Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

It seems like more and more lately I've noticed or heard from my guy friends and my own personal experience is that even if they really like a girl, they'll wait for her to initiate or make a move. I understand girls can ask out guys as well, but I just think more men should stop being scared and go out for what they want. Granted, I do ask out guys occasionally, but most the time I just wait for them. Unfortunately, the type of guys that usually ask myself or my friends out seem to be the over confident or cocky assholes. Men, are you really that afraid of rejection that you can't ask out the girl you like?

Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate? OR assume they just want sex from them? That's what I've heard anyway.

What's Your Opinion?


Most Helpful Opinion

  • I'm speaking from personal experience and from friends I have, that girls like it when guys ask them out. It seems to indicate that the guy in question is confident not to mention that the girl gets a sort of medevil kick out of being the one asked. I'm not saying that girls shouldn't ask guys out, just that if they guy likes the girl or vise versa that the one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask. Having guys not ask simply because they are afraid of what the girl might say is silly and waiting for the girl to ask you out is not a solution, the girl might be totally oblivious to the way you feel and be trying to not let on her feelings about you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. Besides, girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to. Girls tend to expect the guy to be the first one to make a move. Guys, don't be so frightened of what we'll say =) we may surprise you xx

    • While the stupid concept of Feminism keeps surfacing, guys are not likely to do their natural thing - the thing they were born to do.

      Also, as someone else has mentioned, the Fems have now got everyone worried about charges of 'sexual harrassment"! ... meaning, that if the girl doesn't like them, they could claim harassment!

      Such is the legal nonsense left or instigated via feminism!

      If YOU want nature ... if you want Fun, you have to get rid of the feministic nonsense in society today!

    • it depends on how the girl rejects the guy that makes guys tired of having to make the first move

    • so guys should ask girls out because the one who is doing the liking should be the one to ask.. so girls do not 'like' guys. The guy should ask in case the girl does like the guy,. because the girl might be uncertain of howe he feels, & she does not want to let him know... which would mean she likes him no?

      yea OK incoherent. here's the coherent version-- if you like someone ask them out. fear just increses. the fewer things you are afraid of- women & men. men & women. the more you get done in life.

    • Show Older

What Guys Said 113

  • 3mo

    i rofl with these girls... why are you afraid to make a move then?

  • It does not make you girls seem desperate when asking us guys out, If anything it would be the other way round. I think it all depends on your actions, or how you ask. I personally feel that guys should always be the one to make the first move, but I'm not saying that girls shouldn't try as well. what I think is that it would be so much easier if both sides show that they're interested in one another. It don't have to be verbally, sometimes a little body language, or a little signal would do. Make eye contact, smile or smile back, wave, or finger-brush your hair back, anything is better than guessing.I guess you could say it would be like a first move, but think about it. When you give that one signal of interest it will ease that person and possibly likely to give them that bit of confidence to initiate. I'm just putting it out there, if both sides could just play that little part instead of guessing games, it'll be so much easier.

    As for rejection, yes, majority of guys like myself ARE that scared of rejection. Sometimes its not the rejection, there are also insecurity, or financially unstable, and so on. The thing is that there are only so much rejection that a guy could take, when a guy gets rejected over and over again it eventually hits the quitting point. That fear of rejection grows with each rejection, so those of you saying that it'll be easier after the first one is somewhat wrong, and by somewhat I mean that not all men are the same and think the same. Now, after so many attempts that fear has amplified enormously to where that person quits therefor, no more asking girls to go out, but wait for them to ask or show an interest instead. These are most of my experiences and till this day still scared of rejection, but the only thing is that I'm not a quitting type. I still try every now and then, but also what I like to put out there is being used. one of which that made me not want to search anymore. That person that would pretend to like you but was all an act just to get what they want. Anyways, body language is the key, let that person know that your interested by giving signs and if that person is interested in you, they'll give back a sign or initiate the first move. If that person does not have any interest the worst thing theyll do is ignore the sign and move on, no exchange of word or public humiliation lol.

    One more thing, If the guys are overly-confident, obnoxious, cocky douche-bags, then get rid of them. I can say for the nearly extinct nice guys still left in the world like myself, that you deserve better than to be mistreated, or used, or whatever the case may be.

    There's more that I want say relating to this topic but I'm too tired and lazy to go on, but I hope this helped a bit, but, sayonara! - Kajima B.

  • Too many conceited bitches these days. Women are often very disrespectful when they reject a guy, with that in mind, who the hell will put themselves out there? Not only that but not only we have to make the first move, but we also have to put up with their damn tests, to make ourselves datable and attractive for them...its not easy to be a guy man.

  • I don't know if I answered this or not I don't really feel like looking throw 100 answers. But to me I don't ask women, I have gotten a girl to aks me out before (although it turned out pretty bad) I gave her a chance which is more than I can say about any women I have ever asked out. I know girls don't want to ask guys out because there scared but guys get scared as well, and if you have had bad experiances before just telling someone oh well or just get over it isn't going to work.

    Also in my experiance I have come to realize the fantasys of girls wanting the nice sweet quiet guys is fading and fading fast. Those type of guys for the most part don't make moves I will give you that but the constant obsession with excitment that people want to live life on the edge and live for the moment really doesn't do the nice, sweet, quiet guys any favors. It appears in a fairly short amount of time most guys will become one dimensional in the fact they all must live up to what is hype and they always must be exciting instead of being themselvs. Its really just processing a line of zombies who who listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, talk the same, and eventualy thing the same.

