What does it mean if me and my ex cuddled and kissed but call each other "friends"?

[ddjniro]

Me and my ex broke up due to bad timing. Yes, I mean this. I was going through major depression, and she was going through her own things. I told her I couldn't be happy, and she told me that she was also struggling to keep herself and our relationship together. But recently, we decided to meet up and return our things a month after breaking up. And we ended up at her place as I wanted to take a nap before driving back home. Simply put, we ended up cuddling and kissing each other. And I stayed for over 9 hours just talking about our feelings. She feels that we can still be something in the future, but she didn't want to flat out start again because it wasn't right. I just want opinions. We both concluded that our situation sucks, and we were crying to each other and holding each other about how much we care about each other and miss each other so much.

Updates

1 y

Also, she told me briefly that after a month, if it still felt "right" then we can really start to talk about seeing each other romantically again.

[Nobileosun_9534]

You are really a shit , you solve your problem not your relationship.
Look i am in relationship and we both have a promise whatever happens sit tougher and solve it, just for example my girlfriend college end at 4pm and my online class start at 4pm to night but i decided to give time to my girlfriend and i will watch my lacture next day when she will in college.
If you both have felling for each other so don't lie yourself that you can be ok without your partner. Every relationship need little bit sacrifice and if you love you will not feel bad to ever secrifice for your partner. Sit tougher and solve it

[ddjniro]

i'm confused with what you're trying to say. But it seems like you're telling me about compromise and sacrifice in the relationship, and how I am a piece of shit for ending things for my own sake? And telling me to sit tight? I see what you're saying, but I wasn't happy, and I was suicidal and I feel like thats a valid reason for needing time for myself to do what I needed to do. And its because of my issues that kept causing me to act hurtful towards her, so it was the right thing to do at the time.

[Nobileosun_9534]

🤦 sit means, i want you both should meet and sit tougher and discuss about the problem , from your story i only understand that you are cheating with your feelings. You even didn't want to leave her but you are just confused about it. But if you are unhappy in relationship so you should leave it.

[ddjniro]

no no i appreciate your input. What you said makes sense! We have been having a lot of talks about our issues, we have resolved them. But I think we are waiting to see if this is what we truly want. And as time goes on and we heal, we can see if this is something we still want. Even for me I don't know if this is what I want, or if its me being needy.

[Guy13]

Affections of that sort and friends is a wrong labeling. Why this labeling is the Question ⁉️

[ddjniro]

Exactly what I was thinking. From what she's told me, she really wants to be us again. And its the fact that when I would make a move to hug her or kiss her. She would tell me that it was "so wrong" but it "felt so right".

[Guy13]

That’s code for “label this thing right so I don’t feel guilty and shame.”

[ddjniro]

the curve ball is that we both agreed that we were gonna do things based on each other. And we aren't telling our closest friends about us and what we are up to. And that we would act on what we wanted rather than getting caught in the stigma of what is socially accepted etc etc.
My point is, us doing the things that are a no no- are things that we openly do if it feels right because we don't care about what other people have to say or think about it.

[Guy13]

You are too young to understand Girlese and too analytical. Whisper in her ear, "girlfriend but Shhhh... just between you and me"

[ddjniro]

LOL essentially that is whats happening. And she says she really wants to invite me to the party with her friends and to bring my friends for Halloween so its gonna get complicated here very soon.

[AddylynnNightingale]

You call her your ex. So what else are you two other than maybe friends with benefits?

[ddjniro]

sigh, we're in limbo. maybe this isn't good for us lol, but we kinda still want to keep each other.

[AddylynnNightingale]

Well friends shouldn't be that intimate, not after a relationship, I think it'll bring more hurt than anything.

[ddjniro]

hurt for her? or hurt for me? cuz i still want her romantically, and clearly she is on the fence about it, but clearly there's still physical and emotional attraction to each other. Other wise we wouldn't have spent the entire day together laughing and speaking about our feelings to each other.

