Someone cheated with me, is there anything I can do in this situation?

[Anonymous]

This guy and I used to be friends with benefits long ago. We stopped when he got a relationship. They've been living together for a few years now.
They have had an open/poly relationship for over a year, he's openly about it several times.
Yesterday night, I saw him at a party. I casually asked how their relationship was going now. He said they're still completely open, but not certain on the poly part.

Fast forward a few hours and a few more drinks, we kissed. When I came back from the bathroom, he pulled me into an empty room, closed the door and put his hand in my pants. We hooked up. He definitely initiated everything.

Today he called me to tell me he cheated, what happened yesterday wasn't okay and his girlfriend dumped him. He apologized to me for involving me like that.

I'm very confused now. I feel a bit bad, although I also feel like I couldn't honestly have known and I didn't start anything. I'm disappointed in him too, I expected better from him tbh.

Is there anything I can do to help the situation besides staying a long way away?

[HollyK21]

All you can really do is let time do it’s thing. This just happened last night so of course you’re feeling shitty, but that will pass, just give it a few days. As far as how things went down, I’d say take fair fails from that situation and move on. For instance, you were wrong to hook up with him knowing he’s in a relationship (even a poly one has lines not to be crossed, like this for instance), but leave it there.
Anyway, I think that maybe this is a sign to set boundaries for yourself with men in the future and to maintain them. Like being able to say no and sticking to it in situations where you know it is the correct answer.

[Asker]

I triple checked, he said they're open. And he initiated. I assumed that meant it was okay. I was in an open relationship myself back at the time when we hooked up more often, that never was an issue because it was actually open.

I was fully able to say no and definitely would have if I had known. I just didn't know. And they had been open already for so long, or so I thought. Turns out he wanted to be open but she didn't, so he thought it was a good idea to go running around and say they were anyways.

[HollyK21]

Well hey, if that’s the case and he told you they were open when they were not then that’s his burden to bear. You’re saying you were fully able to say no, but I guess that’s sort of confusing because the sex still happened? Like if you didn’t know, was it forced? Otherwise this just seems like something you went along with that you probably shouldn’t have. Not necessarily because it wasn’t right, but because you know yourself and must’ve had some indication that morally it would take a toll..

[Asker]

I was able to say no, I just didn't want to because it was fun and I thought it was okay.
I've had plenty casual sex in my life and I've always had strong morals around it. I always make sure to be safe, consentual and to never do things that hurt others.
That's part of why I'm so shaken, I never would have expected him to lie to me like that. I thought he spoke the truth.

[HollyK21]

I think that is something to accept and take ownership of there, just saying no but then still going along with it because it was fun and you thought it was ok. He was absolutely wrong for not being forthright, and that is something his karma has dealt with. On your end though, this just wasn’t the best choice, and setting the right boundary may have helped. The ability to say ‘yeah this sounds fun and he says it’s ok, but I don’t feel 100% right about it and shouldn’t’. There was time to come to this conclusion, from clarifying his romantic status repeatedly to that moment of actually going through with the hookup, another choice could’ve been made. One that wouldn’t have left you feeling so guilty. My point with this ultimately is to take something from that experience, apply it to the future and to let it go.

[Asker]

I did feel 100% right about it though

Again, I have been in an open relationship before and I slept with this same guy very frequently then. It wasn't a problem. My partner knew and was completely okay with it. I assumed his situation was the same.

[HollyK21]

Well, if you have absolutely nothing to take from this, acted completely within your right and so on, then just let it blow over. You felt 100% right and also deceived, and he’s gotten his karma as she’s left him. There’s nothing else to do with this situation in that case.

[Chaopakhi]

It’s not your fault. He lied. Just walk away from the drama

[Fireguy17]

That is probably the best thing.
Wasn't your fault, stuff like that happens.

[Guy13]

No, stay far away as you never know what an upset X will do..

[Asker]

She's not the type to get dangerous, that's not the problem. Gosh I just feel so bad for her

[Guy13]

That’s good. Any contact would be stirring up the situation as I see it.

[Asker]

Agreed.

The stupidest thing is, he kept wanting to stay on the phone with me after he told me. And he was kinda making up excuses too! Like, he blamed his ADHD for not being able to stop himself. I have ADHD, doesn't mean I have self control issues. Blaming alcohol is understandable, but never a good excuse. I was absolutely wasted, he wasn't.

[DavidRaul]

Dont worry about it. It isn't your problem and never was.

[In_Trance]

Figure out what you did wrong or didn't do at all and change it

[boggboss]

U ain't in the situation so no u can't do anything