Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

Question

It seems like more and more lately I've noticed or heard from my guy friends and my own personal experience is  that even if they really like a girl, they'll wait for her to initiate or make a move. I understand girls can ask out guys as well, but I just think more men should stop being scared and go out for what they want. Granted, I do ask out guys occasionally, but most the time I just wait for them. Unfortunately, the type of guys that usually ask myself or my friends out seem to be the over confident or cocky assholes.  Men, are you really that afraid of rejection that you can't ask out the girl you like?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Unfortunately this question is asked frequently and there seems to be no consensus as to the reason(s) why fewer and fewer men/boys/guys etc. are willing to approach women. Rejection the obvious answer is the primary reason, but what rarely is discussed is the dynamics and reasoning behind rejection and the fear of rejection.

Some women believe men and men alone should always take the initiative, to do otherwise is unmanly and even socially inappropriate. Others in contrast are quite assertive in their behavior toward men, believing that to make such critical choice like a companion or just casual boyfriend their options must be broader than the women who rely entirely on the man making the first move. This is more common with well educated women who have usually invested a lot in career and are adamant about not getting into a bad relationship. They reason that by approaching men they are essentially expanding the field of possibilities from which to choose. They are always getting offers, especially from the jerks. So that combined with pursuing on their own raises their chances of starting a relationship that they initiated. This gives women a feeling of empowerment and reduces the odds of a bad relationship.

In the last half century the woman's movement has made possibilities for women that didn't exist in my mothers generation. The progress has improved our lives in so many ways. In this evolution our demeanor and even some of our basic personalities have taken a change for the better. More assertive, outspoken and responsible. We have learned that we don't need men financially. We can earn our own way in the world. In this new found freedom we have become something of a threat to SOME men, actually a shrinking minority of men. Mostly over 60 now. For the most part the ones under 60 have taken the journey with us and for the most part been supportive.

In this period of great change, the signals men and women send to one another have also changed, the problem is we are suffering from a communication gap between the sexes that has both men and women very confused and frustrated with one another. "Is he interested in me or did I read it wrong?" "Should I call her or will she think I'm pushy?" We are tripping all over each other and it's driving us crazy. Especially the guys who have been supportive of women advancing and have to put up neanderthal women who insist they be like cavemen, yes there's actually a woman on this site who believes that primal instinct crappola. We don't have to go running after guys like bitches in heat or act like street girls. But this attitude that we can't approach men is hurting women more than it hurts men.

Men are changing too and discovering they don't need women. Especially the shy ones. After what they've been through and the rejection all of them have experienced, they simply stay single and alone. And we women? Do you think we end up any different? If you would like to...

Taken-lady · Accepted Answer

Wow...some really great answers here but I'll throw this out there too.

Is it possible that in today's society we don't put as much value on kindness as we did in years past? I mean just good old ordinary "giving others the benefit of the doubt"?

I'd be curious to know what the guys have experienced...just HOW they've been rejected? (How rude or thoughtless can women be?)

I read an article recently about how guys often times get a bad wrap. I had to agree. MANY guys are decent. Many are willing to work and be committed to the wife and family. It's the few cocky, player types that spoil the image. Guys DO have feelings. They do need hugs, encouragement, etc but being men they can't be as open with their feelings as women, particularly in public. Guys will open up with a woman they feel safe with. As women, we must be careful not to betray that trust. I digress...

Bad experiences with one individual are easily transferred to the whole. For example, one truck driver on drugs kills a family on the highway and everyone "hates" truckers. A person of a certain ethnicity commits a crime and we think everyone of that decent is a criminal.

We must be careful with these types of judgments and with stereotypes. If we let them determine our behavior we'll certainly be giving off some hateful vibes to undeserving recipients.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if women behaved more as ladies and were honest but kind and appreciative when responding to a request for a date, perhaps more guys would be willing to take the risks associated with such initiations.

