Dumped for being a Feminist?

Question

This just happened to me. 

My boyfriend just dumped me bcause he found another woman who, in his words, "acts like a real woman", I asked him what that entails and he bascially said "She's not a man-hating Feminist" like I supposedly am. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

Right now I feel horrible, like I just wanna disappear, crawl into a cave and spend the rest of my life in it... something. 

This is probably the biggest punch in the face I have ever received.

I mean, yes I'm a Feminist, I'm proud of that, I wear it on my sleeve and it defines a huge chunk of who I am and I though he was supportive of my beliefs, but I guess not and my beliefs are the reason he's breaking my heart. 

What in the hell do men want from us? To be like blowup dolls devoid of personalities and flaws, silent sex toys? Is that all men want is sex? I swear, sometimes I hate the entire breed and right now my soul is on fire.

What do men mean when they say they want a "Real Woman"? Was I not real enough for him?

Jubal_Hershaws_ghost · Accepted Answer

Let's be honest with each other here, I certainly see no reason that we shouldn't be. Breaking up is hard for both sides. For the person being dumped the effects are obvious and immediate. For the person doing the dumping it usually involves reaching what I like to call "Escape Velocity". This usually means creating a list of grievances that they find irritating, demeaning or otherwise objectionable and exhibiting callous behaviors designed to be confrontational. You probably noticed some of these signs in the run up to your breakup, but regardless, it probably took a long time for your boyfriend to decide to move on to what he considers a better offer. Your political beliefs obviously were part of his list of grievances, but probably more correctly stated, the intimacy issues in your relationship were on his list, he simply blames your feminist beliefs as the cause of them.

I have no idea what went on in your intimate affairs, nor do I care to find out. I don't say any of this to be unkind, my wife and I have struggled with intimacy issues for many years. Sex is very important for men's feelings of self worth in a relationship. If sex is solely initiated by one party, or if one party constantly rejects the advances of another party then serious harm can be done to a relationship. Remember, sex is a biological need, just like eating. Sometimes we have to eat before we're necessarily ready to for the wellbeing of our partners, and most of us do this without complaint because we expect this to be reciprocated in the future. I would suggest that perhaps sexual frequency should be viewed in a similar light, within reason. As far as specific sexual acts are concerned I would suggest that not everything porn tells us is fun is in fact fun, and not everything that feminism tells us is demeaning is demeaning. If you are strongly repulsed by something, speak up and tell your partner in those terms. Don't lecture them based on an outside groups talking points, nothing could be less honest/effective than that.

JuicyBrain · Accepted Answer

How much room did feminism take in your couple? If you kept refusing everything because it was demeaning or something, he may have grown tired of it. If you twisted everything he wanted and made it into a feminism issue, I don't blame him. And that is coming from a feminist. If you keep seeing your boyfriend as the "enemy", it's no surprise that he left. So I ask you again, how much room did feminism take in your couple?

Darkfairie17 · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry that your ex did that to you. It sounds like he is too immature to talk to you about what exactly about your beliefs bothered him. Perhaps if there was something you said or did, or he perceived that you believed, you could have had the chance to communicate with him and discuss it. Unfortunately he was unable to do that.

in my opinion it sounds like he was looking for an easy way out. It sounds like he changed his mind so suddenly. He obviously knew you were a feminist for a while. So why all of a sudden was it a problem?

Lucky for you he showed his true colours. While you are hurting right now, you will eventually feel better. I'm sure you will find a guy who is supportive of your views.

There are plenty of male feminists out there who would be proud to stand beside you and be with you :)

Esplorare · Accepted Answer

:/ Are you one of those pushy feminists who lacks tact, decency, and consideration of other's feelings when you speak and can't help but bombard people with your thoughts and feelings on gender relations? Woman to woman: some feminists are a pain in the azz because they bark like a Chihuahua then progressively bark even louder if you disagree with them or refuse to compromise your view to fit theirs. It's annoying as hell, even as a woman. If this description fits you then all you can do at this point is humbly consider if your view of what it means to be a feminist unintentionally spreads bad vibes and comes off as toxic to others then work to change it.

