Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

It seems like more and more lately I've noticed or heard from my guy friends and my own personal experience is that even if they really like a girl, they'll wait for her to initiate or make a move. I understand girls can ask out guys as well, but I just think more men should stop being scared and go out for what they want. Granted, I do ask out guys occasionally, but most the time I just wait for them. Unfortunately, the type of guys that usually ask myself or my friends out seem to be the over confident or cocky assholes. Men, are you really that afraid of rejection that you can't ask out the girl you like?

Updates:
Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate? OR assume they just want sex from them? That's what I've heard anyway.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm speaking from personal experience and from friends I have, that girls like it when guys ask them out. It seems to indicate that the guy in question is confident not to mention that the girl gets a sort of medevil kick out of being the one asked. I'm not saying that girls shouldn't ask guys out, just that if they guy likes the girl or vise versa that the one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask. Having guys not ask simply because they are afraid of what the girl might say is silly and waiting for the girl to ask you out is not a solution, the girl might be totally oblivious to the way you feel and be trying to not let on her feelings about you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. Besides, girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to. Girls tend to expect the guy to be the first one to make a move. Guys, don't be so frightened of what we'll say =) we may surprise you xx

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    • So what you're saying is girls don't "like" guys and thats's why they never ask guys out?

      You have some half baked statements that work both ways but you only focus on the one way that suits you in a true lazy feminist manner:

      "one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask."

      "Waiting for the guy to ask you out is not a solution"

      "girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to"

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    • it depends on how the girl rejects the guy that makes guys tired of having to make the first move

    • While the stupid concept of Feminism keeps surfacing, guys are not likely to do their natural thing - the thing they were born to do.

      Also, as someone else has mentioned, the Fems have now got everyone worried about charges of 'sexual harrassment"! ... meaning, that if the girl doesn't like them, they could claim harassment!

      Such is the legal nonsense left or instigated via feminism!

      If YOU want nature ... if you want Fun, you have to get rid of the feministic nonsense in society today!

What Guys Said 114

  • I would agree with most of the stuff that the guys said below. Being rejected by somebody you actually like is not exactly fun, or even something that just doesn't phase you. But part of it is also that girls throw around terms like "creep" and "stalker" WAY too much. Imagine if you approached a guy and he arbitrarily decided you weren't attractive and then told you "Go away whore.", and laughed in your face. That's basically what guys get if they're unfortunate enough to approach the wrong girl. If there were some social repercussion for women who are excessively cruel in their rejections then maybe it would get easier to approach women in general. But until then, you'll just have to understand that it is difficult to put yourself out there like that, and it can prove quite painful. It's essentially the same reason most girls don't want to approach a guy.

    Oh, and it doesn't help that after college the most common place to meet someone is at work. Yet, if you so much as look at a woman at work in a way she decides she doesn't like, you can be fired for sexual harassment because they will basically just take her word for it.

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    • O trust me, I understand the whole rejection thing completely, I've been there done that. It totally sucks, but I've also asked out guys and they've said yes as well. See the thing I don't get is, guys, if you really like a girl ask her out. I mean why waste time wondering what could be? Just be a man and let her know you're interested. Worse off, she says no. Best case scenario, she says yes.

    • I generally agree. It's really about how you're weighing the risk of rejection vs the reward of acceptance. If for some reason you think you're much more likely to be rejected, then the risk might be too high to be worth the effort. If you want a guy to approach you, smile at him, and maybe even wave. That makes it much easier, because a gesture like that signals a lower risk of rejection.

    • You got this right on. Today it dosen't take much as a guy and we get slapped with the harassment or creepy stalker business.

  • Why are so many women so harsh and cruel with rejections. Why do so many women these days play men like yo yos and tear their hearts out and stomp on them and try to essentially collect possies of guys they string along. Women these days seem to consider a guy showing interest a sign of weakness on their part and despite what the movies may girls these days may find romance entertaining but sexually repulsive. So it really is best to not chase a girl anymore, best to let them come to me

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    • Wow...that is some real talk. I had to thumb-up this comment.

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    • Dude, right on. I've actually started to feel better since I wrote off chicks. Maybe some years down the road I'll feel differently but for now...what did Carly Simon Say? "I haven't got time for the pain"!

    • thats true. I'm not gonn lie.. I've done that and so have all of my friends. it just happens sometimes and you don't even realize you're being rude till after. don't take it personally because we actually feel bad after.

  • There has been a fundamental shift in terms of approaching and the like, and I believe men have become emasculated by feminism and the mass media to the extent where rejection can prove most crippling and humiliating, causing near irreparable damage to one's psyche. There has been a superhuman amount of garbage being pumped by the media chum-bucket as regards conforming to a certain standard (this goes both ways) but the problem, I believe, is that females can be arbitrarily cruel given that they are more often than not the ones pursued and hence wield more power to that end. Given this disparity it follows that men are more hesitant/reticent in approaching and, ergo, face a higher percentage of rejection.

    Nevertheless, it would be puerile to resort to tit-for-tat, but some common decency would not be remiss; quite simply, if you're not interested in a person on an aesthetic/attraction/dating level it isn't too much to not dehumanise them. Also, rejection can be considered a good thing- for my part it used to paralyse me and make me depressed; however, it now spurs me on to constantly improve myself where the only validation I need is that coming from within and not from anybody else; so if a girl's interested, great; if not, it doesn't bother me as I still have accomplishments instead of wallowing in self-pity. Life is, after all, too short for the luxury of feeling sorry for one-self.

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    • Although you use a lot of big words which are certain to confuse more than a few people here you are 100% on.

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    • > (In general, education has gone downhill with the advance of technology.)

      It's funny that you say that in the context of using big words, I learned most of my English on the internet, and I suspect that without the advance of technology you demonize I wouldn't have been able to understand what you were saying in the first place.

      I think your 'advance of technology -> worse education' stance is ridiculous and not based on any facts. Just look like stuff like literacy over the centuries.

