Is it possible to turn non-romantic love and attraction into romantic love?

[Anonymous]

I have been in love with my "best friend" for over 4 years now. She knows this, all too well, but somehow I seem to frighten her (possibly with the intensity with which I do love her).

We have talked it through, and I know she loves me and she admits as much but with a hook (a rather important one).

She says she sees me as "family" and she is not "sexually" attracted to me (I know sounds like she's trying to just be nice right? I thought that but experience has shown me its meant from her heart). I am sure this must have happened to a lot of people and I would have been OK with that... but..

She doesn't appear to be "unattracted" to me (though neither is she "massively" attracted to me), nor does she appear not to find me sexy (sometimes). I can say she's probably "more" attracted to a different face shape in a guy. Which is maybe the route of things and why she doesn't see me romantically.

In the early days, when she knew I loved her, she nearly even kissed me on several occasions but stopped herself at the last second (I was just so surprised I hesitated too and this hasn't done much to help me believe its just she doesn't like me that way).

Anyway, why I am here, I need to know:

Can a deep and true "unromantic" love be transformed into a romantic love and how can it be done? What do I need to do.

Continuing to be myself, which I would advise anyone, does make her love me more and more (though does not increase the romantic quotient) and when we spend time together she is so happy (we are so happy). Though, she often wants to keep "distance" between us when we are out together (though partly she does this with everyone including her boyfriends).

There's something she's not telling me, she says she doesn't want to give me the wrong impressions (this is meaning she doesn't want me to think I like her "that way".. at least that's the way all the evidence points).

I feel if I could just make her "see" me as someone who was someone she could see romantically things would be different (I'm not entirely sure this is possible and for anything less than "love of my life" I would just move on.. but she is perfect in every way, we are perfect and we both feel it. Only point we differ on is I can see her as a girlfriend she cannot see me outside the context of friend/family [we are unrelated]).

[islands7]

You have glass ceiling barring your ambitions but are on the right track.

It would take some movie/TV adventure experience to bring you two together in a way that she would see you in a different light, breaking the glass.

Haven't you seen real life relationships or at least movies where the gals "wants the moon" and won't settle for less? You may have to reinvent yourself to be able to furnish her the moon. You wouldn't want to marry her in this frame of mind, she just might trade you in.

Maybe you need to know more about her, even though you feel "what are you saying?".

Discover this secret ideal man, help her fill in the blanks on qualities she has left undefined. You might be able to figure out a way to "be all that you can be" and fill that role someday.

In other cases, the glass was broken by guys that

was an emotional crutch through death of loved ones

returned from military service

became a hero/winner (sports, business, music, lifesaver, etc.)

learned attractive skills (dancing, her favorite activities)

Does that get you started?

[Asker]

Thanks islands7. That's very helpful indeed =). I have plans to take her away with me when I emigrate. She is keen to go, but she worries about what's going to happen (given the way I feel and how she feels e.g. she can see it being a long term problem). It will mean we are together in a situation where we will really need to depend on each other though and may help things.

[jarhead]

In my experience, you can't force anybody else (or yourself) to romantically love another person. I've tried before. I was dating a great girl once that was crazy about me, awesome personality, we got along great, but there just wasn't that type of spark/chemistry, you know? I was not romantically attracted to her, and I tried for probably 3 months, figuring I would eventually fall for her. I just felt more like I felt towards a close friend and I had to end it before things got too far. I felt horrible for breaking her heart, but I'd feel even worse if I had continued to lead her on.

Romantic love is just something that's either naturally there for both people, or it's not. There is no way of "creating" romantic love out of thin air.

[Asker]

My experience with my ex girlfriend is confusing on this matter. On the one hand, I didn't have a "romantic" spark with her. One of the first things I said was "your not my type" and she really wasn't / isn't. Though we had a strong romantic relationship (which obviously ulitmately failed,but we are still very close friends). So, for me (a guy) at least, it is possible for non-romantic attraction to become romantic (though it put massive pressure on her being right in other ways [unfair I guess]).

[Asker]

Though I know I am non-typical in that way. I realize I can't force her to have feelings, but I guess I wonder if there is a way to help her realize what she does feel is worth the risk.

[darlanoy0510]

I agreed with the guy above me. You can't force a feeling on someone. You have four years and she still haven't return your feeling then I'm pretty sure she is not going to return. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks. It does seem like the writing is on the wall.

[-StillWater-]

Unless that person is compatible with you and you really click, no, it's not possible.

[Asker]

We do click well, though only if I'm not noticing I'm in love. That is to say, when I just don't stress and we spend time together we are both really happy. Though of course, days like those remind me of why we should be a couple not just ammazing friends. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to change anything because we get on so well as friends and she can only see us possibly losing that (backed by the "instinct" that "it would not last.. or might it.. no I'm crazy"). I'm with her now actually.

[keeptalking]

I'm afraid I will have to agree on that one. There's a guy that REALLY likes me, and I like him too, but as a very close friend. I know he would like to be more than friends, but I love someone else. He's great, nice person, but I don't love him. Do you know if she still has feelings for someone else?! Because she might just care for you you know, she might not want to use you as a rebound, or something, because she cares about herself and you! And she might not want to get hurt.

[Asker]

I know her better than anyone, without betraying any confidences I can say yes she has feelings for someone else. Though there's a lot too that.

[l-hedoniste]

Here's what she's not telling you: Give up.

She's not into you, she's not hot for you, she doesn't want you that way. She's not going to be that direct because you're an important person in her life, and she doesn't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you either, but you need a dose of truth: You. Have. No. Hope.

All that energy you're pouring into her? You need to pour it into someone who'll return it.

[Asker]

She very much is telling me that in language (e.g. Give up). Its just emotionally she says "please stay" and "I don't know". This could be because she's been damaged by her past (I won't say more.. she's my best friend after all).

Giving up is not an option. I just have to cope and hope some other "lightning bolt" event can change things (either the way I would wish or to change me).

Thanks though for your honesty.