Cookies_AndMilk · Accepted Answer

Why don't you go back and read from the second to last section? That is the reason, that is exactly the reason my dear. It is the way you think and perceive men why he's left, and you can claim that isn't the way you think, but you've already proven otherwise.

Maik567 · Answer

"sometimes I hate the entire breed"

So was he really wrong when he called you a "man-hating feminist"?

You clearly have some issues regarding men that need to be solved, and honestly if feminism is a huge part of your life, that isn't gonna help. And I really dont understand why you would let a movement or a group define a huge chunk of who you are, because that is something that comes from the outside rather than from the inside, thats what seems fake to me. Because when you affiliate yourself with a movement you dont really seem like an individual with her own thoughts anymore, it feels like you're just gonna follow whatever the majority of feminists are gonna do.

Anyway he was definitely being a complete idiot and an asshole, if he had a problem with you being a feminist he should have made it clear from the start or just not have dated you in the first place. But you really need to stop thinking of men as some group with an unified opinion on how women should be/behave, thats just ridiculous.

I dont think you have to worry about the "real woman" thing too much, he probably just meant that he wants a more "traditional woman". You two clearly werent meant for each other, just try to accept that, move on and find someone more fitting for you.

Mesonfielde · Answer

@Loligirl Well, assuming your account is real and you actually are a real person and you actually believe the things you write here, I must admit that I'm not surprised that this happened to you.

The problem isn't that you were a "feminist", the problem is that your views are that of a *man-hating* feminist.

```What in the hell do men want from us? To be like blowup dolls devoid of personalities and flaws, silent sex toys? Is that all men want is sex? I swear, sometimes I hate the entire breed and right now my soul is on fire.```

While you say this, for one thing you probably realize that assumption is not only false, but it's also hypocritical. You yourself said that `Men under 6'0" are worthless trash that do not deserve the air they breathe`. I think you also mention that they need a 6-pack or otherwise they don't count.

```Most men I can care less about, if any of them got shot in the head I wouldn't shed a tear. Life's too short to get hung up on any men.```

You dehumanize men for the purpose of making them seem different to you, just so you can hate them for not being qualified for `your standards`. But you don't see males as human beings and people and equals, you don't find them valuable as persons. You see them for nothing but their subjective perceived sexual prowess.

So to answer your questions, no, what many men want is a partner who values them as a person and admires and respects them... and NOT just because he has a large dick and is 6'4" tall and has enough money that you find them a sufficient provider.

You did not love your boyfriend, his only value to you was that he was 6'4" tall unlike those other men that you see for nothing but filth and human waste.

And that is why he broke up with you. Not because you're a "feminist", but because you see men as "men" rather than as people, and you hate about 90% of them for no valid reason.

If you're a real person, and the views you share here are your own, anyways.

Jeffersonian · Answer

Let me start off by saying I mean no offense. So I hope you'll take what I say in the spirit it's intended. Your ex obviously does not agree wih your philosophy. He's probably been planning his escape for months, or maybe he did love you and was hoping in vain this was all a phase. He's been putting on an act, wearing a mask, and going through the motions to keep you happy, but he's not happy. He can never be the man he really is around you. Modern feminism teaches you that you don't need men. Men however, need you to need us. We're hardwired that way. We need a woman who is feminine and not afraid to show vulnerablility to us. Do that and we'll do anything for you. It really is that simple. Tell us you don't need us and you might as well be spitting in our faces. Women can save themselves a lot of trouble in the dating and mating game if they just once sit back and think, "I wonder how he feels when I say/do that?" I hear from a lot of women in my social circles about their relationships.. They're quick to point out their needs, wants, and desires, but when I ask them "how do you think he feels about that?" I get either the deer in the headlights look or a dismissive, "who cares?" Imagine for a moment being with a man who thought that way about you? Would you stay?

normalice · Answer

coincidentally, when someone says they want a 'real woman' or a 'real man,' they actually mean an imaginary one - or rather, one they don't know very well and thus fill in the blanks with the most optimistic components of their imagination.

