My "Before I Commit" List

[AaceN]

I think all of us (who have dated) have gone through that frustration of becoming official with someone and then six months into dating find out something that you truly would have not dated the person in the first place for. Likewise, I have gone through this and this is why I have now a bunch of questions for my future partner before I commit to being his girlfriend.

Past Relationships

I perfectly understand why people do not want to talk about their exes in front of a new potential partner. Here's my problem: when you avoid this conversation, you are missing out a lot about that person. What you can miss out on:

1. Desperate for Love, In love with the Idea of Love - if your potential partner has been through so many relationships in a short period of time, you might want to find out if they are really just desperate for a relationship or if they just had bad luck with relationships.

2. Respectful and Mature - if your potential partner looks upon their exes as still wonderful people, but just not for them, this is absolutely a keeper

3. Resentful and Hates Easily - if your potential partner believes that every ex he/she ever had was horrible and crazy, this might be a sign that this person has hateful feelings for every person that has ever done them wrong

4. Clingy and Holds On - if your potential partner has always been the one trying to fight to keep his relationships alive and always been the one dumped, he might be holding on way too long to his exes and may have trust issues

Deal Breakers

My biggest rule when going into a relationship is that you can not go into a relationship expecting the person to change. So when you consider a relationship really think about what you can tolerate and what you absolutely can not tolerate. If your potential partner has a deal breaker, then don't even bother trying to fix it. Leave and find someone else.

My personal deal breakers are

1. Not caring about family

2. Different religious and political views

3. Not being honest

4. Illegal practices/extreme risk taking

Although I have seen many couples have respect for their partner's different religious and political views, that is not the problem I have. I know that I can easily respect it. It's just that when I have a husband, I want it to be a man that I can spiritually grow with and politically agree with big concepts. Small political concepts are fine to disagree on, but when it comes to how much power the government has, I really do believe that reflects on how people live.

Life Style

Personally, I have no plans to live with someone before marriage, but I do go into relationships because I see a future and that future might be marriage. Life style is best to explore when you drop by unexpected and see how their desk at work is or even at their house. However, here are my basic questions that I want to know about my potential partner:

1. How often do you work?

2. Are you responsible with money?

3. Do you believe in having sex after being married? Is sex an important part of dating?

4. Do you need alone time? How much?

5. Are you messy or neat?

6. When do you normally go to bed?

7. What is your ideal temperature? Do you need to have the fan on before sleeping?

8. What lifestyle habits disgust you?

Future Goals

Again, if I go into a relationship, I have no desire to change them and therefore, I want to know what they want their future to look like. Here are my list of questions:

1. Where do you want to live?
2. What do you want to be?
3. Do you want to be married? How many kids?
4. What should the jobs of a wife and husband be?
5. How do you want your kids’ lives to look? Raised religiously? Going to church? Support them in sports? Technology?
6. Will family be part of your life?

7. Do you want to travel?

8. When would you retire? How would you know?

What My Partner Wants

Even if I dissect the man to death and find out he is everything I want, it has to be two sided. Not only would I answer everything that I listed above to him, but I would certainly ask him questions specifically about what he wants in a partner.

1. What are deal breakers for you? What can you tolerate?

2. What are your weaknesses? How do you think I as a partner can help you with them?

3. What have you lacked in previous relationships from your partner?

[MrOracle]

I've been saying here for YEARS that it's very unlikely to have a successful, long-term relationship if you don't "interview" a potential partner up-front and make sure there are no red flags - or at least, make sure you can deal with them in a way that you are both okay with.

It used to be that potential partners, and often their families too, were involved in this process where all of these types of issues were discussed very early on in the dating process, and sometimes even before dating was allowed to begin. Today, far too many people believe that "mutual attraction" is all they need and that other issues will "work themselves out somehow" - which is why we have a 60% divorce rate, which is essentially a 60% failure rate. And that's just for marriages - the rate of failure for relationships in general is much higher.

By doing a thorough "getting to know you" that covers PRACTICAL long-term relationship issues (such as the Asker's list) can either alert you to issues where solutions need to be found (and sometimes they can be) or that you simply don't have long-term compatibility with this person, no matter how attracted to them you might be.

It boggles my mind that some people will (seemingly happily) bounce from one terrible relationship to the next - often suffering greatly in the process - but refuse to take pro-active steps to prevent such disasters. It's like buying a used car site-unseen based on a 10-word Classifieds ad in a newspaper - you're almost guaranteed to have major regrets.