ALL guys are NOT after sex. ALL guys aren't either jerks or wimps. AND to be fair, ALL women aren't hateful, Gold Diggers. LOL

Doctor_Andromeda · Accepted Answer

I'm speaking from personal experience and from friends I have, that girls like it when guys ask them out. It seems to indicate that the guy in question is confident not to mention that the girl gets a sort of medevil kick out of being the one asked. I'm not saying that girls shouldn't ask guys out, just that if they guy likes the girl or vise versa that the one who doing the "liking" should be the one to ask. Having guys not ask simply because they are afraid of what the girl might say is silly and waiting for the girl to ask you out is not a solution, the girl might be totally oblivious to the way you feel and be trying to not let on her feelings about you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. Besides, girls can ask guys out but they seem more unlikely to. Girls tend to expect the guy to be the first one to make a move. Guys, don't be so frightened of what we'll say =) we may surprise you xx

bluntkrayon · Accepted Answer

Well lets boil it down past the sexes issue. People are generally afraid of rejection, plain and simple. Who really likes to get their ego smashed to pieces, and regularly if they're trying all the time? It will be very detrimental to your self-esteem, and probably start causing other mental issues.

I personally hate it with a passion. That's why I don't ask certain girls out, because of this rejection factor. I do ask girls out, and I usually do get rejected, but by that time, I've already mentally prepared myself to accept that there's nothing going to happen between us; i.e. ready to accept to be in the friend zone. But I will not go up to a girl I don't know, and ask her out. The chances of rejection are so high, and at these times, you can never mentally prepare for this, because like an anonymous poster wrote, there are so many ways a girl can turn a guy down these days.

Now I think it was easier back in the hey day, because their was inequality (I'm not pro in-equality, but here this out), and we had roles we all played. Guys would ask girls out, and that was that. A girl could accept or deny. But given that the gender roles are nowadays ever changing, anything can happen, and in different method. I've always thought that back in the hey day, that if a girl was going to reject your advances, although they'd be flattering, she would do it gracefully, and the gentleman (I'm assuming) would also accept the rejection gratefully.

But these days, some girls are given so much power in this dynamic, that they can flame you till your chargrilled, and would reject you not so gracefully. Actually some make it a public spectacle. A girl will speak her mind (which I'm all for), but sometimes, when she does speak her mind, it comes out more hurtful, than being a nice person; some want to take you to task, for even contemplating asking them out.

Also, it's been stated below, that some would see you as a creep. No longer is it flattering if a guy were to ask you out, and you'd reject him. Now, it seems that you're a creep for even thinking about it. Imagined if you asked around work / school / uni, about her - the creep factor has multiplied exponentially. Tell me that this isn't a smash to someone's confidence, and self-esteem. I don't think I've seen a guy reject a girl humiliatingly before (but that's probably because the girl isn't asking the guy out in the first place...haha)

Although some things have changed since equality has been raised as an issue, that doesn't mean everything has progressed in the same fashion - if we were equal, guys and girls would be asking each other out.

And you're right, guys should man up, and just ask girls out. But there will always be the fear factor which will hold them back, and sometimes, the risks don't justify the benefits.

Mesonfielde · Accepted Answer

Why would we go out for something we can't have? :P Fighting in a battle you have lost seems to be an illogical and stupid idea. Why ask if you already know she'd say no.

Apparently guys either wait like girls used to wait or they just admire from afar and don't really want to confront about this matter at all. Why? Easy, girls should especially know this, as girls do the exact same thing.

Girls stare at that "marvellously charming" guy who doesn't even realize that she's staring at him, and wait day by day that eventually he would notice and reciprocate her feelings, ask her out, and make her be happy. That's how it goes for girls... And that's really similar to how it goes for guys - we are all human, we're not all that different. Guys just sit there, knowing that the girl has no idea how much he admires her, and just wait until there's no hope left anymore.

So why is this beneficial, considering he gets nothing? Easy, he doesn't lose anything. If you establish contact with a girl, you talk a lot through MSN and become "great friends", and develop feelings for her... then she tells you "I actually just see you as a friend, but now that you have told me, I'll just avoid you so you'll also forget about your feelings. I don't really care how much it hurts, because it's your problem, not mine." And you even lose her friendship, because girls cannot handle the "after-rejection" well, either. The relation between them is "just not the same". The girl avoids you, hides from you, hates you and wants you to go far, far away and never see her again, despite how she used to lie that you are a great friend of her. Yes, a disposable one.

