It's Not About YOU. Love Them The Way THEY Want To Be Loved.🚪🔑

[justbanANNAz]

This is very very important. I can't stress it enough.

[I'm aware that love is a 2 way street, so this has nothing to do with you putting in effort without that being reciprocated. Let's get that very clear. Both people need to put in just as much to make it work and last.]

Ok...

We live in a society of 'me me me'. It's very self-centred, even when it comes to extending our own emotions onto and investing them into somebody else.

But the truth is... it's not all about you. 🙅🏽

Different Personalities, Different Doors.🚪

Everyone has a different personality. We know this.💁🏽

Some connect more than others, some clash even before they speak. You need to establish from the start who you click with, and who you don't. In settings where you are required to do so, such as the workplace, you need to coexist harmoniously with people that you may essentially despise the shit out of.

Same with love.

I'm not saying love someone you despise. I'm saying, don't ever think for a moment, that you will end up with Miss or Mr Perfect. If you are looking for the perfect partner, you will never find them... they don't exist.

Now the point is that because these different personalities exist, this means that the way in which people express, understand, and desire to be loved, is DIFFERENT.

What worked on your exes won't work on your current and future partners. Sure, to an extent it can, but that doesn't set you apart.

The Conundrum? WRONG KEY.🔑

People convince themselves that they've got the right key for the right door, even when they've jimmied it a thousand times, and the door refuses to open.

Ehm... what if you considered for just a moment, that maybe... you're using the wrong key? 😐

Here are 2 BRIEF examples that I've just made up to illustrate. [don't bother analysing each one because they're not academic stimuli for you to closely critique -.- ]

Example 1: Him. 👨🏽

Let's say you have a guy who has recently won over the girl of his dreams. He's a hard worker, he's fit, healthy, successful, financially stable, and intelligent. However, his life is just so jam packed that he doesn't actually spend time with his girl, or give her sufficient time to communicate. He reaches a decision:

"Because women love gifts, I'm going to send her a small gift everyday to compensate. That will make her feel better, and understand I still love her. It'll also show her I'm a top boyfriend."

Example 2: Her. 👩🏽

Let's say you have a girl who has recently won over her man. He loves her zest for life. She's an excellent communicator, very opinionated, bubbly, bright, caring and a sweetheart. She gives her man lots of time, and goes out of her way to be with him. However, when they converse, a large portion of the conversation is situated around her own life, emotions, plans, dreams, hardships, etc. As she's speaking, she comes to an observation:

"Wow he seems to be so interested, what an amazing listener! I feel like he loves me so much that he can just listen to me talk all day. What a guy! *swoon*...Omg I need to tell him about this adorbs Too Faced eyeshadow palette I got the other day."

_____

Now, you would have noticed a number of issues in these examples, but the underlying problem here is ASSUMPTIONS.

Love is NOT expecting someone to go with your flow, because that is 'just who I am', that is 'just how I choose to express love', and that is 'how I expect them to receive my love'.

... Because when you 'love' someone based on your personality, your priorities, your schedule, and what you are comfortable with... then that is not loving them. That is selfishness - prioritising yourself.

#realbanANNAtalk 👊🏽 can i get an amen?

- What if she wants your time more than your flowers? [Not that gifts aren't great, but they aren't everything.]

- What if he wants you to stop talking for a minute and just listen to him?

- What if she would love to see a text message from you?

- What if he actually wants to be vulnerable around you, and you're not giving him the space to do so?

- What if she'd rather pay for the entire date, just to get you to spend time with her?

- What if he likes hearing compliments too, every now and then?

What if you've come to the right place, you've got the right door, but you're holding the wrong key? Don't you think it's utterly foolish to just turn around and walk away without trying to find a way to get in first? And yet this is what a lot of people do... because it's . . . easier.

The mindset is:

"Why on earth should I make such an exhausting effort for someone who just won't click with me like I want them to?"

My Advice to that^^: do NOT call whatever you wish to get in, a relationship. Do not say you want to 'fall in love'. That is not what you want, because a lack of effort is not love. Don't insult people who are actually in loving committed relationships, by calling your fooling around, love. Please. ✋🏽

So, what is love in this case then?

LOVE IS...

