Was it bad that I told my ex I couldn't be friends unless she wants to date me?

[tinnyflipper]

My girlfriend dumped me 3 weeks ago. I handled the break up well (no begging or pleading). Since then I've maintained little to no contact. Yesterday she asked if we could be friends again cus it sucks not talking. I want her back soooo bad so I asked her what her intentions are by being friends. Basically she said she still has feelings for me but she needs more time to decide what she wants. So I said I think it's best we not talk for now.

Did I do the right thing? I've basically shut her up until she makes up her mind... which may be no relationship :( I feel like I should have told her I need to think. And then I could text her in like a week and start rebuilding the attraction on my terms. How is she gonna decide she wants to date me again if we're not talking? Did I just totally screw this up? Girls I really need your input on this one...

Updates

+1 y

I just want to emphasize this was not an ultimatum and I was just trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I realize now that I kinda shut down all the communication lines which isn't good for getting back together. Does anyone have some advice on how I can reopen them?

[Anonymous]

It is totally understandable you not wanting contact after she dumped you as it's like rubbing salt in the wound. I'd say she probably missed you after you broke up so that is why she said she still has feelings for you - however I would expect that if she was unhappy she would have discussed it with you before dumping you. I usually think long and hard about what I want before breaking up with someone. If you still really care about her, you could wait a few days and then contact her for a coffee and a chat - then you can tell her how you feel - that you still want her back and so can't just be friends and you could ask how she feels now after a break, ask her what went wrong. After that, if she still just wants the friendship then you dont want to be strung along - I mean how would you feel a month from now if she gets a boyfriend and as a friend you are supposed to be happy for her.

[tinnyflipper]

Yeah she did dump me out of no where without telling me she was unhappy first. From my point of view everything was going great and she told me she loved me and she thought about marrying me one day the night before she ended it. When she did end it, she said she hadn't been feeling right about it for a while... soooo I don't know if that means she still likes me or not.

[Opinion Owner]

If you still really like her then you should have a chat with her to find out what she felt went wrong. And try to find out how she really feels. But you probably don't want a friendship with her- nothing wrong with wanting "all" or "nothing". The thing is, can you move on and find someone new while you are friends with her? probably not as you will always be hoping she changes her mind.

[tinnyflipper]

Yes that's a good idea. However, I don't want to kill the attraction by just asking that. As a girl, wouldn't you like it more if I was somehow able to build up the mystery and attraction first? Wouldn't it be better if I was able to make it your idea that we get back together? Not sure if this is even possible in my case though since she's contacted me so many times since we broke up...

[Opinion Owner]

So if she has contacted you that many times she is keen for a relatuionship with you - you just have to find out if she wants the same as you or if she wants to string you along as a friend. I'd guess someone just wanting to be friends wouldn't bother to contact so many times. You also need to know why she dumped you suddenly as you dont want to be dumped again - hopefully she didn't just find someone else and is now coming back because it didn't work out with them. No harm in being a but allusive if you want - a bit of grovelling won't hurt her.

[lorix]

When I went away to college I decided to break up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. Over text. It was THE WORST decision ever. I loved him! I became so depressed I dropped out of college for the rest of the year. I was so focused on him. For a month I was bezerk. I was calling and texting him apologizing. So, you know what he did? Blocked all contact from me. At the time I thought he was cruel. But a year and a half later I'm so happy he did that. I'd never be able to move on from him if he didn't. All I would've done was stalk his social media. I'm completely over him and feel no attraction towards my ex. And recently I had another break up and what did I do? I blocked their social media and cell phone and was over them immediately.
Sounds harsh, but it works. The no contact thing is for the best,.

[Chantie7113]

I would have to honestly say that maybe she still has feelings for you. If I broke up with someone I wouldn't want to hangout with them or talk to them. I feel like its hard to go from lovers to friends... So its hard to say whether its ruined or not. Only time will tell. Also you dont really y want to come off as demanding with ultimatums either. Thst can scare girls away

[tinnyflipper]

Yeah I didn't mean to come off as demanding. I'm just not ok with being strung on... that's the thing. What can I do though now? Should I ask her in a few days if she wants to get coffee or something? This girl is very used to being friends with her ex though so I'm just scared she'll only want to be friends if I give in and say we can be friends.

[Chantie7113]

Give the coffe thing a shot and exoress your feelings honestly, if she still insists on just friends than I guess you have to choose whether or not you could deal with it not being more than that. Good luck buddy

[Anonymous]

nah you did the right thing if she really wants to be with you she'll come back fully not just as friends. I did the same to my ex

[tinnyflipper]

Did she come back?

[Opinion Owner]

no she didn't , but I was coo with it because that meant she truly didn't want to be with me

[missjayne]

I think that you made a wise choice. I don't think it would be fair especially with how you still feel about her.

[AshleyMD]

Not really some people can't be friends with they're exes. Don't feel bad if you genuinely can't be friends with an ex!