LONG STORY SHORT: Guys can be intimidated because being told "no" is a negative feedback saying "you are not worthy enough to get together with me", and despite how it's just a two-letter word, it stays with you for years, and it consumes every bit of your self-esteem. Also, girls start to avoid you after rejecting you, even if they considered you a friend, hence why it's not worth "just telling them how you feel", as they cannot handle the truth.

mike5150 · Answer

I don't know if I answered this or not I don't really feel like looking throw 100 answers. But to me I don't ask women, I have gotten a girl to aks me out before (although it turned out pretty bad) I gave her a chance which is more than I can say about any women I have ever asked out. I know girls don't want to ask guys out because there scared but guys get scared as well, and if you have had bad experiances before just telling someone oh well or just get over it isn't going to work.

Also in my experiance I have come to realize the fantasys of girls wanting the nice sweet quiet guys is fading and fading fast. Those type of guys for the most part don't make moves I will give you that but the constant obsession with excitment that people want to live life on the edge and live for the moment really doesn't do the nice, sweet, quiet guys any favors. It appears in a fairly short amount of time most guys will become one dimensional in the fact they all must live up to what is hype and they always must be exciting instead of being themselvs. Its really just processing a line of zombies who who listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, talk the same, and eventualy thing the same.

Not to mention 2011 men have more pressure then any men before them to be in shape, to look good, to have proper grooming. Everywhere we look in this day in age men now are shown on tv, adds anything as having to be big muscular and attractive. Yes women have had to deal with this for a long time but this is new to the male species and we are adJusting to it and apart of this adjustment is having to hear criticism about the way we look as well now. And a lot of guys can't take that. I myself since joining this site have been told my eyebrows are to bushy, my shoulders are to hunched, I been called a slob because I have a picture with stubble, I been called fat because my face is slightly rounded towards the bottom and I been criticised about how light my skin is. These are all things men for thousands of years never had to worry about now we do and now we have developed into more protective creatures who don't want to be judged or criticised negitivly.

askaniceguy · Answer

All of the answers are going to be generalizations, but as a man that rarely asks girls out, I'll try to talk from personal experience where I can.

You seem to have broken down men into 2 groups, the "cocky asshole" and the proverbial "nice guy." All men are at least a little of both, but we'll assume that those are the two main groups.

About the "cocky asshole": this guy doesn't give a sh*t what you think about him. He doesn't care about you, he cares about him, and what you can do for him.He may be nice to you, but ultimately the reason he has so much confidence when he talks to you is because at the end of the day, you and your opinion do not matter to him, or his opinion of himself. He can be funny and charming but when you get right down to it, the person he thinks about and considers most is himself. The cocky asshole is willing to walk right up to you and ask you out, without knowing you at all, because whether you say yes or no, since you don't matter, his ego will remain intact.He also is pretty shameless, and won't worry about what someone else will think if he's asking out a girl based solely on her looks.

The proverbial "nice guy": Let me preface this - I don't know a single nice guy that will ask out a stranger. A nice guy needs to pretty much already be friends to ask you out. Nice guys won't ask you out based on your looks alone, that sh*t is shallow so they'll want to take the time to get to know you in a friendship level. Once you're friends, and he thinks you might be a potential match, he probably still won't ask you out. He cares what you think, and you're friends, so the rejection is a lot more personal. Since a nice guy cares what you think, instead of being confident and nonchalant about asking you out, he'll be nervous. unfortunately, "nervousness" pretty much translates directly to "creepiness." Don't get me wrong, you've probably been asked out by some creepy guys, but most of them were probably genuinely nice fellows that were just nervous, because you mattered to them.

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other thoughts:

"innocent til proven guilty" is the moniker for the justice system. in dating today, it's basically "stalker/rapist til proven otherwise." I really hate how this one has worked out. There are so many crazy people out there that women have to protect themselves by keeping men at a significant distance. As a nice guy, I understand why women do it, but it doesn't change the fact that it's *extremely* offensive to be treated this way. I guess the way things work out is that it's really tough for women to tell which guys are just a little nervous and which guys are crazy, which results in more rejection for the nice guy, and more reluctance to ask out or even show interest in the next girl.

