I'm black and my ex who's white dropped the "N" bomb, what to do?

It wasn't toward me or even in a derogatory sense, but I called him out about it and told him off but he was so unapologetic, claiming that white people say it all the time and he only meant that the people he was talking about are dumb or something.

I told him it was inappropriate to say that to me at all and he still just made excuses... I've had nothing but white boyfriends and one of them did slip up and say it and needless to say I'm no longer with him.

My white friends who I've talked to about it say tell me that they have said it in that sense of the matter but it isn't a regular part of their vocabulary and that he's the biggest idiot ever. It hurts my heart and my pride to think I was in love with him at one point but that's a whole other story.

Pretty much, I just want peoples opinions. I'm deleting him from my Facebook and MySpace but should I send him a message first saying the above statements? Should I just leave it alone and let him revel in his own confusion? Please answer honestly.

I'm not looking for a new way to reprimand those who are racist because I know he isn't racist and I just wouldn't waste my time. I'm just asking peoples opinions on what they think of the situation. He was my EX before this was said we didn't just break
up because this was said. I deleted him and he sent me some ANGRY messages, what's up with that? Maybe he doesn't get it...?
Thanks everyone for your honest answers, it gives me a better perspective on things.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you should just move on you say he's an ex? Well then forget about him. He obviously doesn't respect you. I can't stand when people drop the and bomb. Regardless of race you're either racist or trying to be cool. A lot of people make racist jokes just because there funny most people won't get too upset. But then you have actual racists who really treat other people differently because there skin is different and they are the lowest scum ever. The fact that these people were raised to treat other human beings like that is disgusting to me.

    Wow this ended up a rant and with no direction whatsoever my bad lol

    • Lol, its ok thank you.

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    • This is deep

    • ^^lol I was raised to treat everyone the same. Whether they are Black, Purple, Gay or some kind of combination of both. It really bothers me to see someone treat someone else like trash because they are different.

What Guys Said 32

  • You're black. He drops the N bomb to your face. AND he refuses to apologize. Just how much does he respect you?

    Get him out your life. If he asks why tell him, and tell him you're not on speaking terms until he gets his head right.

  • He may not be racist in the sense that he thinks one person is better than another because of their race, but he's insensitive to say the least.

    I never use the "n" word. I'm not condemning those who do, but there's nothing that needs to be said that can't be expressed without it, and I know some people find it offensive.

    Even if this were about some totally innocuous word, he knows you find it hurtful or offensive, that should be enough.

  • ok look...i use the word nigga alllllll the time and by my pic you can tell I'm white...do I say it to my black friends, YES, the ones I am very close to tho and I know they don't care...to other black people that I don't know or don't know well...hell no I would never

    the way I use it is not derogitory its like instead of what up homie its yo what up nigga...just some stupid thing its really meaningless...i mean black people say yo what up nigga all the time, its not like anyones trying to say you're a slave and you don't deserve sh*t...i mean its 2010 here...come on...honestly

    now he should RESPECT you enough, to understand that you aren't comfortable with him saying it...if it slips now and then fine, if it continues then get outta there...i mean in reality its HOW you use the word in a sentance that makes that word...

    ex: "damn that was a bitch" - something that was hard and couldn't get done easily

    "damn that girls a bitch" - something derogitive and hurtful

    see what I'm saying...

    ex: "yo what up nigga'

    :youre a nigg3r"

    those two are completely different and come out differently...

    basically what I'm trying to say is talk to him and tell him to respect the fact you don't like to hear him saying it...and if he keesp it up get him outta ur life...best of luck

    • Its sad that they take that in the ass and don't say anything tsk very sad.

  • Just don't contact him anymore. He is an idiot and you are not going to change him with just a message. Leave it be.

    • Thanks, I don't intend on changing him, maybe more just trying to make him realize what an idiot he'd been and maybe what other people think of what he has to say... but I'd rather not let him know it bothered me THAT much..

  • I miss read a couple of things. Which a couple of people pointed out. The facts have changed so my input changes also.

    I don't think you should leave him. Like I said before, I have a friend who went off on me and tried to see how much he really meant his kind words. He called me a NIGGER 'cause he essential thought I was being IGNORANT, quote on quote. So I can see where some people don't use it in a racial way, they associate it with another definition. NIGGER = IGNORANT. However, if he claims you were unfit to live, and must die. Then I deem him racist.

