Recently I wrote a myTake "The Struggles of Being a Single Mom".
Normally I would not justify why I said what I did, but I believe in this case, I should. A lot of the stuff I said came out wrong. I wrote everything in a complete rant, because of something I was told earlier in the day. I was told that I am failing as a parent because of how uptight I am, and I failed to keep my childrens father happy. Which is probably true. Now- Let me explain.
When I met my daughters father, I was already pregnant with my son. He stayed with me regardless of the "baggage", and I think this was because him and I both knew that my sons father wanted nothing to do with him. Which left my son fatherless, and there was no baggage of an ex. But anyways, he stayed with me. He took my son in. Adopted him. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did. And this man is the only man that my son will ever consider to be his father. I got pregnant with our daughter when my son was only 10 months old. She was unplanned, just like my son. But we loved her just the same. My ex got an amazing job so he could take care of us. I was on bedrest, because I ended up getting Placental Abruption, which made my ex work a lot more and we barely saw eachother.
After I had my daughter, he took all his savings and put it toward an apartment for us. Our first home. It wasn't the best apartment, but it was perfect to me. I had my family. That was all I ever dreamed of doing as a child. When teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I got older, my response was always "I want to be a mom", and here I was... Two babies, the perfect boyfriend, and a home of our own. We spoke of marriage a lot. He always said he wanted to marry me, but given the bills he never had enough money to purchase a ring for me (He didn't want something cheap). But honestly, I didn't even care about the ring.
He was my age. So at the time, we were 20. Young naive kids thinking they could take on the world, Ha. He helped me get into college, and I found a job that worked with his schedule and everything seemed to be fine. Well, 6 months into us having the apartment, I got home from work to find him and my babies gone. A single note left on the fridge stating "I am sorry I could not do this in person. The kids are at your moms. I will be back to grab the rest of my things when I get time." I rushed around the house calling his name. Thinking he was playing some joke on me like he always did, and that I would find him and the kids playing 'Hide and Seek'. But he wasn't. He was gone, just like that.
For months I cried myself to sleep. Lost every single ounce of body fat I had. He never came and got the rest of his stuff. Which I think makes it worse. Its been a year. He has seen the kids a total of 8 times since he walked out. What hurts me the most is that it isn't the kids fault he didn't want to stay, but him not seeing them makes me feel like he is taking it out on them. To top it off, the day I posted that other myTake that I linked into this one, I found out that he was cheating on me for a month before he left. A simple facebook post saying "I can't believe it has been a year and a month since you asked me to be yours, I love you baby." It turned my world upside down again. Everything I had built back up. Probably didn't help that it was my best friend.. He left me for my best friend.. He left his children for my best friend.. All of our dreams, our plans, everything.. Gone. And he never even told me why.
I continued to live my life the way I had been before he left. Although, I did spend more time hugging my children. Smothering them until they begged me to stop haha. I needed comfort and they were the only people I had. They didn't understand what was going on and I didn't know how to explain it to them either. So my babies, aged 4 and 2, still think that their daddy is off at work. What makes it harder is the remarks my son makes. He is way too smart for his age. It sometimes drives me crazy. He will say things like "Mom why are you sad? You werent sad when daddy wasn't at work all the time." Or "If you love daddy so much then tell him to stop working and come back home."
I have devoted my life to my children. At first, it was the welcomed distraction from my own selfish heartbreak. But now, its much more than that. I feel more accomplished. I am doing this by myself. I have taught my kids respect. I have taught my kids manners. My daughter, who is 2, knows how to count to 30, do her full ABC's and is learning to write her name. My boy, who is 4, knows how to write his name, count to 100, color by number, knows how to write easier words and is learning to read. He just turned four in April. In a way, I do want to thank their father. For everything, actually. He showed me how to be strong without him. He showed me the life of a single parent, which trust me, I love being able to be selfish and soak up all their firsts. And mostly, he was the reason why I realized how much valuable one on one time I was taking away from my precious babies without even realizing it.
So yes, my last myTake was hostile. I dont do anything differently than any other single parent. So what if I do online college, work nights, barely get any sleep and still find time within all of the chaos to educate my children before school years. This is my life. I can understand the "baggage" that most people refer to. However, in my eyes, this is the best baggage I will ever have. My babies have saved my life. They have taught me so much in such a short period of time. So I am sorry that my last message came off rude. It was truly my mood at the given time.