My girlfriend needs "time" and "space" to think about our relationship, should I give up or stay and wait..?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend an I are approaching our 1 year anniversary and right now things aren't so good between us..

there was a point a few months ago that she kept saying that she didn't think that I cared about her, and due to the lack of information beyond that, after a while it just got old and I told her she was being silly.. However about 3 weeks ago she stayed home for the whole week and at the end of that week she called and actually gave me a complete run down of what she meant by me not caring, and I have to admit, I took her for granted and it was wrong.. I apologized and let her know I was wrong for that but pretty much called our relationship off because of this problem.. She said she didn't know what she wanted because she was sick of trying and wanted to think about what she wanted.

this went on for a week and she still talked to me and still told me she loves me but she just doesn't know what to do..

then, one of her friends came out and told her that I cheated on her while she was on vacation in April.. This was a drunken blackout (I was on prescription meds that shouldn't have been mixed with alcohol, not an excuse, but I don't remember any of it)) mistake and is totally out of character for me, and I wanted to tell her, but was convinced by her friend that it happened with (the same one that told her) that it wasn't worth breaking my girlfriends heart over because it was stupid and meaningless, and foolishly I agreed.. (just for the record there was no sex in this cheating.. )

I told her that I was extremely sorry and that I love her and that I hated that I did this to her, and she was understandably furious.. But 2 days later she agreed to meet with me and we talked about it.. And she is still saying she needs time and has to deal with it herself and needs to do this for herself..

I understand I was an ass, and I understand that she's in the right about this, but the fact is that I love this girl with all I have and it kills me to be apart from her, and I hate that I hurt her like this..

she still talks to me, and she still kisses me when we see each other like she did when we were all good, she still tells me she loves me and wants to be part of my life.. But its now been 3 full weeks since the day she stayed home and began this ordeal, I have only seen her 3 times in person, and every time we kiss like we are teenagers, and tell each other how much we love one another..

she keeps giving me mixed signals, like asking to sleep over, or suggesting we move away, and what not, but then at the same time she says "I'm sorry I just need time and space for me right now.. I don't know what to do about this"

is putting me on a roller coaster of emotions and I just want to be with her, and work through it because I know we can.. but how much longer should I wait, and what can I do to try and help? Should I just give up?

please help if you can, I love her so much and I want her back as my girlfriend more than I can express..

Updates

+1 y

update: I was talking to a guy who was there the night that this cheating happened, and he says that its gotta be BS because he was with me and left after I did..

Updates

+1 y

also I told her that I was going to give her space and that we needed to stop the constant communication in order for her to make up her mind and that this was killing me to be talking to her like nothing happened.. this happened before the first update

[Annette83]

This is a tough one. I'm guessing that the reason you're getting mixed signals is that she loves you, but she has lost respect and trust for you because of your behavior.

If you are charming enough, she might take you back. But if this happens right away, it's likely that you'd continue to have problems because she isn't going to be able to forget that you cheated. I would advise not getting back together right away for this reason.

I don't know if she is thinking along the same lines as I am when she says she needs a break. What I'm thinking is that this might not be a bad idea if you do want to have a future together, because being apart from you might help her get past your behavior. She must be very angry right now. It's likely that she gets mad whenever she sees you. This could become a habit. If you spend some time apart, she might be able to calm down and recall the benefits of being with you (without seeing you and immediately feeling p*ssed about what you did).

If you do have time apart though, you should probably make a major effort to show her that you still care about her. You know her best, so you probably know best how to do this.

I don't know if this will work. I have been in your girlfriend's position before, and even though I took the guy back, I couldn't get over what he did and eventually dumped him. You will need to convince your girlfriend that you are sincere to have a chance of this working. Good luck!

[Asker]

I want to give her the space she wants, but it feels like the space and time she has isn't being used to "get over it" rather, its being used to just do whatever the hell her friends want her to do, and it seems like she only thinks about this when she starts talking to me.. but I guess everyone deals with stuff differently.

perhaps if I just didn't talk to her when she calls/txts and actually gave her a taste of really having her space that would help? as it is she still talks to me every day..