MrMysteryMan · Answer

Well, do you girls like to get shot down when asking a guy out? It's an easy question to answer if you ask me. Unless you have built up an immunity to rejection or being rejected, then you definitely don't like to be rejected. So of course you don't want to put yourself in that situation. Also, when women do it, you girls can be pretty harsh. Say you're in a club or something, and you want this one guy you're interested in to come up and talk to you, but there are other girls in the club that he has his eye on. He does know you are interest in him, or else he really is out to lunch and clueless, but isn't making a move because he isn't interested. Then there is another guy who noticed you ever since you walked into the club. He's not the guy you are attracted to because you have your eyes, heart set on this one. So he (the uninteresting one) get's enough balls and courage to ask you to dance or for a drink or something and probably doesn't know what to say to someone that's not showing interest to gain her interest, and then get's shot down or laughed at or just ignored. Well, once bitten, twice shy so the saying goes.

Another scenario is the girl the guy is interested in isn't showing any signs of interest in him. So the guy tries to ask her out, but then gets a weird look, or like, where is this coming from sort of answer from the girl. This ruins the friendship or he's always going to feel awkward around this girl from now on. Especially if he's liked her for a long time.

Also, most girls I've heard, likes a guy to approach them with confidence. That's a lot easier to do when you get an inclination that the girl has some interest in you. But if you go blind, it takes a little more razzle-dazzle or more charm to catch a woman's interest. Depending I guess on the situation and environment. That's why it's a bad idea for women looking for a true relationship to try and find someone in a club setting. A club is like an arena where the fittest and most confident and strongest survive. It's also competition based because of this fact. So if you're going to a club, in a guy's mind, it's all about competition and if I am the better guy than any other guy in there tonight for one woman I choose. So you have to have even more testosterone or exude more cockiness to gain the confidence and strength to be the with the most charm, best attitude, best looking out of many with the same look, style, ability, etc. in the arena.

JohnGPL · Answer

I would agree with most of the stuff that the guys said below. Being rejected by somebody you actually like is not exactly fun, or even something that just doesn't phase you. But part of it is also that girls throw around terms like "creep" and "stalker" WAY too much. Imagine if you approached a guy and he arbitrarily decided you weren't attractive and then told you "Go away whore.", and laughed in your face. That's basically what guys get if they're unfortunate enough to approach the wrong girl. If there were some social repercussion for women who are excessively cruel in their rejections then maybe it would get easier to approach women in general. But until then, you'll just have to understand that it is difficult to put yourself out there like that, and it can prove quite painful. It's essentially the same reason most girls don't want to approach a guy.

Oh, and it doesn't help that after college the most common place to meet someone is at work. Yet, if you so much as look at a woman at work in a way she decides she doesn't like, you can be fired for sexual harassment because they will basically just take her word for it.

KajimaB · Answer

It does not make you girls seem desperate when asking us guys out, If anything it would be the other way round. I think it all depends on your actions, or how you ask. I personally feel that guys should always be the one to make the first move, but I'm not saying that girls shouldn't try as well. what I think is that it would be so much easier if both sides show that they're interested in one another. It don't have to be verbally, sometimes a little body language, or a little signal would do. Make eye contact, smile or smile back, wave, or finger-brush your hair back, anything is better than guessing.I guess you could say it would be like a first move, but think about it. When you give that one signal of interest it will ease that person and possibly likely to give them that bit of confidence to initiate. I'm just putting it out there, if both sides could just play that little part instead of guessing games, it'll be so much easier.

As for rejection, yes, majority of guys like myself ARE that scared of rejection. Sometimes its not the rejection, there are also insecurity, or financially unstable, and so on. The thing is that there are only so much rejection that a guy could take, when a guy gets rejected over and over again it eventually hits the quitting point. That fear of rejection grows with each rejection, so those of you saying that it'll be easier after the first one is somewhat wrong, and by somewhat I mean that not all men are the same and think the same. Now, after so many attempts that fear has amplified enormously to where that person quits therefor, no more asking girls to go out, but wait for them to ask or show an interest instead. These are most of my experiences and till this day still scared of rejection, but the only thing is that I'm not a quitting type. I still try every now and then, but also what I like to put out there is being used. one of which that made me not want to search anymore. That person that would pretend to like you but was all an act just to get what they want. Anyways, body language is the key, let that person know that your interested by giving signs and if that person is interested in you, they'll give back a sign or initiate the first move. If that person does not have any interest the worst thing theyll do is ignore the sign and move on, no exchange of word or public humiliation lol.