    Not to mention 2011 men have more pressure then any men before them to be in shape, to look good, to have proper grooming. Everywhere we look in this day in age men now are shown on tv, adds anything as having to be big muscular and attractive. Yes women have had to deal with this for a long time but this is new to the male species and we are adJusting to it and apart of this adjustment is having to hear criticism about the way we look as well now. And a lot of guys can't take that. I myself since joining this site have been told my eyebrows are to bushy, my shoulders are to hunched, I been called a slob because I have a picture with stubble, I been called fat because my face is slightly rounded towards the bottom and I been criticised about how light my skin is. These are all things men for thousands of years never had to worry about now we do and now we have developed into more protective creatures who don't want to be judged or criticised negitivly.

  • You think that we men should sstop being scared to ask girls out? I think that you women should learn to stop rejecting the sweet lonely guy whod give up everything for one day with a girl.

  • Because chicks these days are f***ed in the head.

  • if women aren't willing to approach men, then why are you all fighting for "equal" rights...

  • I hope it stays that way because times are changing, I'm curious as to who girls will choose, if the guy doesn't approach them, and if you don't want to approach a guy, may you forever be alone.

  • they have been feminized and don't even know it... 45+ years of gynocentricism being forced-fed to everyone causes stuff like that...

    • Precisely! :)

      It's about time someone else also woke up in society to what has ruined it for everyone: Feminism!

    • LOL

  • I really hate to say it but the reason so many guys are the cocky a**holes are because that's the most effective way for a guy to get some ass. Or sadly to even land the girl that they like these days. We've been saying this forever but the truth really is, good guys are a dying breed. Check out sites like doubleyourdating.com that's the new breed of guys that you're going to get surrounded by. Obnoxious jackasses that follow a multi step formula to getting a chick in bed. The worst part of all is the system actually works, seriously chicks really fall for this system. My suggestion would be to try initiating the conversation or a date with a guy, sometimes if you want a quality guy you are going to have to put in the work. What do you have to lose? Except a lifetime of failed relationships with one f*cking meat head after another.

  • we hate rejection, personally I hate it as in it pisses me off, makes me angry, not hurt my feelings

  • Some men in today's society have been castrated mentally by the Feminist movement of the last 40 years. These men will seek out women who have a mentality closer to that of women before this movement, although they don't exist that much anymore. A consequence of this movement created sexual harassment laws in the work place that have made it nearly impossible for a man to ask woman out, lest he be fired for doing so.

    Also, even though wage indicators show men making more than women, women occupy a greater sector of jobs that men occupied 30 to 40 years ago, mainly middle sector business, white collar jobs. With women filling in these positions, men making less will likely avoid dating a women of higher wage. It is easily proven that a man will avoid a woman who makes more than he does.

    So, to answer your question: Society has made average men cautious of the modern women. The higher your status as a women, the less likely you will find a partner. The lower your status, the easier you'll find a date and a partner.

    • I am so glad that Finally, some 30 years after I wrote the book, that there are now people who are waking up to the oure destructive power that Feminism has been for all of us! ... including the Fems themselves! that is the whole Irony.

      If you can get hold of it at all, you will find most of your answers in the book, "Australia Imploded!", by Denis Towers

    • The "so-called feminist movements" also made it so that women could play sports in school and professionally, and go to college. So, uh, yeah.

    • The so called feminist movements indeed destroyed the polarity of men and women alike.

      Women, due to male role models in the business world began to model male behavior, became tough and thus less approachable even in terms of intimate relationships. Once we have to be tough we are having an amazingly hard time to go back to our natural flow, the sensitivity, the intuition, the vulnerability and openness.

  • First no we never think a girl is desperate. Its more her showing interest for the guys to know that he can now start the chase because she is into him. Here is the deal, girls seem to usually push a guy away when he is trying to ask her to hang out. They always say they are busy but then leave a little hope for him by say something that will keep him around just so she gets attention. Its absolutely insane how many girls reject even after a guy takes time to get to know them.

    • Excellent, Excellent comment, JoiceJoker!

      Yet 40 years ago, they were all so thick and blind to the realities of life!

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

      If you want to know where it all went wrong and how it has ruined matters, try Denis Towers' book, "Australia Imploded!"

    • Yes, it's non-comprehensible. Men as well as most women don't understand why they are running this pattern. When we are in our feminine energy we need the attention. It's our emotional dependency on men to give it to us. No one else, not even our children can give us what you have. The strength, the initiative, the emotional stability.

      You are the one's we can lean on after we stormed all over you until we completely exhausted ourselves. And hopefully not be judged as being hysterical or insan

  • Well, do you girls like to get shot down when asking a guy out? It's an easy question to answer if you ask me. Unless you have built up an immunity to rejection or being rejected, then you definitely don't like to be rejected. So of course you don't want to put yourself in that situation. Also, when women do it, you girls can be pretty harsh. Say you're in a club or something, and you want this one guy you're interested in to come up and talk to you, but there are other girls in the club that he has his eye on. He does know you are interest in him, or else he really is out to lunch and clueless, but isn't making a move because he isn't interested. Then there is another guy who noticed you ever since you walked into the club. He's not the guy you are attracted to because you have your eyes, heart set on this one. So he (the uninteresting one) get's enough balls and courage to ask you to dance or for a drink or something and probably doesn't know what to say to someone that's not showing interest to gain her interest, and then get's shot down or laughed at or just ignored. Well, once bitten, twice shy so the saying goes.

