with the ones you must sever ties with. I had to walk away from my siblings and it was one of the hardest thing in my life.

[Rissyanne]

As a mother of a son... I can't imagine treating my son like that. I would die for my son. I am sorry you had to go through this.

[phil2]

I feel that way too

[Borginborg]

Thank you but everything happens for a reason... if I can help but one then my reason has been fulfilled.

[Guy83]

Damn. Sorry to hear that story. Mothers can be crazy. I can't imagine what it's like to be a mother, but I've seen them act really strangely. I've seen kids hated because of things the father did. Your mother is a criminal.

[Borginborg]

My mother was who she was... a toxic person

[Unit1]

Why do you even contact people, who have hurt you plenty? I don't get it. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't establish contacts with people, who have hurt me.

[Borginborg]

It was part of my healing process. A way of showing her that despite what she did I still ended up with the strength to hold my head high and say 'thats enough' to basically throw it in her face that despite everything she did to break me into nothing I was still someone.

[Anonymous]

A Heart wrenchingly honest and courageous take to write. I hope you have found some peace and happiness in life after your childhood

And fellow abuse survivor!

[Borginborg]

My inner child has stopped crying years ago and has become the mischievous devil that all little boys should be :) although at times he gets triggered and wants to hide away.
Not just a survivor but a thriver!

[Opinion Owner]

Same here & all the best on your journey in life! ✌

[Borginborg]

same to you :)