Has my ex freaked out? Commitment phobia?

We were together for over 5 years. Within ONE week he became distant and a little offish. This was not a gradual slow decline where we were arguing or not being physical etc...so I was VERY shocked, it was completely out of the blue.

The reason we split was because he said 'maybe were just best friends', 'he says he loves me but doesn't know whether he is in love with me'...We had just had an amazing time on holiday celebrating 5 years together, he just turned 27. A few months before the breakup he was asking me to move in with him, marriage and future I guess was bought up more than usual. All our friends and both families are shocked.

We met to discuss breakup he said 'He isn't any happier because he wasn't unhappy' 'im his best friend' I asked him if he just loved me as a friend and he said no. I said he will regret his decision and he said 'i probably will'

I completely stopped myself from contacting him and eventually he started contacting me. We met up after he said he had bought a birthday present for me and wanted to see me (7 weeks ago) When I asked him about breakup he said he has doubt in his decision he has made, but he didn't want to tell me that as he didn't want to lead me on. He said he was confused. I told him I won't be his friend and he has to sort his head out.

Within the next few weeks following I haven't instigated any contact, its all been him...he has been making excuses to contact and see me...he keeps saying he will fix my car if I want him too. At first I rang him and asked him not to contact me about my car and only get in touch if you want to talk about this situation and us. In this conversation he admitted he was confused and missed me but wasn't sure if he just missed the habit and routine etc...

Anyway a week later he finds out my car window is playing up and he sent a text asking if I wanted him to fix it (even though I said don't text me about my car...) I kept declining...he asked about 5 times and I said no thank you but thanks for offering. I finally accepted his offer and then arranged to go to his and he would fix it but then I changed my mind and the next day sent a message saying not to worry. He didn't text back which I thought spoke volumes.

I went on holiday and he texted me before I left saying 'have a good time and let him know when I'm back and we'll catch up' he then texted me the day I got back asking if I had a good time and making small talk but didn't mention catchup...didnt hear from him for a week so I initiated the FIRST text since breakup saying 'im around at the wkend if you want to catch up' he said cool and would b in touch and on the Sun sent me a message asking if I still, wanted to do something...i agreed and said go for a drink but he suggested cinema! We went and met, didn't bring up breakup just small talk and caught up...havent heard from him yet.

Also found out he hacked into my f/book (mutual friend lives with him)-yet he broke up with me? Is he regretting his decision?


Most Helpful Girl

  • WOWZERS! I don't even know where to beging with this. But I do think you deserve accolades for playing it so cool since the breakup. You've made a lot of smart moves and you are keeping your wits about you as opposed to getting caught up in the emotions and acting desperate like so many other women do. Good for you! OK, now on to the question @ hand...It is hard to break up with someone that you have been with for 5 years and not go back and forth after making a decision like that. I can't say that I think he's regretting decision but I think he is definitely second-guessing it. He doesn't know if his decision was the right one. I think the way youve played the situation up to date, is the way you should continue to play it. Never initiate contact. He made this decsion and he has to be the one to approach you if he thinks that his decision was not the right one. I sincerly hope that every thing works out for you and that you get what you want, whatever it is that you want. Good luck doll! :)


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  • Sorry but your guy sounds like a flake. I had a similar experience with my boyfriend of 4 years and best friend of 9 years. He kept changing his mind - saying he loves me but he is not sure what he wants etc etc. One day he would say he didn't want to be in a relationship and the next day he would say he was sorry. And I regret every time I went back to him.

    Long and short - I think you should seriously work on moving on with your life. Don't play the "I won't contact him so that he wants me back" game. Just leave for good. Do it for yourself and focus on your life and making the best out of it. You deserve much more than someone who can't make up their mind after 5 years.

    Good luck and be strong, but don't let him treat you this way. I know it's tough as you are probably thinking that you won't find true love again but you have to think positively and do not build your life around love. Focus on yourself, your career, building your confidence, traveling, etc. The right man will come along.

  • It sounds me he can't make up his mind about what he wants ... Maybe he does have a fear of commitment, I know I do but if I break up with someone cause of it I don't keep going back to them and trying to be all buddy buddy with them ... I'm thinking he wants to be with you but cause you guys have been together for so long the thought of actually settling down is scaring him ... and some guys think that if you get married things change so maybe that is it. maybe he is afraid that things will change or yours or his feelings will change once your married.

    • The weird thing is we never actually said 'were getting married' its just come up in conversation between friends, were not even engaged. I guess though after being together such a long time that is the 'next step' but I agree if I was in his position and make that initial decision to end things I would not keep going back to them I would move on. Lets hope he has some sense knocked into him...

    • You could always just start acting like a friend to him ... like how you are with your other male friends, or if he offers to do something for you just say yes straight away you know ... I know it would be hard but try and show that this hasn't affected you like he's doing to you ... cause that's what he's doing by not bringing up the breakup.

  • this guy sounds flakey. I would just let it go and move forward. And if he asked, do you really want him back? I only took a guy back once and he was right back to his flakey stuff. I walked that time and he tried to get back with me again! I already had a new boyfriend. He tried five years later. Naw, classic. They always realize what they lost after the fact.

  • Sounds me to me like he wants to keep his options open. how does he get all your private information, like when you leave and return from vacation? I wouldn't let him or anyone you mutually know, know anything about your private life and comings and goings. he knows you are willing to talk about the staus of your break up, yet he still evades making any solid decisions. Try to keep busy and I personally wouldn't allow him the pleasure of even my friendship since it seems it is causing you anguish. To me a boyfriend should posses the same qualities as a friend, except for the intimacy. If he didn't have what it takes to be your b/f, why allow him to be your friend?

    • Well b4 meeting him I made the decision not to bring up the breakup. I wanted to see what he would do from then on, that's why it lays in his hands to make next move if he wants to. My ex is a v. withdrawn person and wouldn't likely bring up the breakup unless I did then he would talk about it. I think he came prepared to talk about it so was probably quite suprised I didn't. The elephant in the room will always get bigger so if we meet again I will ask what his intentions are.

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