    Another scenario is the girl the guy is interested in isn't showing any signs of interest in him. So the guy tries to ask her out, but then gets a weird look, or like, where is this coming from sort of answer from the girl. This ruins the friendship or he's always going to feel awkward around this girl from now on. Especially if he's liked her for a long time.

    Also, most girls I've heard, likes a guy to approach them with confidence. That's a lot easier to do when you get an inclination that the girl has some interest in you. But if you go blind, it takes a little more razzle-dazzle or more charm to catch a woman's interest. Depending I guess on the situation and environment. That's why it's a bad idea for women looking for a true relationship to try and find someone in a club setting. A club is like an arena where the fittest and most confident and strongest survive. It's also competition based because of this fact. So if you're going to a club, in a guy's mind, it's all about competition and if I am the better guy than any other guy in there tonight for one woman I choose. So you have to have even more testosterone or exude more cockiness to gain the confidence and strength to be the with the most charm, best attitude, best looking out of many with the same look, style, ability, etc. in the arena.

    • Without the complimentary characteristics of femininity, masculinity can not survive. And we crave masculine men, those men who are strong enough to put up with our bullsh*t and still love us when we don't deserve it. WOMEN SPEAK UP! Wouldn't you love to f**k up any and still feel accepted and wanted? MEN WANTED! Wouldn't you love to be admired for not being judgmental?

  • More shy guys, more single girls! Not a bad thing at all! ))) As for your last question, - no, a first move from a girl is not desperate. Confident girls are sexy, and no, that does'nt automatically means she want only sex.

  • no it is not desperate and f*** double standards

    • hahaha you think you are a tough guy asailum?

    • guys like this loser bitch and complain about the way they wish life was (girls flocking to losers) and expect others to care... bahahaha

  • Wow...all this sexism in just a few sentences. Its not about men being afraid of rejection, if you're out and attractive...they likely assume you already have a man and have enough respect commonly to not step on other peoples toes. No men don't have to be the only person that asks someone out...you are a grown up now, and this isn't the fifties where you have to sit by the phone and wait for some suitor to come a-calling. You are supposed to try to pretend to be strong and independant for yourself...do attempt to learn to be. You are better than assuming someone should come up to you...thats...almost arrogant. "Im sitting over HERE. Yeah I like him, but IM NOT getting up...if HE wants to talk he should come to ME!" I mean...it sounds selfish arrogant, cocky, and even childish...youre better than that. The next time YOU see a man YOU like...dont wait for him to come to you, don't wait for some other girl to chat him up, just stand your own butt up and go offer to buy him a beer. Every guy likes a girl who is assertive and aggressive and can speak the truth about the things she wants. You go do that to a guy...just come up and start chatting with him...and damn if you don't have a date!

    • The Sexism is great! Let it all ride ... it has been far too long returning to society.

      We WANT men different from women = > Puts all the fun back into the equation :)

  • I already answered this question many times in other questions, check here for a couple of possible background influences on why men are complete p****** link

    To add to it, there's a lot of unconscious "programming" that happens everyday growing up that makes men shoot themselves down before they try. Only some few people break through those societal pressures and live unihibited to go for what they want and do what they want.

    • big deal, so what?

    • and also, the guys on here that say they would like chicks to approach them are the guys who also expect to follow the girl around like a puppy and please her. A confident guy likes the shy feminine traits of a girl which those outgoing forward girls completely contradict.

  • It just seems dumb to make a move unless the girl gives some kind of obvious signal she wants you to because so many girls have so many guy friends you can never tell if you're in the friend zone or not. If I'm in the friend zone and make some move on a girl she's going to either classify me as a man whore or everything will be awkward after that and the friendship will pretty much end.

  • Hey, why not wait for a girl to initiate? Then we know they're interested. When you're asked, you're in the position of power, to reject or accept. When you do the asking, you're in the position of weakness.

  • I can play any card in the deck of 52 girl. Confident, shy, cocky, asshole you name it I have done them all and most of it leads to no where. If you want a material approach which most women do, such as "let's go get coffee sometime" or "would you like a protein shake?" even a simple "hi how are you?" to test the waters. Most women are irritated with being approached. They're more likely to make you out to be a stalker in a gym by telling on you at the front desk. I seen this before myself and laughed. Most men aren't going to waste his invaluable time with some girl who is boring, does nothing but lay around in the sun all day, swims, eats, then more sun tan lotion. Fixes herself up etc. If you want a guy so bad to approach you that you like stop crying about it. Do what men do keep trying! As for myself I'm tired of the bullsh*t, don't like the constant games and have found more happiness being alone and not annoyed. It's work that usually goes no where. Most guys will wait for the girl since they know this way the girl is serious possibly. In the mean time men are busy with work, hobbies etc. Looking to make forward progress in his chosen endeavors. Women are just spoiled and selfish and want it all handed to them because they think their pu$$y is worth gold LOL! The amount of dumb questions and conversation with women is enough to drive me away. I get that enough from my own mother. Don't need a second one.

  • In my case, it's not that I'm afraid to approach or make a move, but that I'm not attractive. To date, I know of one girl that has ever been attracted to me at all. I have lots of female friends and I've done plenty of asking out, and the only girl I've dated was the one that asked ME. I'm more than willing to make a move, and I don't fear women, try to manipulate them, or try to use them for sex. I'm just not attractive, so there's no point.

