What should I do if a girl uses me as backup?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I've never felt a girl feel more of a fit for me, personality and looks wise. There's just so much we have in common and it's so easy to joke around and talk.

Anyway, in the beginning it was good. She wanted to do everything with me. Then one time, when we had plans, her boyfriend (yup) came from out of state to surprise her, and she didn't even tell me, so I showed up at her place and...yeah, it was messy (boyfriend never saw me, but she answered the door and basically took me to the side and told me).

After that, our communications became frayed. She apologized several times, but it was clear we were no longer each others' first options. Now, if I get contacted with her, it will be as an obvious backup situation: it's Friday, Saturday night and she has nothing to do so she'll contact me. Whereas in the past, we made plans like 3 days in advance to ensure we wouldn't make plans to interfere with ours.

I don't like whatever this is anymore. Frankly I just want to forget about it. I don't like being a backup. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Do what you want, but if you're looking for a serious relationship then you'll definitely wanna look somewhere else. If you just want a fling or friends with benefits relationship then all power to you. If you are wanting something serious then you are going to get hurt, majorly.

I have been in a similar situation where I was seeing a girl that had the most in common with me and was the most attractive girl that I've been with. We also hit it off as well and our conversations flowed so smoothly. Unfortunately this girl had just gotten out of a relationship and had baggage from previous relationships. She complained about her ex a few times, but I had no idea what rebounds were at the time so I didn't know what to think about it. I was just more annoyed by it and was like I don't care about your ex.

This girl also came on very strong and then once I showed my feelings back she flaked and then started talking to her ex that she complained to me about. I don't think they're dating, but that was a sh*tty move on her part.

Bottom line is if a girl mentions her ex whether it's in a good or bad way, the issue isn't whether she praises or bashes her ex. The issue is that the ex is on her mind and she's not over it. This is a pain I wanna never feel again.

[madhatters4]

just stop talking to her.

she misled you not explaining that she has a dude. she clearly uses you as a place holder, a guy who likes her who will give her attention, unless the dude is in town. she just seems pretty low character in these regards.

now perhaps she didn't know how she felt about you but considering she took you aside and explained things it seems clear she knew what she was doing.

just don't talk to her. if she reaches out to you just explain that you don't appreciate her treatment and won't deal with it

[Asker]

"now perhaps she didn't know how she felt about you but considering she took you aside and explained things it seems clear she knew what she was doing."

So if she didn't know how she felt about me, what would her behavior have been like instead?

[madhatters4]

sorry that meant to be, perhaps she didn't know how YOU felt about HER... but again this seems unlikely since she felt a need to pull you aside

[amabc]

Were you and she "hanging out" or actually "dating?" As in did you guys kiss, cuddle, etc.? Did she never mention having a boyfriend, or just not tell you when her boyfriend had come to surprise her? Did things get ugly 'cos she didn't want you there, or due to you getting upset her boyfriend was there?

'Cos...depending on the answers...she might have seen you as a friend she really enjoyed and not a placeholder, and you just may have misinterpreted the friendship; and so now she doesn't enjoy you as much anymore.

I mean, no matter what you ended up as if you were led on, but the answers to my questions would show whether she intended to lead you on or if she had no such intention and you just misinterpreted, perhaps out of wishful thinking on your part.

[Asker]

1. hanging out

2. just not tell me when her boyfriend had come

3. mix of both.

[amabc]

From that, it sounds like she didn't want to use you or lead you on. She told you she had a boyfriend and you and she had never done anything romantic. Her boyfriend surprised her, so it's easy to see how she just didn't get to telling you he was there.

She saw you as a friend, one she really enjoyed. You seem to have wanted more, but that was never her intent. Others are being hard on her, but from your answers she never did anything you the wrong idea.

[Asker]

she'd dress up, we'd drink wine at her place, watch movies, go to dinners, concerts, theme parks, road trips, most of them at her behest.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what you want. If you want a committed relationship which is exclusive, she is not that one for you ...right now anyway. She may change as she ages OR never do so. Commitment is a two way street my friend, if you stick around waiting and maintaining that she is that awesome woman for you, think again! The cat is out of the bag!

In relation to meeting as a 'booty call' - you can DO that too but then don't get your emotions involved. I think ye men are better at this than us girls. She'll happily use you, but you could too if you're willing. If you just go along anyway and keep her as your number one, you will be regarded as having low self esteem. Just take care of yourself my man.

There is more than one person who is right for us out there!

[Asker]

so for the sake of argument, I decided to use her, how would I go about that?

[Opinion Owner]

Why waste your time...using is, getting what you want from her e.g. sleeping with her & charming her to make her say the things you want to hear while not caring for her. Being nice for the cause but when she is out of sight, you're unto other girls. Being a player in other words. It can work for you or against you. I don't support it but just saying..

[CeceD]

You should never be anyones plan B! My advice nip this whatever it may be in the bud ASAP before heavy feelings get involved if they haven't already!. I knew a girl JUST like this in college. She had plan b's,c's, d's and whenever her boyfriend came into town to visit her she would throw those guys to the side and I felt so bad for them because some of them really fell for her but all she did was use and abuse them. Not to mention her poor boyfriend who had no idea. This girl is only using you no matter what she says to contradict that. Kick her to the curb lol you deserve better!

[martyfellow]

I'd just tell her! Why wouldn't you tell her exactly how you feel?

She wouldn't be surprised, and I'm sure she'd understand; would she like to be a backup? I sort of doubt it. If you let this go on, it will get stickier and stickier; the boyfriend will start getting jealous before long.

You can tell her you can still be friends, but not to call you just because her boyfriend is busy and she wants company. She should have girl friends for that situation, imao.

[tzdc21]

Just do what you said. Forget about it and move on. Do not ever accept being someone's backup option. Either you're the top option or you're single.

[Deviouscourage]

I am no one's plan B,

Either you choose me ,

Or you lose me

[Anonymous]

I'd also like to say that never make someone a priority who only considers you an option.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Dump her and find another girl.