    • Education was dictated by accessibility to information/knowledge-granted; however I believe there has been a cultural shift whereby with so much access to information people chose to remain ignorant and manipulated by the garbage coming from the media and the internet; people have become increasingly lazy and reliant upon technology to solve their problems instead of picking up a book; instead of literature and philosophy people will blindly read/ingest the s*** from the internet/media.

  • Hahahahaa! Darling PLEASE! Do not confuse fear with respect...

    Your GreatGranmother,Grandmother and Mother fought long and

    hard to get You equal rights,Now You have them,and we respect them :)

    also please consider the changes that have happened in the legal system

    due to this,i.e. literature of law's.

    for example, a male can be charged with stalking,a female cannot...

    a male can be charged with domestic violence,a female cannot...

    and the list goes on and on including almost all law's written since

    1978.

    So sorrowed to inform You," the ball is in Your court and it is Your

    turn to serve!"

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  • Well lets boil it down past the sexes issue. People are generally afraid of rejection, plain and simple. Who really likes to get their ego smashed to pieces, and regularly if they're trying all the time? It will be very detrimental to your self-esteem, and probably start causing other mental issues.

    I personally hate it with a passion. That's why I don't ask certain girls out, because of this rejection factor. I do ask girls out, and I usually do get rejected, but by that time, I've already mentally prepared myself to accept that there's nothing going to happen between us; i.e. ready to accept to be in the friend zone. But I will not go up to a girl I don't know, and ask her out. The chances of rejection are so high, and at these times, you can never mentally prepare for this, because like an anonymous poster wrote, there are so many ways a girl can turn a guy down these days.

    Now I think it was easier back in the hey day, because their was inequality (I'm not pro in-equality, but here this out), and we had roles we all played. Guys would ask girls out, and that was that. A girl could accept or deny. But given that the gender roles are nowadays ever changing, anything can happen, and in different method. I've always thought that back in the hey day, that if a girl was going to reject your advances, although they'd be flattering, she would do it gracefully, and the gentleman (I'm assuming) would also accept the rejection gratefully.

    But these days, some girls are given so much power in this dynamic, that they can flame you till your chargrilled, and would reject you not so gracefully. Actually some make it a public spectacle. A girl will speak her mind (which I'm all for), but sometimes, when she does speak her mind, it comes out more hurtful, than being a nice person; some want to take you to task, for even contemplating asking them out.

    Also, it's been stated below, that some would see you as a creep. No longer is it flattering if a guy were to ask you out, and you'd reject him. Now, it seems that you're a creep for even thinking about it. Imagined if you asked around work / school / uni, about her - the creep factor has multiplied exponentially. Tell me that this isn't a smash to someone's confidence, and self-esteem. I don't think I've seen a guy reject a girl humiliatingly before (but that's probably because the girl isn't asking the guy out in the first place...haha)

    Although some things have changed since equality has been raised as an issue, that doesn't mean everything has progressed in the same fashion - if we were equal, guys and girls would be asking each other out.

    And you're right, guys should man up, and just ask girls out. But there will always be the fear factor which will hold them back, and sometimes, the risks don't justify the benefits.

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    • Truthfully thought I've realize that only assholes these days seem to ask out girls.

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    • "man up"? No wonder so many guys are turned off. Keep up the alienating language till none of them want anything to do to us.

    • "Man up" - and risk prison, a term on the Sex Offenders Register etc?

  • Well you want to put yourself in my situation and try and ask a woman out? Try waking up in the morning and 'growing some balls and approach women', when your depressed and have panic attacks around people. Good luck with that...

    Ive had nothing but rejection as experiences in my life - that's it, not one success. The only times I've ever gone out with a woman, was either it was a blind date, a pity date or the woman actually asked me out. So I figure if anyone would want to go out with me, they'll ask. If not, I'm not even going to go there, because from my experience it creeps people out, I find out they are already taken and distance themselves from me, or it offends them.

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  • Sometimes is because of money. If you a have a car, money to go out and your own private place to bring her back, then nothing is stopping you; but many guys these days don't have a car, or maybe they live with parents or they just don't have enough money to go out on a regular basis, so they get afraid girls will get dissapointed.

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    • amen some guys just don't think they have a shot. I hate living with my mom I can't do a thing

    • exactly, unless youve got all your sh*t together your not even worth the time of day to most women, so why bother until you do. by then tho your pretty happy alone and just don't see what a woman could really bring to the table other than sex.

  • Why would we go out for something we can't have? :P Fighting in a battle you have lost seems to be an illogical and stupid idea. Why ask if you already know she'd say no.

    Apparently guys either wait like girls used to wait or they just admire from afar and don't really want to confront about this matter at all. Why? Easy, girls should especially know this, as girls do the exact same thing.

    Girls stare at that "marvellously charming" guy who doesn't even realize that she's staring at him, and wait day by day that eventually he would notice and reciprocate her feelings, ask her out, and make her be happy. That's how it goes for girls... And that's really similar to how it goes for guys - we are all human, we're not all that different. Guys just sit there, knowing that the girl has no idea how much he admires her, and just wait until there's no hope left anymore.

    So why is this beneficial, considering he gets nothing? Easy, he doesn't lose anything. If you establish contact with a girl, you talk a lot through MSN and become "great friends", and develop feelings for her... then she tells you "I actually just see you as a friend, but now that you have told me, I'll just avoid you so you'll also forget about your feelings. I don't really care how much it hurts, because it's your problem, not mine." And you even lose her friendship, because girls cannot handle the "after-rejection" well, either. The relation between them is "just not the same". The girl avoids you, hides from you, hates you and wants you to go far, far away and never see her again, despite how she used to lie that you are a great friend of her. Yes, a disposable one.

    LONG STORY SHORT: Guys can be intimidated because being told "no" is a negative feedback saying "you are not worthy enough to get together with me", and despite how it's just a two-letter word, it stays with you for years, and it consumes every bit of your self-esteem. Also, girls start to avoid you after rejecting you, even if they considered you a friend, hence why it's not worth "just telling them how you feel", as they cannot handle the truth.