    Here's a fun paradox:

    Guy approaches a girl and asks for a number/date: too forward/creepy

    Guy tries to get to know a girl before asking for a date: friend

    Hot guy approaches a girl and asks for a number/sex: confident/sexy

    It really does come down to looks and approach more than anything else. It might not keep a girl around, but you can't get in the door without it.

    • Dude, look at some of the monkeys that young pretty girls are dating. Believe me looks have nothing to do with it. Learn to be a jerk and you will get more girls than you know what to do with.

    • It's usually not about looks. And if so, sorry. Do you want to be with someone who is willing to sacrifice happiness for a visual? Yeah, I'm into attractive men as well and yet, oh wonder, the ones who got me really interested where introverts, not stunningly handsome men. I'd say average looking. Perhaps my weiring has been messed with. Someone call a technician, please! ;)

  • Because people don't want to validate their undesirableness. And, as you have noticed, it's mostly aggressive assholes who approach these days. Why is that? Who's changed more in the last couple of generations, men or women?

  • As one female said " the trick is to decide which one you want and then try to make it seem like it is his idea" If they are going to make all the decisions it is easier to wait and just be "selected". The only problem with this is that you will get the desperate ones as well...

    • Aren't you old enough to tell someone politely to f*** off? ;) Ahem...Seriously, before you make a "move" she's been sending signals that you caught anyways. Even when she didn't notice you. That's what you respond to more than a visual in spite of what's said about the visuality (is that even a word?) of men...And yes, there are many desperate women as well as many desperate men out there.

    • Why should anyone waste their time trying to plant an idea in someone elses head ?

      That encourages deceit. It makes things really awkward. If some1 plant an idea, it would be difficult to NOT think the other was doing the same. Everything suddenly has a double meaning.

      People say don't read into things, at the same time are encouraged to waste their time, trying to get others read into things. That's on par with expecting somr1 to learn ONLY how to speak a language without hearing it spoke.

  • I actually really am that scare of rejection. I fear it so much I almost avoid girls all together. I don't have any female friends and stuff. It would mean everything to me if I was noticed and liked because my fear is too strong that no matter how much I like a girl I can't ask her out.

    • Not really anyone my age

    • Do you have any pretty fems in your family you could go out with? They can support you as wingwomen... ;)

  • Seriously as a man who has been dumped by nearly ev ery woman I have went out with, I am terrified of woman and rejection. It takes me a long to recovery from rejection and I still suffer bad self image problems from the cruel things that were said to me. I have been single for nearly 20 years, and have only dated a few times but that was enough. Lame huh? I am a good guy, and not bad looking, I guess I just don't have what they were looking for. I was always to nice, buying flowers and stuff. Trying to work out our differences when she was being a bitch to me, and thinking...Man this guy just doesn't have a clue...Oh well, I am happy now, and can take care of myself...Maybe someday I'll meet the right kind of girl.

  • afraid of failure

    • Comprehensible. What if I told you that you can't be perfect anyway? Once you've reached a certain point you're focusing on the next goal. How can you ever be perfect? My motto is: “I'm perfect in my imperfections!” Take it or leave it. Perhaps it's time to embrace your charismatic, non-perfect side. With more self acceptance grows the acceptance of others. You attract what you feel, not what you think or wish for.

  • I'm afraid for reasons that I have conjured up in my head and should really be of no significant concern. Basically, I'm f***ed up.

  • i don't like making the move. if she wants something, then, she should make the move. that's how it works.

    if she doesnt, its ok.. I didn't lose anything LOL, its gonna be all the same.

    • Yes, and it's always going to be the same old emptiness within you, the same old bullsh*t you keep telling yourself of why you are waiting for a woman to make a move, the same old sh*t you dig yourself into until you sweat it? Aren't you sick of feeling powerless? Don't you want to be initiative, courageous, stunningly bold? F*** FEAR!

      BJJFighter (you even carry that alias), you can win this game. Don't wuss out! You'll leave a greater wound than you could imagine...at this point.

    • i think this is fine. whatever works.

  • I am the exact guy you are describing...both the shy afraid to make a move guy, and the asshole. This is what I finally realized...I am an asshole to girls I don't respect because I know I can sleep with them and then never have to deal with them again, ie. I could careless what they think about me. On the other side, I have never had a problem getting girls...and it took me up until law school when I actually had to ask out girls to realize that every hookup I have ever had or girl I dated was because SHE made the first move. Now I often find myself being extremely shy, somewhat awkward when there is a girl I actually like because I have never had to ask a girl out! It's not that I am afraid of 'rejection' I think it is more as if I have to be 'the perfect guy' which leads me to not act myself...

  • I think the bigger question is... Why do we still live in a society where guys are always pressured to make the first moves?

    • Here's the deal: IT'S YOUR ENERGY!

      Breathe it in...slowly and let it fill you up. *grin* It's the initiative you, as a male, are naturally equipped with. It's yours for the taking. You want to be in a position of being taken? That's kinky! Want me to pull out my whip, too? ;)

    • no reason, none at all. its retarded.

  • Rejection.

    Besides, why are girls STILL so afraid to make any move at all even now?

    • This is mind blowingly interesting! (Never mind my grammar, I make it up as I go along ...). EQUALITY! What a word! I wonder who made that up...Must have been the power hungry coalition of the feminist rights movements...The one's, who valued masculine impact more then female intuition. I mean, I'm not afraid of rejection and yet I'm female. My spell goes something like this "I already have the rejection. All I can win is a 'yes'". Try it. It's powerful!