One more thing, If the guys are overly-confident, obnoxious, cocky douche-bags, then get rid of them. I can say for the nearly extinct nice guys still left in the world like myself, that you deserve better than to be mistreated, or used, or whatever the case may be.

There's more that I want say relating to this topic but I'm too tired and lazy to go on, but I hope this helped a bit, but, sayonara! - Kajima B.

PukaShellPrince · Answer

Duh, rejection much?

Why are women afraid to make a move? It isn't 1414 AD any more.

The answer? Rejection. WHat if I get rejected?

How are men supposed to be better prepared for rejection than a woman? That's sexist. You may think "I never wrote that," but it's the or an underlying facet of society. Women are, since birth, fashioned to be strong, but not too strong, fair, but not too fair, nice, but not too nice, etc. While men are fashioned to be rugged, and more rugged; stoic and more stoic. Certainty, they can handle a little "no". Well men are raised, a lot of them, to withstand a punch, or an ego kick from a male; but it's different coming from a female. Hearing "no" is still hurtful. WHy put myself out on a line that may not be sturdy enough to hold the weight of my drooping shoulders? It takes some form of confidence to ask a girl out. So of course you'll get the overly cocky ones asking. They have confidence. Duh. ANy ways, let's use a stereotype here, women are intuitive and have a sixth sense. USe it, you know a guy likes you; ask him out if you like him; but don't waste his time.

avatarr · Answer

Im going to go with what jacksparrow55 said on this. The person being approached already knows that genuine interest is there. They can confidently act the way they wish to. But the asker has to try hard to interpret their feeling, and tread lightly as to not make a wrong move.

It's often not worth it to go after a girl. They screw around too much and make you feel like an idiot for thinking they might be interested, but then again they might be, and are just making jokes. If I'm at a bar, and I'm already having a good time, Its not worth my time to just spend 20 min being tested or toyed with.

When a girl asks a guy, they can at least know that he will be serious, unless he is a complete jerk and had no intention of hooking up in the first place, and in that case, you just walk away.

Note that not every girls will do this, but once it happens, you just lose motivation to try.

Gender rolls suck. they just need to go away. from the looks of it, both girls and guys arnt happy with them.

depressedguy · Answer

guys that are shy, depressed from lonelyness from  never having a girlfriend, ignored by girls, called ugly by girls, and have zero confidence, and are sensitive just are considered unattractive by  girls and its so sad, plus guys that are like this know they are unwanted/unloved and there's nothing we can do about it... the over confident or cocky assholes seem to always attract the girls when some of us guys that are genuinly and naturally nice don't attract anything ... I never even catch a girl looking at me so I just consider I'm unattractive. there's only so much rejection a guy can take then we just give up and wait till a girl wants us. plus girls don't really want a guy in the first place so its difficult to even impress a girl ... and girls seem to think only the guy has to ask the girl out etc just because we are called MAN or GUY ... and just because guys have balls  we're stereotyped as always confident well girls have balls too but they are inside the body and they are called ovaries... and girls are stuck into thinking there's a rule that guys have to only ask the girl out ... NEWS FLASH ...THERE ARE NO RULES ... and guys have emotions too

BurningHammer · Answer

There has been a fundamental shift in terms of approaching and the like, and I believe men have become emasculated by feminism and the mass media to the extent where rejection can prove most crippling and humiliating, causing near irreparable damage to one's psyche. There has been a superhuman amount of garbage being pumped by the media chum-bucket as regards conforming to a certain standard (this goes both ways) but the problem, I believe, is that females can be arbitrarily cruel given that they are more often than not the ones pursued and hence wield more power to that end. Given this disparity it follows that men are more hesitant/reticent in approaching and, ergo, face a higher percentage of rejection.

