How do I ask out a shy engineering-type guy without scaring him away?

[Anonymous]

Little background...

So me and my other good friends happen to be all nerdy engineers, so none of us really have a love life. I know people talk to each other about love life, but to us, that doesn't exist so we just never bring it up, and when it's brought up it's like a huge deal.

It so happens that I'm crushing on one of the guy in this group of friends. I'm pretty sure he likes me, or at least interested in me. We moved to different cities after graduation from college, but kept in touch and now I'm moving to his city. I'm going for a weekend visit to his city to scope out the location, and also to meet up with him. So when I told him that my plan is final and that I will be in town with all weekend free, he was like, "we gotta hang out!" and all excited. I know he's excited, and I guess I want to let him know that I really care about him when I see him, because he's been there for me through thick and thin even though he wasn't physically around. He just made sure that I was okay and all. So yeah, I like him and I'd like to date him eventually.

Problem is, he's very shy and proper and polite (in general) so I'm afraid if I told him all that, it might scare him away...but I really like him and want to be with him. Also, this is coming from someone who's not into feelings and relationship-y stuff, so it's kinda big deal for me too, and I don't want to mess it up.

Thanks...and sorry it's long.

[markml]

Ok, as a nerdy engineering-type guy myself, I can totally relate to the "not having a love life" part of your story...

But the reality is that everyone has feelings!

Some people just repress them more than others. People have many layers, right?

See, you gotta get under his most outer-layer to find out what he's really looking for. If he were me...well, under my most outer-layer, I'm actually a very emotional person so I kind of like to meet girls who are open with their feelings, because I feel that when I'm around that kind of person, it helps me be who I want to be.

But when I'm around someone who has the same facade as me, they may never see my emotional side. It just becomes too easy to be that outer-layer.

On the other hand, I'm not suggesting the guy is anything like me. I also know plenty of guys who don't consider themselves emotional, and you gotta go several layers deeper to find where they're keeping their feelings. I mean, they're there regardless. One clue you can look at is what are this guy's non-nerdy interests? If all of his interests are stoic left-brained activities, then you might have to go very deep. If he has a diverse set of interests, then you might not have to go very far.

So the goal then is you want to peel away the layers, one at a time. Not just for him, but for you too of course. I mean...think of it kind of like you are both trying to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and the most ideal situation is that both you and him reach that soft chewy emotional center at the same time. How many licks does it take? Who knows...but you shouldn't be scared of it or think it's really that big of a deal, because it's completely inevitable. Feelings, relationships, and falling in love are just completely normal. C'est la vie. And he shouldn't be scared either...I don't think he would be...though he might not understand because he might not see it coming at first...

I'm not suggesting that you suddenly go from what you're currently like to being very open with your feelings over night. Drastic changes in personality do tend to weird people out. I'm not saying that if I were in his shoes I'd get so freaked out that I'd run away, but I'd be surprised at the very least and feeling like I don't know what to do because everything is changing so fast. Remember, you both want to reach the same point and the same time, so it's better to lick the Tootsie Pop than to just bite down on it because you're impatient.

One idea I have is that you plan an activity with him that you two wouldn't normally do together, maybe something you wouldn't even do by yourself. Like go skydiving or something! Rather planning this big confessional and how you're going to change your personalities to show each other how you feel, change the environment. When people are taken out of their physical comfort zones, they often end up shedding a layer or two naturally. Just a thought.

[Asker]

Whoa thanks for this! Pretty helpful :)

[Pogistega]

A day after you have settled down, you could invite him to dinner, to try out some delicacies which you stumbled upon in "his city". Put off intimate talks till your last night, when you could let him know how much impact the reunion has made on you.

[HanHew]

if your very entertaining to be with and talkative, then that is a very good thing for a shy guy. I'm shy so I like to hang out with someone who can talk a lot (so I don't have to). if that is the case then you guys will do really well together. I would say shy people like people to almost come on strongly. don't lead us on or confuse us about your intentions. I like to know immidiately how someone feels about me from the beginning. you won't scare him away by telling him you like him, unless he's way too reclusive. shy people like to be nurtured.

[Asker]

Yeah, people tell me I'm funny all the time so I guess that's good :) Thanks!

[ShootingStar5]

I think you're overthinking this. Yes shy guys would usually be to timid to approach a girl themselves, but if he IS interested in you, then he would most likely be delighted to find out that you felt the same way and would love to go out with you!

[Asker]

Thanks :)

[postt]

"Yes shy guys would usually be to timid to approach a girl themselves, but if he IS interested in you, then he would most likely be delighted to find out that you felt the same way and would love to go out with you!" I'm a shy guy lol