    • Indeed.

    • Girls intimidation isn't greater or less than guys intimidation asking someone out. You want equality? Take it. Take the risks we males take.

    • Show Older
  • Most guys don't think about things like whether a girl is desperate or just wants sex . If an average guy is approached by a girl they are attracted to, they are happy just to be able to talk to them.

    The reason guys are afraid to approach girls is because most of them play stupid head games with us and try to make it seem like they're not interested when they are and other stupid B.S. like that. Well, guess what? If a girl starts acting that way to me, I move on to the next girl. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    Women need to stop with all the games if they want this to change. If you like a guy and you think he might like you. Why don't you step up YOUR game a little bit? At least meet us 1/3rd of the way there! Is that too much to ask? Throw a couple random friendly smiles his way out of the blue... Let him catch you looking at him... Anything!


    • " the trick is to decide which one you want and then try to make it seem like it is his idea"

      thats what women are told to do. NNOT tell you they like u. most guys think it makes her look desperate.

      I would not bother trying to trick a person, or with anyone who thinks being straightforward is desperate, but maybe many people go with it.

  • Im super late to this but to make a long story short I will explain a bit here.I myself as a cute/hot guy am not scared of getting rejected by a beautiful girl.To tell you the truth I think most guys don't really know what they are really afraid of when it comes time to talking to a pretty girl.I can easily carry on a conversation with an ugly girl well because she's ugly, but when it comes time to talking with a pretty girl now that's when things get hard and its difficult to carry on a conversation and not making a fool of oneself.Most of us guys really prefer for a pretty girl to make the first move but some guys actually do make the first move.Same goes for the girl,girls always expect the guy to make the first move either because they are shy or because they are afraid of rejection.I understand that its the guy that has to make the first move but it can be pretty dam hard sometimes.0.o

    • most girls are not afraid-- except on gag. & it does not have to be the guys first move. you want to believe that. that's your choice.

  • you sound like an expert why don't you tell us what to do exactly.

  • Me I don't approach girl cuzz of my shyness, or either cuzz they I might not be there type I have thing for girlies you know the ones who wear those boots, dress all nice that's why I myself had to change my style I use to be a baggie boy, but now I change my style into a pretty boy swagg! I usually have more girls now starring at me smiling at me and now sometimes I get a Hi from girls to!

    Well I'm a shy Guy and I never asked a girl out. I've notice girls smiling starring at me you know maybe they try to get my attention so I can make a move is that what you girls do to get a guys attention? Oh what do you do? Cuzz I know its usually the guys job to make the move but me! I never been in a serious relationship cuzz of my shyness/; and I'm already 18 I'm not gonna lie I do dress nice I have colored eyes that's how I usually get girls smiling at me I think I don't really know if a girl likes me or not cuzz damn is really hard to know if a girls likes us cuzz they don't really show it/; they wait for us to make a move

  • All of the answers are going to be generalizations, but as a man that rarely asks girls out, I'll try to talk from personal experience where I can.

    You seem to have broken down men into 2 groups, the "cocky asshole" and the proverbial "nice guy." All men are at least a little of both, but we'll assume that those are the two main groups.

    About the "cocky asshole": this guy doesn't give a sh*t what you think about him. He doesn't care about you, he cares about him, and what you can do for him.He may be nice to you, but ultimately the reason he has so much confidence when he talks to you is because at the end of the day, you and your opinion do not matter to him, or his opinion of himself. He can be funny and charming but when you get right down to it, the person he thinks about and considers most is himself. The cocky asshole is willing to walk right up to you and ask you out, without knowing you at all, because whether you say yes or no, since you don't matter, his ego will remain intact.He also is pretty shameless, and won't worry about what someone else will think if he's asking out a girl based solely on her looks.

    The proverbial "nice guy": Let me preface this - I don't know a single nice guy that will ask out a stranger. A nice guy needs to pretty much already be friends to ask you out. Nice guys won't ask you out based on your looks alone, that sh*t is shallow so they'll want to take the time to get to know you in a friendship level. Once you're friends, and he thinks you might be a potential match, he probably still won't ask you out. He cares what you think, and you're friends, so the rejection is a lot more personal. Since a nice guy cares what you think, instead of being confident and nonchalant about asking you out, he'll be nervous. unfortunately, "nervousness" pretty much translates directly to "creepiness." Don't get me wrong, you've probably been asked out by some creepy guys, but most of them were probably genuinely nice fellows that were just nervous, because you mattered to them.


    other thoughts:

    "innocent til proven guilty" is the moniker for the justice system. in dating today, it's basically "stalker/rapist til proven otherwise." I really hate how this one has worked out. There are so many crazy people out there that women have to protect themselves by keeping men at a significant distance. As a nice guy, I understand why women do it, but it doesn't change the fact that it's *extremely* offensive to be treated this way. I guess the way things work out is that it's really tough for women to tell which guys are just a little nervous and which guys are crazy, which results in more rejection for the nice guy, and more reluctance to ask out or even show interest in the next girl.

    • I love this! I agree with you totally. I know it's 3 months down the road with the kudos, but you are right and it's a shame more women don't see it this way.

    • I had a lot more but it's too much trouble to copy paste into here in 500 character chunks :(

  • Not afraid, just sometimes now there is insufficient upside to bother. Rebalancing gender power has been a necessary and good thing, still needed in some parts of the world.

