Why is my boyfriend embarrassed of me?

Question

My boyfriend and just bought a house together and things have been going well. He told me last night that he sees some things that he wants me to work on. He told me that I need to learn how to cook and I don't clean the house and I didn't go to college and that bugs him. I was so hurt. I told him I work 40 hrs a week and I make $20 an hour! He went to college and he only makes $5 more! He expects me to clean and cook and I work just as much as he does and he doesn't do anything to help out. He said he doesn't see me as a wife because I don't have any of these qualities. I was so mad and he said I was taking things the wrong way. I asked him if he was embarrassed of me and he said no but he is kin of embarrassed to tell people I haven't gone to school.

Am I wrong to be so upset?

FireflyRedhead · Accepted Answer

No, you are not wrong to be upset. But I can understand his point of view, to an extent. Cooking and cleaning is something you need to know how to do for yourself. Whether you're in a relationship, single, male, or female. I didn't know how to cook, and I never really had to clean anything, except things like dishes and my room, until I was about 19. That's when I met my (then) boyfriend. He had his own apartment, car, knew how to cook and clean and work harder than anyone I've ever met. Well, when he found out I didn't know how to cook, he taught me. I wasn't very excited at first, because I couldn't cook well. Now I love it, it's one of my favorite things to do. And I'm actually good at it, so that is a plus. We moved in together, and both had jobs. In the beginning he did a lot of the cleaning because I wasn't good at it. But, with time I learned and gained skill.

Now we're married. And there have been times when he worked, and I didn't, so I took on the role of a housewife. But, in turn, there were times when I worked and he didn't. So he took on those responsibilities. And there have been times where we both worked, and both shared the added responsibility of home life.

What I'm saying is relationships are about balance. And while I do, personally, think you should learn to cook and clean for your own benefit, I do NOT think you should take on all the household duties. If you are both working, he as a man should do his part around the house, just as you should. Now, there will be some days where he doesn't feel well or is too tired, and you should work a bit harder for him. But, the same should be said about him.

From what you have said, it seems that he thinks the house work is a woman's job, regardless of her actual working hours. This I cannot agree with. It doesn't matter who the actual "bread winner" is. If you both have jobs, you should both help each other at home. If you both work together to get the house clean and food cooked, you'll notice things go a lot faster and smoother than they would if the weight was put onto just one of your shoulders. And neither of you deserve that. If he says he doesn't see you as a wife because you don't do these things, but he refuses to do them himself, then I couldn't see him as a husband.

Hope this helped, and hope y'all work things out =)

Tamikaze · Accepted Answer

Wow, this is kind of a bomb for him to drop on you after you have bought a house together. It's not like he didn't know you had not gone to college. He's certainly reaping the rewards of you working and being able to pay on a house instead of being in college. Did he say exactly how it was that you are now supposed to work full time and go to college? What about you, if you don't want to go you shouldn't be pressured into it.

As far as cooking and house cleaning, you both work, you both need to take care of the house. If he comes home and kicks back and expects you to cook and clean, that is real nice of him. If he counts mowing the yard once a week as his contribution, that is nothing compared to what he is expecting from you.

In the end I get why you are mad but if you want to get through this as a couple you will need to find a way to be calm and express your points calmly. Be calm but firm and tell him what your thoughts are and what you want from him. Let him know you have expectations as well and you expect him to be loving and supportive, not critical and demanding. Let him know his requests are not reasonable and you will not be changing but that you think the two of you should talk about how you BOTH can take care of your house together. Good luck.

sillyzgal2012 · Accepted Answer

Well, if he sees things in you he wants you to work on then this means that he does not see you for you. He's seeing you for what you are not who you are. You may not have finished school, but how many people haven't finished school that you know of that are living a happy life? My Grandmother and grandfather recently got married. My grandmother never had a job and never finished school. My grandmother is now doing online courses for cosmo. and now works a part time job that pays $35 an hour. My grandfather has worked all his life, but both of them are happy because they have equal part in there relationship. They are happily in love and have been married for four 1/2 years. He should not be ashamed that you don't go to school. It's not like you can't take online courses or something like my grandmother. You could get a good job from computer programs like Everrest. You could learn to cook, but HEY! My grandmother doesn't cook. She makes fried things almost everyday. But she's also learning how to do that as well. Just let your boyfriend know that your trying your hardest and if he still has a problem with it maybe he's just not the right one for you.

netace · Accepted Answer

So this speaks directly to me. I said the same kind of hurtful things to my current girlfriend.

Somewhere along the way, I set my standards a bit high. Then I started seeing other relationships and girls behaving certain ways that I wanted. I needed my girlfriend to work on a few things. I told her to hurry up in the mornings, make things happen faster, and get the "chores" done quicker and she stupidly complied. Once she would fix those problems, more things would come up, and more things. I soon realized that I'm not really happy in this relationship because my girlfriend was basically fixed up and not herself...

I now realize that its mostly my fault. I should not expect my girlfriend to do all the cooking, cleaning, and worrying. Now I clean with her. We make it a together thing. I talked to her about why I need changes and now things are better.