[OlderAndWiser]

It means either the two of you don't know what you want, or you're afraid to say it out loud.

[ddjniro]

I communicated to her that I was "open to trying again" and she said the same thing. But we didn't want to make a decision up front, but rather to "see where it goes"

[OlderAndWiser]

So you don't want to be committed to the idea of working on being committed?

[ddjniro]

she said "she wants it to feel natural" and that she feels like it shouldn't be something that we push, but rather something that just happens if it happens. She seems very conflicted. I have hurt her in the past a lot, and that's the only thing holding her back from seriously starting over right away is what I am getting from all of this.

[OlderAndWiser]

"she wants it to feel natural" Relationships aren't always natural. Your partner does something that gets you pissed off and the "natural" response is to either respond with anger, or walk away from the relationship. But neither of those are productive and you get farther by taking a timeout, discussing things, and working to find compromises.

Everything that is natural is not healthy. Asbestos is natural. So is hemlock. So is radiation. Natural is overrated.

[ddjniro]

wow. so what are my options here? Do I tell her that it feels wrong to do these things with her, and that if she doesn't want to work towards seeing each other again, that I inevitably move on?

[OlderAndWiser]

What happens "naturally" the first time you have a conflict?

This feels like she wants to stay close to the escape hatch so she can easily bolt whenever the mood hits her. If she doesn't want to commit to working on it, what do you have other than convenient sex for an indefinite period of time?

[ddjniro]

well i do agree i see her valuable even as a companion, not just some fuck buddy. But the problem is I want her as my bestfriend, companion, and lover still. But she seems very conflicted because she wants all the same things, but with a different title and without being hurt somehow.
And when i think about this, its a tough one because she would have to be okay with being hurt again if we want to start over. And for her to be okay with being hurt again, it certainly takes time. So I can't blame her for not wanting to commit to anything at the moment, but its also very inconsiderate to my feelings. But not fully inconsiderate considering the fact that she doesn't want to close the doors on us trying again. In fact she seems very receptive to the idea of getting back together but is still just waiting until we are both in a better headspace,

[OlderAndWiser]

How will you know when you get there?

[ddjniro]

i dont. but i set an ultimatum for myself, I will wait one month then after the one month when we talk and she feels like it's not something that's in her mind-then I have my answer to move on and never look back. although i can walk away and move on now, at least by doing this i eliminate all the residual doubt that i have, and at least i lived through my own values of seeing it through.

[OlderAndWiser]

That sounds lke a good plan, if you stick to the script.

[ddjniro]

i feel like its a very optimistic way to go about it, but I feel like my life has been actually getting better (started therapy, about to transfer to a university, got a job etc etc) so I know that me wanting her is from a true place of want rather than a place of need. And I will be happy either way and I've been healing pretty good.

[OlderAndWiser]

Remind yourself of those facts once or twice every day.

[ddjniro]

Thank you for your help, I will certainly remind myself everyday. This has been very helpful to me, more than you can imagine!

[OlderAndWiser]

Good luck!

[JPresidente]

Yes means no. No means yes. It’s not me, it’s you. Your breath stinks, no it was Taco Bell please forgive me. You two just hump already it’s what you both want anyway. Talk is cheap.

[ddjniro]

so friends with benefits type thing. However, I don't mean to sound like a hippie but I feel like we both have this strong emotional bond where we keep finding ourselves drawn together. And its beyond just attraction. Like the amount of times we've read each other's mind and called each other when we needed each other etc etc. Its dumb and i don't typically believe in that shit but it really is odd.

[JPresidente]

Cool. Now go kiss her and make love to her. You two are obviously crazy about each other and you both want it despite all the talking.

[ddjniro]

LOL fair point, but i probably gotta drop my expectations

[ArtieWhitefox]

It means this: you are one step away from being married according to God becoming one.

[ddjniro]

ah yes, i am confusion