Guy friend gone distant. Tactical strategies to save the friendship!

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Okay, so I've known this guy for about two years now and for a while we were becoming really close friends. Its common knowledge that I don't date and I always repeat that and some of my reasoning behind it to people who may end up liking me. Well, sure enough, he ended up admitting that he liked me. When this happened, I thanked him for his honesty, and that I didn't want it to get in the way of our growing friendship. I also told him to let me know if it felt like I was leading him on in any way so that we could talk about it and find some other solution.

At any rate, for the next few months we continued to enjoy this close friendship. He would lay with me and watch movies and we would talk, sometimes pass out. But then, out of the blue, he starts distancing himself from me bit by bit, no warning and no talking to me about it like I had told him to do. I gathered he was doing so because maybe he was falling for me and needed the space...but the sudden isolation hurt. I was so used to emotionally depending on him for support that the distance was devastating.

Nevertheless, I've been trying to get him to talk to me again over these past few months like he used to, trying to message him everyday and whatnot but I only get cursory feedback, no deep conversations or anything. I've tried breaking the touch barrier with little pokes and things but he doesn't seem to really respond much to it. I know he doesn't hug me and he seems afraid to be alone in the same room as me.

Does anyone have any advice on tactical warfare here? What else can I try. I don't want it to be too late. I want us to regain our close friendship and let it continue to grow. To be honest, I was hoping I could form one of those close intimate like friendships similarly emotional sating as having a lover, but without the whole sexual thing. Any ideas, people?

[parada007]

Understandably you want to save this friendship however at the same time - some of the things you used to do might have felt to him more than that. As much as you want to save the friendship it takes two. If he's being distant with you then pull back a little. I'm not saying not to stop trying to talk to him and everything but pull back a little.

You mentioned that you were used to "emotionally depending on him for support". Stop longing for that dependency because you'll be seen as needy. If this person means this much to you and you know them very well, then you'll be able to see the kind of signals they're putting out there for you to pick up on.

Some of the things you guys have done: laying with you to watch movies, talking, sleeping near each other, etc. --- these are intimate things yes but they sound more like things you do as a couple. From your point of view it's not sexual but what about his? You mentioned also that he admitted to liking you even if you told him that you don't date and your reasoning behind it. People (not just guys) tend to fall for what they can't have.

So in this for instance you've got going on here - he may be realizing that he's not going to get the same feelings he has for you reciprocated and he's pulling away intentionally in order to protect his heart (because obviously a guy will want to save himself from a girl he's close to but isn't his girlfriend and doesn't want to be his) from further hurt.

Again, my only other suggestion is to take it slow. If he doesn't want to be touched - don't touch him, if he doesn't hug you - don't hug him --- follow his lead and just keep things simple. If he wants to remain friends with you he will, again saving friendships should not be like going into war - after all what are you really fighting against? If you really care for this person, see it from their point of view.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Well, emotionally, I can reciprocate much of that need to be close and whatnot. Although he does have some attractive qualities, I just don't find him, for the most part, sexually attractive. And if I did, I still wouldn't want the friendship to become overly sexual. (groping and being silly is one thing, but kissing and whatnot is another) I'm willing to be his emotional support if he's willing to be mine without that super sexual stuff. Feelings aren't the shortcoming here.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

I just don't want to let go too much and have this turn into a regular, casual acquaintance-like friendship like I mostly have. I just feel like if I clear out any misunderstanding by explaining the situation to him and my views, maybe things will get better.

[parada007]

That's the thing - views. As much as you want to save this relationship - would it be purely because you want to keep him in your life or is it out of selfish gain? I also noticed in your previous response to the other person here on this site that you're reclusive - correct? If that is the case - take a deep breath in and out. Calm down, let other people in - no matter how you've hurt. There's more to life than this one guy.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Well I just think that he'll feel a lot better about the situation if I fully explain my views, how although I reject the idea of dating, I don't reject the types of emotions felt between couples although I don't quite see those emotions as 'true love' like so many people seem to claim. I do want him in my life, and since I've been told he still likes me, I would think he would want the same. I'm very nitpicky & can't imagine being close friends with anyone else. Trying to make new friends though

[parada007]

Again, take it slow. Making new friends is a good step - and take your time. Something I've noticed is that it's about this person and what you think would help the relationship. In addition, I've noticed you bring up dating and relationships a lot. If it's really a friendship you're wanting to save, I hope you don't mind me asking but why do you bring those things up a lot? When people ruminate - it's not always a good thing. Instead it brings you back to square one.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Its probably because it isn't a typical friendship and that confuses people, leading me to have to explain time and again. Sadly, that leaves me no choice but to repeat myself and try to put it in terms others will understand. Either way, there's gunna be questions. Its merely the decision of, would I prefer to answer several questions or a plethora of questions. lol

