What do I do when I feel like my boyfriend's family could be a deal breaker?

[laurami]

i love my boyfriend but I can't stand his family.

at first, one of the things that made me love and respect him was how much he valued his family, and that one of the things he doesn't tolerate is anyone talking poorly about them. I really loved this about him, and it made me feel like he had good character.

i wanted to be close with his family, so I've done everything I could to be close with his mom and sister and connect with his dad. I sent his sister a care package before I even met her, I've invited his mom out to get her nails done with me among other things.

his mom has insulted me for taking the last year of college off because I was offered a very high paying job and has not treated me very well. his sister is now friends with his ex (who has been an issue in our relationship) on fb after trashing her to me, and ignores anything I post on her wall that's sweet. his dad's reaction to my high paying job was "are you still going to get your degree?".

these are just some examples, but not ONCE has my boyfriend ever stood up for me to them, and when they "banished" me from coming over to his apartment during the weekdays he did nothing about it and stood up for them (he's 24). I can't even talk to him about the way I feel about them and how they treat me because he ALWAYS takes their side, no matter how wrong they are and gets SUPER defensive.

we've been together for almost a year, and I'm starting to resent him because it's one thing to love and stick up for your family, but it's another to not do anything when they're treating someone you "love" poorly.

what can I do?

[ThunderKathryn]

I would break it off. when you're looking for husband material, you're looking for someone who will 1) provide for you 2) treat you like your father treated your mother and 3) protect you. Say you have a kid with this man. is he the type of guy who will let his family get all up in your face while you have a child running around? or will he have some balls and stand up for his wife and kid? you want a man who respects people, but also has the balls to stick up for his wife. you don't want a man who's tail goes between his legs every time mommy picks up a wooden spoon. I'm going through something very similar, but not as drastic. My advice to you is to sit him down, tell him to listen with an open mind, tell him you need a man who will protect you, and then tell him EVERYTHING they have done to you. don't whine when you tell him, just tell him straight up facts and events. I would tell him that if nothing changes then you're gone. and I know that's WAY easier said then done.

[QueenBeatris]

he sounds like a mommas boy ,if he doesn't take up for you it could be he is afraid to speak out to them,maybe they put the fear of god into him as a child..He should defend you tho,how rude,i don't blame you for being upset,how does he allow anyone to banish fothers rom his own apartment..he needs to grow up

[Pedantic]

Hmm... 24. That is a bit old to still be attached to mom's apron strings.

Being able to get along with family is a pretty serious thing, especially if a relationship becomes one of the life long kind. You don't want it to break down 20 years from now on your third kid because of re-occurence of this problem take #9999999.

If you break up with him and he wants closure, just tell him you need a man you can feel secure with. One who will stand up for you, one who will protect you, one you can depend on. Let his sister choose his next girlfriend for him.

Don't put the degree off too long though. They are no fun to go back for...

[DrakeEdward]

That is a loaded question. If you can not talk to him about it perhaps suggest counselling, though I highly doubt he would be receptive to it. I can empathize with your distress as I am sure you are fighting a losing battle and perhaps you are. There are moments in a relationship where you must sum up all that it is and make the best possible decision on what you have available to base it on. When communication and compromise fail I see only one clear alternative...