My ex is confusing me, am I just overthinking this?

[mben203456765432]

My ex and I dated for 2 years tell she broke up with me in December (she has since stated that was to "push me" to try and become a better person). The last couple of months I've been working my butt off to try and improve and she's said she's noticed! She stated about a week ago that she is "in a relationship" but based on people who know us they say this is for sure a rebound.

A few nights ago I ended up heading to her apartment to take care of some stuff and we ended up getting physically intimate at her initiation (she NEVER did that when we were dating) After we finished she talked about some concerns she had if we got married (first time she talked about that sense breakup). She stated 3 issues, one of which she kind of proposed a solution to. One of them was something she blamed my parents for as it turns out (not to get into too many details, but that's fair): She said for this one that she would be willing to help me work on this one. The final issue seems to be projecting some of her standards on me. She told me unprompted that she "doesn't know what she wants" (as she did a time or 2 before this other guy) but she also told me that I for sure have a shot. Ended the night with her kissing me (again that never really happened before).

so I have a few questions here: and if you're going to disparage this girl or my judgment please just don't comment! I've already made my choice for this and I am going to work for a few more months but if she hasn't made a choice then I will am just going to cut her out of my life completely.

1. What could she be meaning when she says "I don't know what I want"? And any suggestions on how to help influence that one way or another?
2. What are some ways I could stop projections?
3. I am thinking I want to have a conversation where I say "hey, I've done x, y, z so what is the issue here? Anything I should say if I do such a conversation? Anything I should avoid?

Updates

+1 y

To be clear when I say
"I've made my choice" I am meaning that I am going to work for a few more months on this and then depending on the results at the end of the summer cut her out of my life. I can understand why people would suggest this but I have decided that I do not want to do that.

Updates

+1 y

Also (no clue if this makes a difference) but she has some past trauma from being raped/terrible guys before me. She also has some pretty major depression and anxiety and is mildly autistic. It's an interesting combo for sure, but I still really do love her.

[BillHe1]

I agree with your #3.
1. Be in a casual setting, TRY to stay calm.
2. Try to say it in a straight forward and as openly a conversation as possible.
3. Ask her to be truthful and try to keep it as a sincere conversation.
4. Say exactly what you want to say and don't go into a lot of history, try to initially stay brief.
5. Let her make her replies, listen carefully but calmly. Don't be too judgmental of things she might say, or how she says it.
6. Let her finish and don't abruptly interrupt.
7. There maybe mention of other Hookups on both sides
8. Remember there are 2 sides and a little "give and take" of both people.
9. Someone's feelings may get hurt.
10. Again try to stay calm and comfort her if so needed.
11. Calmly make your replies and again wait for any responses from her.

You're either going to work this out TOGETHER, or you'll find yourselves going separate ways.

Relationships always need a lot of work and togetherness.

[mben203456765432]

My only problem with this kind of setup to the conversation is when we have had this kind of conversation in the past she usually likes to just listen and is not super talkative. Would you have any suggestions about how I might be able to adapt to that?

[Iron_Man]

She’s confused you’re going to have to take things slow with her

[mben203456765432]

any suggestions on things to do/things to avoid when trying to take it slow?

[Iron_Man]

Just do things that she wants to do you’re gonna have to really baby her come up with a good motivating conversation

[mben203456765432]

would you have any suggestions as far as what a motivating conversation might look like? I LOVE THAT IDEA (i was originally thinking something more akin to "this is where i am at, i'm confused" but i love that idea. not sure how to start it though)

[Iron_Man]

Talk about college schooling talk about her plans for the future what kind of work she wants to do build it up and say yeah you can do that that’s a wonderful idea things like that

[mben203456765432]

ok so talk about her plans and try to show her that i support them/mine are simmilar (they really are)

[Iron_Man]

Yes build her up act enthusiastic act interested in her life. Take her out to lunch and pay for it get her a little gift things like that

[mben203456765432]

ooooo i really like this idea!!! would I be able to dm you (I don't know if you can do that here lol) if i have any other questions?

[Iron_Man]

Yeah sure you can do that

[Iron_Man]

We can talk tomorrow I’ve only slept one hour today and I’m exhausted

[mben203456765432]

do whatever you need to do :) i really appreciate it

[Iron_Man]

Follow me I’ll get back to you tomorrow

[mben203456765432]

i may send a few questions tonight, feel free to get to them whenever.

thank you :)

[Iron_Man]

Just send me question invites and I’ll get them when I wake up

[mben203456765432]

It won't let me send you a message sense I am not a "high enough level"

[Iron_Man]

I’ll message you later right now I’m doing laundry

[mben203456765432]

Feel free to do it at your convinence. I know you had been generous in offering to let me pick your brain I just wanted to let you know :)

[Iron_Man]

OK I just got the washing machine loaded up I have some time now

[Iron_Man]

Thank you for most helpful award

[mben203456765432]

after everything you've said your willing to help with its the VERY LEAST I could do

[Iron_Man]

It’s appreciated

[Siren777]

I would answer but you've already made your decision. You said so by stating, "I have already made my choice for this." So it doesn't matter what the people here think.

[mben203456765432]

I posted before about this on other forums asking for advice and I have gotten a lot of people saying "hey she's the worst leave her" or things to that effect. My decision that I speak of is that I am going to try for a few more months and then depending on the results I will cut her out of my life.

[mben203456765432]

I am sorry for not making that clear

[mben203456765432]

And to be clear I understand why people might say "hey you should leave her" But thats the decision I've made and its one I want to stick with for a little while longer.

[Avicenna]

A person needs to be mentally and emotionally ready for a relationship. Some people recognize this, some don't.

[mben203456765432]

and I mean to be fair to my ex she has some past trauma combine with some depression and anxiaty. I do fully recognize how hard it is to love through mental illness and I do fully acknowledge the fact that those are probably playing a factor here.

[KrakenAttackin]

She dumped you to get you to make more money
... starts fucking one or more guys... cheats on him/them with you... and you want to marry this cunt?

Dude, NO...

[mben203456765432]

i mean we are both in college (with a few more years to go) and i work for the IRS. I don't think money was a issue.

[KrakenAttackin]

You will regret marrying this woman... mark my words.

[In_Trance]

overthinking

[mben203456765432]

how so? I am not saying you are wrong (I would argue you are probably right actually) BUT I still would love some insight.

[In_Trance]

Why is insight required?

[mben203456765432]

curiosity. i came to ask opinions here cause i know the power of having insight from others. also wanting imput to help ease my own mind (working on that last part in therapy rn)