Why I broke up with my cute but abusive boyfriend after 2 weeks of dating

[Anonymous]

Prelude

I am and always have been a writer.

My purpose in sharing my story is to entertain you but also shed some awareness through some of my experiences.

If you are triggered by abuse or violence, please read at your own risk.

Otherwise, sit back, grab a drink and enjoy my story!

No shade no tea huntyyyy

Being Middle Eastern

I feel it's important for me to get this idea across to my non-Middle Eastern readers because there is a culture difference.

When it comes to dating, there is the expectation that you fall in love, get married and remain faithful to each other.

So a lot of the time, when 2 people decide they like each other, there is the expectation that they involve their families and get married if they're at the right age.

Most of the time, we don't move in together and we don't lead each other on for years and years.

If the relationship lasts for years and years and the family hasn't been involved yet, this a red flag and considered 'playing around' or 'wasting time'.

This might not be for everyone but this is in fact the culture and to each his own!

What drew me towards the relationship

Let's start on a positive note.

After meeting this guy, I dated him because he was very sweet towards me; he would call me every day, text me all the time and genuinely made an effort to get to know me as a person.

He was also a few years older than me and for many of us younger girls, this is a bonus because it's more attractive when a guy has his life together and comes across as mature.

He was also physically quite handsome; tall, dark hair and a cute face.

The red flags

It all came downhill when he started to claim me - what started off as 'I plan to get married' soon became 'you are going to be my wife', 'baby', 'my wifey'.

This made me uncomfortable given that I hadn't expressed my desire to get married to him yet, it was WAY too soon!!

And then the weird questions started coming in...

'Are you a virgin?'

'Would you beat your children?'

'Would you tell me if you found our children were lying?'

'Why did you break up with your ex, do you still love him?' (Bear in mind it's been 2 years since I saw my ex lol).

'I am not your boyfriend. I am your man.'

I should probably mention here that he is no way, shape or form conservative at all.

Not that there's any shame in it because I don't care nor judge -- he is not a virgin himself, parties a lot and has casual sex.

Conclusion

If you are in a relationship where you don't feel safe you *must* follow what your mind tells you and not your heart!!

Love should feel good and NOT bad

The sooner you leave, the easier it will be.

I didn't wait any longer, after 10 days his true colours started showing and I told him straight up that he was scary and I didn't want to be with him.

Also, *always* make sure that you tell someone you trust when you're freshly dating.

They will point out when something is off because sometimes your judgement will fail you and sometimes we're blinded when someone says the right things to us to lure us in.

I was told I was amazing, perfect, beautiful, sexy, feminine...you name it.

But he had 0 respect for me, my sanity and my safety.

[ohshee]

Well I don't see it as entertainment I see it is something that happens way too much and I'm glad that you are telling us and telling girls what's going on because they can learn from it I look at you as a teacher a mentor in a way because you are open about it I'm sorry that you had to go through it I think it was bullshiting and that guy needs his ass kicked it doesn't matter how cute anybody is once they cross that line they keep Crossing that lady and the girl has to be smart enough to walk away fast and you did just that you're very smart girl and I commend you for letting your story be heard

[myTake Owner]

Thank you so much!!! I truly appreciate your comment.
That's definitely true, I want to raise awareness and this can go both ways - it can happen to men too! The sooner you end something the easier it is.

[ohshee]

I see you have a good head on your shoulders there are a lot of girls that think that they are so deep in love with that person if they don't care that they get abused and that's just totally wrong it is so wrong that is not love love is when somebody takes care of you and wants to be with you and it's nice and his kind and is always there not call you names abused you is rude to you is mean to you treat you like dirt I don't understand it sometimes but yes with your message I mean that's what I loved about it is it I can feel the sincerity in the truth it was coming out of your words I just thought it was very beautiful and very cool that you did that

[myTake Owner]

Yes!!! It’s really sad because most abusers take advantage of that. I guess it goes back to childhood trauma and pash experiences as well. I’ve had previous experience in toxic relationships so this time I’m confident in the decisions I make because I went through it and I learned from it. Thank you again!!

