Weight loss, self esteem, goals in life. How do I get what I want without making myself feel like sh*t?

Question

So I was overweight all of my life. Last May I decided to change my life and eat healthy + exercise regularly. Since that day I have lost close to 50 pounds. Woo! I still have a long way to go but I'm so proud of myself for getting this far. I'm nearly 21 years old and I've never been in a relationship. Before the weight loss journey, I always said that I wanted to fall in love while I was still overweight. I wanted this so that I wouldn't feel worthless at that weight. Because I wasn't worthless. Weight doesn't determine your self worth. My biggest fear is getting guys interested in me AFTER I lose all of the weight. Because then how do I know its sincere? How do I know its not all physical? More importantly, how can I keep my self esteem up knowing that NO ONE wanted me before I lost all the weight and now people are suddenly up my butt all the time? Does my concern make sense? I want to be loved for ME and not my body. I'm obviously not going to stop losing weight because it is healthier for me to live this way. I just wish I could have met someone beforehand so I don't have to hurt my self esteem if someone ends up falling for me now.

vmw2008 · Accepted Answer

This is a justified concern, but one that you would run into while you were overweight as well. Lots of people are users and in relationships for the wrong reasons. Maybe they would have gone after you then because they assumed you'd be insecure and easy to manipulate? Your weight will not ward off users and players.

It is true that you will get some guys interested in you now because you're thinner, that can't be helped. However, the weeding out process won't be any different. You are still just as likely (if not more) to find a good, genuine man who wants you for who you are. Attraction is just part of the process, so becoming healthier will increase the amount you need to weed through, but will also increase your amount of good options. Give the good guys a break. I'm sure you weren't breaking your neck to notice and approach the overweight guy right? Let this be a window of opportunity now for a good guy to notice you and like you for your looks, but grow to love you for your personality.

Congrats on the weightloss! This is a GOOD thing. Don't let your fears ruin how proud you should feel.

why-makoto-kun · Accepted Answer

I understand your concerns have sometimes have poor body image myself. However, think of it this way: a lot of guys like "bigger" women, and plenty of attractive people can have dry spells.

So, it's great that you're becoming healthy and are looking good! But I think it's a stretch to say nobody at all wanted you before. And if they didn't? They lost out on you.

Honestly? I tell everyone to go to therapy (I believe most people should attend therapy at some point, lol), and I think that attending a few free counseling sessions at school about this would be a good idea for you. :) Best of luck.

DeepBlue · Accepted Answer

I think your dilemma is understandable, however there might be an adjustment period in terms of how you perceive yourself. You say you are worried someone won't love you for you and only be attracted to you because you are skinny. But the fact is you ARE skinny (and are getting skinnier still by the sounds of things) so eventually this will become your self-image. Yes it's true that there are plenty of shallow people out there, but you will be able to tell who those people are. The ones who ask you about your interested, have good conversations with you, remember things you have said, those are the signs you are with someone who appreciates you as a human being and not an object. I know you're anxious about having your first relationship in general, but for the most part this is a very positive development in your life, despite the bumps that may come along the way.

marksmith108 · Accepted Answer

I understand you completely. I was on the other end of the scale. I used to be super small and skinny. With hard work and dedication I quickly gained 20 pounds of muscle. Suddenly girls noticed and talked to me. Some even flirted with me. It was kinda nice but I was kinda pissed too because my personality never changed but now that I'm physically attractive u want me? I get it, it sucks how the world works and I continue dieting and exercising for me and no one else. Thankfully, because of our journey we understand that personality is way more important than looks.

Anonymous · Answer

You're absolutely right, your self-worth has nothing to do with your looks or personal achievements. However, with that being said, guys base at least half of their attraction on appearance alone. It has to do with the idealistic social construct of beauty but it's still a real construct. You're probably not going to win someone over based on looks alone but without them you're not going to get much of anything either. That's just the reality of having moved into romantic love instead of arranged love.

You know the sincerity of love in a relationship over time, particularly when the guy isn't just in it for sex. Your concern makes perfect sense but you're going to have a difficult time finding that guy doesn't take your looks into consideration at all.

moviedude714 · Answer

I used to weigh 215lbs and now I lost 30 pounds!, so now I weigh 185lbs, and I went from a waist 40 to a waist 36!I made this goal so I can become more confident about myself and feel better about myself, I want to keep my motivation for going to the gym and exercising because working out helps me release a lot of stress and anger and frustration how about being single as well, and I feel that if I am more physically attractive, it could probably increase my luck with the ladies even though most people say that girls are not as attracted to looks as much as we guys are, I feel that the better I look physically the easier it will make for me during initial encounters with girls

Racez · Answer

You're over thinking about a lot of useless things.

If you're trying to make yourself feel beautiful and attractive to men, then you've got nothing to worry about. Just go out there, and show men that you're the best version of yourself.

For me, you already look beautiful.

Poppykate · Answer

Attraction is biological. From a psychological basis, males will choose their partners based on reproductive reasons. Smallish waist ( as it usually indicts good health), large breasts and wide hips for fertility etc. (something I learnt in psych101) the great thing is for most people, we also have brains that take into account other factors likes intelligence, confidence, charm, wit etc.

Anonymous · Answer

Regardless if you were heavy previously and have lost weight now you will interact with men , consider the fact that some men prefer heavy built women! So in that sense even they can be used by a man, the main point is knowing when and when not that you are being respected and to not reflect it on your own image, by doing so you permit them to do so as well. Hope I helped. (Fitness trainer =] )

Moloch · Answer

No one will love you for you unless they're somewhat physically attracted to you first. That is how the world works.

ForestCrush · Answer

I lost 150 lbs and feel like crap. And I hate people 100x more than I did when I was fat.

adamfk1 · Answer

im ugly so no girl will ever date me , so I'm sh*t no matter what I do

Weight loss, self esteem, goals in life. How do I get what I want without making myself feel like sh*t?

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