Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

It seems like more and more lately I've noticed or heard from my guy friends and my own personal experience is that even if they really like a girl, they'll wait for her to initiate or make a move. I understand girls can ask out guys as well, but I just think more men should stop being scared and go out for what they want. Granted, I do ask out guys occasionally, but most the time I just wait for them. Unfortunately, the type of guys that usually ask myself or my friends out seem to be the over confident or cocky assholes. Men, are you really that afraid of rejection that you can't ask out the girl you like?

Updates:
Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate? OR assume they just want sex from them? That's what I've heard anyway.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm speaking from personal experience and from friends I have, that girls like it when guys ask them out. It seems to indicate that the guy in question is confident not to mention that the girl gets a sort of medevil kick out of being the one asked. I'm not saying that girls shouldn't ask guys out, just that if they guy likes the girl or vise versa that the one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask. Having guys not ask simply because they are afraid of what the girl might say is silly and waiting for the girl to ask you out is not a solution, the girl might be totally oblivious to the way you feel and be trying to not let on her feelings about you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. Besides, girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to. Girls tend to expect the guy to be the first one to make a move. Guys, don't be so frightened of what we'll say =) we may surprise you xx

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    • So what you're saying is girls don't "like" guys and thats's why they never ask guys out?

      You have some half baked statements that work both ways but you only focus on the one way that suits you in a true lazy feminist manner:

      "one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask."

      "Waiting for the guy to ask you out is not a solution"

      "girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to"

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    • it depends on how the girl rejects the guy that makes guys tired of having to make the first move

    • While the stupid concept of Feminism keeps surfacing, guys are not likely to do their natural thing - the thing they were born to do.

      Also, as someone else has mentioned, the Fems have now got everyone worried about charges of 'sexual harrassment"! ... meaning, that if the girl doesn't like them, they could claim harassment!

      Such is the legal nonsense left or instigated via feminism!

      If YOU want nature ... if you want Fun, you have to get rid of the feministic nonsense in society today!

What Guys Said 114

  • Why would we go out for something we can't have? :P Fighting in a battle you have lost seems to be an illogical and stupid idea. Why ask if you already know she'd say no.

    Apparently guys either wait like girls used to wait or they just admire from afar and don't really want to confront about this matter at all. Why? Easy, girls should especially know this, as girls do the exact same thing.

    Girls stare at that "marvellously charming" guy who doesn't even realize that she's staring at him, and wait day by day that eventually he would notice and reciprocate her feelings, ask her out, and make her be happy. That's how it goes for girls... And that's really similar to how it goes for guys - we are all human, we're not all that different. Guys just sit there, knowing that the girl has no idea how much he admires her, and just wait until there's no hope left anymore.

    So why is this beneficial, considering he gets nothing? Easy, he doesn't lose anything. If you establish contact with a girl, you talk a lot through MSN and become "great friends", and develop feelings for her... then she tells you "I actually just see you as a friend, but now that you have told me, I'll just avoid you so you'll also forget about your feelings. I don't really care how much it hurts, because it's your problem, not mine." And you even lose her friendship, because girls cannot handle the "after-rejection" well, either. The relation between them is "just not the same". The girl avoids you, hides from you, hates you and wants you to go far, far away and never see her again, despite how she used to lie that you are a great friend of her. Yes, a disposable one.

    LONG STORY SHORT: Guys can be intimidated because being told "no" is a negative feedback saying "you are not worthy enough to get together with me", and despite how it's just a two-letter word, it stays with you for years, and it consumes every bit of your self-esteem. Also, girls start to avoid you after rejecting you, even if they considered you a friend, hence why it's not worth "just telling them how you feel", as they cannot handle the truth.

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    • Don't you think that any guy who wants to ask you is just desperate and wants to have sex?

      Obviously this goes two-ways.

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    • Hmm true. Maybe it IS the type of guys I go for. I tend to go for the charming good looking type of guys to date or any of that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.