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    • Don't you think that any guy who wants to ask you is just desperate and wants to have sex?

      Obviously this goes two-ways.

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    • Hmm true. Maybe it IS the type of guys I go for. I tend to go for the charming good looking type of guys to date or any of that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.

    • Though, there isn't really a "type" to put people in. No one is the same as the other.. Some charming good looking guy might actually be nice. You can't tell... But the most silent guy hiding in the corner could also be a nice person once you get to know him. But it could be the exact opposite. You can't know for sure.

  • Perhaps a lot of guys have been burned before, or something under the surface is causing them to be apprehensive? I know that a large portion of guys don't know how to talk to girls. Regarding the bad experiences, girls that act mean might not represent the majority, but they are enough to paint an image in a guy's head so that it makes him reluctant in the future. The situation I noticed a lot back in high school specifically was when a guy was encouraged to make his interest known, only to be labeled as a 'creep'.

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  • Im going to go with what jacksparrow55 said on this. The person being approached already knows that genuine interest is there. They can confidently act the way they wish to. But the asker has to try hard to interpret their feeling, and tread lightly as to not make a wrong move.

    It's often not worth it to go after a girl. They screw around too much and make you feel like an idiot for thinking they might be interested, but then again they might be, and are just making jokes. If I'm at a bar, and I'm already having a good time, Its not worth my time to just spend 20 min being tested or toyed with.

    When a girl asks a guy, they can at least know that he will be serious, unless he is a complete jerk and had no intention of hooking up in the first place, and in that case, you just walk away.

    Note that not every girls will do this, but once it happens, you just lose motivation to try.

    Gender rolls suck. they just need to go away. from the looks of it, both girls and guys arnt happy with them.

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  • Duh, rejection much?

    Why are women afraid to make a move? It isn't 1414 AD any more.

    The answer? Rejection. WHat if I get rejected?

    How are men supposed to be better prepared for rejection than a woman? That's sexist. You may think "I never wrote that," but it's the or an underlying facet of society. Women are, since birth, fashioned to be strong, but not too strong, fair, but not too fair, nice, but not too nice, etc. While men are fashioned to be rugged, and more rugged; stoic and more stoic. Certainty, they can handle a little "no". Well men are raised, a lot of them, to withstand a punch, or an ego kick from a male; but it's different coming from a female. Hearing "no" is still hurtful. WHy put myself out on a line that may not be sturdy enough to hold the weight of my drooping shoulders? It takes some form of confidence to ask a girl out. So of course you'll get the overly cocky ones asking. They have confidence. Duh. ANy ways, let's use a stereotype here, women are intuitive and have a sixth sense. USe it, you know a guy likes you; ask him out if you like him; but don't waste his time.

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    • I guess I can make sense with the whole rejection thing. We're humans we don't wanna get hurt and it sucks to be hurt. I don't even think asking someone out anymore is enough. Because people can tell you they want to be with you and love you, and the next minute they change they're mind and say that they never loved me... :/

  • I don't know if I answered this or not I don't really feel like looking throw 100 answers. But to me I don't ask women, I have gotten a girl to aks me out before (although it turned out pretty bad) I gave her a chance which is more than I can say about any women I have ever asked out. I know girls don't want to ask guys out because there scared but guys get scared as well, and if you have had bad experiances before just telling someone oh well or just get over it isn't going to work.

    Also in my experiance I have come to realize the fantasys of girls wanting the nice sweet quiet guys is fading and fading fast. Those type of guys for the most part don't make moves I will give you that but the constant obsession with excitment that people want to live life on the edge and live for the moment really doesn't do the nice, sweet, quiet guys any favors. It appears in a fairly short amount of time most guys will become one dimensional in the fact they all must live up to what is hype and they always must be exciting instead of being themselvs. Its really just processing a line of zombies who who listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, talk the same, and eventualy thing the same.

    Not to mention 2011 men have more pressure then any men before them to be in shape, to look good, to have proper grooming. Everywhere we look in this day in age men now are shown on tv, adds anything as having to be big muscular and attractive. Yes women have had to deal with this for a long time but this is new to the male species and we are adJusting to it and apart of this adjustment is having to hear criticism about the way we look as well now. And a lot of guys can't take that. I myself since joining this site have been told my eyebrows are to bushy, my shoulders are to hunched, I been called a slob because I have a picture with stubble, I been called fat because my face is slightly rounded towards the bottom and I been criticised about how light my skin is. These are all things men for thousands of years never had to worry about now we do and now we have developed into more protective creatures who don't want to be judged or criticised negitivly.

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  • Wow...all this sexism in just a few sentences. Its not about men being afraid of rejection, if you're out and attractive...they likely assume you already have a man and have enough respect commonly to not step on other peoples toes. No men don't have to be the only person that asks someone out...you are a grown up now, and this isn't the fifties where you have to sit by the phone and wait for some suitor to come a-calling. You are supposed to try to pretend to be strong and independant for yourself...do attempt to learn to be. You are better than assuming someone should come up to you...thats...almost arrogant. "Im sitting over HERE. Yeah I like him, but IM NOT getting up...if HE wants to talk he should come to ME!" I mean...it sounds selfish arrogant, cocky, and even childish...youre better than that. The next time YOU see a man YOU like...dont wait for him to come to you, don't wait for some other girl to chat him up, just stand your own butt up and go offer to buy him a beer. Every guy likes a girl who is assertive and aggressive and can speak the truth about the things she wants. You go do that to a guy...just come up and start chatting with him...and damn if you don't have a date!

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    • The Sexism is great! Let it all ride ... it has been far too long returning to society.

      We WANT men different from women = > Puts all the fun back into the equation :)

  • Gender differences are disappearing and the idea of men being the ones to initiate everything is dying out.

