How It Feels When You are Trying to Get Over Someone...

I've been thinking about writing about this for a long time. I just couldn't find the words or I wasn't emotionally ready to be able to conjure my thoughts into a frame of words that made sense.

Let me just give you a brief blast from my past to put things into perspective.

I'm the type of girl that usually falls easily, I am very open minded and wear my heart on my sleeve. I've been in quite a few relationships/ fallen for quite a few individuals but I'm just going to mention 3 because of the impact they left me with today.

The first person I ever fell in love with, I considered to be my soul mate. Let's call him, 'Andrew'. I guess because I had never felt anything like it in my life, and I was very young, everything seemed innocent and majestic like the perfect romantic book come to life with him. Never have I fallen so deeply and experienced a "cloud 9" feeling like I did with him. It was so many years back but I can still recall how the day he said "I love you too" made me feel like I was floating in the shower, through classes, all day everyday. Even when we lost contact I was determined that he would come back to me and we were destined. That was until I realized the harsh truth many years later- He didn't actually love me like I loved him. I was never that perfect in his mind or even close to a romantic love interest. He told me about another girl he loved, which left me dumbfounded. Yet strangly, it liberated my mind from the enslavement over thoughts of him.

How it Feels When You are Trying to Get Over Someone..

So I guess this is my first piece of little advise - Sometimes your mind and heart fall so deeply in love with another individual, it blinds you of all truth and signs along the way. So when you do find out the truth, it shatters you like a glass, breaking and trembling down every piece of image you had ever created of reality in your mind. You become lost of the world around you and of yourself. You lose track of the days and the hours and nothing in the world matters any longer. That is the problem with basing your existance and investing all your love and efforts into one individual. They will let you down, they will betray you at one point or another. And how much pain you suffer as a cause of it is determined by how attached you have wrapped yourself around that person.

Yet, as much as the fact that he never really loved me stoned my heart, it also healed it fast. I was no longer obsessed with claiming him, I no longer was in the line to chase and find him. It freed me from such thoughts and that in itself was a huge relief because in turn it let my heart experience love again.

Moving on...

(Bare with me if my thoughts seem all over the place, this is the first time I have ever written all my love experiences out in a reflective note)

After Andrew I really thought I was doomed. Me and him were never in a relationship but I loved him for so long that I could not even imagine being with anyone else.

That is until I met... 'Roberto'. My relationship with him was filled with much more passion, and mutual romantic feelings. I guess he was the first serious boyfriend I ever had, and the first boy who truly shared the same feelings as me so I fell just as deep. However, there were many problems. The relationship slowly started changing as time went by. It became to be based on toxicity, lies, abuse, hurt, cheating... just everything bad stuffed up in a bottle and sent into the waves of our relationship. He cheated on me multiple times, called me names, harassed me sexually and verbally - in public and in private. Humilated me and shattered every ounce of self esteem I had evermustered up in my life. Basically, he broke me. And what was worse is that I allowed him to. I take responsibility in the fact that I allowed all this to happen, and for 4-5 years, I was in a prison. I was trapped by the thought that this again was the only real and true relationship I would ever experience in my life and I hung onto it like my life was on the line. Everytime he would convince me he would change, and he would act right for a little while until he messed it all up again. We talked about marraige and kids and starting a family...

It wasn't until I found out he cheated the second time I realized I had to walk away. And I did, physically. But in every other state I was latched onto him like the locks on a door. I had to go to therapy and take anti-depressents to cope with the emotions that took over me. I started ignoring my friends and my studies, until I lost contact with some people and failed many classes. It took a lot. And I mean A LOT of effort to get over Roberto. I think it was one of the greatest pains I have ever felt. The day I found out he had been cheating on me, after I let him take my virginity, I felt the ground beneath me shaking, I felt it pulling my legs until I could not walk. It was just the worst pain ever and a year later, small pieces of it still linger as if to remind me of the fire he had left.

Here goes my second take - I guess what I learned from this was the importance of myself. I learned no matter how corny people who hung "love yourself!!" posters on their walls - they were right. I was not kind to myself for many years, and I did not even understand what it meant. I am still struggling everyday to treat myself good, but no longer with the chains that constricted and blinded me before. When you get out of a mentally abusive relationship, it's as if you inhale your first breath. And I don't care how lame it may sound but I literally feel like a new born baby after that experience.

I did not know who I was when I was with Roberto because I was so lost in him. I believed every thing he ever told me. I was the product of his thoughts and perception - I was his puppet.