    It means now though that women are in a greater position to humiliate and damage someone they reject, should they decide to. Hence it is a higher hurdle to outweigh this greater risk needed to ask the question.

    > Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate?

    No, it is flattering and validating. I never unstood why some women asked by someone they thought out of their league, regarded the guy as an a$$hole? The guy has still just paid her a big compliment, no? Or is the blow to her ego that someone more ordinary in terms of superficial attraction thought her his equal?

    > OR assume they just want sex from them?

    I'd never assume that about a woman. That way if I'm wrong there's an upside I like very much, if not I lost nothing. With no expectation, there is much lower risk of speaking or acting in a way that can be misconstrued. It is a sad thing in some ways, but flirting that people enjoyed has now been curtailed by the risk of being sued for saying or doing something non PC.

  • I'm not afraid of rejection, but I have come to a point where I expect it. And if I know I'm going to be rejected, why on earth would I put myself out there and approach a girl/make a move? It's simply not worth my time to get my hopes up and have them dashed over and over again. There are more valuable things I can do with my time then get rejected by girls. If a girl were to ask me out, I might go out with her, but I would be suspicious of her motives. I'm probably doomed to be single forever because of this (and it frustrates me daily) but it is what it is.

    • its kind of a paradox, because they absolutely won't approach us.

  • yeah before you go insulting everyone, think of their back grounds, me for example I've always struggled making friends, I'm always too smart and logical, and for crying out loud, I was always the last one to be picked on any compulsory sporting activity at school or any team event , so how do you think that makes us feel? lonely? rejected? ignored? and what do we do? push our feelings inside because there the things that always get hurt and no matter how much you hope this get better they never do, until the point where they are now so deep, you don't know who you are anymore, its society's f***ing fault.

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What Girls Said 24

  • I think it's because lately guys have been really into the whole "bad boys always get the girl" theory, so if they really like a girl they assume that she'll reject them if they don't fit the bad boy image.

  • have you ever asked a girl out... no? its really nerve racking

  • whats wrong with girls going after what they want? why is taking charge a masculine thing? it's the 21'st century, quit being so sexist

    • 3mo

      there are sure some 19th century thinkers on this site

    • yeah that's true but doesn't mean it has to be that way

  • lol Because they get chatted up by women on the way to walking over to you...

  • It's a really scary thing. that's why the cocky ones are able to do it. I guess if you want them to ask you you have to make it easy for them , let them know you are interested make them feel confident that they might get yes.

    when you have asked guys out how did that work?

  • Guys have to have confidence in themselves to ask a girl out. Some are mostly like cocky and jerks if they approach a girl to only have sex unless that girl is OK with it.

    Some guys may genuinely not be interested in a relationship. A lot are non commital. Girls who ask guys out are not necessarily desperate. they can be really hot and guys are generally intimdated by them, so the girl makes the move or helps it along.

  • I think they want us to act like the pro. haha. What I mean is that they think that we think that they are just using us, sjo they let you make the first move to show that they aren't.

  • GREAT question, am off to check out the answers from the guys! It's a bugbear of mine, I don't approach guys, I'm too shy and I guess I'm old-fashioned, I want the guy to make the first move!

  • I don't think it's rejection they're afraid of, rather than ruining what's going good, or getting hurt in the long run. There's more to it than just rejection. All guys are different.

  • Its kinda sad. I thought this was the 21st cetury

    • Well I wouldn't say I'm 'right wing anti-feminist', but I like the guy to approach me because I have old fashioned values; I still like the chair pulled out for me, the door held open etc. I think feminism killed all those lovely old things men used to do for us and changed their opinion of women completely. It is SUCH a shame! :(

    • I know, I can't believe some girls today. THe right wing anti feminist " He has to approach me" mentality has infected women young and old and the backlash is that men are getting sick of us and ignoring us.

  • They are afraid of rejection

  • Unfortunately this question is asked frequently and there seems to be no consensus as to the reason(s) why fewer and fewer men/boys/guys etc. are willing to approach women. Rejection the obvious answer is the primary reason, but what rarely is discussed is the dynamics and reasoning behind rejection and the fear of rejection.

    Some women believe men and men alone should always take the initiative, to do otherwise is unmanly and even socially inappropriate. Others in contrast are quite assertive in their behavior toward men, believing that to make such critical choice like a companion or just casual boyfriend their options must be broader than the women who rely entirely on the man making the first move. This is more common with well educated women who have usually invested a lot in career and are adamant about not getting into a bad relationship. They reason that by approaching men they are essentially expanding the field of possibilities from which to choose. They are always getting offers, especially from the jerks. So that combined with pursuing on their own raises their chances of starting a relationship that they initiated. This gives women a feeling of empowerment and reduces the odds of a bad relationship.

    In the last half century the woman's movement has made possibilities for women that didn't exist in my mothers generation. The progress has improved our lives in so many ways. In this evolution our demeanor and even some of our basic personalities have taken a change for the better. More assertive, outspoken and responsible. We have learned that we don't need men financially. We can earn our own way in the world. In this new found freedom we have become something of a threat to SOME men, actually a shrinking minority of men. Mostly over 60 now. For the most part the ones under 60 have taken the journey with us and for the most part been supportive.