    • Though, there isn't really a "type" to put people in. No one is the same as the other.. Some charming good looking guy might actually be nice. You can't tell... But the most silent guy hiding in the corner could also be a nice person once you get to know him. But it could be the exact opposite. You can't know for sure.

  • I think it ultimately boils down to issues with the guys self-confidence. Many people(men and women) seem to take rejection as an evaluation of their self-worth, like the person rejecting them is saying "you are not good enough, you don't deserve to have a loving relationship " when they are really just trying to say,"you are not the right person for me." A confident person does not let this rejection shake the image they have of themselves, because they know they are good enough and deserve a loving relationship, even if it doesn't work out with a particular partner. I have to say that the media, including hollywood romantic comedies, and music about love do many men these days a great disservice by providing TERRIBLE male role-models to emulate. A perfect example is that silly Blue October song, "Calling you," where the guy sings about calling his girl incessantly to see if she's asleep, dreaming, dreaming of him, asking if she loves him...YUCK! I call that song the guide to becoming a f*ing stalker, haha. Fact is, the vast majority of women are attracted to men, not little boys or guys who act like women. A man is comfortable with himself, is comfortable with any outcome of his situation with a woman, is a leader, is decisive, carries himself with confident body language, makes good eye contact, takes care of his needs first, etc. I would agree that a girl asking a guy out is unconventional, but not taboo. Some men may find this type of aggressive behavior from a woman highly appealing, while others like maintaining a dominant role in the relationship dynamic. IMO, its the guy's role to take the lead and pursue the girl he desires.

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  • Hey love_life,

    Unless you are one of these over-confident or cocky guys, then it can be quite difficult for a guy to ask a girl out due to personal insecurities, fear of rejection, etc. Of course there is nothing to be scared of in reality, if you say no so what? Move on with life, etc.

    But, of course, this isn't how guys think. They think, "I'm single. I've been single for a while. I like that girl but I can't tell if she likes me so I'm not going to blow it by asking her out when I don't know and then she'll probably say no and then I'll be single and feel worse about myself..."

    As such, this type of guy will instead look for "signals" that the girl is interested in him. Even if he gets these signals, however, he still may not actually ask her out after all -> having psyched himself out in the meantime.

    For this reason, I recommend girls ask guys out if they want to go out and not wait for him because he might... not.

    Best

    - Evan

    Women: What You Can Do If He Doesn’t Call -> link

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  • Well lets boil it down past the sexes issue. People are generally afraid of rejection, plain and simple. Who really likes to get their ego smashed to pieces, and regularly if they're trying all the time? It will be very detrimental to your self-esteem, and probably start causing other mental issues.

    I personally hate it with a passion. That's why I don't ask certain girls out, because of this rejection factor. I do ask girls out, and I usually do get rejected, but by that time, I've already mentally prepared myself to accept that there's nothing going to happen between us; i.e. ready to accept to be in the friend zone. But I will not go up to a girl I don't know, and ask her out. The chances of rejection are so high, and at these times, you can never mentally prepare for this, because like an anonymous poster wrote, there are so many ways a girl can turn a guy down these days.

    Now I think it was easier back in the hey day, because their was inequality (I'm not pro in-equality, but here this out), and we had roles we all played. Guys would ask girls out, and that was that. A girl could accept or deny. But given that the gender roles are nowadays ever changing, anything can happen, and in different method. I've always thought that back in the hey day, that if a girl was going to reject your advances, although they'd be flattering, she would do it gracefully, and the gentleman (I'm assuming) would also accept the rejection gratefully.

    But these days, some girls are given so much power in this dynamic, that they can flame you till your chargrilled, and would reject you not so gracefully. Actually some make it a public spectacle. A girl will speak her mind (which I'm all for), but sometimes, when she does speak her mind, it comes out more hurtful, than being a nice person; some want to take you to task, for even contemplating asking them out.