Love IS putting yourself, your own ideas of love, and your own 'methods' of how you think love is best expressed aside, to cater to how the person you are with WANTS to be loved. REAL love is all the wonderful stuff, but it is also sacrifice, it is struggle and it is not getting your way every time.

If you want to really experience a higher level of love than what you see on T.V, then you must grasp the concept that you are not supposed to be fully comfortable, settled, or find it 'easy'.

- You're not a man of many words? TALK MORE FOR HER.

- You're a woman who has trust issues? OPEN UP MORE FOR HIM.

- You're a man who is afraid of the dating scene? TAKE THE RISK FOR HER.

- You're a woman who isn't much into PDA? SURPRISE HIM FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

- You're a man who simply 'doesn't have time'? MAKE TIME, OR LEAVE.

- You're a woman who feels more comfortable over text? GROW SOME AND CALL HIM.

- You're a man who finds it 'too mushy' to compliment his girl? GROW SOME AND CALL HER BEAUTIFUL DAMMIT.

...You just gotta be able to adapt to that person if you really love them, you know? You've gotta learn to ditch your pride that you hold onto so tightly, and just think of what would happen if you thought 'how does HE/SHE want to be loved?' instead of 'how should I love this person?

They shouldn't have to tell you. You shouldn't have to ask. You need to figure it out, write that ish down if you have to, and remember 'this person likes to be loved in these ways, so that is what I'll do, whether I like that or not.'

. . .

I know, it's a scary thought, putting who you are aside for somebody else.

Sure, it's a bit risky,

but it could also be worth it.

Yep, you could get hurt...

but that's why they call it 'falling'. <3

---

~ j.B🍌

[Phoenix98]

I agree love is being uncomfortable sometimes and getting out of your comfort zone to try new things that your partner likes or needs or wants. To love them how they want to be loved not how you want to love them but at the same time you should also love them the way you want to love them as well because both have merit and sometimes what a person wants isn't always what they need.

It is sacrifice, it is compromise among other things. And remember being in the comfort zone is fine, you should want to be there some of the time but dip your toes at of the box every now and then and come out of your comfort zone. And of course remember to communicate because none of this is possible without communication.

And if you've come to the right place, you've got the right door, but you're holding the wrong key, maybe the key has to adapt to the lock, or maybe the lock just isn't ready or want the key right now, but you don't give up, you keep trying, but don't give up.

Remember love ain't easy and sometimes falling for someone is risky you could get hurt, multiple times even but if you know in your heart she's worth it and that something can or could come out of it, if not now then later, hold onto your key, you never know someday it might fit.

[StewieRH]

Awesome MyTake! Got me thinking.

I sometimes write letters to my boyfriend on wordpad but never send them as I think they're too sappy but I admitted this to him once and he really wanted to hear one. I told him a few fragments from them I remembered and he just thought it was cute. Last time I actually sent the full letter although I was really embarrassed too and he responded with "Aw it cute, I don't know what to say to that" and told me I was the best girlfriend he ever had (I'm only his 2nd).

I wasn't going to send him anymore although he asked why and told me I should just send them. I don't want too in case their too sappy and it's embarrassing and I don't want to be needy but maybe if it makes him happy I should just send them. I mean he doesn't like hugs but will still hug me just because I like them.

[justbanANNAz]

thanks!

aww that's really cute :) look, i think that as long as u now know he likes it, then u should continue to do it for him, but sparingly. if u do it too much, the meaning will slowly fade. thats not anyone's fault, but the more accustomed we become to something, the more we take it for granted.

just continue to find out what it is that makes him feel wonderful, and he in turn should do the same for u.

[StewieRH]

Thanks and yes, I was thinking it might lose its specialty if I send him them too often. I may just send them when he's done something super nice for me or something.

[0112358]

THis is the basic idea of the 5 love languages stuff, which is pretty good, though it tries to really downplay sex by just considering it a sub category of affection. But the treatment of gifts/time/acts of kindness/compliments are all really good.

I think that people can learn to express love in the way their partner desires, if they genuinely understand HOW it works. Personally gifts have a relatively low impact on me, for my partner they're a little higher, but i never understood till recently how people who like gifts appreciate small gifts so much. Once I did i was able to do it more often. On the other hand she makes zero effort go go anywhere near what would make me feel loved. Oh well.

You can learn, but you have to want to and not actively dislike what the other wants.

[justbanANNAz]

YES, exactly.
this is fantastic.