Nevertheless, it would be puerile to resort to tit-for-tat, but some common decency would not be remiss; quite simply, if you're not interested in a person on an aesthetic/attraction/dating level it isn't too much to not dehumanise them. Also, rejection can be considered a good thing- for my part it used to paralyse me and make me depressed; however, it now spurs me on to constantly improve myself where the only validation I need is that coming from within and not from anybody else; so if a girl's interested, great; if not, it doesn't bother me as I still have accomplishments instead of wallowing in self-pity. Life is, after all, too short for the luxury of feeling sorry for one-self.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm often afraid that a girl might tell her friends something ugly and all my opportunities in the crowd would all look down on me. She would make sure of it. So many girls nowadays make it a point to led guys on and dump on a guy  when the chase is lost. How does a guy know which ones are bad apples when so many are? I just went threw 3 girls in different crowds who lied and acted like they where single normal and mine. Once I asked the question it showed I liked her and it was over, the truth came out. 90% of women who have boyfriends hit on someone else taking it way to far. Then dump on them because their is no chase just like their boyfriends getting at home. That's why you never tell a girl you love her. One girl on this site said I like all the guys to win me over. And I choose the best one. How sad for all those guys who wasted their time. I can just see her at work once her man pisses her off. Assholes don't get the numbers since  or have all the pretty girls smiling. But theirs a chase with a asshole. Allot of women want to be spoiled brats. Seducers who love to play games and reject guys to feel wanted. Women are not graceful or respectful. Guys are afraid of rejection. It's more a sport for women to lead guys on and destroy them for ego then respect that he is single and they already have a boyfriend. So many women are players it's hard to be rejected. Women SUCK!

Anonymous · Answer

Just some quick thoughts. Even though the times are changing for the better for today's woman, they seem like it's the 18th century when it comes to asking out a guy. OK we all know about the loud overconfident jerk. Well, won't you at least admit that is the type of guy who always gets the girl. It makes me mad as hell but that is a sad even pathetic fact, that women from young teen girls right up to my age (40yo) fall for the "Smooth BSers" who end up making them miserable but they fall for it anyway. Time after time . Year after year I see nice, beautiful and intelligent women make the worst decisions about guys and the price they pay is tremendous.

Now to my point. Wanna know the best kept secret in the world? In the population of these "Shy Guys"? Their are some GEMS. And I mean great men. Men who believe it or not ARE confident and successful. They just happen NOT to be confident with women! Most of them are at least good natured and usually more friendly than we think. Once we start talking to them we'll see them loosen up and more importantly open up. What we girls have yet to learn is that despite all our obvious differences, men and women share many of the same reservations and insecurities. That shouldn't make us undesirable people, but in this very judgmental world it hits shy people the hardest, especially the guys.

For heaven sake don't miss a chance if you really like a guy. If you don't approach you'll never know. Just the fact that you are interested enough to ask this question puts you well ahead of the young women in your age group who are going to learn MEN101 the hard way. Good luck to you. I hope you find the guy of your dreams.

JoTree · Answer

Some men in today's society have been castrated mentally by the Feminist movement of the last 40 years. These men will seek out women who have a mentality closer to that of women before this movement, although they don't exist that much anymore. A consequence of this movement created sexual harassment laws in the work place that have made it nearly impossible for a man to ask woman out, lest he be fired for doing so.

Also, even though wage indicators show men making more than women, women occupy a greater sector of jobs that men occupied 30 to 40 years ago, mainly middle sector business, white collar jobs. With women filling in these positions, men making less will likely avoid dating a women of higher wage. It is easily proven that a man will avoid a woman who makes more than he does.

So, to answer your question: Society has made average men cautious of the modern women. The higher your status as a women, the less likely you will find a partner. The lower your status, the easier you'll find a date and a partner.

TheMasculinist · Answer

Wow...all this sexism in just a few sentences. Its not about men being afraid of rejection, if you're out and attractive...they likely assume you already have a man and have enough respect commonly to not step on other peoples toes. No men don't have to be the only person that asks someone out...you are a grown up now, and this isn't the fifties where you have to sit by the phone and wait for some suitor to come a-calling. You are supposed to try to pretend to be strong and independant for yourself...do attempt to learn to be. You are better than assuming someone should come up to you...thats...almost arrogant. "Im sitting over HERE. Yeah I like him, but IM NOT getting up...if HE wants to talk he should come to ME!" I mean...it sounds selfish arrogant, cocky, and even childish...youre better than that. The next time YOU see a man YOU like...dont wait for him to come to you, don't wait for some other girl to chat him up, just stand your own butt up and go offer to buy him a beer. Every guy likes a girl who is assertive and aggressive and can speak the truth about the things she wants. You go do that to a guy...just come up and start chatting with him...and damn if you don't have a date!