I wouldn't date someone any other way. And, for example, I *know* I don't have long-term compatibility with the girl I'm seeing now, and she knows it too - but we're both okay with enjoying our time together NOW - and we both understand that if one of us finds someone we ARE long-term compatible with, we'll leave the relationship with no hurt feelings. We're very honest with each other about that, and both emotionally mature enough to handle such an arrangement. And at least we aren't fooling ourselves or making foolish long-term decisions by pretending that we'll be together forever, when that's almost certain not to be the case.

in my opinion, if you really care about having a "forever" relationship, you'll strongly consider using this method at the beginning of a relationship and using that information wisely - even if it means ending the relationship and moving on.

[AaceN]

I agree and couldn't state it any better. However, I do believe that no matter how prepared you are, heartbreak will occur. I've been in a relationship where it seems that we were compatible long term, but he hid things from me.

[MrOracle]

It's certainly not a perfect system, and sometimes people change later, so, yes, heartbreak is always possible - but this method gives the best foundation for a relationship - and why not have every possible advantage?

[dipta]

I guess many people end up finding "forever" relationships quite boring and go with the 'chemistry' and sparkling.

[MrOracle]

@dipta See, I think it's just that few people are very practical anymore. They've seen too many movies and read too many books, and they assume that mutual attraction ("sparks") should be enough, and that any other issues "can be worked out". But that's simply false. With a 60% failure rate for (first) marriage, clearly tons of people are doing that even with relationships as serious as marriage, so imagine how many do it for less serious relationships!

I think it's fine if you just want to have fun and date someone without a long-term commitment - just be honest with your partner. But tons of people claim to be in a long-term relationship, and yet know nothing about their partner - because they made no effort to learn anything important about them - and then, a year or 5 years down the line, they're "shocked" to learn about a dealbreaker they could have asked about long, long ago.

[redeyemindtricks]

Y'know what's funny about people who make lists of 500 dealbreakers, like this?

If you ask them to list the character traits of their last few ex-boyfriends/-girlfriends...
... it ends up being almost *exactly* the same list.
HMMMMM

I mean... srsly. If you have even the most basic ability to read people, then these kinds of all-encompassing explicit lists are just... **so** unnecessary.

__

::pssst:: If you ever DO meet some boy who ticks off more than 95 percent of these boxes...

... you think he'll be the kind of boy who **inspires** LOVE? and COMMITMENT?

Ahahahhahaa...

If you ever meet that kind of boy... the whole rl will seem exactly like a business deal.
Because... that's all it'll be.

LOVE, girl.

LOVE says "fuck yr lists".

You'll see.

[btbc92]

You have your head on screw tight! This is EXACTLY 100% EVERYTHING that I've been talking about, and people today are here looking at you like your insane. If they want to keep running through relationships like a marathon, then their not as serious as they want to make out to be. You want and need 1 partner. Not 50 something ex's!

[RJGraveyTrain]

Honestly I am not a "list" girl. I find people who take this sort of over-specific approach end up making dating far too clinical. The whole point, in my opinion, is simply to feel things out. If you're compatible, you'll feel it, and perhaps even be willing to overlook someone's fault's in favor of what intrigues you about them. I think you risk missing out on people by being too demanding or too specific - but how everyone else dates is up to them.

[nowhere_dani]

It's refreshing to come across a set of questions that doesn't have to do specifically with characteristics or physical appearance requirements -- not to say those are unimportant. Everything comes together to make a perfect package, I think. But these are so important because they're some of life's biggest decisions. We wanna make those decisions with whom we're compatible. Definitely keeping this handy.

[AaceN]

Agree, very well said.

[Peachman]

I completely agree with this but it depends on what your meaning for extreme risk taking is and some people shouldn't like their family because they dont deserve to be liked for example I wouldn't like my Dad if he beat me

[AaceN]

Very true, and that's why these questions are important because there will always be exceptions to every rule since there are so many types of situations.

[meatballs21]

If a girl showed up for our date with a checklist like this, it would be our last date together.

[AaceN]

Haha, same. It would be freaky, but this is not a checklist for the first date. I would integrate these conversations throughout all of the time we had together.

[Cosytoasty]

All very well and good... now what do YOU bring to the table?

[Unit1]

Vero good question!!!

[Barrabus_the_Free]

Same things as all the rest of them: warm holes and a sense of entitlement.

[Djaaay]

This here is... A great way to stay single list. No where is emotional love towards another mentioned or trust for another mentioned... And also sounds very controlling towards the opposite sex.

[Unit1]

That is exactly what i thought.

[Unit1]

Different religious and political beliefs? Illegal activities no matter how severe? Dealbreakers? Really?

This is some fine cherry picking.

