Why should a married woman give up her male friends?

I just got married in June... And my husband is a bit more controlling than I would like. How can I get him to be okay with me having male friends, talking to guys in general upsets him even if the nature of the conversation isn't flirtatious. We've been in huge fights, over my GAY best friend who was gay. I think it's jealousy and insecurity on his part, but her is 10 years older than me. But I don't want to divorce, I would like to get him to ease up.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • As a former jealous boyfriend, I can tell you that he probably won't change until something major happens to where he sees what is really important. It took a breakup with a very special woman for me to realize my mistakes.

    I used to get upset because my girlfriend had a lot of guy friends. She just naturally got along better with guys than girls. I couldn't grasp why she'd want to spend her time talking to them when we could be talking or doing something together. I didn't realize until after that I could TRUST her and that she wanted to spend time talking to them because they were her FRIENDS.

    As much as he probably says he trusts you it really is a trust issue. My line was always that I trusted her, but I didn't trust the guys not to do try anything. While this is completely true, it's kind of bullsh*t. If I trusted her then I would know that she wasn't looking for more than friends and I could trust her to shoot them down if they tried anything.

    The best advice I can give is to sit down with him and try to point the things out. I'm sure you've done this, but the other option isn't great. The other option is to straight up tell him you can't continue like this if he is going to try and control you. The second option is risky because he'll more than likely get really upset and hurt.

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    • I have to agree with Jimmaiam on you situation. I have an ex who had a very similar issue. He told me it wasn't me it was the guys I hung out with he didn't trust. Which I told him was just crap and I wasn't dropping friends over his own issues. That lack of trust is it is including a gay friend could also very well include any male relatives you have. It's not a promising situation. If he doesn't feel he has a problem with his behavior it's not going to change.

    • A girl with tons of male friends around her does not deserve a loving life partner, no matter how much you trust that kind of girls, no matter how much you trust her friends, they're there because she loves men and can't have female friends, would a woman want a man that doesn't get along with men like him? only talks to girls? after what I've seen, I believe people like that got issues.

What Guys Said 26

  • Jealousy indeed. No women should have to give up her friends because of her husband. (I'd feel guilty and uneasy if my wife did it because of something I said)

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  • Seriously? You got married before settling your relationship issues?

    Ridding your friends to supplicate to your husband's insecure jealousy issues IS NOT the path to a long happy life.

    Instead you should continue to grow and mature, as you would any ways, and let him know that your friends are not within his sphere of control.

    Invite him to challenge his insecurities, so that he too can grow up a little bit. Easier said then done I suppose.

    Just DONT give into his craziness because all you'll be teaching him is that it's okay to have a baby tantrum to get what he wants.

    Be clear, stay strong, and don't give in. Be a woman with boundaries, friends, and her own decision making strengths.

    Good luck,

    ~ Robby

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  • You need to make your husband your best friend. Its fine for a married woman to have male friends and its fine for them to be many. None of them though should have access to a lot of your time of be asking you out without your husband in toe (nor should you be seeing them without your husband unless its some kind of all girl affair or a very personal matter).

    Its not that he wishes to be controlling, its probably he wants to be included.

    Now, if I'm wrong here and you offer for him to join you on all occasions and he refuses then the issue is slightly different.

    For a marriage to be really successful you both need common friends and or goals. If you have common goals, use those to find common friends (and the same for the opposite).

    Neither of you should be repressing the other but both should be wanting to flex to make the other happy.

    Make him feel secure in you, include him in everything, make your best friend his best friend.

    If he is unwilling to be his best friend, remind him it would make you happy (this might seem low, but its important, he should remind you if your making him unhappy equally).

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  • Although I don't think you should be forced to cut all your male friends out of your life you need to pull back a certain degree. Maintain your friendships but do so in a much more neutral nature, meaning include your husband in your activities. Unless the guy is as gay as purple grass, you should not be spending time alone with them.

    With the divorce rate of young couples is it so surprising trust and jealousy is such a big issue? This should probably have been resolved long before marriage was even considered. He must have shown subtle hints as to a controlling nature beforehand.

    Speak to him and attempt to find a middle ground. Things cannot remain the same as they were previous to marriage but they should not change so drastically as to cut apart your life one piece at a time. If he refuses to give up any ground, lay your foot down. Continue to be who you want to be and be with who you want to be with. It will put stress on your marriage so be prepared for some heated arguments, but maybe, just maybe, he will give in or at least give you a little leeway.

    Cheers.

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  • nice answer again mr inquisitive,

    guys if you think you can marry, and still retain complete independence on such issues you are wrong, that is not how marriage works in my eyes, it is a codependent system, you give up some freedom for support that you can in turn rely on

    also classical problem with big age-gap couples older men will want to settle down i.e. want YOU to settle down, you should talk about your life plans..fast! the things a 20yrs old wants to do are VERY different from what a 30yrs old wants. what you both need to do is bridge the gap, you can't move up 10 years and neither can he go down 10

    5 for both of you already is a stretch, but what you have to do is show your lifestyle to him, not exclude but include him, he's not just your means of support and the father of the children he will want very very soon but also your partner for life and that means all parts of it (to some degree)

    especially in the first year of marriage it is important to stick together, work out how exactly your future together will be.

    more importantly it does not matter that your friend is gay, I guess the thought of having to share you with someone else from now on and in the future might not look so good for him. its up to you to defuse the situation, let them meet a few times so he can make sure your friend is gay and not your f***buddy, and while you take the step you have the initiative, that's when you have to say:

    "ok look I am taking a step towards you, now you do the same, everything is mutual in a relationship so, give me your trust and I will not let you down"

    a relationship is constant work and that's what you will have to start doing if you want to reap something good

    (protip: you are a woman, find out how to talk to him and use it to even the strenght bias due to your age gap)

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What Girls Said 25

  • i'm sorry but...why did you not realize this before you got married?!?!?

    Jealousy is a big issue a lot in relationships. I don't understand what he thinks is so wrong with you hanging out with a guy that's gay. He really needs to get over it. But you have to also look at his perspective... has he been cheated on before maybe? He may just be worried of loosing you. There is no need to argue. Don't raise your voice. Just sit down with him and have a nice conversation about how he feels when you are with other men and what you can both do to somehow make both you and your husband happy with the way you resolve this issue

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  • Divorce is not your only option - try talking things out with him. Seek marriage counseling. Divorce is your last resource in extreme situations (in my opinion). You made your vows for a reason. Remind him about your loyalty to him. Remind him about the vows. Ask him why he is jealous. Are these friends perhaps younger than him - ten years younger? Perhaps he is afraid that you will think him too old if you continue to hang out with your guy friends that are your age.

    It may not be a case of jealousy - it could merely be insecurity. Be open and honest and encourage him to do so as well. If a third party intervention needs to happen, have one (preferably an unrelated party - a counselor or something similar).

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  • Does he not have any female friends, and if he doesn't, why not?

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  • that's just crazy. you are entitled to your friends. if my future husband condemns me from having ANY male friends, that's just atrocious because I have a lot of guy friends. he might be a little jealous or over protective like you said-controlling. I'd have a talk with him or even get you all to hang out so you can prove to him "nothing is going on" and seriously. nothing is. so he shouldn't worry so much. I'd find it annoying if my guy were to "ban" me from going out with who I want to as FRIENDS. wow. yeah definitely talk to him and hang out together to disprove any suspicious theories he might have.

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  • That's his problem, you should have any of the friends you want

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