Depression? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

We met eachother 5 months ago. Became boyfriend and girlfriend about 3 weeks ago and We broke up only 4 days ago. long story short he was afraid to say it wouldn't work and realised he wasn't in love with me but wanted to be in my life and could risk losing me so i accepted his friendship. I planned to hangout with him tomorrow and just canceled because although at the time i was certain i was over it because i too realised i loved him but was not in love. I still love him but am afraid when i see him, that its too soon? And the wound has to heal. So i feel horrible for having canceled go to the mall and shopping with him tomorrow as "friends" he said he wanted to be there for me like no one else, well, no one knows how sad i really am inside, im stressed about school, family and work. I often feel like dying. I tried reaching out to him after canceling for tomorrow and he's ignore me. We just moved to this place and I have no friends. I have moved 5 times in my life and each place i find change to be hard so i get more depressed. I have nobody. He is my only friend and i feel terrible for being a burden i also feel terrible that he hadn't messaged back. Im venting to ease the guilt and pain. Im sorry,

Updates

+1 y

I hide behind a smile. When i am around family and other i am myself.. I feel happy. Its just when I get by myself in my room alone i think of every possible thing wrong and i contemplate suicide

Updates

+1 y

I might have scared him away. We once talked about this and i mentioned my story as "past tense" and he mentioned he went through it before. I thought he would be understanding so i reached out to him. I hate being referred to as his "ex" now that he considers me his friend

[nert73]

Just be honest. That's the best thing you could do. Explain to him that you need some time to get used to this different type of relationship. To make it easier for you, don't tell him everything about what you're feeling. Just be vague and polite.

[thelanatellama]

You should reeeeeaaaly talk to a therepist if you aren't already...
You were probably right to cancel. No point dragging up feelings that you're trying to push back down

[Asker]

About to talk to my parents about seeing a therapist! Praying. Thank you for your opinions and encouragement. I acknowledge now that it was ideed probably best to cancel. Thanks again

[thelanatellama]

No problem.
Although you probably won't, you can message me any time if you want someone to listen or even if you just want to rant over something just for the sake of getting it off of your chest.
I've been going through an extreme anxiety disorder for the past 6 years and know how much it can help just to tell someone how you feel.