[AaceN]

It is detailed, but I also want to know a person in detail of who they are. I understand where people feel that I am too analytical, but I would rather not go into a relationship knowing that I wouldn't see a future with them anyway.

[frozenhorizon]

Hope the OP has never run a red light :D

[litty]

When do you bring up your "B4 committing list?" Because my condition for a committing relationship is before a "b4 committing list" how do we have fun on any given day?

[AaceN]

I integrate in. Don't get me wrong: I am definitely a thinker about my future, but I also want relaxing day and see if I just have chemistry with a guy.

[hkgranados]

I LOVED THIS!!! This is exactly what I start to do, but then it scares the guy off. Oh well... :)

[btbc92]

If the guy gets scared off is because he wants sex! He is not serious about you. Don't worry. The right kind of person won't shy away from that. If they don't have anything to hide, they would still tell you even if it makes them uncomfortable. You can at least consider them and respect a person like that.

[hkgranados]

@btbc92 AMEN!!! :) :) :) Do you usually ask this stuff on a first date?

[btbc92]

I've never dated. But I had plenty of suitors, and I always had to reject them because I wasn't allowed till 18. And even if I was allowed. No premarital sex till marriage. They didn't know me and I didn't know who they were. They were strangers most of them. I don't agree with dating strangers and not being friends and personally know them. They didn't want to get to know me so why should I date somebody I don't know. Yet all of those questions the MyTake owner placed up is exactly important to me as well. Most guys since they are promiscuous don't want to be bombarded with any of those questions in dating without getting into your pants first. That's why I said premarital sex blinds you. By the time you already had sex and you find out who they really are, you're screwed.

[genuinlysensitive]

He isn't "scared off" he just doesn't meet the laundry list of requirements. The same political beliefs? Seriously? If I ended all my relationships with people who didn't have the same political beliefs as me I would be completely alone, this one right here will negate like 99.99% of all people on Earth.

The 19 questions depending on how you require them answered might also eliminate a ton of good guys unnecessarily.

[AaceN]

@genuinlysensitive True, that's why its very important to take this list and understand what you can and can not tolerate.

[btbc92]

@genuinlysensitive That's being scared off when they refuse to answer those questions. What are the intentions of being with that person if you don't have the right kind of intentions with them in the first place? Most of us women are looking for somebody who we can connect with emotionally, mentally and psychologically. And if you're a spiritual person, spiritually as well. These questions are NOT laundry list. This is something we have to mentally store to process and eliminate who is right or isn't right for us. And the person who is interested in dating us needs to realize this and should be somebody who will equally invest in getting to KNOW US the same way we desire to know them. We're serious about dating and relationships. If you want a bedwarmer for the night, don't bother with us then. Plenty of chicks around who doesn't mind fooling around. We don't. Dating is not forever, it should lead to marriage. However, since many don't want marriage, why should we waste time on them?

[frozenhorizon]

I agree with your concept, but it seems like you should be slightly more open-ended.

[Browneye57]

Not bad.
Now, what exactly do you bring to a relationship that is considered high value? What differentiates you from everyone else?

[independentman]

I didn't had a relationship so I am not feeling or wanting a relationship right now even if I make list.
Also I prefer to be in advantage when doing so or at least balanced

[meganthemenace]

It's good but pointless. When a guy wants to dump you, he'll do just that.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

I agree. Talk and find out early on to avoid headaches.

[capturemyheartnow]

No conditions. Selfless love.

[kewlpenguin1]

Selfless love is a nice concept, but how can you not have any conditions? You're really going to stay in a relationship with someone who abused you because of selfless love? You're going to stay in a relationship with someone who you absolutely can not agree with anything about what they say? You're going to date someone who won't physically touch you whatsoever?

[capturemyheartnow]

@kewlpenguin1 Love is a decision , not an emotion , it is selfless and a commitment. We have to be selfless , not selfish and think of what's going to be the best for ones we love. In true selfless love we just love because I love you because loving you makes me happy. Selfless love can be costly when fear can't afford it and pride does't understand it. A pure love is selfless love , it is the road to joy. The moment I think , "What will I get in return?" , love becomes a business. Love does not keep record of wrongs , it always trusts and hopes. I should not love because I am loved but I should be loved because i love. True love begins when nothing is looked in return. True love is untainted by wants. True love desires only furtherance of true love. Make your partners happiness most important than your own. Allow those that you care for to choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you. So in this way true love is selfless and unconditional.

[Djaaay]

Love is a decision, not an emotion?

[John_Doesnt]

I won't commit unless she has a perfect rack.

[Chico_brah]

Am I supposed to fill this out?

[player0696]

Thanks for the take

[Anonymous]

good