[ohshee]

Well I'm sorry that you had to go through all this but I can tell you this you have become a very beautiful person because you've taken something bad and you have turned it into something good and that just makes you glow makes you shine I think so I have to thank you you're an asset to this world and to anybody that you hang out with or wants to date you

[myTake Owner]

Thank you so much!

[DrillBeats]

You were right to leave. Congrats for seeing the signs.

[myTake Owner]

Thanks!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I'm not seeing where asking questions or calling himself your man correlates to abusive or abuse? Or even how asking if you're a virgin is weird? Why is it weird to want to know the sex status of a potential partner 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Guy13]

Because you are smart, see future, and know you deserve a higher quality of male... I hope that is why you kicked this one to the curve.

[myTake Owner]

Thanks

[ObscuredBeyond]

"Are you a virgin?"

Innocent curiosity? If not, his tone usually betrays otherwise. Knowing your history should only inform him of your specific values; not be an absolute gold standard of your total worth all by itself. Given his own past, he has no room to do other.

Better wording: "I can't claim to have no baggage. If you have some, it's only fair. But... keep me in the loop how it could affect us. If your ghosts come back, or mine, we can be ready."

With my wording, there's acknowledgment of a team effort, an understanding that both have things to answer for. With his wording, it's entirely one-sided, and implies that you're a homewrecker. Well, then why is he interested? He is placing the burden for everything only on you.

"Would you beat your children?"

Beat? In what sense? Basic discipline, or clearly taking it too far? Two weeks is a bit soon to be asking that. After a few months, I'd understand.

Better wording: "If we ever have kids, and they're out of line... what sort of strategy for discipline would you be okay with? Here's what I'd do..." That way, it becomes a session of analysis of views on the topic; not a one-sided inquiry that feels like an accusation.

"Would you tell me if you found our children were lying?"

I would hope you'd tell! But he's jumping the gun a bit. You're not expecting!

Better wording: "If it ever comes down to having kids, let's keep them - and each other - honest."

"Why did you break up with your ex, do you still love him?"

Telltale insecurity. Possibly, some other woman pulled that crap; and he fears a rerun. I'd be curious too; but I'd wait longer, after you'd opened up more first.

Better wording: "What was so bad about your old buddy-boy?"

That gives you a chance to come clean, when you're comfortable, about any of your own regrets; while acknowledging that the other guy could be equally at fault. The wording he used instead, implies that you're some sort of manipulator. How would he know?

"I am not your boyfriend. I am your MAN!"

Uh... jumping the gun!

Better wording: "I'd like to work on upgrading that to being called your 'man'; we're not in high school anymore."

That would show that he is interested in not only you, but in self-improvement. He wants to EARN the right to be labeled differently, and with more dignity. His initial wording implies that he feels you already owe him that reward.

The differences are subtle, but they matter. He doesn't seem like bad news per se; perhaps a little clueless and very presumptuous / entitled. Without hearing tone of voice, I can't make a more informed judgment.

Trust me though, I've tolerated bullshit way worse than this from far too many women, before cutting them loose. You backing out early may have been the right call.

[Kira22]