    The choice is essential yours, I don't want everyone thinking NIGGER (BAD). I say we except it, and change the definition of the word and move on. If it became socially acceptable, people would use it less. But their is a history behind, so I'm not saying tear down the walls and pretend it never happened.

    I give it 50 more years. Lol =)

  • Uhm, if he doesn't talk to you or try to apologize to you about it. Would it matter if he stayed on your FB and MySpace. I mean, it's weird how people look at things. I'm black, I call my friends "Niggas" not "Niggers" but some say it means the same thing. I believe "Niggers" has a more emotional compassion and realism behind it.

    Dogs don't like Cats, so when a Cat sees teeth in a Dog it runs for the nearest tree. What I'm saying is, you could of just as easily called him a stupid cracker if you wanted too. We all try to hurt other people when we feel threaten or hurt over selves.

    Example, if you and I were dating and we had the same argument that you had with your boyfriend, I would have called you a "Nigger" because I'm black myself, would only be contradicting my self in that sense. I'd probably use a slightly same meaning, "Your Ignorant" or "Stupid." Or maybe I'd bring up some random girl I could have dated instead of you.

    However, it was nice or at all appropriate that he called you a "Nigga/Nigger" so therefore, delete if you wish. You don't have to explain yourself either, you've already told him how much you dislike it.

    For the record, my white friend has called me a "nigger" once, and I actually went along with it. I tried to push some buttons to see how far he would go with his statement. I didn't think he actually meant it, I just felt like he felt threaten and wanted to hurt me, the deeper the lies, the further it cuts like a sword. He didn't have much on me, since we were but mutual friends, so he resorted to the only thing he could think of.

    But again, doesn't make it right, especially in the sense that he's your boyfriend (or was) and his job is solely to protect your best interest.

    • I repeat it is NOT cool or acceptable to let white people call you N-I-G-G-E-R in the that sense, the ones of us who are old enough to have live or remember the racism and disrespect that comes with that word know better. Don't get it f***up cause Obama is president that don't mean sh*t slavery happened and racism is still here and relevant, so someone calling you N-I-G-G-E-R still mean the same sh*t that it meant from back in the day. Do you answer Masa to your white friends?

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    • Hold a mirror up and show them how colorful they really looked. Change their perspective of the people around them. But you can't, you can't change people after they reach a certain age. They need some kind of crude awakening in order for that to happen. Watch "American History X" not quiet sure if that is the name. But it kind of says something of what I'm talking about. Just don't stoop as low to recurring the same bull crap they did a decade ago.

    • Were thought to dominate the blacks. It's embed under our skins. After you stop doing things for awhile, you get rusty at it. =)

  • If you are that hung up on race then you shouldn't be in interracial relationships...and If you accept a stranger of your race (like DannyPhantom) saying certain things but would break up with your boyfriend for saying the same thing because he is a different race then you should REALLY not be in an interracial relationship.

    What to do? Nothing, you guys are already broken up...just delete him from FB and move on.

    • It's not the sense of what was said, it's the sense of how much he means it. The guy could be calling her a NIGGER one day and have her strung up like a NIGGER the next. I'm saying, it's a different form of abuse.

      Besides, if she appeared dead in the news tomorrow, (god forbid) we all would be looking at as if it was because she were BLACK and he was WHITE. And suddenly we would have take into conclusion that he called her a NIGGER once before. It's FEAR, that's what this based on FEAR.

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    • So you shouldnt have a interacial relationship if you don't wana be called a niga? Oh I c That Makes Perfect Sense! THANKS SO MUCH hahaha uh.... no. Its I agree about the move on part though.

    • Who gives a f*** what you agree with, get off my post.

  • For anyone who doesn't thinks a big deal to use N word or wants more insight please read:


    • Whatver...dude ...names are names...sticks and stone make break my bones but words can never hurt me. you can only be offended by namecalling if you allow yourself.

      Ive been called cracker and every other cuss word in the book...I laugh its just a name. People just like to scream race...seriously get over it...