Obviously, you don't hate all men, or you wouldn't feel "sick to your stomach" over this break-up, so I'll just disregard your "hate the entire breed" comment as allowable ranting due to the circumstances.

That said, I don't expect you'll jump right back into the dating scene, but this is advice for when you do: You have to consider the nature of ideals. The primary function of an ideal is to ignore the effects of reality in order to come up with a simplified model of how you think things ought to be. It's easy to say you hate all men and find it is usually accurate to assume they are all desperate sex fiends, and on a pseudo-objective level that might even make a great deal of sense. But then that cushion of male companionship is pulled out from under you, and suddenly you have to deal with how men actually are instead of how you perceive them within the confines of the narrative of your idealism. Compromise is hard. It's even harder for someone who isn't used to doing it, but it's not impossible and usually ends up being worthwhile.

What I'm saying is, you are highly unlikely to find a guy who agrees with you with equally strong conviction. It's important that you have the same strength of conviction, or you will burn him out. This leaves a choice: you can find a guy who agrees with you but not with the same level of conviction, or you can aim for a guy who doesn't agree with you but with the same level of conviction for whatever it is he believes. I would point out that the first option just failed you. If you try the second option, you may never agree, but you won't get tired of arguing either.

Tanuron · Answer

I was gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you are just hurt and wounded, but then I looked back on sevreal other posts you made and yeah.. I wouldn't wanna be with someone who was sexsist thats for sure. So that means I have yet to meet a feminist who isent sexsist.

Regardless, am sorry about your pain and that you feel hurt. Maybe better to find someone who share your believes even tho personally I find them to just contribute to making the world worse, but still. Whatever works for you.

AleDeEurope · Answer

"What in the hell do men want from us? To be like blowup dolls devoid of personalities and flaws, silent sex toys? Is that all men want is sex? I swear, sometimes I hate the entire breed and right now my soul is on fire."

See, right there, that's the kind of thinking that got you dumped. The way you think of men, even sometimes hating us, is why he dumped you.
I was gonna be supportive, but then I read that, where you clearly show your true self and how you think about men.

TrainwreckAdvice · Answer

Wow... "Sometimes you hate the entire breed" . No wonder he has issues with your beliefs seeing as how that's his breed.

26ukdude · Answer

The more strongly a person believes in feminism, the more radical and man hating they usually are, which if you want to be in a relationship with a man... might not go down too well. The problem comes when you treat all men the same (our negative traits which is what feminism picks up on oh so well and doesn't stop reminding us for a second), if I was with a girl and she kept feeling the need to compare herself to me in every aspect of life, it would get annoying. If I held a door open for her and she questioned it, or kept posting pro women things online, belonging to forums, have posters or affiliating herself with it, it would make me feel uncomfortable and, in a nutshell, I wouldn't be with her.

Words_and_Wisdom · Answer

No rational man wants to date a feminist. You know why? Because of all the bullshit you blame us for. You make us think we're all potential rapists and that you're always a victim. Purporting lies like the gender wage gap and the '1 in 5' myth that your group uses and exploits to try to change law.
You're the group that gets innocent men put into prison with the flick of a finger sparking a new witch hunt. Where the mere word 'rapist' can ruin a guy's career and future and suspend all due process for him, especially in college.

I have no sympathy for you. You pretty much admitted your ingrain hatred towards guys. Until you correct yourself you're in no deserving of any intimate relations, and no guy deserves such treatment.

Briseide · Answer

He probably would feel more comfortable with a woman who agrees with him no matter what. Don't let him be the judge of your character. I believe real man can appreciate strong, independent women. But little boys can't. So don't let yourself be put down by what he said. It s his opinion only and it doesn't mean all the men see it this way. It also depends how far will you go with the feminist believes and what kind of compromise would be willing to do for the sake of a relationship. But you should always be with people that support you, not critice you.