I feel like there's more to the story than what you wrote. Did you deliberately omit parts of it or were there other stuff among others that you wouldn't share be it sensitive or make you feel uncomfortable? Not asking for you to share that but I am interested whether in the spectrum of 10 days you observed this behaviour because things dont add up for an abuse accusation. Not invalidating how you felt and I am sure it wasn't unsettling or disturbing but the way you described the facts in your story don't make up for an abusive partner but sure he could have potentially developed controlling tendencies so you were right to listen to your intuition. Just feel if this is all that happened that labelling him as an abuser is quite extreme. I asked my boyfriend to become my partner on our 3rd date and we knew each other for a week. Since then we are still together and we do call each other my man or woman or mention about getting married although we are both aware that this might not really happen and that we are very much in love so it's a way for us to bond more. We do talk about family upbringing potential parenting style or how we handle our finances or our values or relationship preferences even though we are both young but its a way we can assess if we can be life partners. This guy though is expressing it in the most cringe and creepy way understandable to feel violated. Observation: his appearance has nothing to do with his character or behaviour. Interesting to me how you felt the need to include this as an important detail in the story although totally irrelevant, hence, some predisposition or perceived notions on dating or societal norms start from there. Reflect on that to save yourself some years from following a toxic pattern in your dating life- somebody really hot or handsome isn't necessarily controlling or abusing or narcissist per se it's more of a character and internal values thing or mental disorder or cultural or family upbringing or trauma experienced. It seems to me you're kind of trapped in the mainstream idea of love depicted by hollywood who capitalize on throwing crappy shows about falling in love that aren't realistic and they even romanticize abuse. P. S domestic or verbal or emotional abuse is highly serious topic and occurs systematically followed by an attempt to manipulate or control and gaslight or deliberate attempt to omit the personality, following by promises to change by the abuser, obsessive thoughts and lots of love bombing. The context is important also. For this it should be approached as such not for the sake of a story. As a writer you have a responsibility to treat it as such and proceed with caution.

[Kira22]

correction: for sure they were unsettling or disturbing- didn't intend to write they weren't, that was a typo apologies

[myTake Owner]

Thank you for sharing! Yes I omitted some parts of it because I felt it was private :)

[TruthBringer]

I believe both sides are at fault. Sure he seemed to be rushing things while simultanously assuming what you want in life and from the relationship. At the same time, if it is within your culture to date with the main goal to quickly get married, and assuming he is also of this same culture, isn't it safe to say that he has the right to assume that you want to get married and have kids as you've not mentioned to wanting the contrary?

Besides, you said that you actually had a relationship with him. The issue is that you weren't transparent about your wants and goals PRIOR to deciding to have a relationship with him. You should discuss things with someone and make clear boundaries before you enter a relationship with them.

When it comes to his questions. I can imagine that such questions come across as uncomfortable. At the same time it is clear that he wants a 'clean' girl and not the 'party sluts' he is used to deal with. Sure I don't condone him engaging in a promiscious lifestyle, but you have to realize that men and women are NOT the same and that things such as body-count for a man is different than for a woman. They are polar opposites, in fact. So despite his unclean history of one night stands, it actually gave him a clear perspective to what he actually DOES want in a partner. And his questions clearly are a way to make sure he isn't with a woman who ends up being a bad partner to him.

I must have missed the part where he is "abusive". In what way was he "abusive"? By asking these questions and just wanting to make sure he isn't with a walking red flag? Or because he "claimed" you? Uhh, YOU were the one who agreed to a relationship, right? Last time I checked it is normal to call someone "yours" whenever you're in a relationship. That's not the same as owning that person as a commodity.

In the end, you both rushed into the relationship.

[EmbraceThePain]

I agree with @Jackblue


How exactly was he abusive? Or were you just throwing that word around without using your head?


Probably the latter.


Did he ask some weird questions? I mean, kind of.


Did he ask good questions? Questions I would also ask? Yes


Was he perhaps too fast for your taste? Yes, as you’ve expressed, but at the same time, do you think this is also part of his culture, upbringing, etc.


If you’re dating someone, isn’t it implied that, all things considered, lifelong commitment is what both parties want? So, in this case, marriage.


Otherwise, what is the point? If you knew someone just wanted to date you for fun but not for a long time, would you continue to date them? Probably not.


Stop throwing around the word “abusive.” I know you’re online so you feel more brazen to say things here that you wouldn’t say in-person.