    As far as the type of guy, if you study people, you will see that there IS a link between the selfish nature of jerks/assholes and the boldness it takes to approach a woman. Generally they seem to go hand-in-hand, with few exceptions. I advise studying that psychological aspect if you truly want the answers you seek.

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    • What? No way. We don't see girls as being all that much different from us. Approaching a guy and asking him out isn't desperate. In fact it makes it easier to respect you. Earns you bonus points in our book. Don't trust the advice you hear from Cosmopolitan. =)

  • I'm not afraid of rejection, but I have come to a point where I expect it. And if I know I'm going to be rejected, why on earth would I put myself out there and approach a girl/make a move? It's simply not worth my time to get my hopes up and have them dashed over and over again. There are more valuable things I can do with my time then get rejected by girls. If a girl were to ask me out, I might go out with her, but I would be suspicious of her motives. I'm probably doomed to be single forever because of this (and it frustrates me daily) but it is what it is.

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  • Nah. I have a hard time opening up to people after I get to know them, not so much at first glance. Though it's hard to talk to someone when you don't feel that you'd have any sort of connection with them. Like if you went to the same college as me, and you made eye contact with me more than once, I'd come up and say hi. After that first initial conversation, things become more relaxed, and if it came to it, I'd ask if you would want to go get coffee or something.

    Cocky assholes are..well...assholes. I pity you and your friends. Though when you're around those type of people so much, we automatically assume those are the type of guys that you're into, and if we aren't like that, it just throws our confidence out the window.

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    • Trust me.. I'm not into those type of guys. I go out with them because I think they're really nice or they're funny, confident, charming, good looking, etc at first just to find out later that they were lying to me or total players. I want a good guy with a bad side (if that makes any sense or not.) lol Like a nice guy who is fun, good looking, spontaneous, and loves sex. :P

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    • So I guess it's true

  • Most guys don't think about things like whether a girl is desperate or just wants sex . If an average guy is approached by a girl they are attracted to, they are happy just to be able to talk to them.

    The reason guys are afraid to approach girls is because most of them play stupid head games with us and try to make it seem like they're not interested when they are and other stupid B.S. like that. Well, guess what? If a girl starts acting that way to me, I move on to the next girl. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    Women need to stop with all the games if they want this to change. If you like a guy and you think he might like you. Why don't you step up YOUR game a little bit? At least meet us 1/3rd of the way there! Is that too much to ask? Throw a couple random friendly smiles his way out of the blue... Let him catch you looking at him... Anything!

    \rant

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    • " the trick is to decide which one you want and then try to make it seem like it is his idea"

      thats what women are told to do. NNOT tell you they like u. most guys think it makes her look desperate.

      I would not bother trying to trick a person, or with anyone who thinks being straightforward is desperate, but maybe many people go with it.

  • Rejection has it's limits. There's only so much a man can take. If a man is capable of being turned down numerous times, and still having enthusiasm to move on to the next rejection, then more power to him. But there are not many men like that. We only make make a move when there are clear signals that we will not be turned down or when there's enough alcohol in our bloodstream.

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  • All of the answers are going to be generalizations, but as a man that rarely asks girls out, I'll try to talk from personal experience where I can.

    You seem to have broken down men into 2 groups, the "cocky asshole" and the proverbial "nice guy." All men are at least a little of both, but we'll assume that those are the two main groups.

    About the "cocky asshole": this guy doesn't give a sh*t what you think about him. He doesn't care about you, he cares about him, and what you can do for him.He may be nice to you, but ultimately the reason he has so much confidence when he talks to you is because at the end of the day, you and your opinion do not matter to him, or his opinion of himself. He can be funny and charming but when you get right down to it, the person he thinks about and considers most is himself. The cocky asshole is willing to walk right up to you and ask you out, without knowing you at all, because whether you say yes or no, since you don't matter, his ego will remain intact.He also is pretty shameless, and won't worry about what someone else will think if he's asking out a girl based solely on her looks.

    The proverbial "nice guy": Let me preface this - I don't know a single nice guy that will ask out a stranger. A nice guy needs to pretty much already be friends to ask you out. Nice guys won't ask you out based on your looks alone, that sh*t is shallow so they'll want to take the time to get to know you in a friendship level. Once you're friends, and he thinks you might be a potential match, he probably still won't ask you out. He cares what you think, and you're friends, so the rejection is a lot more personal. Since a nice guy cares what you think, instead of being confident and nonchalant about asking you out, he'll be nervous. unfortunately, "nervousness" pretty much translates directly to "creepiness." Don't get me wrong, you've probably been asked out by some creepy guys, but most of them were probably genuinely nice fellows that were just nervous, because you mattered to them.

    ----------------

    other thoughts:

    "innocent til proven guilty" is the moniker for the justice system. in dating today, it's basically "stalker/rapist til proven otherwise." I really hate how this one has worked out. There are so many crazy people out there that women have to protect themselves by keeping men at a significant distance. As a nice guy, I understand why women do it, but it doesn't change the fact that it's *extremely* offensive to be treated this way. I guess the way things work out is that it's really tough for women to tell which guys are just a little nervous and which guys are crazy, which results in more rejection for the nice guy, and more reluctance to ask out or even show interest in the next girl.

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    • I had a lot more but it's too much trouble to copy paste into here in 500 character chunks :(

    • I love this! I agree with you totally. I know it's 3 months down the road with the kudos, but you are right and it's a shame more women don't see it this way.

  • Except for rare occasions, I always initiate contact with a girl. And I have pretty much gotten all responses, so I think I may be able to help with this. Any guy who has learned to manage the fear -- nobody really gets over it -- and has approached many women knows that few, if any, respond negatively. Even if you aren't interested, aren't you still a little flattered someone noticed you? However, there is no way to tell from a first meeting what will happen afterward. A girl can smile and laugh and blush and give you her number like it's burning a hole in her phone, then vanish like David Copperfield for the rest of eternity when you call her. It's situations like these that lead men to guard their emotions stronger than necessary. Men aren't afraid of the rejection itself; they're afraid of receiving confirmation that they're undesirable. And that's on the top 5 desert island fears of all living beings as long as sex remains the means of procreation. So try this... Be clearer in your interest. Flirt and create opportunities for the right kind of guy to ask you, not frat boys in backward-turned white hats. Make yourself available for enough time that he doesn't have to think of some Shakespearian icebreaker in 6 seconds just to get your number. Save the playing hard to get sh*t for later, when he knows you like him. Otherwise you could wait forever for a confident, good-looking, intelligent man who isn't also an asshole.

