Guys: Do actions speak louder than words? What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Been seeing a guy for about 4 months. He's younger. I'm older. We were friends first. We go out to eat, go to movies, hang out at my house and he sleeps over several nights a week. We have never labeled our relationship and we don't get gushy about our feelings but I've developed strong feelings for him. I think I'm on my way to heart break and would love for him to say something to let me know where I stand. He's just not that type. He holds my hand a lot, puts his arm around me, cuddles, pulls me close and kisses me while we are sleeping, compliments my outfits, my hair etc, loves to make me laugh. When we were gonna be apart for a night he joked that I could have boyfriend #2 over. Does that make him "boyfriend" #1? That word has slipped out a couple times. The other night we were cuddling and I said he was the only one I was cuddling and he said "I sure hope so." So without pressuring him to talk or label this relationship, where do you think I stand?

[Tamikaze]

There are so many things that scream out at me when reading what you wrote.

1. "We have never labeled our relationship." Why not? What is wrong with that? If you don't define what you are both doing you will end up with heartbreak. I personally would not have sex outside of a committed relationship. Once most women become sexually involved with a guy, our heart follows but guys can and do enjoy casual sexual deals without ever fearing they will fall in love.

2. "He's just not that type." They are all potentially that type. I had a long term relationship with a guy who was a player (not advisable I might add). He was seeing someone before me for 3 years. Much of what you write, she could write about the two of them and he never once told her he loved her or wanted her for his girl. I think she thought they would be together forever in their undefined relationship. Well, he finally ended it with her, started seeing me and told me he loved me after 3 months. They are all potentially that type.

3. No-strings attached deals or FWB can mimic a regular relationship in about every possible way. The guy can love snuggling, say nice things, be affectionate, and want you to be exclusive to him. But, until he says he loves you and wants you for his girl, don't expect he isn't up for seeing other women or that he won't one day meet someone he sees as girlfriend material and dump you.

Sorry to be so brutal but been there, done that. Read posts from a lot of others who have too. It is time for you to talk to him and define this. If all he is doing is enjoying casual fun with you, you won't scare him away. In fact, he will be perfectly happy to continue this. He will just say something vague like "I don't believe in labels" or "I am not ready for a relationship", something lame like that.

But, if he loves you, this will be his chance to let you know and the two of you will be on the same page and you will stop wondering what the deal is.

[Tamikaze]

Oh, and the boyfriend #2 joke may mean absolutely nothing. I have seen guys do stuff like that and when asked they back off. The old double standard about a guy wanting the women he sleeps with to be exclusive to him while he is out with multiple women is still alive and kicking.

However, it could be his way of trying to put something out there. So, I think you should take that comment and use it to find out what is going on.

[Asker]

I appreciate the honesty. It gives me things to think about. When I say he's not that type I mean he isn't big on communicating his feelings and being vulnerable. He isn't a player at all and he isn't seeing anyone else either. He does talk about me like I'm his "lady." but I think it's too soon for the "L" word. I asked him if he wanted to stop hanging out and he said there's no way he was gonna stop.

[Tamikaze]

The "player" was definitely not big on having emotions, much less communicating them. So, I don't know what you are afraid of? If you feel strongly about him, why would you think he wouldn't feel the same. Are you afraid that if you tell him you love him that he will lose the love he has for you? No, I think you are afraid that you might find out something you don't want to know. Put it this way, if he doesn't feel strongly for you now, sister, it isn't coming later.

[MrOracle]

I would say that he thinks you are in a relationship, BUT... not everyone defines that the same way. So, you need to talk to him about it and both of you need to show your cards.

"Hey, remember the other night when I told you that you were the only one I was cuddling? Well, you are, because when I'm in a relationship, I'm a one-man girl. But I need to know that it works the same way with you, so how do you see this going?"

It sounds to me like his little "boyfriend #2" joke was designed to ask the same question, in a round-about way. He wants to talk about this too, but he also doesn't know how, so you'll be helping both of you by bringing it up.

[wordsOFwisdom]

I think he likes you to the point where he's falling in love with you. He's putting you to test by saying the boyfriend #1 and #2 think you mentioned just to see how you respond. Good Luck

[Asker]

If you don't mind me asking what about my scenario makes you think he's falling in love? I would agree that he rings up things like the boyfriend comment to get reassurance from me that he's the only one. Is it possible that he is just playing it cool because I'm older and that's a bit intimidating?

[wordsOFwisdom]

NO, I'm 10+ years older than my gf... We never discuss age just because were in love and all is so well!

[Asker]

We don't discuss age either. It's never been much of an issue. He likes that I'm older and more mature. I just know he mentioned in the beginning that he was a little intimidated by me. I'm 12 years older. What makes you think he's in love?

[wordsOFwisdom]

I highly doubt it he's playing it cool because of age...

[Anonymous]

same situation as me! when you know, let me know!