    In this period of great change, the signals men and women send to one another have also changed, the problem is we are suffering from a communication gap between the sexes that has both men and women very confused and frustrated with one another. "Is he interested in me or did I read it wrong?" "Should I call her or will she think I'm pushy?" We are tripping all over each other and it's driving us crazy. Especially the guys who have been supportive of women advancing and have to put up neanderthal women who insist they be like cavemen, yes there's actually a woman on this site who believes that primal instinct crappola. We don't have to go running after guys like bitches in heat or act like street girls. But this attitude that we can't approach men is hurting women more than it hurts men.

    Men are changing too and discovering they don't need women. Especially the shy ones. After what they've been through and the rejection all of them have experienced, they simply stay single and alone. And we women? Do you think we end up any different? If you would like to...

    • Thank you for that insight. I agree, I read what those animals wrote. It's a wonder more men don't just throw in the towel and forget about us.

    • If only more women would listen

    • Do you think we end up any different? You do. The shy guy never gets a first kiss, a girlfriend, a partner to share life with and because he is a single male he can never have kids or even adopt children because of his gender. While the girl goes out and *has her fun* with multiple guys and when no one wants her she can still have a family, she can still have kids, because of her gender can still adopt.

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  • people are often afraid to make a move because of the fear of rejection.

  • Thank you, I would like an answer to this question too please. The age of man is evaporating.

    • I just fancy an "alpha male", which seems to be a dying breed of man these days.

    • I get the feeling that 'synmar' and 'jennifer8' have different definitions of "the age of man".

    • let's fu(king hope so!

  • It boils down to rejection.The same reason girls don't bother to ask a guy out or the same reason a girl may be shy around their interest. No one wants to be rejected.Girls asking guys out does not equate to desperation,sex etc. It does equate to boldness and being awesome! I've spoken to guys who loved the idea of a girl asking them out!

  • If a guy made a move and a girl rejected them, the guy's ego would be hurt, and that is one thing guys need the most! The need their ego to be up so girls would be intrested them!

  • I kinda have this problem. There are actually quite a few guys that do make the moves on me, but unfortunately I'm just not interested in them. There is one guy that I'm actually interested in, but he doesn't seem to be into me. I want to ask him out, but I'm scared of rejection too. I understand what you mean guys. There are so many things that go through my mind...

    1. What if I'm not pretty enough?

    2. What if he doesn't like girls to make the first move?

    3. What if I'm not his type?

    4. If he was interested, he would have at least come over and talk to me... :(

    Ugh... annoying.

    • I can definitely see how that is confusing. I don't even know why girls do that. But you probably dodged a bullet with that girl. She's probably bipolar. lol

    • I had a girl chase me and one day I tried talking to her only to get rejected. Left me confused, hurt and not trusting girls much anymore.

  • If a person doesn't have the courage to ask a a girl out, that must mean the girls is not on his level. Maybe that guys should find more girls who are on his level to ask out; he'll have more confidence this way.

    • So, logically, what you must be saying is that some guys are just screwed regardless of what they do. That's just wonderful.

    • I didn't say it would raise it.

    • And this would raise his so-called 'level'? How does that make sense?

  • i get what your saying but I also feel the guys, rejection is a big thing & no one likes that, girls sometimes forget to make those little signals that give him the green light, if not they have no idea if your in a relationship or think they're ugly...so a nice smile his way or a look that lasts a bit long can give the guy the push he needs...but granted I know plenty of times I say to myself (damn it just come over & talk to me) but the guy won't & funny story was with someone I saw every time on my way to work via the train...did the whole staring thing & then I had enough so I grew some & plain & simple said "hey you got a girl?...he said no...so I said you got a number? & he gave it to me" hahahaha I was really nervous & was like shhh what if he thinks I'm crazy or if I get rejected...guys go through that every time...but yeah a lot of time if the guy had a better approach then ppssttt hey you...or the whistle then it would work better. hahahha

    • I like your style. You took control. I had a girl stare at me, follow me and one day I did what you did (I offered my number) and I got REJECTED! Never been more confused in my life over that one. It taught me women are unpredictable and change their minds quickly.

  • It's why the jerks get the girls. "Nice" guys like to feel sorry for themselves by saying it's because they are nice that they don't get girls when in reality, it's because they aren't assertive. Early bird gets the worm! I agree that any guy that likes you, jerk or nice, should be able to tell you. What's the worse that can happen? You say no. There are 3 billion other fish in the sea, life moves on. Despite any advances in gender role expectations, we do still live in a patriarchal society and men are still (and will always be) the dominant sex due to their strength and size, therefore I think society will always feel a need (and women biologically) to expect a man to assert himself since he holds more societal power. However, there will always be guys who are introverted, shy, passive, etc, and sadly they allow a good girl to pass them by because they can't bring themselves to just ask and by the time they finally get around to it, she's with someone else. My words of encouragement are for men of all types to just go for it. Women should feel that freedom too.

    • "I've noticed you're full of responses, but haven't got the courage to respond."

      That doesn't make sense. If they haven't got the courage to respond, then how do you know they are full of responses? o_O

    • Amazing how a 19 year old is already more mature than a 31 year old.

    • WOW! From What century did you just crawl?

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  • I think many guys are just lazy - too lazy to work for something they want.

    But in their defense sometimes it's just hard to tell if someone's worth working for (I mean nowadays it's not like girls are looking for a husband, they just look for a good partner, so it's more a matter of mutual interest than economic necessity to date someone...so both parties are kinda hesistant if someone is worth their time and money to spend on), so I think if you want to get to know a guy, just try to get to know him.