LorcaNovena · Answer

I am all for equal rights for women and I'll be the first accept that women in many areas of our society are not on an equal footing.

My experience of feminism is not a positive one, now I am sure there are feminists who are not extreme in their views and do not hate men. There are a very vocal segment within this movement that show nothing but hatred for men and I wouldn't want to be associated with a woman who hates me because I possess a penis.

I've scrolled through a few of your posts and you come across as a horrible person, maybe you're different off GAG but on it, yes I can see why your boyfriend dumped you.

rjroy3 · Answer

"Yes I'm a Feminist, I'm proud of that, I wear it on my sleeve and it defines a huge chunk of who I am and I though he was supportive of my beliefs, but I guess not"

That's all you need to know. Yes it sucks, but it's a valid reason. It's the same thing when someone wouldn't date an atheist/christian/conservative/liberal/whatever.
Your lives and beliefs are not congruent with eachother.

I'm sorry that you're hurt, but to answer the question of "what does he want from you". He wants you to have similar beliefs and lifestyle as him and that's not a bad thing. But you don't HAVE to be those things for him and it's better he finds someone who is a better match and you do the same.

No one wants to be with somebody who just tolerates them. You want someone who loves you for who you are (given you're actually a good person. Because if you're a shitty person, then you should probably change lol)

tenchu11 · Answer

You sort of seen like your man hating. Maybe he did support you hoping it was just some facade. but realize you really were a man hating fem and wanted an independent woman who was more into traditional roles.

Nick_D · Answer

If you always pick on male gender with disdain and criticism it is very understandable why he dumped you.
You have to learn that, regardless of your feminism, having a love relationship with someone is about friendship, love and trust, and not about criticism, contempt, rivalry and gender competition.

FakeName123 · Answer

"sometimes I hate the entire breed" I would assume thats an issue as it implies you also hated men occasionally BEFORE he broke up.

Anonymous · Answer

Not enough information here.

I tried scanning your other posts, I couldn't see too many.

From what I could see, you don't appear to be much of a feminist, rather you have no respect for men. You complain about male objectification of women, while most of your posts here are telling men that they 'are so ugly they don't deserve to be called men' or calling them manlet for being short, or stating they are the 'wrong race' for you to date. You seem to be exceptionally superficial and judgmental about men's appearances while simultaneously declaring that magazines with photos of attractive women should be banned.

If I weren't suspicious of trolling, I'd suggest you're the sort of modern, 21st century woman who has simply picked up points of feminism that let her complain about things she doesn't like while shamelessly using traditional views in their most coarse manner when it's to your benefit.

Anonymous · Answer

I am sorry for your experience, but I cannot blame him for letting you go. I would do the same. You live in the US, where feminism today is pure poison. Please don't correct me by showing me the dictionary definition because it is worse than meaningless. All that matters is what feminism does, and what it has done over the last decade or two, and continues to do in the US is utterly indefensible. When you identify as a feminist, you legitimize and support all of that and are thus just as guilty as anyone else.

Prettygurl12 · Answer

Don't go blaming yourself. You two were just looking for different things. Just move on. Pick yourself up, dust off your pride, and move on. Find a guy who wants what you have to offer.

thelanatellama · Answer

This entirely depends on what you mean when you say you're a feminist. If you mean you support equal rights, etc. Then he's a prick and you're better off without him. If you mean anti-men, patriarchal propaganda then... yeh.
(clenching butt for incoming hate)

madhatters4 · Answer

"What in the hell do men want from us? To be like blowup dolls devoid of personalities and flaws, silent sex toys? Is that all men want is sex? I swear, sometimes I hate the entire breed and right now my soul is on fire."

See, right there, that's the kind of thinking that got you dumped. The way you think of men, even sometimes hating us, is why he dumped you.
I was gonna be supportive, but then I read that, where you clearly show your true self and how you think about men.

Dumped for being a Feminist?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Dumped for being a Feminist?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.