[Jackblue]

thanks

[myTake Owner]

So I have been in an abusive relationships in the past. The key thing I've learned here is that the stereotypical abuse we usually talk about in society isn't the first thing we see. Abusers always start off as a very charming person when they first come into your life and it's important to recognise the signs, because once they have lured you in it's very hard to leave. They come into your life like Prince Charming and the first thing they want to do is rush into claiming you as theirs. After that they start controlling little aspects of your life by throwing comments here and there, and starting arguments over things. And when you do argue, they won't make up with you until you they've had the last word. I think it's important to spread this information because for many people we really just don't know. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship 3 years ago until things got very bad.

[Part2603]

Really? Two weeks? How much dating are you Middle Eastern girls doing exactly? Two weeks is such a short time, an American would sort of dismiss a two week relationship as really not much of a relationship at all... But I guess it sticks out in your mind?

It is interesting to see how crazy it is over there. Two weeks and he's already fantasizing about marriage? Are most men out there like that? Your story just seems bizarre when viewed through American sensibilities. You people sound absolutely terrible at dating. lol

[myTake Owner]

Lol this is how most of it swings for us... we just know what we want from the get go. Like I explained before, there is a presumption that this will lead to marriage eventually otherwise to us it's a waste of time. We don't do cohabitation and long-lasting boyfriend/girlfriend and if you do come across a relationship like that, chances are they're wasting time.

[Part2603]

Yeah I get that, and I'm kinda with you on like the idea that couples shouldn't be "dating" for longer than one year.

But like the idea that you could be anywhere CLOSE to being able to assess that in two weeks... Huh? Like maybe if you met somebody in a vacation type setting where you spent a few days in an accelerated schedule where you spent several hours with each other per day or something...

I just can't wrap my mind around how somebody could be so cringe two weeks in. And I get it, it was cringe... and you more or less say as much... But I kinda get the idea that you are kinda sympathetic to his worldview, if only he personally didn't push it in such a personally demeaning way...

I dunno. That's why I have so many questions about dating in the Islamic world. From why I hear it sounds so dysfunctional. Not that we Americans don't have our own dysfunction. But, uh, I'd suggest to you that maybe the fact that your "relationship" totally didn't work for you suggests that maybe the Muslim model on dating isn't exactly for you...

[myTake Owner]

So actually Christianity originated in the Middle East and it’s not only Muslims that follow this model. I don’t want to suggest this is the Islamic model because it isn’t, it’s more a traditional model.

There is the presumption that we were dating with the intent of marriage eventually, but it wasn’t like we were 100% sure that we were gonna get married in a few months for example lol.

I personally can’t marry someone unless I’ve dated them for 6 months - a year.

Some people get married quicker but they view marriage is a responsibility. If 2 people understand that and they want to
make their union work they will. Because the sense of responsibility will make sure they always compromise and never cheat. That’s why we have a lot more marriages in our culture compared to Americans for example.

It’s all about different lifestyles. To us marriage is important because when children are involved they need a home and a mum and dad present and recognisable.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

I am sound like smuck but , can you ellaborate on the abusdive part where was he abusive?


1. Yeah he called you his wife etc etc as you were two years together.

He would have believed you both wanted same things together or else why would you stay two years together?

2. Virgin thing was weird , but ex thing he might have been wanted to sure afterall in a way he proposed you for marraige also may be the delay in response could had made him feel that you could have different choice.

3. Any serious guy about marraige would think that marraige is an investment lol.

And i feel it was like he was asking for consent.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Can you elaborate on part how he disrespected you?

And also how long you have known him from?

[myTake Owner]

This is a different guy I briefly dated! :)

[Berethor]

It's not uncommon for a guy to want a virgin even if he is not a virgin himself.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MyGirlIsNotASlut

[myTake Owner]

It's weird. It shouldn't matter.

[Berethor]

Guys and girls are different, it might not matter to you but it matter to guys.

tvtropes.org/.../NatureAdoresAVirgin

[myTake Owner]

Not to all guys. My ex clearly said to me “I’m not going to ask about past because it doesn’t bother me. I love you for who you are”.

[Berethor]

He might told you that after he figure out that you virgin and only then he "didn't care".