[0112358]

Yeah. Easier said then done though. Many people seem to -refuse- to accept others emotional connections as valid. And there's a fair bit of brainwashing many of us face growing up that can inhibit it.

[Spirit_Is_Free]

Yeah I like your ideas - Love to me is about communication - Through that communication you find the balance that most suits you - As you say everyone is different, every relationship is different - So what would be my advice first keep your eyes and ears open at first then when you process that information open your mouth - During all this keep your heart, mind and soul open - Find the right place for you and work damn hard to keep it.

[justbanANNAz]

i appreciate it.
very well said as always, thank you for the input.

[AhGojira]

You've got the idea that everyone loves differently... good... You're missing the fact that people are only going to love the way they do... not good... That's why you have to find a person that feels loved by the way you show love... Otherwise it's just an act that will crash and burn eventually.

[justbanANNAz]

you missed my very point which was that you must commit yourself to loving the way they want to be loved, in addition to loving the way you do... not good.

if you want to view this as a failed attempt to save relationships, as i've gotten in the past, go right ahead. doesn't bother me. i have one message, and that's what I'm sending out.

[AhGojira]

I understood exactly what you were saying, I just didn't agree with it. I've been around here long enough to notice you. You're very cautious, you have a strong craving for romance and a genuine person, but at the same time you want fairness and for things to be harmonious. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings… The thing is you can compromise on a lot of things to keep a relationship functioning, but not on how you express or feel love to one another. That stuff has to be genuine or it just doesn't feel real or come often enough…You can't ignore your feelings even when they get messy and throw your yearning for balance off keel. Loving them the way they want to be loved, if not true to yourself does you and them no justice.. You might fit the mold for a while and it might keep things balanced for a time, but you will eventually grow to resent each other. One of you will try harder than the other to keep up the act (most likely you), and you will hate them for it.

[AhGojira]

Depending on how perceptive your partner is, they may see through your act and feel like you are manipulating them (playing them) to use them and that's not a good feeling to have. Either you or him will feel unfulfilled and it will crash and burn. That's what I am saying… It's cool that you are willing to work at it, but if you want a genuine man, you have to be genuine yourself...

[justbanANNAz]

[I'm aware that love is a 2 way street, so this has nothing to do with you putting in effort without that being reciprocated. Let's get that very clear. Both people need to put in just as much to make it work and last.]

did you read this bit? because i feel like on this site, whatever i don't elaborate in detail MUST MEAN that i'm not aware of it.
OBVIOUSLY if ur looking for someone genuine, you're going to have those foundations yourself.

[AhGojira]

*sigh* yous still don't get it... Maybe with age.

[justbanANNAz]

lol of course...

[AhGojira]

I know you're stubborn... I just thought I'd help you out with something that you are missing. If you want to be bull headed I don't really care. :D

[justbanANNAz]

acting like you know me based on what you've seen of me on the threads is a huge mistake. any one of my closer friends here will confirm that.

[AhGojira]

It's ok I don't have to care about you or who you are... You made an interesting statement, which influenced me that you might be partial good, hence worth my time to hint you to something that might broaden your perspective and make you a better person and lead to a potentially happier life. We old people tend to want to give back the older we get... Erikson called it the generativity vs. stagnation stage... Albeit I a good decade early, that's all it is...

[lazermazer]

One cannot remain the same entire life... one cannot always like the same... i remember i used to like playing games... time changed... now i can't spend more than 2 mins playing games... why time changes everything... even if its love... even ur younger version will disagree with present version nur present version with future versions... only thing you can do about is accept n try to make it more enjoyable n loving... nice take by the way

[justbanANNAz]

that's true.
thank you.

[lazermazer]

Then it that button :p

[lazermazer]

*hot

[lazermazer]

Damn...*hit

[takumii]

I remembered the best advice my ex's mother (my counsellor) gave me while reading this take :-

"Having your way with everything feels satisfying , but seeing this satisfaction on the face of your loved ones is pure bliss"

by the way.. >_> your take was poorly edited and most memes /Gif were stupid.
#hateyotakes

[joeb73]

if everyone would read this and understand it then there wouldn't be so many questions about why isn't this relationship working or why dont they have the same feeling as i do

[justbanANNAz]

yeah i was hoping the take would give some people a bit of clarity.