ebrady5 · Answer

I think it ultimately boils down to issues with the guys self-confidence. Many people(men and women) seem to take rejection as an evaluation of their self-worth, like the person rejecting them is saying "you are not good enough, you don't deserve to have a loving relationship " when they are really just trying to say,"you are not the right person for me." A confident person does not let this rejection shake the image they have of themselves, because they know they are good enough and deserve a loving relationship, even if it doesn't work out with a particular partner. I have to say that the media, including hollywood romantic comedies, and music about love do many men these days a great disservice by providing TERRIBLE male role-models to emulate. A perfect example is that silly Blue October song, "Calling you," where the guy sings about calling his girl incessantly to see if she's asleep, dreaming, dreaming of him, asking if she loves him...YUCK! I call that song the guide to becoming a f*ing stalker, haha. Fact is, the vast majority of women are attracted to men, not little boys or guys who act like women. A man is comfortable with himself, is comfortable with any outcome of his situation with a woman, is a leader, is decisive, carries himself with confident body language, makes good eye contact, takes care of his needs first, etc. I would agree that a girl asking a guy out is unconventional, but not taboo. Some men may find this type of aggressive behavior from a woman highly appealing, while others like maintaining a dominant role in the relationship dynamic. IMO, its the guy's role to take the lead and pursue the girl he desires.

goneanonymous · Answer

Except for rare occasions, I always initiate contact with a girl. And I have pretty much gotten all responses, so I think I may be able to help with this. Any guy who has learned to manage the fear -- nobody really gets over it -- and has approached many women knows that few, if any, respond negatively. Even if you aren't interested, aren't you still a little flattered someone noticed you? However, there is no way to tell from a first meeting what will happen afterward. A girl can smile and laugh and blush and give you her number like it's burning a hole in her phone, then vanish like David Copperfield for the rest of eternity when you call her. It's situations like these that lead men to guard their emotions stronger than necessary. Men aren't afraid of the rejection itself; they're afraid of receiving confirmation that they're undesirable. And that's on the top 5 desert island fears of all living beings as long as sex remains the means of procreation. So try this... Be clearer in your interest. Flirt and create opportunities for the right kind of guy to ask you, not frat boys in backward-turned white hats. Make yourself available for enough time that he doesn't have to think of some Shakespearian icebreaker in 6 seconds just to get your number. Save the playing hard to get sh*t for later, when he knows you like him. Otherwise you could wait forever for a confident, good-looking, intelligent man who isn't also an asshole.

aShyGeek · Answer

I have trouble asking girls out now because of the constant rejection. In high school I just assumed they were being stuck up, but now I just don't know. All the girls I know now, from friends to coworkers of all ages, tell me I'm handsome, nice, and sweet and don't have to worry about it. However, when I ask a girl out I'm never the kind of guy they're looking for. We could be having a good conversation and be laughing, but I just don't meet what they're looking for. It has got to the point where I just don't think any girl is interested. A few months ago I was at a store I frequent and the cashier and I were talking about a movie that was coming out and thought nothing of it. After we left my friend and his girlfriend said they could see she was interested in me. I see her often when I go, but can't bring myself to ask because it just seems I already hear her saying no.

I don't think I'm handsome like some say, but I'm not like some troll so big I need to wear sweatpants because nothing else fits. The last couple of dates I had didn't go well, the worst of the two ended with the girl saying she could do better. I see a lot of girls going out with guys with no job or car. They often take them to walmart to walk around and act like jerks making fun of the people who have a job and can pay for themselves.

So when I see this is what they go for I just don't understand, and it does affect my confidence on asking a girl out. The jerks that don't care will ask away, but those of us that do care about personality and intelligence just don't have a chance.