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  • guys that are shy, depressed from lonelyness from never having a girlfriend, ignored by girls, called ugly by girls, and have zero confidence, and are sensitive just are considered unattractive by girls and its so sad, plus guys that are like this know they are unwanted/unloved and there's nothing we can do about it... the over confident or cocky assholes seem to always attract the girls when some of us guys that are genuinly and naturally nice don't attract anything ... I never even catch a girl looking at me so I just consider I'm unattractive. there's only so much rejection a guy can take then we just give up and wait till a girl wants us. plus girls don't really want a guy in the first place so its difficult to even impress a girl ... and girls seem to think only the guy has to ask the girl out etc just because we are called MAN or GUY ... and just because guys have balls we're stereotyped as always confident well girls have balls too but they are inside the body and they are called ovaries... and girls are stuck into thinking there's a rule that guys have to only ask the girl out ... NEWS FLASH ...THERE ARE NO RULES ... and guys have emotions too

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  • Generally, the guys who are less likely to ask women out are fairly shy, and from your description, sound like the type of men you're attracted to emotionally. I, myself, am one of those kinds of guys. We have been hurt by women many times in the past and as a result, have lost a great deal of trust towards them. Dave Chappelle hit the nail right on his head I one of his stand-up routines when he said, "Chivalry is dead, and women killed it."

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  • I think it ultimately boils down to issues with the guys self-confidence. Many people(men and women) seem to take rejection as an evaluation of their self-worth, like the person rejecting them is saying "you are not good enough, you don't deserve to have a loving relationship " when they are really just trying to say,"you are not the right person for me." A confident person does not let this rejection shake the image they have of themselves, because they know they are good enough and deserve a loving relationship, even if it doesn't work out with a particular partner. I have to say that the media, including hollywood romantic comedies, and music about love do many men these days a great disservice by providing TERRIBLE male role-models to emulate. A perfect example is that silly Blue October song, "Calling you," where the guy sings about calling his girl incessantly to see if she's asleep, dreaming, dreaming of him, asking if she loves him...YUCK! I call that song the guide to becoming a f*ing stalker, haha. Fact is, the vast majority of women are attracted to men, not little boys or guys who act like women. A man is comfortable with himself, is comfortable with any outcome of his situation with a woman, is a leader, is decisive, carries himself with confident body language, makes good eye contact, takes care of his needs first, etc. I would agree that a girl asking a guy out is unconventional, but not taboo. Some men may find this type of aggressive behavior from a woman highly appealing, while others like maintaining a dominant role in the relationship dynamic. IMO, its the guy's role to take the lead and pursue the girl he desires.

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  • Hey love_life,

    Unless you are one of these over-confident or cocky guys, then it can be quite difficult for a guy to ask a girl out due to personal insecurities, fear of rejection, etc. Of course there is nothing to be scared of in reality, if you say no so what? Move on with life, etc.

    But, of course, this isn't how guys think. They think, "I'm single. I've been single for a while. I like that girl but I can't tell if she likes me so I'm not going to blow it by asking her out when I don't know and then she'll probably say no and then I'll be single and feel worse about myself..."

    As such, this type of guy will instead look for "signals" that the girl is interested in him. Even if he gets these signals, however, he still may not actually ask her out after all -> having psyched himself out in the meantime.

    For this reason, I recommend girls ask guys out if they want to go out and not wait for him because he might... not.

    Best

    - Evan

    Women: What You Can Do If He Doesn’t Call -> link

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  • Well, do you girls like to get shot down when asking a guy out? It's an easy question to answer if you ask me. Unless you have built up an immunity to rejection or being rejected, then you definitely don't like to be rejected. So of course you don't want to put yourself in that situation. Also, when women do it, you girls can be pretty harsh. Say you're in a club or something, and you want this one guy you're interested in to come up and talk to you, but there are other girls in the club that he has his eye on. He does know you are interest in him, or else he really is out to lunch and clueless, but isn't making a move because he isn't interested. Then there is another guy who noticed you ever since you walked into the club. He's not the guy you are attracted to because you have your eyes, heart set on this one. So he (the uninteresting one) get's enough balls and courage to ask you to dance or for a drink or something and probably doesn't know what to say to someone that's not showing interest to gain her interest, and then get's shot down or laughed at or just ignored. Well, once bitten, twice shy so the saying goes.

    Another scenario is the girl the guy is interested in isn't showing any signs of interest in him. So the guy tries to ask her out, but then gets a weird look, or like, where is this coming from sort of answer from the girl. This ruins the friendship or he's always going to feel awkward around this girl from now on. Especially if he's liked her for a long time.

    Also, most girls I've heard, likes a guy to approach them with confidence. That's a lot easier to do when you get an inclination that the girl has some interest in you. But if you go blind, it takes a little more razzle-dazzle or more charm to catch a woman's interest. Depending I guess on the situation and environment. That's why it's a bad idea for women looking for a true relationship to try and find someone in a club setting. A club is like an arena where the fittest and most confident and strongest survive. It's also competition based because of this fact. So if you're going to a club, in a guy's mind, it's all about competition and if I am the better guy than any other guy in there tonight for one woman I choose. So you have to have even more testosterone or exude more cockiness to gain the confidence and strength to be the with the most charm, best attitude, best looking out of many with the same look, style, ability, etc. in the arena.