[myTake Owner]

But plenty of men marry non virgins lol

[Berethor]

Depends on there you live, and it's usually a compromise, far from finding an ideal woman.

tvtropes.org/.../MadonnaWhoreComplex

[myTake Owner]

That’s crazy

[Lliam]

You're right, itsalyssaagain. That's some twisted bullshit.

[myTake Owner]

Really is!

[TruthBringer]

Thnak you @Berethor for bringing that up. It baffles me seeing so many people get stepped on their toes when they have to listen that virginity is improtant for many men out there and even often get shamed for it. Despite the fact that it has a biological explanation for men preferring a virgin. Statistics also show a correlation between the number of sexual partners and quality within relationships. The lower the body-count the lower the chance for things such as divorce.

[Berethor]

Yes @TruthBringer I heard about those statistics, and it's makes sense, thanks for the support.

tvtropes.org/.../MamasBabyPapasMaybe

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BrutalHonesty

[godfatherfan]

It amazes me that soooooooo many women want guys that treat them like shit. That is one of the biggest reasons I just stopped bothering with dating. I dated a lot of women after my divorce. 3 came from abusive relationships. I am the kind of guy that gets the car door (freaks many women out), asks her opinion, wants her to chose the restaurant or at least have a say, etc. One of them actually told me I was too nice. Not sure what to do with that. The other broke up with me, and ended up being with a guy that would kick her out of their house when they had a fight. I just laughed at that.

[bamesjond0069]

Asking if you are a virgin and calling you his... smh good grief. The horror. The abuse. How will you go on? Did you report him to the police too? He should face the death penalty for what he put you through.

Smh. you're the one with the red flags and he dodged a real bullet with you. This is psycho behavior to call normal questions and flirting abuse. you're devaluing and trivalizing women who get punched in the face and raped, thats abuse. Saying he's a man and not a boy... not abuse. Ok?

[Fromdusktilldawn]

"If the relationship lasts for years and years and the family hasn't been involved yet, this a red flag and considered 'playing around' or 'wasting time'"
I can't consent with that phrase, why can't you live together in peace without pressure of family or marriage

[myTake Owner]

Culture I guess. We have a different lifestyle to Western people.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for sharing this with us! And I'm proud of you for listening to your gut and doing the right thing by dumping him.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you! :)

[Bratsondanielle]

It can be difficult to get out after a while. I literally had to rescue one of my friends in the middle of the night when we all thought he'd kill her. Drove my truck halfway up on his porch and got her away took her to our house where she stayed a while. She was so scared she sometimes slept in the middle (no boys nothing happened so spare me the questions ) but yes I agree get out asap if you see the red flags. It definitely won't get any better

[Rei02]

Yeah, thank God you detected the red flags, although I am not sure if he was going to be an abusive relationship, I could have been that he was looking for a woman to have just children, a slave, a womb to rent, or that he is part of some human trafficking.

[HopefulGuy94]

The people always face to be failing the relationship if they date someone due of trying to fulfill the emotional or sexual blank they have in their heart. Why is it so hard to wait untill marriage? If the people started living like married couples so what is the meaning of marriage what makes it special , what makes the one that we marry to special? So interesting

[JamesDiaz11]

I’m not saying you were wrong, but it seems to me the high likelihood that you’re not a virgin (as you felt it necessary to point out he had casual sex) pushed your answer more than him “claiming you.”

[myTake Owner]

I’m a virgin

[Twalli]

He was abusive, that's all that I need to know for why you broke up with him. It makes me happy that you were able to realize that he was not a good boyfriend and break up with him in 2 weeks. That's impressive because most people stay in abusive relationships much longer and find it virtually impossible to leave.

[aialex]

Honestly, there's no need to elaborate why you break up with your abusive ex, no matter how cute or sweet he is.

Abusive is enough of a reason.

[Allysa_09luv]

yeah

[hi_it_is_me123]

The biggest red flag is when the biggest man whore with who knows how many stds wants a virgin. Women should stay away from such men. As a middleeastern i agree with you.