Here's to all you who might be in an abusive relationship right now - GET OUT. Take the first step, and I promise you, you will reach the peak and see sunlight as if it's the first time ever in your life. But it is one of the hardest battles, keep walking. Run. And don't you dare look back. You might trip once in a while, but keep going. You are worthy of all the love in the world and no one - no matter who they are and how close of a tie they have to you, blood or through another bond, has the right to tell you that you do not deserve happiness. You are beautiful, and you are great. I am still struggling with this myself but one day I hope to get there.

And finally, let me share the most current relationship I was in just a month ago.

I started talking to.. 'Ali', just a month after I completly cut things off with Roberto. Ali and I had known each other for 2 years through a mutual friend but never really talked until beginning of this year. At first, he was a great distraction. I forced myself to engross myself in this person and allow myself to care for him. And while I did eventually, very slowly, did fall for him, I was never in love with him. At first it was a crush, but I knew better than to start so suddently after a 4 year relationship. But I felt like I needed him, as a friend or boyfriend it did not matter, I felt like I needed someone who was always there and kept a check on me to make sure I didn't flee back to the past asshole I was dating. It was so selfish of me. And he did a great job at that. He fell for me much deeply than I did at first. After just a month or so of talking and casual dating, he said I was the one and that he loved me. He said he never felt like this for anyone in his life before, but I could not reciprocate those words. He did not know of my true feelings, or just the fact that I was not ready and it was wrong for me to involve him with myself when I was emotionally still rebuilding myself.

I needed the time to be alone but instead I brought him closer to me to fill the void in me that I did not fill myself. That was a huge mistake. Eventually I did end up liking him a lot, I cared and loved him so much, but he found out the truth just 3 months later and his life shattered. I guess ironically how mine shattered in my first relationship. I could see the hurt I had caused him, and the pain in his voice. It was too late for me to convince him that what I felt for him now was real. Sometimes I suppose we must convince ourselves of anything, even that which might not be true, to make it hurt less. He ended things with me immediatly. Although we did keep in contact for the past month on and off - mostly effort on my part as it was my fault, he eventually gave up on me. I guess he woke up one day and decided I was not worth it and it did not matter. It was over.

It is over. It's gone. And right now I am here writing about it. I've written about it a lot in my journal and things but sometimes there always seems to be something left unsaid. I wish so badly it could have worked with him because he was so kind to me. I learned so much from him, so many good experiences it is hard not to miss him or wake up every morning with an ache in my heart. I guess the hardest part of getting over someone is the lack of control we have of everything in the moments when emotions gush forth. I still think about him everyday, and I tried fixing things with him for one month, but everything I do seems like a waste. He does not want me, he does not want me. It's so hard to accept. I lost a lover but I also lost a friend. I am not sure how long it's going to take to get over it. Or how he managed to do it so quick, but I'm getting there. This week hurt a little bit less than last week, and one day I might wake up and it won't hurt at all.

I hope to make my life not in the pursuit of a boy or any person in specific. That is the greatest lesson I learned. Whatever we dwell on, that is what will grow in our minds and our hearts. It will create channels in our brains and pathways sometimes too complex to intwine back to something sensible. But I hope I get there. I hope to become better everyday, and free my heart of someone who does not love me any longer.

Thanks for reading.


4|1
109

Most Helpful Guy

  • Sorry to hear that. I know how you feel. I haven't been in a serious relationship but my closest to it was being rebounded and I knew I never felt the way I did with other girls I dated before.

    It took me longer to get over the girl who rebounded on me than other girls afterwards and left a lasting effect. What's really bad was this girl would throw herself at me and chase me and when I let loose and showed interest back, she backed off and acted like I was being some clingy psycho. She ended up going back to the ex she complained about and basically everything she said by showing interest was just her manipulating me for a hook up and she used me as an ego boost and as a way to make her ex (now boyfriend) jealous. I was so led on.

    But lesson learned, when anyone complains about their ex or says they're newly single, I'd be HIGHLY skeptical of them. If they seem like they're very into you, it's most likely not for the right reasons.

    2|0
    0|1
    • What's really worse about being rebounded is that I'd have dates with other women after her and still get angry, jealous, etc. it made me feel like I was on the rebound to an extent if that makes sense.

    • I'm sorry you had to be the rebound guy, and especially the way she treated you because of it and after it. Relationships, no matter how horrible the person on the other end is, always leave an impact on us huh. I hope you find the strength to realize she was a total bitch lmao, and she disrespected you so much. There are good girls out there, I can assure you that. There are good people too, just good people who make poor choices sometimes.