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    • Without the complimentary characteristics of femininity, masculinity can not survive. And we crave masculine men, those men who are strong enough to put up with our bullsh*t and still love us when we don't deserve it. WOMEN SPEAK UP! Wouldn't you love to f**k up any and still feel accepted and wanted? MEN WANTED! Wouldn't you love to be admired for not being judgmental?

  • Let's turn that question back on to you

    Are YOU scared of rejection? Why is it that you won't simply ask a guy out that you like? You say you do it occasionally, but most of the time you wait.

    You need to understand that guys fear the rejection just like you do. When you ask someone out, you put your self-esteem on the line. You must be prepared to be shot down, and you can't let it effect you. That is very hard.

    Confident assholes is all your gonna get, because those guys do not give a fck. Good for them

    Either ask the guys out you want, or shutup. This makes you a hypocrite, because you are unable to do the thing that you accuse guys of not being able to do

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    • hey! you're just rude! she's just asking, besides she said she does it some times why would she have to do it ALL the time! and it looks to me that the only sex you're having lately is with your hand, to be this grumpy!

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    • And naught remains but ash.

    • LOL.. he kind of has a point... women wanted to be equal and all that jazz... I'm not down playing this at all but I mean if you wanna dance... dance... I personally don't do it... sorry I have a crap load of guy friends and a huge guys girl... if something comes from me hanging out with my guys then so be it... I'm not gonna find mr right at a bar/club.. etc... those guys generally want ms. right now... :)

  • Because the fact is, if you get attached to a girl you're pursuing, you have your feelings, but if they don't return them you take a major hit because you were starting to get attached ("nice guy"). But if you cut your feelings and just play the game you'll be confident because you don't care what they think, and when you get a girl you won't have feelings for them, so you just get sex ("asshole").

    Everyone loses and that's the game of love.

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  • Girls get that impression of me, cause I am dating someone and won't cheat I guess. but than again when I was single, I wanted to analyse a girl before I approached her, due to the fact that there is a lot of girls on pills that use us men for rides to the trailer park, and bum money for pills. (I'm not afraid in the I'm shy and can't talk way) its more like (better be careful, if she's a pill head she will never leave me alone way.) and another part of it is, well every since 1998 all the trends, styles and music sucked in the mainstream. and I would rather have an old-school goth chick that likes metal, than a typical preppy that is into the hip-hop scene. so I am a bit anti-social. I know that ist not your fault that pill heads messed up the guys approached girls days, but they way things are getting you might have to approach us and let us know "hey, I'm not a druggie! how are you? lol.

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  • I really hate to say it but the reason so many guys are the cocky a**holes are because that's the most effective way for a guy to get some ass. Or sadly to even land the girl that they like these days. We've been saying this forever but the truth really is, good guys are a dying breed. Check out sites like doubleyourdating.com that's the new breed of guys that you're going to get surrounded by. Obnoxious jackasses that follow a multi step formula to getting a chick in bed. The worst part of all is the system actually works, seriously chicks really fall for this system. My suggestion would be to try initiating the conversation or a date with a guy, sometimes if you want a quality guy you are going to have to put in the work. What do you have to lose? Except a lifetime of failed relationships with one f*cking meat head after another.

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  • No. I always ask the girl but she's always attracted to that older, asshole who's a few inches taller then me. I feel like girls these days aren't into nice friendly guys so approaching them is just a waste of time.

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  • More from Guys
    84

What Girls Said 24

  • Wow...some really great answers here but I'll throw this out there too.

    Is it possible that in today's society we don't put as much value on kindness as we did in years past? I mean just good old ordinary "giving others the benefit of the doubt"?

    I'd be curious to know what the guys have experienced...just HOW they've been rejected? (How rude or thoughtless can women be?)

    I read an article recently about how guys often times get a bad wrap. I had to agree. MANY guys are decent. Many are willing to work and be committed to the wife and family. It's the few cocky, player types that spoil the image. Guys DO have feelings. They do need hugs, encouragement, etc but being men they can't be as open with their feelings as women, particularly in public. Guys will open up with a woman they feel safe with. As women, we must be careful not to betray that trust. I digress...

    Bad experiences with one individual are easily transferred to the whole. For example, one truck driver on drugs kills a family on the highway and everyone "hates" truckers. A person of a certain ethnicity commits a crime and we think everyone of that decent is a criminal.

    We must be careful with these types of judgments and with stereotypes. If we let them determine our behavior we'll certainly be giving off some hateful vibes to undeserving recipients.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that if women behaved more as ladies and were honest but kind and appreciative when responding to a request for a date, perhaps more guys would be willing to take the risks associated with such initiations.

    ALL guys are NOT after sex. ALL guys aren't either jerks or wimps. AND to be fair, ALL women aren't hateful, Gold Diggers. LOL

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    • What I've experienced? I've had 3 relationships, I was perfectly confident til we started going out, and because I'm not used to us being more than friends I don't have all the confidence I started out with cus I really like this girl, and all 3 broke up with me within 2 weeks. What hope do I have that I or the girl will be any different the fourth time?

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    • I have asked 3 women out before and all 3 ended in embarassment. The last time I asked a girl out I found out she had a boyfriend afterward and him and two other guys beat me up for it. Its been 3 years since I asked any women out. Does that mean I haven't found any women I would want to ask out no. I just don't feel comfortable putting myself in a position like that.

    • I think part of the problem is that so many girls like the cocky jerks, so when the rest of us see this we just back off because the loud mouth jerks are the one who they seem to like, not the rest of us! I used to get upset over this but in time I learned my place. There is actually a great feeling of freedom once we just give up and pretty much ignore chicks

  • i get what your saying but I also feel the guys, rejection is a big thing & no one likes that, girls sometimes forget to make those little signals that give him the green light, if not they have no idea if your in a relationship or think they're ugly...so a nice smile his way or a look that lasts a bit long can give the guy the push he needs...but granted I know plenty of times I say to myself (damn it just come over & talk to me) but the guy won't & funny story was with someone I saw every time on my way to work via the train...did the whole staring thing & then I had enough so I grew some & plain & simple said "hey you got a girl?...he said no...so I said you got a number? & he gave it to me" hahahaha I was really nervous & was like shhh what if he thinks I'm crazy or if I get rejected...guys go through that every time...but yeah a lot of time if the guy had a better approach then ppssttt hey you...or the whistle then it would work better. hahahha

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    • I like your style. You took control. I had a girl stare at me, follow me and one day I did what you did (I offered my number) and I got REJECTED! Never been more confused in my life over that one. It taught me women are unpredictable and change their minds quickly.