  • You should have show him what a real nigga is and whip his ass, then he might think about ever using that word again in the future. I know some gansta white boyz from the hood and they wouldn't think about using N word ending with er. Nigga is a more social acceptable term and becoming a norm only because its like my homie or my dude in a greeting type way. But if some white person come out their face and calls you a N-i-g-g-e-r or your peoples N-i-g-g-e-r please feel obligated to whip there ass. When white people use the N word ending with er it ain't to be nice and any way. So WHITE people DON'T DO IT, unless you want to get F*** UP.

    • Should say: When white people use the N word ending with er it ain't to be nice in any way.

    • Nnnno I'm anti violence. he needs to LEARN and be compassionate and tolerant, not sore and tired. that would only make matters worse in my opinion.

  • fu*k that jack a$$

    he dsnt deserve u

  • Ok, he is dating a black girl and dropping "N" bomb like it does not mean anything? I wouldn't say he is racist. Maybe he is a "Wigga"?

    How does he dress? Like a rapper? MAlibu's Most Wanted?


  • You don't have to answer to him. I don't recommend you do since you told him it bothered you and he essentially blew you off; to that end it's a done deal insofar as the conflict should go.

    • Yeah, after he told me all that, he continued the conversation as if I still wanted to talk to him so I just ignored him. It's done to me, but thanks for your input :)

  • Get over it. You care to much.

    Black people say that sh*t all the time. Unless it was directed at black people its just another name.

    Just like saying faggot or that's gay.

    If your seriously offended sure tell him...but most people arnt so stuck up on race like that and they prob won't get where your coming from.

    • I personally don't say it and I don't condone any race saying it. And I also hate the word faggot, I'm bisexual and I hate the word faggot too but I also see what your saying. Some people just don't use those words as a derogatory statement, I still think it would take some getting used to if I ever decide to put up with it.

    • Ya ok...I never used to like cuss or anything but then I got a job and slowly got used to hearing it.

      Personally I joke and make racist jokes about mexicans and blacks a lot but just cause their funny....My best friend for years as been an illegal lol. I hate racist people...I mean every word used as derogatory could be offensive to some people. If my girlfriend asked me to stop I would...Maybe since he is your ex he doesn't see it as important what you think so much...

    • Yeah I think jokes are funny because they are intended to make people laugh. in this case he was trying to use the word against someone so it's a little different... thanks for your input though.

  • The thing about racism is that it comes in varying degrees. I worked a job with very few whites. The black supervisor hated me at first because I was white. He gave me sh*t jobs, didn't take me seriously etc. The other guys on the job felt likewise. I was raised in a home that had some racial problems but my father was like a third native American and had dark skin, my mother was very pale European. So race wasn't set in stone, there were racial slurs from time to time but we were all different races, my mother was white my father thought of himself as Native American, my sister and I were mixed it wasn't the same as a black or white or Asian family that can get together and all hate on group x. I came to the racially charged environment on that job, not really knowing what true blue racism was and not really understanding why they all hated me. I thought for a long time it was because they all liked the thug life and I was more college oriented. As time went by I realized it was mostly because I was white. (or mostly white any way)

    I learned to take racism with a grain of salt, yes it can get serious like skin heads or nation of islam but usually it's just petty bickering between races. And believe me they ALL do it. The Mexican guys I work with now use the N word a LOT and they are racist, to a point, but I doubt these guys have some skin head agenda about killing blacks, their just ethnocentric and ignorant of how blacks actually are.

    Another thing to watch out for and not to fall into is the witch hunt mentality that is so pervasive today. I volunteer with very left wing groups and there is a cult like group think out there where you have to walk on egg shells with regard to what you say, lest it be interpreted as "racist". The mentality is vicious to the point that if they think someone has a racial agenda they act like they want to hang the person. You can see this on the internet in chat rooms as well, race baiting to no end. Accusations flying. I think your boyfriend is insensitive about that given issue at least to a point. I do NOT think he is a raving white supremacist or he would not have been your boy friend in the first place.

    What your boy friend has isn't good, and he could be more sensitive but if I reacted like that every time someone used the term honky or peckerwood around me It would become an issue eating me up inside.