[joeb73]

is it ok if i put a link to this on another post

[NotMyUsername15]

Sacrificing/"giving in", isn't love. It's a pathway to deception, they're better off calling it quits.

[justbanANNAz]

this opinion has no validity in my eyes, because it doesn't stem from logic or reason, but resentment.

[smahala1991]

Great take as always Anna :) you have to really click with a person to grow with them in love. True love doesn't even have to be romantic. It's putting someone elses needs before yours.

[justbanANNAz]

thanks, well said :)

[smahala1991]

You're Welcome. My love for the movie Frozen and Olaf taught me something lol. But seriously my best friend is a girl I love very deeply and she has two kids and they see me as a uncle and she looks at me as a brother figure

[Facepalm]

That first pic, the key is male and the lock female...

I see what you did :D xD

[Scrambledagain]

The key analogy😏 There is a saying somewhere that master players or pick up artists are like skeleton keys. Can open many locks.

[justbanANNAz]

haha :P
sure they can, but that isn't what I'm really addressing here. I'm talking about unlocking personalities not... unlocking... lust.

[theegreat017]

My girlfriend is shy and reserved. She hardly ever intiates a talk or amy topic. Not that i complain, but sometimes you just want someone to ask you stuff, say new stuff, show that they care

[justbanANNAz]

exactly. i think a lot of people just love based on what they think the other person wants. your girlfriend might think you don't need her to ask u about how you're doing... if you subtly hint that you'd like that, maybe she'll get the message. this isn't complaining hun, this is communicating to further develop your love.

just food for thought =] thanks for bringing that up.

[theegreat017]

I have communicated this to her, she always says that she is shy, i can understand that,, but she's reserved. She rarely talks to her friends too ( they live away) and she does work, and is with her aunt or her niece or sister, that's about it. She's really reserved. I am really confused if this is ok or not.

[justbanANNAz]

i see. i think it's alright, but your job is just a bit more challenging then. you'd have to figure out a way to get her comfortable with you. maybe if you opened up to her and made her feel like it's okay to be vulnerable with you, then she'd feel a bit better. thing is, we girls have a hard time doing that, so u need to be serious about this girl.

[theegreat017]

Yep i am trying, her best friend broke her trust last year, slept with her cousin after telling her that he liked her, it's been more than half a year now and with time, i hope she opens up. I am very open with her.

[redeyemindtricks]

BUT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE BAR PALETTE THO OMG.

[DaniaMQ]

What should I say... As usual, great take!!😎👌❤

[justbanANNAz]

as usual, kind as ever. thanks beautiful <3

[DaniaMQ]

Aawwww hahah thank you ❤❤ and you're welcome 😘

[PT1911]

So the tl;dr

Put some actual effort in?

I thought that was a given

[justbanANNAz]

not really... it's not just putting in effort. it's putting in effort that doesn't always suit yourself.

[PT1911]

Effort being that lol.

It it suited yourself... it wouldn't really be effort lol

[justbanANNAz]

well yeah but a lot of people don't get that... which is why i made this take lol.

[PT1911]

I guess that explains my confusion, I thought that would be a given lol :P

[justbanANNAz]

aha, let's keep in mind that you are much more... 'developed' than a lot of people in the dating scene =]

[PT1911]

More developed but... been single for a VERY long time

[sexyphil]

That is a great take (not bad for an Aussie.. lol XXXX) It really is very insightful and informative.

[Kylesar]

Great take
People need to stop looking for Mr/Mrs. Perfect, and look for Mr/Mrs. Perfect for me

[justbanANNAz]

well said man. love that.

[SunsetRose]

I love this. You're a genius.

[justbanANNAz]

thanks love! <3 :D

[Zorax]

Great Take, as usual, I agree, completely :)

[PinceNez]

True that!!

[justbanANNAz]

thanks =]

[hellionthesage]

Good take.

[justbanANNAz]

thank you =]

[hellionthesage]

Your quite welcome :)
(normally I respond with a text book but honestly, their is nothing here that needs clarification or is inaccurate so, you have been awarded with my shortest response to date.)

[hellionthesage]

(your welcome)

[justbanANNAz]

hah wow, well I'm honoured then, although I assure you that an elaborate response from you with critiques would be received well also.

[hellionthesage]

Careful what you wish for :D (I seriously can write a books worth of comments)