[Annette83]

Going out with her friends and having some freedom and treating you like you are not that important to her right now is probably helping her get over it. That's what "time apart" is! I don't think it is a good idea to contact her every day because, as I said, it's just going to make her mad to think about you right now. Don't just stop though. Maybe you could tell her that you think you should back off to give her some space, but that you're still there.Reevaluate the situation in a few week

[Annette83]

Well, I just read your reply to another answerer, where you say that you cheated because you were really drunk and the other person started it... Yeah, you keep saying that you're sorry it happened, but you don't seem to be taking a lot of responsibility. And then what with your reply to my comment (you said that she isn't getting over it, she is doing what her friends want), you just don't genuinely seem to think that there's a problem here that you created. Might be better to break up.

[Asker]

No, believe me I DO take responsibility for it, I mentioned the drunk part in the nature of full disclosure, and I have never once used that as an excuse to her for what happened.. I cheated, and I do accept that burden.. and I do know that I created this and I have expressed this to her.. I am under no illusions that I am not responsible for these problems..

what I meant about her "not getting over it" is that she doesn't seem to let it enter her mind unless she's with me or talking to me..

[Annette83]

Well, that's why I think you should back off for a while. When you're around, she sees you and gets mad. When you're not, maybe she will remember good things about you. Good luck.

[Asker]

As for the talking and messaging her, well she's initiating the conversations 99% of the time, and as much as it hurts to not talk to her, I AM willing to not talk for a while if it will help her sort things out in her head. It's just that she seems to want the relationship to continue like nothing ever happened in all respects except for us actually being together, seeing each other like we did and being intimate. I mean I can't not answer her when she txts, won't that seem like I don't care?

[Annette83]

You're in a tough spot. I don't know the right answer, but what I would do is ask to see her because you have something to say. Then tell her exactly what you've said here. You are really upset because you want to fix things, but don't know how. She seems so mad when she sees you and you are worried she is getting into the habit of feeling that way. Then suggest that you give her a break for a couple of weeks--no texts, no conversations. Warn her in advance. Say you think this will be best

[Asker]

I've said all I can think of to her about this.. she knows I'm sorry and she knows I love her.. she doesn't get mad so much as I think right now seeing me makes her really sad.. she told me yesterday that she can hardly look at me without crying..

my concern with giving a period of time without talking at all is that I'm sure her friends are telling her to move on and hook up to get over me, and as hypocritical as it sounds I couldn't handle that.. she doesn't seem like she would but things happen

[Annette83]

That's a valid concern, but what other option do you have? If you guys keep going as you are, eventually she'll get used to hating you and want to break up anyway. Her friends will be telling her to ditch you no matter what. I think the only way for you to have a chance is for her to be able to get past her immediate anger. To me, the best way to do that seems to be to have a break from each other. Or send her on a vacation. Or see a counsellor.

[serm416]

I'd maybe apologize once more - in writing on a card with flowers.

After that - I'd back away and give her some space. Lay out what you want and tell her you'll wait for a while - but you want a relationship without recrimination and guilt - so if she can't forgive you and move one with you - you'll move one without her.

Seriously dude - do not give her that much power.

On the other hand - from her point of view - if she does take you back - then you need to be fully available and not thoughtless when it comes to giving her a sense of stability in the relationship. When I say this I mean you need to be emotionally available.

Good luck

[Asker]

That is great advice.. thanks.. there's no worries about her not having that sense of stability if things work out.. the cheating is so unlike me that my closest friends are shocked, and again, it wasn't a planned event... as for the thoughtlessness, well I know the error of my ways, I took her for granted and I never should have

[serm416]

I am hopeful it will work out for you! Thanks the for the "best answer"! I think (and feel) that women want to feel secure in their relationship and that you are "with" her so she doesn't have to worry or be jealous... the more you focus on those things ... the better and more open you will be. Fingers are crossed for you!

[shorte_40]

she still loves you, but the fact that she found out that you cheated he questions if you two were to get back together if she can trust you

[Asker]

Definitely an issue, but there is no need for any further mistrust, it was a drunken mistake and her "friend" was the person who started it.. doesn't make my actions any better, but being extremely drunk caused an apparent lapse in judgment