  • I kinda have this problem. There are actually quite a few guys that do make the moves on me, but unfortunately I'm just not interested in them. There is one guy that I'm actually interested in, but he doesn't seem to be into me. I want to ask him out, but I'm scared of rejection too. I understand what you mean guys. There are so many things that go through my mind...

    1. What if I'm not pretty enough?

    2. What if he doesn't like girls to make the first move?

    3. What if I'm not his type?

    4. If he was interested, he would have at least come over and talk to me... :(

    Ugh... annoying.

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    • I had a girl chase me and one day I tried talking to her only to get rejected. Left me confused, hurt and not trusting girls much anymore.

    • I can definitely see how that is confusing. I don't even know why girls do that. But you probably dodged a bullet with that girl. She's probably bipolar. lol

  • It boils down to rejection.The same reason girls don't bother to ask a guy out or the same reason a girl may be shy around their interest. No one wants to be rejected.Girls asking guys out does not equate to desperation,sex etc. It does equate to boldness and being awesome! I've spoken to guys who loved the idea of a girl asking them out!

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  • Guys have to have confidence in themselves to ask a girl out. Some are mostly like cocky and jerks if they approach a girl to only have sex unless that girl is OK with it.

    Some guys may genuinely not be interested in a relationship. A lot are non commital. Girls who ask guys out are not necessarily desperate. they can be really hot and guys are generally intimdated by them, so the girl makes the move or helps it along.

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  • It's why the jerks get the girls. "Nice" guys like to feel sorry for themselves by saying it's because they are nice that they don't get girls when in reality, it's because they aren't assertive. Early bird gets the worm! I agree that any guy that likes you, jerk or nice, should be able to tell you. What's the worse that can happen? You say no. There are 3 billion other fish in the sea, life moves on. Despite any advances in gender role expectations, we do still live in a patriarchal society and men are still (and will always be) the dominant sex due to their strength and size, therefore I think society will always feel a need (and women biologically) to expect a man to assert himself since he holds more societal power. However, there will always be guys who are introverted, shy, passive, etc, and sadly they allow a good girl to pass them by because they can't bring themselves to just ask and by the time they finally get around to it, she's with someone else. My words of encouragement are for men of all types to just go for it. Women should feel that freedom too.

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    • Hmmm ... Easy to say if you have that mindset or if you approach a girl with that mindset. But what about when the Girl does not like the guy who approaches or does not find them aesthetically pleasing, or god forbid, repulsive? Does this hinder your way of thinking and cause you to act differently? I bet most women who say men should just go for it or bang on about how they they would treat a man with respect if they had to reject them would turn ultra venemous if the latter approached them.

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    • Amazing how a 19 year old is already more mature than a 31 year old.

    • "I've noticed you're full of responses, but haven't got the courage to respond."

      That doesn't make sense. If they haven't got the courage to respond, then how do you know they are full of responses? o_O

  • whats wrong with girls going after what they want? why is taking charge a masculine thing? it's the 21'st century, quit being so sexist

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  • They are afraid of rejection

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  • It's a really scary thing. that's why the cocky ones are able to do it. I guess if you want them to ask you you have to make it easy for them , let them know you are interested make them feel confident that they might get yes.

    when you have asked guys out how did that work?

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  • people are often afraid to make a move because of the fear of rejection.

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  • I think it's because lately guys have been really into the whole "bad boys always get the girl" theory, so if they really like a girl they assume that she'll reject them if they don't fit the bad boy image.

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  • I don't think it's rejection they're afraid of, rather than ruining what's going good, or getting hurt in the long run. There's more to it than just rejection. All guys are different.

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  • i know eh! Just ask a girl out- text her as much as you want--- we like the attention. Just ask us. The worst thing is you get a no, the best...who knows

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    • If only!!!!!! If a guy was guaranteed to get a sipmle no, sorry I'm not interested, then the female population would be hit on 1000 times more. The reality is you are more likely to get a "Fuck off! As If you would ever get a girl like me you ugly f*** bag. Get out of my space and never come near me again Don't even look my way"

      The above is not through personal experience you understand but I'm a people watcher and I see this all the time. Why would any guy want to go through that? Shit...

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    • That's not always true. There is a guy that likes me. He is constantly text me and responding to ALL of my posts on Facebook. I have already told him that I'm interested in someone else, but he just doesn't get it. So guys, yes try it! (because we do like the attention), but if she tells you that she's not interested, no worries... on to the next!

    • OMG I would laugh my balls off if a girl said that to me. Seriously, that would be cool! She would be one interesting pyscho bitch, but in no way would that hurt my ego.

  • GREAT question, am off to check out the answers from the guys! It's a bugbear of mine, I don't approach guys, I'm too shy and I guess I'm old-fashioned, I want the guy to make the first move!

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  • I think they want us to act like the pro. haha. What I mean is that they think that we think that they are just using us, sjo they let you make the first move to show that they aren't.

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  • have you ever asked a girl out... no? its really nerve racking

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  • If a person doesn't have the courage to ask a a girl out, that must mean the girls is not on his level. Maybe that guys should find more girls who are on his level to ask out; he'll have more confidence this way.

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    • And this would raise his so-called 'level'? How does that make sense?

    • I didn't say it would raise it.

    • So, logically, what you must be saying is that some guys are just screwed regardless of what they do. That's just wonderful.

  • If a guy made a move and a girl rejected them, the guy's ego would be hurt, and that is one thing guys need the most! The need their ego to be up so girls would be intrested them!

