My boyfriend is deleting messages AND search history. He also lied straight to my face for months about looking up his ex girlfriend. Are we doomed?

[Anonymous]

The other day I nonchalantly asked my boyfriend, if I looked at his Facebook search history would I be upset with it & he said no. He pulled out his phone & showed me a few & then hurried past a girl. I called him out on it. First he tried to lie & say that she popped up but obviously she's on the SEARCH log because you searched for her so he said he wasn't even friends with the girl. He didn't even know her. So I let it go but it had been bothering me. I brought it up the next day & just asked him who she was. He said we should have looked at when exactly it was that he looked her up in the first place. I said ok well lets go to the history of your search log & he tried to act dumb about it like he didn't know there was one. But he sure found it real quick for someone who didn't even know what it was. Right when he opened it he was like I accidentally hit something, she's gone now. Total bs. So I'd been having a weird gut feeling lately about him. Not really sure why and had really no reason to be. So after this I grew suspicious. A couple months back I caught him looking up his ex girlfriend. He said it was a one time thing, he was just making sure she had a deleted some pictures of him she still had. I accepted it because I trusted him & moved on. I pulled a no no & looked at only his browser history while he was out of the room. Turns out he had a very long history of looking her up almost everyday to date. I brought it up to him, admitting I invaded his privacy but I was so upset about it, I couldn't let it go. All this time he's been lying to my face & making me feel crazy for having a weird gut feeling & he's been doing this. He said it was only because of the way she left him. He wanted her to suffer the way he did & the only way he'd know that was by looking her up. I let it go (kinda, obviously) because I love him so much but I'm hurting now and I'm self conscious. Obviously he can't be trusted for his word. How do I go about this? Help. Should I end this?

[Agrojag]

I don't think you should give up yet. Yes, he's been dishonest but you only found that out by being dishonest yourself. Have a heart to heart, admit you were wrong and make him realize he's wrong, then see I you can work it out. Bad breakups happen and it can be really hard to get over that. If you can help him find closure then that would be a great thing... or you can just give up like everyone does these days. Your call.

[Anpu23]

Is he stalking her? If so that's not healthy for your relationship nor for her mental health. Sounds like he hasn't gotten over her, this is more compulsive behavior then trying to get back at her. Maybe some kind of counseling?

[Asker]

He was married once and his ex wife cheated on him. This was the first girl he'd dated after getting over his marriage. Coincidentally, she also cheated on him. He said at this point it's more of a habit. I was packing my things to leave and he was crying and telling me he wouldn't do it again. He hasn't since but it's hard. How do you regain trust?

[Anpu23]

You don't ever get what you had, but you can build from scratch.

[Asker]

Do you believe it's worth it in this case? I know that question is vague, and it's hard to say looking in from the outside, but I'm so lost on what to do.

[Anpu23]

I really think that some form of counseling is in order. Without that you have a long road in front of you.

[BarbaraP]

Your boyfriend is obsessed over his ex which means he's not ready to be in a new relationship with another woman. I think the fact that she treated him bad and he wants her to suffer is just an excuse... you can't really see if she's suffering from her Facebook page. What you see from her page are her pictures, what she does, who she hangs out with and this is what he wants to know, I believe. He's not completely over her.

[RationalLioness]

That sounds like a weak excuse to me. If he really felt bad about how they ended, why didn't he simply send her a message to get some closure?

I think many women make "allowances" for their men (and vice versa), because they love them, but if they're lying to your face or treating you like you wouldn't them, then you need to stand up and tell them you're not going to take it.

[MeganLoves]

I think you guys should call it quits. This guy is obsessed over his ex regardless if he hates her. I'd leave him seeing how bitter he is about a past relationship that alone says he's not the guy you thought he was

[mychelle]

The third to the last sentence says it all to me. You have already marked him as untrustworthy. With that said, I think the question really is, do you want to continue on a path with someone who is untrustworthy?

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

When a partner deletes browsing history and lies to you about
who he's searching for or talking to on Facebook he is hiding
something that he's doing and doesn't want you to see.
If he really loves and cares about you than why look for his ex
on Facebook yes it hurts cause your being faithful to him but
he is acting immature i think this relationship is coming to end
i really believe you need to consider giving this guy second thoughts.

[MarikYo]

His cellphone is his castle. A man has a right to do whatever he wants. You don't simply visit your best friend's house and tell him that his lawn is ugly, his food choices are retarded and so on. Your advice is total bs. Don't make this girl even more paranoid than she already is. Bye

[xButterflyKisses87x]

I agree with the original OP on this... and I know this is an old thread found it by googling looking for something else... He shouldn't be hiding crap like that let alone looking up his ex girlfriend

[xButterflyKisses87x]

@MarikYo not if he is hiding stuff like that

[Octavion]

How can you love an individual who wants another person to suffer because they broke up with him? That's immature and spiteful. He lies to you and you don't trust him. A relationship without trust is not going to go places.

[MarikYo]

Whats wrong about looking up your EX? Whats wrong about hating someone? You don't know that man's story. Therefore, you can't judge him. What does he lie to her about? It was her who wanted to go on his cellphone and computer.

[Octavion]

No I absolutely can judge someone for wanting others to suffer to just get payback. There is no legitimate reason to want to do that. It's weak minded and selfish. I don't judge him for looking up his ex. A lot of people do that out of curiosity about how their ex's life is going. But wishing her to suffer is a completely different story.

[MarikYo]

I'm not defending this man nor I am judging him. All we know is a one side of the story which may be biased. Would you agree with me that the word "suffer" can be used in different context? It does have a negative connotation but it depends on how it was said. If he wants her to suffer in a sadistic way or by causing her pain then its a big problem. His EX partner might have stolen all of his money, his house, cheated on him, lied to him... and maybe he just wants karma to get her back. What I do know is that his current girlfriend doesn't trust him. If one partner doesn't trust another then there is no point in hurting one another and continuing a relationship. Fix it or quit it.

[SunDevil11]

I would say the relationship is headed quickly towards the end if he does not quit lying to you and the trust is worked on between the two of you. If there is no trust it is very hard to keep it going

[girl2015]

If he delete stuff and he is hidding something and you are doomed if he looks up his ex he still cares about her

[MarikYo]

Trust issues? Please stop asap.
My cellphone is my castle. I would be extremely pissed if my girlfriend looked through my messages and history. If you didn't do that you wouldn't have questions to him in the first place. Don't tell me like you've never looked up or talked with girlfriends about one of your EXes or guy friends just to see how they are doing.

[Asker]

I'm sorry but I think most people would agree that looking up your ex everyday and sometimes multiple times is a little frowned upon while in a relationship with someone new. I already stated that I knew I was wrong for looking at his internet history. That's fine that you wouldn't be upset if your SO was looking up her ex everyday but I have a slight problem with that.

[MarikYo]

Don't be sorry for stating your opinion. Yea looking up your ex everyday is too much. If he does that then he needs to get over her asap or stop using/hurting you.

[thealphamaleishere]

It's over. Time to move on. Considering the amount of bull you wrote I doubt you will do that... Enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

Just from the title: yep.