    If he decides that you're his type, he should be able to ask you out though.

    The guy I'm just dating - well, I liked him and he liked me but he didn't call me, so I called him, just like that and after a few conversations he invited me for dinner and that's how it started. I call him still a bit more often than he does, but he was always the one to ask me out. Maybe I made it too easy for him, but I don't think so. Some guys even then won't ask you out and then I would just let it be.

    • 1mo

      that has to be the stupidest thing ever written on this site, and that's fu (king *STUPID*

  • i know eh! Just ask a girl out- text her as much as you want--- we like the attention. Just ask us. The worst thing is you get a no, the best...who knows

    • OMG I would laugh my balls off if a girl said that to me. Seriously, that would be cool! She would be one interesting pyscho bitch, but in no way would that hurt my ego.

    • That's not always true. There is a guy that likes me. He is constantly text me and responding to ALL of my posts on Facebook. I have already told him that I'm interested in someone else, but he just doesn't get it. So guys, yes try it! (because we do like the attention), but if she tells you that she's not interested, no worries... on to the next!

    • honestly, I would never say that to a guy---ever ... and any girl who does---deserves to be alone for the rest of her life. ...

      And I think its worth it for a guy to go through rejection --- no pleasant -- but it stops them from posting question for a 3rd party to answer lol

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  • Wow...some really great answers here but I'll throw this out there too.

    Is it possible that in today's society we don't put as much value on kindness as we did in years past? I mean just good old ordinary "giving others the benefit of the doubt"?

    I'd be curious to know what the guys have experienced...just HOW they've been rejected? (How rude or thoughtless can women be?)

    I read an article recently about how guys often times get a bad wrap. I had to agree. MANY guys are decent. Many are willing to work and be committed to the wife and family. It's the few cocky, player types that spoil the image. Guys DO have feelings. They do need hugs, encouragement, etc but being men they can't be as open with their feelings as women, particularly in public. Guys will open up with a woman they feel safe with. As women, we must be careful not to betray that trust. I digress...

    Bad experiences with one individual are easily transferred to the whole. For example, one truck driver on drugs kills a family on the highway and everyone "hates" truckers. A person of a certain ethnicity commits a crime and we think everyone of that decent is a criminal.

    We must be careful with these types of judgments and with stereotypes. If we let them determine our behavior we'll certainly be giving off some hateful vibes to undeserving recipients.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that if women behaved more as ladies and were honest but kind and appreciative when responding to a request for a date, perhaps more guys would be willing to take the risks associated with such initiations.

    ALL guys are NOT after sex. ALL guys aren't either jerks or wimps. AND to be fair, ALL women aren't hateful, Gold Diggers. LOL

    • I think part of the problem is that so many girls like the cocky jerks, so when the rest of us see this we just back off because the loud mouth jerks are the one who they seem to like, not the rest of us! I used to get upset over this but in time I learned my place. There is actually a great feeling of freedom once we just give up and pretty much ignore chicks

    • I have asked 3 women out before and all 3 ended in embarassment. The last time I asked a girl out I found out she had a boyfriend afterward and him and two other guys beat me up for it. Its been 3 years since I asked any women out. Does that mean I haven't found any women I would want to ask out no. I just don't feel comfortable putting myself in a position like that.

    • Lockjawx27, I'll take the age comment as a compliment and I'll add a tidbit of advice for you and eSHkidd, why not learn from your negative experiences rather than giving up so easily? What characteristics did these "evil" women share? What warning signs did you see? What sort of traits do you want your girl to have? How can things can you look for in a girl to see what sort of character she has? I'm sure you can come up with some good searching questions of your own. Good luck to you both.

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  • Just some quick thoughts. Even though the times are changing for the better for today's woman, they seem like it's the 18th century when it comes to asking out a guy. OK we all know about the loud overconfident jerk. Well, won't you at least admit that is the type of guy who always gets the girl. It makes me mad as hell but that is a sad even pathetic fact, that women from young teen girls right up to my age (40yo) fall for the "Smooth BSers" who end up making them miserable but they fall for it anyway. Time after time . Year after year I see nice, beautiful and intelligent women make the worst decisions about guys and the price they pay is tremendous.

    Now to my point. Wanna know the best kept secret in the world? In the population of these "Shy Guys"? Their are some GEMS. And I mean great men. Men who believe it or not ARE confident and successful. They just happen NOT to be confident with women! Most of them are at least good natured and usually more friendly than we think. Once we start talking to them we'll see them loosen up and more importantly open up. What we girls have yet to learn is that despite all our obvious differences, men and women share many of the same reservations and insecurities. That shouldn't make us undesirable people, but in this very judgmental world it hits shy people the hardest, especially the guys.

    For heaven sake don't miss a chance if you really like a guy. If you don't approach you'll never know. Just the fact that you are interested enough to ask this question puts you well ahead of the young women in your age group who are going to learn MEN101 the hard way. Good luck to you. I hope you find the guy of your dreams.

    • I can't disagree with what you said, it makes perfect sense. Maybe the hardest blow next to a girls rejection is to see the kind of neanderthal idiots they actually do go out with. That's the most insulting part. Talk about a punch in the self esteem!

    • Thank you for giving hope in a world (and website) that is hostile to decent people.

    • That was great dear,,,kinda like the words,,,are you in a relationship,,?would like to be your friend,,