CuddlyCarla · Answer

It's why the jerks get the girls. "Nice" guys like to feel sorry for themselves by saying it's because they are nice that they don't get girls when in reality, it's because they aren't assertive. Early bird gets the worm! I agree that any guy that likes you, jerk or nice, should be able to tell you. What's the worse that can happen? You say no. There are 3 billion other fish in the sea, life moves on. Despite any advances in gender role expectations, we do still live in a patriarchal society and men are still (and will always be) the dominant sex due to their strength and size, therefore I think society will always feel a need (and women biologically) to expect a man to assert himself since he holds more societal power. However, there will always be guys who are introverted, shy, passive, etc, and sadly they allow a good girl to pass them by because they can't bring themselves to just ask and by the time they finally get around to it, she's with someone else. My words of encouragement are for men of all types to just go for it. Women should feel that freedom too.

EvanNassau · Answer

Hey love_life,

Unless you are one of these over-confident or cocky guys, then it can be quite difficult for a guy to ask a girl out due to personal insecurities, fear of rejection, etc. Of course there is nothing to be scared of in reality, if you say no so what? Move on with life, etc.

But, of course, this isn't how guys think. They think, "I'm single. I've been single for a while. I like that girl but I can't tell if she likes me so I'm not going to blow it by asking her out when I don't know and then she'll probably say no and then I'll be single and feel worse about myself..."

As such, this type of guy will instead look for "signals" that the girl is interested in him. Even if he gets these signals, however, he still may not actually ask her out after all -> having psyched himself out in the meantime.

For this reason, I recommend girls ask guys out if they want to go out and not wait for him because he might... not.

Best

- Evan

Women: What You Can Do If He Doesn’t Call -> link

MandMandM · Answer

Not afraid, just sometimes now there is insufficient upside to bother. Rebalancing gender power has been a necessary and good thing, still needed in some parts of the world.

It means now though that women are in a greater position to humiliate and damage someone they reject, should they decide to. Hence it is a higher hurdle to outweigh this greater risk needed to ask the question.

> Don't guys think girls who ask them out are desperate?

No, it is flattering and validating. I never unstood why some women asked by someone they thought out of their league, regarded the guy as an a$$hole? The guy has still just paid her a big compliment, no? Or is the blow to her ego that someone more ordinary in terms of superficial attraction thought her his equal?

> OR assume they just want sex from them?

I'd never assume that about a woman. That way if I'm wrong there's an upside I like very much, if not I lost nothing. With no expectation, there is much lower risk of speaking or acting in a way that can be misconstrued. It is a sad thing in some ways, but flirting that people enjoyed has now been curtailed by the risk of being sued for saying or doing something non PC.

carlo · Answer

my personal experience/reasons

1. I was teen in the 90s, everybody was talking about gender equality, so I did expect that in this realm. Also, it was very useful because I just had no balls to ask, and also had too many fears I'd be considered the usual dog/pig, everybody must be hitting on her, I'll be just one in a million

2. shyness and issues around sex, like feeling guilty with my mother and fear that sex is wrong

3. I heard the mantra, you don't touch a girl not even with a flower

4. we males are wrong/dogs/pigs and our desires are wrong

5. I just had the idea that girls don't really like sex

6. a woman is a superior being and you're lucky if you ever get her graces, you must romance her and kiss her ass... not treat her like you used to at the kindergarten

7. f***ing catholic church

8. feeling of powerlessness, like if I go up there she's got the upper hand on me and has me by the balls, she's got control of the whole game, beside, what would she possibly find interesting in me? I'm not the gladiator and never will

9. I'm a slimy ass kisser, a puppy

10. in clubs/bars, too afraid she gives me attention just to toy with me

11. she really seems interested, but then I think if I go up there as soon as I open my mouth I make an ass of me, she gives me that disgusted look as if I'm the most disgusting thing she's ever seen

12. I feel guilty for wanting just sex

13. I feel guilty for being shallow and being attracted to her because she' shallow

14. I don't want to hurt the feelings of her friend because she's uglier, I'm a bastard

15. I'm afraid id be ridiculed if I openly show sexual interested, it's something just not acceptable

I come from a rural place in italy, it's not like I'm a peasant, but the real mainstream culture back in the 80s and 90s was still a lot like middle ages, combined with the fact that however, feminism did make not acceptable anymore for males to be aggressive, the only way was to be like girls.

Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

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Why are so many men afraid to make a move these days?

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