How to stop feeling horrible after a break up?

[Anonymous]

I initiated the breakup 2 days ago, and I want to essentially know when I am going to stop feeling regretful and horrible. I miss him now more than ever, even when we were still together but would go without seeing each other for weeks. I feel like I broke his heart and I start to cry when I imagine him crying in his room missing me, and I never intended for that. The day we broke up I explained to him that we are on really different paths and the things I want him to do are not things he is willing to do (go to therapy, get a job, be more romantic, etc). I feel like I had to end it because of too many small things piling on top of each other that it did not feel genuine to stay in the relationship. On the day of the breakup we both cried and he I noticed a new scar on him, and he admitted that he did it to himself, which made me break down. Seeing this on top of him telling me I am the only one for him and seeing someone I love so much breaking down in front of me shattered my heart and its all I can think about. I feel so guilty and full of remorse. I can't stop thinking of all the good memories and laughs we had which is making it hard to think of the bad times and all the cries I had within the relationship. He was my first boyfriend, took my virginity, and the first person I said I love you to and we have been with each other for 22 months. I want to reach out to him and check up on him, but I don't know if he wants space. I promised that we can still be friends, and I want to keep that promise but I don't know when is the appropriate time to reach out, so that we are both somewhat healed. How do I get over this pain, or at least learn how to cope with it. I wanted him to be the one for me and my person, but I just feel like he disappointed me over and over again.

[OlderAndWiser]

Breaking up: you may want to die. . . but you won't, so do yourself a favor and deal with it!

This is your first relationship, so you may have the belief that if you love someone, and if they love you, the relationshp should work and you should both be happy. . . so why are you broken up? The truth is that experience will teach you that love is not enough to make a relationship work; it is possible for two people to love each other and still not have a successful relationship.

You are also left with a void in your life. After 22 months, every thought you had abot the future probably included him. Now that he is gone, all of your future plans are gone and life feels horribly, horribly empty. And you miss all of the good times but don't remember quite as well all the bad times and the reasons why you broke up, so it is normal to question whether you have made a mistake.

You don't GET OVER a relationship just like you don't FORGET someone. You learned things about yourself, you learned some things about relationships, and you don't want to forget all of that. The pain will slowly recede and one day you'll start asking yourself if maybe you're ready to start dating again.

Don't look backwards or you will never move forward. Call on your friends and family to be supportive, keep yourself busy, but don't contact him; the only outcome of maintaining contact is rekindling the relationship and, if you do that, you will soon be reminded of all the reasons why you broke up the first time. Be strong for yourself!

[Asker]

thank you so much

[OlderAndWiser]

Good luck!

[FSCDBW]

Leave him alone.

Seriously, if you needed to break up with him, then fine. Accept that you're not right for him because you have higher standards which caused you to need to break up with him. Fair enough.

But now leave the guy alone. He has the right not to be punished for being who he is, as he is, the way he is. You have made it clear to him that he doesn't meet the mark. He "gets it." He didn't do that to him, you did.

Now you wonder if you should meddle in his life and yank him around like a puppy on a leash, while disguising your distaste for him as being... his fault, too. You said so yourself, he disappointed you over and over again.

What more do you want from him?
Leave that man alone.

[Wise4myage]

Go find yourself a rebound.