What to do when husband is divorcing me and I feel like I’m at fault for ruining our marriage?

[Hannahbanana94]

I have been together with my husband for 10 years. He has been threatening divorce for years when we fight but never leaves. In August he packed his things and left because he felt like I was always harassing him And always yelling. And then he left and came back and said he was sorry and that we would figure it out together.
the reason I am that way is because prior to marriage he cheated on me. And while we were married he was always verbally abusive in fights. Mentally made me go crazy at times because he was so ruthless and cruel. I don’t feel like he ever went tried to reassure his love to me and make me feel stable. I was always walking on egg shells and never felt like enough. after our trip together he wanted to go out on a Saturday night after he told me he didn’t feel like going anywhere. he just didn’t want to go with me and didn’t communicate it well with me. He was just being shady and I started yelling at him because I felt shade for some reason.& then he went back to threading divorce and asked for it. The next week I continued to tell him how much our marriage meant to me and we should separate and get some space and see counseling. He refueled counseling but said he would separate and see how that went. He started sleeping in another room and the next weekend went to New Orleans under the impression that me and him would separate for a bit and hopefully fix things. That same night he ended up going to work club until 4 am. The next 3 weeks in a row he was out at the bars with his guys. we always agreed to never go to the bars/clubs without each other. Because we both agreed they were pick up places. I was so hurt. He wouldn’t even answer my calls while he was at the club. I came back from My trip we faught and fought. And every weekend he would be out until 2-3 am. He said he was just grabbing a drink with the guys. while I’m depressed home crying with a 1 year old & pregnant he’s out at the bars on the weekend and expects me to just be silent

[TrueConfection]

I recommend you get counseling even if he won't. The therapist will help you sort out your feelings and priorities and your husband might eventually agree to come to a session. Get started asap!

[Hannahbanana94]

He won’t. And he already left me and got a lawyer serving up paperwork.

[TrueConfection]

You'll need someone to talk to regardless. He still might change his mind.

[Anonymous]

The marriage started out with a foundation of mistrust with the cheating. That should have been thoroughly dealt with in premarital counseling before you ever got married so you could have had closure and let it go. Instead, it poisoned the relationship. On top of that, it sounds like neither one of you knows how to communicate constructively with each other. Yelling, controlling and verbal abuse only serves to drive a wedge between you and you both have been sabotaging this marriage probably from the start. Does that sound accurate? The fact that he’s pulled away and is seeking a divorce means the situation has become too toxic for him to deal with anymore. In all honesty, it’s probably over……and maybe it should be. There are children in the picture who do not need to be raised in a toxic environment. The only way to save things now is if both of you own up to your individual failures here and start over seeking counseling. Not only to work through past grievances but to learn healthy conflict management going forward. If one or both of you is unwilling to do that, then it’s over. Get an attorney to guide you through the divorce settlement.

[slatyb]

See a therapist. It's never one person's fault. "He has been threatening divorce for years" That's abusive.

[Hannahbanana94]

He says he has been doing that because I harass him and he feels like I’m controlling. When it’s because I never trusted him. But I can’t help but feel like everything is me. Maybe if I had been more patient, more calm we would be a strong marriage.

[slatyb]

It sounds to me like he's been gaslighting you for years. I was in an abusive relationship until we divorced. A great therapist saved me.

[abc3643]

Good riddance, as far as I am concerned. You deserve better.

[Summeroflove]

I think you probably need a lawyer and someone whose a therapist or a counselor for your own well being.

[Stevefiveo]

He already told you how he felt and showed you. Lawyer up and protect your children. Good luck.

[Noodle_fan]

lol he is the one who inititate the major damage by cheating ,, i dont understand why you would think it is your fault

let him leave

[Guy13]

Psychologist x 2.