    Also, it's been stated below, that some would see you as a creep. No longer is it flattering if a guy were to ask you out, and you'd reject him. Now, it seems that you're a creep for even thinking about it. Imagined if you asked around work / school / uni, about her - the creep factor has multiplied exponentially. Tell me that this isn't a smash to someone's confidence, and self-esteem. I don't think I've seen a guy reject a girl humiliatingly before (but that's probably because the girl isn't asking the guy out in the first place...haha)

    Although some things have changed since equality has been raised as an issue, that doesn't mean everything has progressed in the same fashion - if we were equal, guys and girls would be asking each other out.

    And you're right, guys should man up, and just ask girls out. But there will always be the fear factor which will hold them back, and sometimes, the risks don't justify the benefits.

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    • Truthfully thought I've realize that only assholes these days seem to ask out girls.

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    • "man up"? No wonder so many guys are turned off. Keep up the alienating language till none of them want anything to do to us.

    • "Man up" - and risk prison, a term on the Sex Offenders Register etc?

  • afraid of failure

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    • Comprehensible. What if I told you that you can't be perfect anyway? Once you've reached a certain point you're focusing on the next goal. How can you ever be perfect? My motto is: “I'm perfect in my imperfections!” Take it or leave it. Perhaps it's time to embrace your charismatic, non-perfect side. With more self acceptance grows the acceptance of others. You attract what you feel, not what you think or wish for.

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What Girls Said 25

  • i get what your saying but I also feel the guys, rejection is a big thing & no one likes that, girls sometimes forget to make those little signals that give him the green light, if not they have no idea if your in a relationship or think they're ugly...so a nice smile his way or a look that lasts a bit long can give the guy the push he needs...but granted I know plenty of times I say to myself (damn it just come over & talk to me) but the guy won't & funny story was with someone I saw every time on my way to work via the train...did the whole staring thing & then I had enough so I grew some & plain & simple said "hey you got a girl?...he said no...so I said you got a number? & he gave it to me" hahahaha I was really nervous & was like shhh what if he thinks I'm crazy or if I get rejected...guys go through that every time...but yeah a lot of time if the guy had a better approach then ppssttt hey you...or the whistle then it would work better. hahahha

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    • I like your style. You took control. I had a girl stare at me, follow me and one day I did what you did (I offered my number) and I got REJECTED! Never been more confused in my life over that one. It taught me women are unpredictable and change their minds quickly.

  • It's why the jerks get the girls. "Nice" guys like to feel sorry for themselves by saying it's because they are nice that they don't get girls when in reality, it's because they aren't assertive. Early bird gets the worm! I agree that any guy that likes you, jerk or nice, should be able to tell you. What's the worse that can happen? You say no. There are 3 billion other fish in the sea, life moves on. Despite any advances in gender role expectations, we do still live in a patriarchal society and men are still (and will always be) the dominant sex due to their strength and size, therefore I think society will always feel a need (and women biologically) to expect a man to assert himself since he holds more societal power. However, there will always be guys who are introverted, shy, passive, etc, and sadly they allow a good girl to pass them by because they can't bring themselves to just ask and by the time they finally get around to it, she's with someone else. My words of encouragement are for men of all types to just go for it. Women should feel that freedom too.

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    • Hmmm ... Easy to say if you have that mindset or if you approach a girl with that mindset. But what about when the Girl does not like the guy who approaches or does not find them aesthetically pleasing, or god forbid, repulsive? Does this hinder your way of thinking and cause you to act differently? I bet most women who say men should just go for it or bang on about how they they would treat a man with respect if they had to reject them would turn ultra venemous if the latter approached them.

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    • Amazing how a 19 year old is already more mature than a 31 year old.

    • "I've noticed you're full of responses, but haven't got the courage to respond."

      That doesn't make sense. If they haven't got the courage to respond, then how do you know they are full of responses? o_O

  • Wow...some really great answers here but I'll throw this out there too.