    • Yeah I know she was a total manipulative bitch but the thing is it still left a lasting effect and it made me wonder if I was coming on too strong or not strong enough with women after her. For instance, the one who rebounded on me asked to go to my house on the first date, scoped out family photos and was asking deep questions. She even wanted to go to my friends bonfire in that same week so that made me feel she was comfortable with meeting friends and family. So when I asked her to come back to my house and meet my family, it made things go downhill and having a nearly year long dry spell before her didn't help either,

Most Helpful Girl

  • Uhhhh... What I deduced from this rext is that the writer is a very weak person unable to learn not only from other people's mistakes but also from her own mistakes.
    I don't blame you for falling for your first love. I guess we all have this one person who we think of as our soulmates. when the reality hits us at some point we yourealize how foolish the whole situation had been. And that's what you should have learn from your first experience. That people do deceive us... But then like any other sane person you didn't decide to put up your shields to not get hurt another time , you go straight into an abusive relationship and you stay there for years. that does not make sense and this shows that your character is weak! Then you get out of the relationship and instead of feeling liberated you become clinically depressed because you can't live without the presence of a mere boyfriend... that is even more pathetic. Then you get into a rebound relationship by which time you should have known better than to rush into another relationship just in order to forget your pain and as long as you are not able to learn from these mistakes and experiences you are bound to repeat all of them over and over again.
    Instead of learning not to wear your sleeve on your heart, you go on and on about how you miss them... Before you start dragging people into your life, you should build a life that is not centered around another person. Once you have managed to do that, it's okay to bring someone into your life to share your life with you, and not to becaome your life.

    1|1
    4|0
    • I never meant to apply I had a strong character, I know I am weak, that's why I even ended up with those people and felt the things that I did. But I was very young, and you cannot deduce such a conclusive statement based on just this text. There's a lot more to my life you have no idea about that contributed to being depressed and being in a cycle of "dependence on others". I can see where you would have gotten that from though, and it is fair. I was very vulnerable and weak. I do not miss the people or the relationships, except the last one as it has only been a month. I think I am allowed to be saddened by the loss of a partner as it's natural. Depressed, perhaps not, but sad, of course. Saying things like "pathetic" and being dismissive about extraneous variables that may have contributed to me shows you are ignorant, not very critical, short tempered, and easily bothered. Not everyone learns from their first experience, especially when they're a young.

    • It takes several tries for someone to come to a realization they can actually act upon. I doubt you know what it is like to be in an abusive relationship, so your opinion on "gotten out asap" is invalid. I could only get out when I wasn't imprisoned mentally. You clearly did not read my take with an open mind, because I clearly stated that I did not want to center my life around another person in the end. It took a while to realize it, and it was a building process. I already acknowledged it. I guess you, like everyone else has a right to their opinion though right? But try not to come across so superficial and ignorant in your points next time.

Join the discussion

What Guys Said 8

  • As someone who is trying to get over the girl I love at the moment, I enjoyed this. Sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time with your relationships. But this was something nice to read. It was an interesting take. I've been depressed for the past few weeks. I've sought school counseling/therapy. Love sucks. Mentally, I know eventually I'll be fine. I'll move on from her and my "the one" is out there. But at the moment, my heart just doesn't believe that. Logically yes, on paper, i will find someone better for me. Someone who will prove to me that my past 5 years of romantic endurance, effort, heartbreak, and disappointment are worth it. And my dream girl is out there for me. But my heart keeps screaming "You already *found* her. But too bad; you can't have her. Someone *else*, some other guy gets

    1|0
    0|0
    • To be with her. But your post gave me some hope. And I really needed it. It was well written, and very insightful. Thank you for it, OP.

    • I'm glad it gave you a little hope. I'm sorry about your breakup. How long has it been since you broke up? I understand how you feel. If you need someone to talk to about it, let me know. I know as everyday passes it seems like it's not getting better, and especially after 5 years it must be extremely painful. All I can say is, let the emotions wash over you. Don't hold anything in. It's very true about how logically it all makes sense, but your heart is still strung on her. Sometimes the heart knows a reason that reason cannot comprehend. Time heals a lot of things, and what time cannot heal, we must heal ourselves.

    • My apologies for the late reply. Been at work haha. And it wasn't a 5 year relationship. I just said 5 years because it's been that long for all romantic pursuits. There was one or two before this girl, which didn't go anywhere. But I've known this girl for about two years, but we only dated for a few months. But I was in love with her before we dated. It took so long because there were issues with approval from her mom. But I've never felt anything like this before. I knew I wanted to marry her. I knew how I wanted to propose... it's a long story. But I do appreciate your support. It means a lot. Truly it does. I feel one hair short of like... a breakdown haha. But I'm trying to move on, forget it, and try to remain hopeful that there is someone for me. A "the one" for me, though that is my biggest issue. Believing I'll find someone better. On paper, I guess I will. But my heart doesn't believe it (corny). But thanks for the support. Just waiting for time to hurry the hell up haha...

  • nice girl meets an asshole. turns her into a bitch. bitch meets nice guy. fuck him up. turns him into an asshole. rinse wash repeat. Ali will probably fuck up some other girl's life.