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  • Thank you, I would like an answer to this question too please. The age of man is evaporating.

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    • let's fu(king hope so!

    • I get the feeling that 'synmar' and 'jennifer8' have different definitions of "the age of man".

    • I just fancy an "alpha male", which seems to be a dying breed of man these days.

  • lol Because they get chatted up by women on the way to walking over to you...

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  • Its kinda sad. I thought this was the 21st cetury

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    • I know, I can't believe some girls today. THe right wing anti feminist " He has to approach me" mentality has infected women young and old and the backlash is that men are getting sick of us and ignoring us.

    • Well I wouldn't say I'm 'right wing anti-feminist', but I like the guy to approach me because I have old fashioned values; I still like the chair pulled out for me, the door held open etc. I think feminism killed all those lovely old things men used to do for us and changed their opinion of women completely. It is SUCH a shame! :(

  • Unfortunately this question is asked frequently and there seems to be no consensus as to the reason(s) why fewer and fewer men/boys/guys etc. are willing to approach women. Rejection the obvious answer is the primary reason, but what rarely is discussed is the dynamics and reasoning behind rejection and the fear of rejection.

    Some women believe men and men alone should always take the initiative, to do otherwise is unmanly and even socially inappropriate. Others in contrast are quite assertive in their behavior toward men, believing that to make such critical choice like a companion or just casual boyfriend their options must be broader than the women who rely entirely on the man making the first move. This is more common with well educated women who have usually invested a lot in career and are adamant about not getting into a bad relationship. They reason that by approaching men they are essentially expanding the field of possibilities from which to choose. They are always getting offers, especially from the jerks. So that combined with pursuing on their own raises their chances of starting a relationship that they initiated. This gives women a feeling of empowerment and reduces the odds of a bad relationship.

    In the last half century the woman's movement has made possibilities for women that didn't exist in my mothers generation. The progress has improved our lives in so many ways. In this evolution our demeanor and even some of our basic personalities have taken a change for the better. More assertive, outspoken and responsible. We have learned that we don't need men financially. We can earn our own way in the world. In this new found freedom we have become something of a threat to SOME men, actually a shrinking minority of men. Mostly over 60 now. For the most part the ones under 60 have taken the journey with us and for the most part been supportive.

    In this period of great change, the signals men and women send to one another have also changed, the problem is we are suffering from a communication gap between the sexes that has both men and women very confused and frustrated with one another. "Is he interested in me or did I read it wrong?" "Should I call her or will she think I'm pushy?" We are tripping all over each other and it's driving us crazy. Especially the guys who have been supportive of women advancing and have to put up neanderthal women who insist they be like cavemen, yes there's actually a woman on this site who believes that primal instinct crappola. We don't have to go running after guys like bitches in heat or act like street girls. But this attitude that we can't approach men is hurting women more than it hurts men.

    Men are changing too and discovering they don't need women. Especially the shy ones. After what they've been through and the rejection all of them have experienced, they simply stay single and alone. And we women? Do you think we end up any different? If you would like to...

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    • see a sample of what I'm talking about read ouisch_babe7 or cuddlycarla. If you read what these women have to say there should be no question why there are fewer and fewer men knocking on our door. Or paying us any attention at all.

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    • If only more women would listen

    • Thank you for that insight. I agree, I read what those animals wrote. It's a wonder more men don't just throw in the towel and forget about us.

  • I think many guys are just lazy - too lazy to work for something they want.

    But in their defense sometimes it's just hard to tell if someone's worth working for (I mean nowadays it's not like girls are looking for a husband, they just look for a good partner, so it's more a matter of mutual interest than economic necessity to date someone...so both parties are kinda hesistant if someone is worth their time and money to spend on), so I think if you want to get to know a guy, just try to get to know him.

    If he decides that you're his type, he should be able to ask you out though.

    The guy I'm just dating - well, I liked him and he liked me but he didn't call me, so I called him, just like that and after a few conversations he invited me for dinner and that's how it started. I call him still a bit more often than he does, but he was always the one to ask me out. Maybe I made it too easy for him, but I don't think so. Some guys even then won't ask you out and then I would just let it be.

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    • that has to be the stupidest thing ever written on this site, and that's fu (king *STUPID*

  • Just some quick thoughts. Even though the times are changing for the better for today's woman, they seem like it's the 18th century when it comes to asking out a guy. OK we all know about the loud overconfident jerk. Well, won't you at least admit that is the type of guy who always gets the girl. It makes me mad as hell but that is a sad even pathetic fact, that women from young teen girls right up to my age (40yo) fall for the "Smooth BSers" who end up making them miserable but they fall for it anyway. Time after time . Year after year I see nice, beautiful and intelligent women make the worst decisions about guys and the price they pay is tremendous.

    Now to my point. Wanna know the best kept secret in the world? In the population of these "Shy Guys"? Their are some GEMS. And I mean great men. Men who believe it or not ARE confident and successful. They just happen NOT to be confident with women! Most of them are at least good natured and usually more friendly than we think. Once we start talking to them we'll see them loosen up and more importantly open up. What we girls have yet to learn is that despite all our obvious differences, men and women share many of the same reservations and insecurities. That shouldn't make us undesirable people, but in this very judgmental world it hits shy people the hardest, especially the guys.

    For heaven sake don't miss a chance if you really like a guy. If you don't approach you'll never know. Just the fact that you are interested enough to ask this question puts you well ahead of the young women in your age group who are going to learn MEN101 the hard way. Good luck to you. I hope you find the guy of your dreams.

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    • That was great dear,,,kinda like the words,,,are you in a relationship,,?would like to be your friend,,

      Caley

    • Thank you for giving hope in a world (and website) that is hostile to decent people.

    • I can't disagree with what you said, it makes perfect sense. Maybe the hardest blow next to a girls rejection is to see the kind of neanderthal idiots they actually do go out with. That's the most insulting part. Talk about a punch in the self esteem!

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