He Says " Just Friends," but Actions Speak Louder than Words

[Anonymous]

I have recently started hanging out with a guy who I've known for the better part of seven years. He is the older brother of one of my best friends' fiance. Both of us have within the last year ended pretty turbulent relationships, and he has a 3 year old son. We have always been flirty, but I always pushed him off as just wanting sex. One day, a couple weeks ago from out of the blue he sends me a text message, asking me out for dinner and a movie. I'm generally a cheap date, don't want a lot of money spent on me, so we ended up just hanging out at his place. We started hanging out a lot, and within 3 days I stayed the night, but we slept separate and it was still chaste. I have since then spent more nights with him then I have spent in my own bed. Both of us went into whatever this is, saying no strings attached, but there is a massive amount of undeniable chemistry between us, and I can't decide what I should do. We very much enjoy each other's company, and he sends me texts throughout the day, asking what I'm doing, or how I am feeling. He calls me on his breaks from work to say Hello, or ask what I'm wearing. To be honest, I feel rather confused, because in his actions he speaks volumes of liking me. He says that the way I see him now isn't how he really is, but I feel like I understand him in a lot of ways that he hasn't seen yet. Recently he's started using pet names here and there, and I'm seeing small gestures that signify in my mind that he wants more, but he is a bull headed Taurus, and I'm a stubborn Sagittarius, and this began as, "just friends" (albeit with benefits), so even if there is something else there, I'm not sure if either one of us would be first to admit it. I know it won't be much longer before I start to get attached, and he's already admitted how quickly he can become attached to a person. I guess what I'm really wondering is, should I walk away and end this before it gets painful, or should I be content and happy with the way things are (as I've never been this comfortable in interactions with the opposite sex) and just let this go naturally wherever its headed?

[Shlei3]

I know a guy like this that is so shell-shocked (9 years later) from his terrible marriage that he is one to like only FWB relationships. That way he gets the perks of a relationship without the "emotional headaches". The really odd thing is that he will hang out with that girl day in and day out, go to movies, go to dinner, spends nights together, share what's going on with his life but never talk about feelings. He will not, however, commit. Once the girl starts talking about her feelings and whatnot he will shut it down with, "I am not your boyfriend." or he will just change the subject. This can leave a girl to feel pretty hurt or that something is wrong with her. Please be careful with yourself here. You have to be fair to yourself. If you are ok with what is going on than go on. But if you can't be in a relationship that has no said commitment than you may want to talk to him about it. Tell him hat you don't want him to treat you like that anymore and that because you are getting attatched.

[Asker]

I'm okay with not talking feelings, don't really have any of those right now. I know if I couldn't see him anymore, at least right now I'd be okay. It wouldn't kill me, wouldn't break my heart. I know he's not my boyfriend, I was okay with telling a housefull of friends that he and I were just friends, though everyone was staring in disbelief when I said it, due to the nature of our interactions, our closeness, and obvious fondness for each other's company.

[Shlei3]

Ok, so if you're ok what's the problem? I think you are in denial here. Things are ok right now. But you yourself said you could see yourself falling for this guy. If you didn't have feelings attatched you wouldn't be on here asking about your situation. So if you don't have feelings, what's the problem?

[Asker]

I don't think that I'm in denial, I know that I could get attached, though I can't visualize us as a couple, because it's not "in the cards" right now. I have it set in my mind that he can't give me what I want, but I don't know that I want a relationship. It just feels like whatever is going on is teetering on the edge of a blade, and its going to go one way or another sooner or later, which is an obvious fact of life... Just trying to gain some insight from outside perspectives.

[Shlei3]

What do you mean by "It's not in the cards"? I think he is getting attatched too. I just think you two need to be clear because two people not having a clue of what they want or don't want can spell disaster especially if there is a little boy involved. If he's a cautious dad then this is a big step for the relationship. I think you two need to talk again.

[Asker]

"not in the cards" - hasn't been discussed, though it is in the Cards, if you are into that kind of thing. Thing about the son: at first the guy was trying to not have me over while the son was there, but he seems to have thrown caution to the wind. I would wait till the son was in bed to come over, and leave before he got up, now I just leave before he gets up... but he's a smart kid and I know he can hear my car outside. I do think we need to talk again, but I'm not going to push anything.

