My roommate is pregnant and I'm a grad student. Help?

[kdizzleforizzle91]

My roommate and her "boyfriend" of 3 months broke up the day I moved in (August 2nd). A couple weeks later, she found out she was pregnant, and now they're getting married before he deploys to Korea in December for a year. After that, she plans to go to Japan with him and the baby (his next assignment). She thinks that because he's the nicest guy she's dated and that she's 32 and might not be able to have another kid later are good reasons to marry this guy she barely knows and keep the baby, but I think she's being very immature and irresponsible about it.

I think she expects me to switch bedrooms with her since mine is bigger and hers can't fit a lot of baby stuff. When I signed the lease, I wasn't signing on for a baby too and I don't think it's right for me to have to sacrifice any more than I know I'll have to (quiet for sleep and studying). It would also take a lot of work because I'd have to paint over the obnoxious orange paint in her room, and get carpet taken out of my room that she wouldn't want to keep... only to give her and the baby this room for 6 months or so until I got a new roommate.

I don't want to leave this apartment unless it's completely necessary, because it's the best priced and best location I could find for school. I don't have my own car now so I have to be within walking distance or close to the bus route for school/internships. It's also my grandparents who are paying my rent and school bills right now, so any cost increase from moving or moving expenses would come from them. I really think my roommate is being stupid and selfish with this whole situation, not just for me, but for herself. I don't know what to do or what the right step is to take. I need to keep the peace in my home for my sanity, but she needs a wake up call.

[nfigure]

Aw Kassie, sorry to hear about such a turn of events right after you just moved in. =(

And yeah, just go on keeping your room, and try to put the whole issue of room assignments out of your mind so as not to be stressed -- by that factor, at least. Because it shouldn't even be a factor. I assume you both agreed on which room you'd be getting when you moved in, and you were not family or friends with each other beforehand (I'm guessing?), but were essentially 2 unrelated people who entered into something like a "business deal" to pay the rent, and so a deal is a deal.

If she needs more room than her personal room, maybe she can use a bit of the common/shared areas, if there are any. But parents all over the world with babies make do with small places all the time, even if it means sacrificing some of their own things in that space to free up room for the baby. She'll just have to tough it out for a few months.

If she starts lashing out because of the stress of her situation -- and it is a HEAVY one, the matter of a new human life that is now completely in her hands -- just try to stay out of her way, I guess. =/ It's great if you two could be good friends through all this, but if not, there's no shame in keeping your distance from each other and being two civil people -- as much as possible -- who just happen to share the same roof. You're just *room* mates after all, not family or previously-best friends.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

Yeah, I completely agree that SHE needs to learn to sacrifice if she's choosing to keep this baby. Not to be a bitch, but it's not my problem nor responsibility to make accommodations. I'm fine with her using part of the living room for things. She just seems to think she has to have all the baby's things in her room. My goals are indeed to remain her ally through this process, and to not have to move out since this is an ideal apartment for me. Just because she was here first doesn't mean I have to bend to her every whim. She needs a wake up call. I'm going to talk to the landlord first, then set up a meeting with the 2 of us if talking to her one on one after leads to some disagreement. If the baby causes a problem, she should be the one to move out, not me, since her change of residence would only be temporary.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I feel bad... I don't remember your name lol. Screen name looks familiar, though! :D

[nfigure]

@kdizzleforizzle91 It was probably smart of you indeed to talk to the landlord first, so that he/she knows what's going on before any disputes possibly come up. Hope it all works out. Who knows? -- if your roommate turns out to be reasonable about your living arrangement, and the baby doesn't disturb your study/sleep TOO much, living with a new mom and baby for a bit might turn out to be one of those interesting life experiences where we learn a lot from it. xD

[kdizzleforizzle91]

Turns out she's moving into the baby's father's house now and she discussed it with the landlord. He will probably give me a discount on rent until I find someone else to move in.

[nfigure]

@kdizzleforizzle91 Ah ok! :D And who knows? -- living alone for a bit on a discount until you find someone else to move in, might turn out to be one of those interesting life experiences where we learn a lot from it. Haw haw haw haw. xD

[BlueCoyote]

I completely understand you. I would also be rather annoyed about that. Now, I don't know what the exact laws are where you live but I have this strong feeling that you are in the right here (judicially speaking). If you wanted to, I'm pretty sure you could take legal steps against your roommate. As you said yourself: you didn't sign up for the baby. In any case, you are certainly not the one who needs to leave. If anyone has to leave, it's her. If you feel very uneasy about it, I would perhaps inform myself about legal steps you could take (perhaps you have a student organisation at your university that helps other students in legal problems or with housing or something like that).

[kdizzleforizzle91]

Thanks. I don't want to go legal if I don't have to, which is why I'm trying to figure out how to talk to her calmly, even though I'm nothing but calm. After she dropped the bombs on me about the pregnancy and marriage, etc., she left for a trip to Europe for 3 weeks and gets back tomorrow. So I've had all this time alone to think about it and have gotten stressed.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

She works as a court interpreter so she knows a lot of legal stuff. I'm hoping that wouldn't ruin things for me.

[Octavius]

Wait so she only recently became pregnant and your lease is only for 6 months? Your lease will be up before she has the baby won't it?

[kdizzleforizzle91]

The lease lasts until next May, around the time she'll have the baby.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

Once she has the baby, she'd only be here another 6 months or so because she'd go to Japan with her future husband on his next Air Force assignment.

[NotMyUsername15]

If that's not your apartment then you shouldn't be too choosy. Plus, that's a baby for god sake, you can't leave them both crowded in a small room.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

It's my apartment just as much as it is hers. I pay half the rent and bills and both our names are on the lease. Yes, the money is from my grandparents, but they're just helping until I gain employment after my master's degree is finished.

[NerdInDenial]

Have you tried talking to your landlord about the situation, or did you agree to live this girl?

[kdizzleforizzle91]

No one knew about her pregnancy until I'd been here a couple weeks. I'm not sure what to say to the landlord and don't really want to go legal on her unless we can't resolve it ourselves. I'm just trying to figure out what to say to her.

[NerdInDenial]

You're not going to change her mind if she is dead set on having the baby. You're going to have to establish some rules with her. Address the issue of not moving out of your room. You can't control her baby's behavior, unfortunately. Thus, you're going to have to decide if you are going to stay in that situation or not.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I realize I can't change her mind about having the baby. I just don't want her throwing a fit about the room. We had discussed the option and when it would be done if we decided on it, but I never fully committed to it.

[NerdInDenial]

Tell her that you're not going to move.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

She already told me that she doesn't want me to feel obligated to move because she thinks we're beginning a really nice friendship. I'm not moving apartments or rooms, I just don't know how crazy she'll get on me with her pregnancy hormones. I've heard terrible things about pregnancy mood swings. Maybe I'm worrying to much about that, but like I said, I just want to keep the peace since I'll have to live with her at least until next December.

[NerdInDenial]

Worst case, just leave the house and go to the library if she gets hormonal.