    I eventually grew to like my supervisor as time went by and he looked out for me on more than one occasion. That dose not mean that he didn't still have the same attitudes about whites that he did before, he did, and he looked at things I did with a critical eye because of that. All that means is, he was human not a monster.

    • Thank you for your answer and sharing your story, it gives me more to think about.

  • 1 he's an ex for a reason, and so waht if he dropped the and word, blacks say ti to themselves all the time and how is that different? that's waht upsets me, one color says it it's ok, another color says it and "whoa, hold up!" either the word has a negative connotation or it doesn't. I find that hypocritical.

    and he said it once, whopee do, now if he said it often, that's another story. then you know he's racist and should not have been with you in the first place,

    so get over this word.

    • Absolutely agree, a white person saying it is disgraceful, but a black person saying it is normal. Ridiculous.

  • I agree this fag is an ex. Forget what he says, he is probably angry at himself cause he lost you.

  • Drop an A-bomb on his house. Evacuate anyone else in a 40 mile radius. Don't bother air-bursting it. As for where to obtain an A-bomb, Google some plans and then start enriching all the Uranium you can find or perhaps...ebay!

  • There isn't anything inherently wrong with the word. You are way too sensitive.

  • its pretty simple you knock in his teeth

  • drop the cracker thin lip flat ass bomb

  • Ummm welll first he's a douche and umm he may not be racist but he shud kno to respect you..so you were right to tell him to stop and delete him

  • He screwed up. Guys screw up all the time, it's what we do. You really just need to drop it.

    • Yeah I dropped it after our first tet for tat when it had happened.... I just wish he had been more remorseful I guess but what can you say?

  • I am thrity years old and living in London! I have since I was 18 years old only dated black girls. I have two children with an ex( so yes they are mixed race or dual heritage if you prefer) both are beautiful the boy does modelling here for Marks and Spencers a UK brand you may have heard off! Anyway...

    I can't say I think he is racist as others on here have suggested becaue he was dating you a black girl. Maybe he was trying to be cool, After you told him how you felt he should have apologised! He said he used it describe someone as dumb - has he looked in the mirror! He probably does not know the history behind the word which you should if you are going to use it. He clearly has the IQ of an amoeba and you are better of with out him. Abusive text messages as well after locking him off Facebook what an idiot! You are better of with out him.

    I hope this experience has not put you of white guys for good. We are not all idiots!

  • You're a straight up bitch that is completely unworthy of a guy if you would dump someone over dropping the N bomb in a non offensive sense. The fact that you KNOW he isn't a racist and you KNOW he didn't use the word in a offensive way is sickening compared to the action you took. "I deleted him and he sent me some ANGRY messages, what's up with that? Maybe he doesn't get it...?"

    This poor guy, like any guy would be is clearly confused why the hell you would COMPLETELY cut a relationship over this is appalling. Try to lose a chromosome before you date.

    • Completely agree with this, he clearly isn't racist or he wouldn't be with someone of a different race!

  • He might not have been meaning it in a derogetory way, but he should have enough respect for you to avoid using words like those around you.

  • hahaha das funny lol but if he dint mean it ina bad way you shouldnt care nigga is only offensive if you think it is nd I'm black too nd I don't give a sh*t haha hope I helped

  • Know thy self first. If you did already know who you are you would not be in that position.

    African history is so great that they (the power that be). Had to hide,lie and steal it and keep it

    power from the very people who made it. Why because they know that it you knew you would

    not put up with so crap. It would be beneath you. We as African Americans have lost our self

    love behind slavery and the lost of our true history. They all come from us the African

    One race... the human race. One love. One God. love God first seek knowledge of self.

  • Say to him only white trash talks that way. The truth is no one would talk that way if he wasn't. He needs to clean up his thoughts and he might get the picchure since it will hurt his feeling as deep as it hurt yours...

  • I think you a woman who simply asks for respect, and it sounds like you have done everything to deserve it. I think if he really cared about you, he would have respected you and not said it. I'm sure there's a guy out there that will show you the respect you deserve.

  • He was hurt acted out, emotional response inappropriate, move on ...