[Shlei3]

Um, I gotta be honest here. I've been reading the conversation above and it's just all very contradicting. If you don't have feelings why would you want a commitment (even if it's in the back of your mind)? You are resistant one moment and then the next you pretend as if everything is ok. You are confusing which in turn, makes it hard to help you out seeing as you can't seem to get things straight in your head. I'm not trying to be mean. I just think you yourself are a bit confused.

[Asker]

I think you're right. I know I'm confused, at least in the front of my mind I don't know what I want. At the back of my mind are the subconscious hopes and wishes that are pretty normal when you realize that you really like someone. That's the thing though, I really like him, but I feel confident that I could just walk away. I just don't know if I should, because of the confusion, and I'd hate to look back and wonder, "What if."

[Shlei3]

I'm sure you would wonder what if. It's a double edged sword. Yes now you can walk away a lot easier than down the road. After a while your feelings will develop more and more for him. Down the road it won't be easy to walk away. This is why I say it's important that you two talk about it. Communication is important in any kind of relationship (friends, family, significant others). Etc.

[cutie123]

Wow..i didn't have to ask the question..but that's the best answer I've seen..and it is perfectly related to me and my fwb..he wants all the perks and I'm attached but he isnt...says he doesn't know if he will ever want anything serious again...this sucks so bad..but we are like everything to each other without the strings..hes free to be with whoever he wants..yet he doesnt!

[Anonymous]

i am in the same situation..and I've been debating for the longest time what to do..i am already attached but he reminds me we are just friends because he's not ready for anything serious...well then can you let it become serious...all I can do..if hide my attachment issues..ive enjoyed our time together..and I think oneday things will change once he is ready..so mybe just relax and let the good times roll. try not to get overally attached tho..just put some of those feelings on the back burner until they are ready to be brought up

[Bella0019]

me and this one guy (who I dated for 6 weeks, then broke up) are like that. he says friends, but I know that we aren't just friends. he recently 5 months ago broke up with his inane ex... so if you boy has a child, he may have commitment issues. that's what I think. just be there for him

[Atomizer]

I think you're so eager to have this guy in your life that you're willing to overlook the obvious:

You are an FWB.

You're rationalizing like crazy. Womens' biology has a strong urge to bond with whoever they're sleeping with, and that urge can make you blind to the obvious.

He might have a completely different view of this "undeniable chemistry." He obviously likes you. But whether he wants the same things as you, in the long term, is a separate question.

Unless, and until, you both agree to be exclusive, committed, monogamous, you're an FWB. Unless, and until, you both agree to shared rules and expectations, you're an FWB.

Good luck.

[Asker]

I don't think its eagerness to have him in my life, it just feels so comfortable, like nothing I've ever known before. I know he's exclusive, though at this point it may just be out of necessity than anything else. I do feel like he is trying to integrate me with his son a bit. He's a very attentive father, but had me help the son beat a boss on a video game, and wants his son to show me what happened over the weekend, and encourages him to talk to me though I'm trying to stay distant.

[Atomizer]

Have you both sat down, eye to eye, and both agreed to exclusivity? "We agree that we are dating. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. This means we will not date other people, and we are sexually monogamous." Until you have that conversation, you are an FWB.

I think introducing you to his son is a bad sign. His son's already had too much chaos in his young life, now he's meeting "daddy's special lady friend." Ick.

Good luck.

P.S. Astrology is nonsense. Use logic instead for decisions.

[Asker]

No, we haven't had that conversation. I know we are FWB, that I'm not denying. I've been a part of his family for years really, through his sister-in-law (who I've known since 1st grade). I have been trying to distance myself from the son for this reason, but his mother just had another baby two weeks ago.. conceived a week or so after the divorce. She lives with that guy now. Not using zodiac as a platform of consideration, I just know we're both predisposed to being stubborn.

[Atomizer]

I think if you want something in life, you need to ask for it or work towards it. Saying that you'll let things develop naturally is a way of avoiding responsibility for your choices.

Do you want a more serious commitment? Talk about it.

[Asker]

I think you are 100% right. In the back of my mind I do want a commitment, but at the front of my mind I know that I can't rush him or push him into it, it has to be on his end that he realizes he is willing to be more than FWB. I know it sounds redundantly foolish, to just stick it out in hopes that things might change, and is courting disaster, but maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I can't escape how totally comfortable and secure I feel with him, and that is uncharted territory for me.

[XoXoNJJLOver]

If I were you I would wait and see what could happen.

[CrazyGirlNay]

my advice, just let it go naturally