What I learned was basically that our relationship has been going on one solid line for too long with no changes. The relationship needs to grow often to keep it interested.

My mother used to do most the cleaning in my house so now I expect the "woman" to do the work that I really should be doing. Also, my girlfriend did an immense amount of work that I never thanked her for.

As far as the school goes - tell him to blow it out his ass. You need to take a firm stance on that right now, or else that arguement is going to get real old, real fast. He obviously thinks he's better than you. Even if you went to school, he'd probably find something else wrong with your career side.

I hope that you guys can get through this whole thing. Just remain optimistic and make a firm stand in the beginning. Talk to him about how it all makes you feel and he'll come around. He just needs to grow up, grow some balls, and be a man. I'm stubborn and if I can do it, then he certainly can.

bobair · Accepted Answer

Being upset is pretty understandable in this scenario. It's not wrong of him to want these things of you, but he should have made such things more clear long before the investment of a house.

Either be willing to do the things he wants, or be willing to walk away. It's really as simple as that.

But don't stay with him, while meeting his new demands, while secretly resenting him for it. That will slowly erode your self-esteem, and his respect for you.

He'll respect your defiance more then your forfeiture.

It's better to break up now then it is to live half a life unhappy.

Good luck!

~ Robby

Anonymous · Answer

No, I don't think so. I think he has a very traditional "man" mind where he expects his wife to do "wifely duties". Obviously, you don't agree... and many women in this day and age wouldn't agree.

He shouldn't be embarrassed of you in any way and you need to make that clear to him. You need to let him know that regardless of how he thinks you're overreacting, it still hurt you very much.

You both need to sit down and talk about what is expected. Unfortunately, this talk should have occurred BEFORE you bought the house and moved in together. Whenever you do this sort of thing with someone else certain subjects need to be brought up, such as finances and chores. Now is better than never to have this talk.

If you work just as hard as he does then it is important for you to make it clear that you don't want to/can't be held responsible for all the "wifely" duties in addition to your job. It isn't fair to you. You two need to break down the responsibilities and come to some sort of agreement, otherwise there will be future problems. Try to compromise in some way. Such as... you cook dinner and he cleans up afterwards, or vice versa. Or you both take time on a mutual day off, such as Sunday, to clean the house.

Either way, a relationship is a partnership in every respect. You two need to be open with each other and open to compromise.

Anonymous · Answer

college is not for everyone..as long as you are being productive and paying for your half of the bills he should put a sock in it.as far as him being embarassed to tell people you haven't gone to school...well why would it be any of thier business? what are they going to send you a late graduation gift or something?...as far as houswork goes..running a household should be 50/50 between two working people so tell him that.agree to do your share of the cooking and cleaning if he does his.if you guys are planning to be together for a while (or forever) that is a big compromise because living with someone else can be weird. and in the end if he cannot accept you without the degree then he may not be right for you...however if you do want to go to school go...if that is what you want.but do it for yourself and nobody else.

DanielSan · Answer

No your not wrong.

1. He has no right to be embarrassed about the school thing. That's stupid.

I think maybe the other things you could work on? Cooking cleaning...these things you can change but the schooling you can't so just tell him if he needs to get a grip and learn to handle it. He needs likes you for who you are he knew when he started to like you that you didn't have college.

Sarcastic · Answer

Simply ask him this the next time the idiot talks about your education background being embarrassing:

he says: 'your lack of education background is embarrassing'

you say: 'do you have a master's degree?'

he says: 'no'

you say: 'Well...you don't see me embarrassed do you?'

That should shut the idiot right up. =D

KERMlT · Answer

People should accept you for who you are. So what if you decide to do this extra stuff... how much do you wanna bet that he will add more stuff in the future? I'm talking about the bedroom stuff because he seems sexist enough to have that desire and he's already tasted his foot once. I'm guessing he doesn't mind the taste.

Anonymous · Answer

no you're totally right. if you work just as much as he does where does he get off thinking that you should a) work, (b) make almost as much as him and (c) cook and clean like you're june cleaver. you aren't superwoman nor should he ask you to be. put your foot down and tell him he needs to do his part too. you guys can clean together. if you don't know how to cook or clean then learn, but remember that he needs to do that also

Anonymous · Answer

So what you didn't go to collage, not everyone does. And cleaning shouldn't be a one person job it should be both of you working together not just you, yeah I understand you are probly tired but you still go to take care of your home. But try to get him to help you.

human_condition · Answer

He sounds like a d***, and I'm seeing lots of warning signs here. He seemingly expects you to cook and clean just because you're a woman. I say, get out while you still can.

22-BK-22 · Answer

you need some one who appreciates you, and it isn't him. you make plenty! And you work hard, so I wouldn't worry about it. Don't Change You For Him. Because in the end if there is no more him, then what is left? Not you.

flammabledude · Answer

do you have a job? Because I would never date a girl who just sat at home on the dole. No offense.

chiefnavarro · Answer

what do you do to make 20 dollars a hour

Why is my boyfriend embarrassed of me?

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