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What Girls Said 18

  • I'm a white girl who dates black men. I would never in a general conversation use that word as in general it disgusts me to no end. However many times while having sex with the bf's they have used it on me in a sexual way and have requesting I call them that plus some other things while we are going at it. I consider this something they like to do in fun, but never in the real world would I or them use it.

  • forget the guy. he's such a jerk. I am a halfie, but still if anyone says anything rude about my Asian part, I'll will confront them on it right away. one of my ex boyfriends was like that too. p*ssed me off so much. He's garbage.

  • I think just move on .. My ex boyfriend who was white dropped the N word to but I didn't care as much because it wasn't toward me. But still he should have said sorry didn't mean to affend you but ya move on.

  • hmm well I think he was using it in the nword= ignorant/stupid or whatever.

    annd that's not a bigdeal

    hmmm I don't think I'd care if my dudee said it

    as long as he's not saying it in a way to offend me

    other then that I have white friends and we say it all the time

    not talking about black people or any race we just say it about people who think are ignorant

    soooo basically I'm saying I don't think its abig deal :PP but that's me

    some people take offence to it

    but again dude he's an ex

    who gives two shats about him

    move on love :DDD

  • N bomb being nigga? Nah I don't agree with that. I don't stand for racism (im white) and nigga is a derogetory word. Although I do believe saying ba ba black sheep isn't racist and that its just political correctness gone wild, I do not like the word nigga.

  • well luckily you're not with him anymore. it ain't a word to be used by anyone

  • You have blown is completely out of proportion! I bet if he was black and said it wouldn't matter.

    Makes me laugh how people use the "racism" card so much, and it's always us whites who have the finger pointed at us. I feel sorry for the guy, he has no clue what he's done wrong.. you've gone way over the top.

  • its a word so get over it if he called you a bitch playing around would it be a big deal no it wouldn't so get over it the word means a dumb ignorant person if that is not you then why would it hurt you especially if he was playin yea slaves were called niggers well they were dumb ignorant people they had no schooling so what else would you expect I would understand not saying it to a former slave but I think they are all dead so lets move on its old news

  • I...personally despise the N word. I believe that it should not be in anyone's vocabulary, whether you're black or not. When one of my friends called me the N word in a casual manner, I blew up, because it's not a word I consider modern. How did a word once used to degrade blacks, become a word that blacks use on each other? C'mon world. I thought we were smarter than that.

    • Completely and utterly agreed.

  • well you guys say it all the time.

  • Would you care as much if he was black and said it? Yeah its a bad word but I guarantee that every white person has used it at some point whether they're racist or not.

  • Don't talk to her again, that's very rude.

  • Drop him absolutely, like a rock into the sea... he's an ex and apparently a jerk, there's no reason to talk to him or write to him, and if you ignore him eventually he'll go away.

  • I'm glad you dumped him. A slip up is thing but not learning from your slip ups and making excuses as to why you still want to remain ignorant and ignore and make light of what offends someone is being entirely dismissive to you.

    • Yeah, we had broken up prior to his "offense" haha but it further confirms that it was the right decision. thanks.

  • well if you were going out with someone black you wouldn't have to worry about this now would you? trader...

  • honestly this is why black girls should not date white guys. sorry I know I'm gonna get a bunch of thumbs down but I don't give a f*** at all. look at the majority of answers here from the white guys that answered. most of them do not give a f***, and if you know white people don't care about using the n-word and how you feel about it, what are you doing dating them? date a black guy. I don't even use the n-word and I'm black, it sounds stupid for anyone to use it but I don't know why white people use it. they don't go around calling people "cracka" or "honky"...why take a racial slur that was once the last word black people heard before they were lynched to death and use it as slang? obviously he lacks respect for you, you should have never dated him in the first place. sorry

  • he may not be racist as in a KKK member but he may have some subconscious racist views. no offense but a lot of white people do. I mean look at some of these comments! If messaging would make you feel better do it, but if you think you're going to get through to him...dont bother.

  • I would ignore him. It's rude, uncalled for and totally inappropriate. It's not ok for him to say that in a joking manner.

    • Thanks for your answer, I agree. We were getting on bad terms in other ways too, I just looked at it as the last straw of disrespect. He hates me now, he sent me messages on FB saying some mean stuff but I think he's just hurt that I cut him out of my life finally.