    Is it possible that in today's society we don't put as much value on kindness as we did in years past? I mean just good old ordinary "giving others the benefit of the doubt"?

    I'd be curious to know what the guys have experienced...just HOW they've been rejected? (How rude or thoughtless can women be?)

    I read an article recently about how guys often times get a bad wrap. I had to agree. MANY guys are decent. Many are willing to work and be committed to the wife and family. It's the few cocky, player types that spoil the image. Guys DO have feelings. They do need hugs, encouragement, etc but being men they can't be as open with their feelings as women, particularly in public. Guys will open up with a woman they feel safe with. As women, we must be careful not to betray that trust. I digress...

    Bad experiences with one individual are easily transferred to the whole. For example, one truck driver on drugs kills a family on the highway and everyone "hates" truckers. A person of a certain ethnicity commits a crime and we think everyone of that decent is a criminal.

    We must be careful with these types of judgments and with stereotypes. If we let them determine our behavior we'll certainly be giving off some hateful vibes to undeserving recipients.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that if women behaved more as ladies and were honest but kind and appreciative when responding to a request for a date, perhaps more guys would be willing to take the risks associated with such initiations.

    ALL guys are NOT after sex. ALL guys aren't either jerks or wimps. AND to be fair, ALL women aren't hateful, Gold Diggers. LOL

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    • What I've experienced? I've had 3 relationships, I was perfectly confident til we started going out, and because I'm not used to us being more than friends I don't have all the confidence I started out with cus I really like this girl, and all 3 broke up with me within 2 weeks. What hope do I have that I or the girl will be any different the fourth time?

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    • I have asked 3 women out before and all 3 ended in embarassment. The last time I asked a girl out I found out she had a boyfriend afterward and him and two other guys beat me up for it. Its been 3 years since I asked any women out. Does that mean I haven't found any women I would want to ask out no. I just don't feel comfortable putting myself in a position like that.

    • I think part of the problem is that so many girls like the cocky jerks, so when the rest of us see this we just back off because the loud mouth jerks are the one who they seem to like, not the rest of us! I used to get upset over this but in time I learned my place. There is actually a great feeling of freedom once we just give up and pretty much ignore chicks

  • I kinda have this problem. There are actually quite a few guys that do make the moves on me, but unfortunately I'm just not interested in them. There is one guy that I'm actually interested in, but he doesn't seem to be into me. I want to ask him out, but I'm scared of rejection too. I understand what you mean guys. There are so many things that go through my mind...

    1. What if I'm not pretty enough?

    2. What if he doesn't like girls to make the first move?

    3. What if I'm not his type?

    4. If he was interested, he would have at least come over and talk to me... :(

    Ugh... annoying.

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    • I had a girl chase me and one day I tried talking to her only to get rejected. Left me confused, hurt and not trusting girls much anymore.

    • I can definitely see how that is confusing. I don't even know why girls do that. But you probably dodged a bullet with that girl. She's probably bipolar. lol

  • i know eh! Just ask a girl out- text her as much as you want--- we like the attention. Just ask us. The worst thing is you get a no, the best...who knows

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    • If only!!!!!! If a guy was guaranteed to get a sipmle no, sorry I'm not interested, then the female population would be hit on 1000 times more. The reality is you are more likely to get a "Fuck off! As If you would ever get a girl like me you ugly f*** bag. Get out of my space and never come near me again Don't even look my way"

      The above is not through personal experience you understand but I'm a people watcher and I see this all the time. Why would any guy want to go through that? Shit...

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    • That's not always true. There is a guy that likes me. He is constantly text me and responding to ALL of my posts on Facebook. I have already told him that I'm interested in someone else, but he just doesn't get it. So guys, yes try it! (because we do like the attention), but if she tells you that she's not interested, no worries... on to the next!

    • OMG I would laugh my balls off if a girl said that to me. Seriously, that would be cool! She would be one interesting pyscho bitch, but in no way would that hurt my ego.

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