[parada007]

Friendships like that are totally difficult to find and it's amazing you found that. Again, take it slow. In situations like this intensity can be more of a hindrance. It's great you're passionate about whatever friendships you have however if you become to dependent on someone or anything then you lose power and control over yourself. Like I've said and someone else - take it slow, you can't control a situation just by will alone. Breathe. If he's a real friend he will be there but give it time

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Righteo. Patience is everything, I suppose. And well, so is honesty. I actually told the guy that I missed being close to him and just plain missed him in general. He seemed to take it well though. I'm fairly certain he was under the impression that I didn't want him near me, so I wanted to clear that up at least. No crazy heavy convo as of yet.

[parada007]

Patience is key and it's good you were honest with him and no bad feelings seem to be going around. Just stay cool and calm and be pro-active on the friends thing. Again don't rush things. Hope any of the advice given to you has helped.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

You're a life saver. =^-^=

[Newport100]

Unfortunatly you have chosen a really tough path in life, seems you are going to run into the same problem over and over. I really hope you find a way to solve this.

Unfortunatly you cannot control what other people feel, if he wants to go away you'll never stop him. As far as he is concerned you appear as a waste of time. Not to many people want to get that close without some kind of physical intamacy. Massaging doesn't cut it if he has strong emotions for you.

If he somehow found a girlfreind you'll never get that close with him, if he doesn't have a girlfreind he is going to want you to be his girlfreind. Lose lose situation.

My only advise is don't get that close with a guy anymore. Keep it freindly yes, flirting is ok too. No touching! IntamateTouching will only arouse passions that you are not willing to accept.

Keep it freindly from now on, kissing on the cheek, handshakes and quick hugs. Sleeping in the same bed has to go, spooning has to go also. Or you'll just have to live with the fact the guys are always going to want more than you are willing to give and you'll have to drop them out of your life or they will drop you out of thier life.

Pretty sad situation, you are going to have to learn how to stay within certain limits and not pass them from now on or you'll just keep running into the same problem over and over again.

good luck. I think you lost the guy for now, maybe he will come around after a very long break from you.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

I think this is why I hate men, right here. You all are blind to possibility. Maybe I'll go lesbian.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Cause if guys would stop thinking with their dicks, maybe less girls would go lesbian. Honestly, you can get off yourself. You don't need girls for that shit, so sleeping in the same bed shouldn't be a problem. I have plenty of regular friendships, I said I needed a close friendship. Its been done before successfully and I was asking for advice to save THAT type of friendship that we had. Not another superficial one.

[Newport100]

Interesting, you asked a question on this website. you are supposed to be open to all opinions and consider all angles. I was open and honest with my answer to you. Unfortunatly you didn't appreciate it. I am actually a very open minded person and consider all possibilities, but this was my reaction to your story and usually I am pretty spot on. Sorry if this wasnt the response you were looking for but you asked and I gave you the courtesy of answering. Good luck in your endeavors.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

I do appreciate the time you took to answer my question. The basis of the question, however, was how to get that close friendship back. I need to keep up hope or I'll probably end up with a nervous breakdown or something. I'm a recluse, I don't really go outside, & I'm not close to anyone. As long as I still have hope, maybe I won't let myself deteriorate further from the people I care about. Your views are similar to most others when regarding this, so you can imagine my exasperation.

[Newport100]

Now I understand you a little bit better. I am wondering if this fellow that is your friend is somehow your "connection with the outside world". Now you are giving me the impression that not only do you want his friendship back but you have become addicted to him. This isn't good, it is never good to become dependant on another because the "other" will always let you down. You really need to become independant. Forget about him, you come first.

[Marshmellow_Bunny]

Friends are supposed to be there for you to depend on them, aren't they? Its the whole point, otherwise its a superficial friendship that you can easily get over and live without. Plus, when I do something, I do it with an unrivaled fervor and a sort of obsession. I'm intense when it comes to something I'm dedicated to. Its not a common personality trait. Most people are more casual and go with the flow, socially and in their day to day lives. I'm just not your average joe nor do I want to be.

[Newport100]

Ever hear the expression "who needs enemies when you have friends" or the one concerning money "never lend out more than you are willing to lose". Friends can be horrible to you yet we always forgive them. Family can be just as bad or good, but we choose the friends.

I think a good practise for you is to maybe focus on making lighter freindships. You need to depend on yourself, be your own best friend. Friends are for fun. I have to stress, freinds can let you down when you NEED them.