    2|0
    0|0
    • LMAOOOOO. I am laughing because of how true this sounds, sadly :(

    • sadly.. yeah

  • I'm going throught the same thing at the mo. A girl I love so much broke my heart and she doesn it on purpose at times to heart. All I've ever done is be there for her and be kind to her. I wasn't clingy or anything. Though it bothered me when she wasn't around. I would hold it in just so not to bother her.
    I hate people that tell you cut them off or give heartless mean advice for a relationship or breakup. It's like a lot of people don't understand what compassionate really is.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Your love was selfless and kind. I think you were able to experience that wonderful feeling, it's too bad that she didn't have that experience and she was very selfish on her part. I can relate to your pain. The love you gave her was rare, and she fucked up. And yeah I dont like when people are so easy to judge and say "GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE" Its really not that simple and it takes a lot of time, strength, and patience to be able to let go of the one you love.

  • What? A relationship is never a lie just because it ended. Don't be so pessimistic.

    Relationships and the feelings in them are real. Shit just happens. People fall for other people, people lie to not hurt the other person. Or because they don't want the relationship to end because they know they f'd up and know you would end it with them.

    Everyone needs to be loved. And wants to give love. That is something I believe wholeheartedly.

    When a breakup occurs people turn into sour lemons and blame the other person. Don't, you are both at fault but perhaps in different degrees. There is too much hate in the world already, try to keept it to a minimum by forgiving the other person.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It feels bad.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good advice, I remember getting over someone years ago and it was hard. I've never had be in that position before and it was just new to me. It took time but I got over the person but I still think of them from time to time wondering whatever happened to them.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 20 years old and you already had 3 plus boyfriends wow.

    0|1
    0|0
    • If you read what I wrote properly, I wrote that I've liked a lot of people, not necessarily been with a relationship with everyone I liked, lmao. I mentioned 3 because they were serious, and I never dated the first one.

    • Show All
    • Oh. Well what I meant was, I want to learn to be happy without being with a guy. I don't want my happiness to depend on a relationship. I don't want to be depressed because I am single, and I don't want to feel an excruciating "need" for someone. Yes, life is better with someone, but life can still be good single and I think it's important to appreciate those moments too.

    • Thanks for your insight though, appreciated.

  • you have to look at it from another perspective sometimes

    2|0
    0|0
    • That always helps, agreed. What perspective would you view it as?

What Girls Said 9

  • Geez sorry to hear, especially the abusive relationship noone deserves that. I'm happy to hear it made you a better person.. sort of, but noone should learn the hard way.. :( . It's a very relatable take, I like how you wrote it!

    Keep it up and stay good, there are more important things than love in life <3

    1|0
    0|0
    • I'm learning everyday! Thank you for your words they give me hope :)

  • I can relate to the experience you had with your first crush. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with the other two experiences you had, but I am very sorry for your pain. Thanks for sharing. Good take.

    2|0
    0|0
    • thanks for reading :)

  • Much easier to be heartless than sad all the time.

    4|0
    0|1
    • That is an easier way to not feel pain. Might be a controversial opinion but this quote resonates with me, "“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
      I don't think everyone can and will be sad all the time, life is dynamic and changing. There will always be moments, however small, that put a twinkle in your heart. Just have to acknowledge those sometimes.

  • Very relatable take. Sorry to hear about all the heart break and pain you've been through. Part of life I guess..

    1|0
    0|0
    • Yeah, everything is a learning experience. Pain makes you stronger. :)

  • I felt as though he had ripped my heart out and smashed it like glass on the floor. I missed him so much I could barely breathe, it was as if my lungs had been ripped out or punctured or something. Truly the hardest thing ever, I'm still trying to get over him, and I have had to see him in class everyday for the whole year, and the whole of next year.

    0|0
    0|0
  • This is a wonderful myTake! Similar to me, so it's relatable :)

    1|0
    0|0
  • Its rare to love so purely and unconditionally. I have been through the same things as you and i am still getting over my childs daddy. As hard as it may seem. I still love him and i know he doesn't love me. So be happy in what i have and enjoying life when it happens. Love is love. Thank u for sharing

    0|0
    0|0
  • My profile pic says it all. :)

    1|0
    0|0
    • I had to screenshot your display pic, that is perfectly said!

  • Been there, done that

    Almost exactly the same situation, and I'm in the same state now

    1|0
    0|0
    • I feel like you are describing me.. I'm also feeling depressed, I lost the guy because of the stupid thing i did.. i am so lost

    • Do you mean when I described my last relationship? Yeah... it sucks. I know the pain. Try not to let the guilt consume you. It takes two people to start a conflict, and the closer two people are the more hurt they will be from each others actions.

Loading... ;