What should I do in this situation?

[jschristopher]

i love my girlfriend very much, but I am not sure what our future holds... she is convinced that I am a narcissist, which is something that one apparently cannot live down - once this thought process begins everything is interpreted in light of you displaying signs of narcissism. and I am kinda broken, and hurt - I lost my wife and I have trust issues, major trust issues.

her point is that i should pay more attention to her needs, and if i mess up then i am a narcissist. but sometimes my trust issues get in the way... and she yells at me and blames me for it. and we argue because i don't feel loved by her, because i do not feel like i can express my opinions and be heard. she is quick to say painful comments and make me feel so small, so unloved. i feel like i am only a collection of problems to her as she is very critical of all i do. she tries to make me jealous with other men - she told me that a guy kissed her when she was out drinking, but that she did not kiss him back. she texts other guys and calls them "dear" and when they ask if she has met anyone she tells them "no." she tells me to "go meet other women." every time i tell her i cannot continue this relationship she begs me back, but then begins my inability to "not get anything right" again. she told me she was getting a divorce, but is still married and i find her husbands underwear at her house when i visit - and she has still not got the divorce... i feel inadequate when i am around her, not good enough - everything is always my fault. she will never sleep in the same bed with me, and after sex sends me to the couch. but i am required to believe that she loves me despite these signs that rattle my trust issues to the core... i give her money, but to her i should have been quicker to help. she tells me that i don't think about her. her opinion is that i am selfish, insensitive and do not love her. and i am scared that i might be a narcissist, and i don't want to hurt her at all...

Updates

1 y

update, i let her read my question so that she could correct any mistakes. she said that everything here is not true... she says rather that i don't pay attention to her needs. she says i am a narcissist because i don't care or value her, that i don't have any desire to help her. but i am kinda broke... and i have given her nearly 1000$ in the past month... granted, when she first ask me i tell her, man... i don't really have it - which is true.

[lightbulb27]

What I really wonder is why you are drawn to her, what is the attraction? That... is what you should spend time exploring as you pull away from this. You own that... where does she map to your childhood and why you are drawn to her? Are you more of an empathetic guy, caring... a caregiver type, taking on others emotions, carrying emotions and ruminating on them? You can read about these types of personality traits online. I didn't hear anything that said you are narcissisistic.

She sounds passive aggressive... isn't it fun smacking labels on people? Kinda pointless outside of therapy. She labeled you narcissist because she sees you being selfish (e. g. not loving her the way she needs to and thus causing her pain). People can project. You probably feel like you "walk on eggshells" with her all the time. If so, in time, this relationship will destroy you.

I agree with her that she isn't being loved and understood and I'm sure there are ways to improve that and help her feel better... understanding her needs, how she feels loved, listening to her, exploring deeper emotional issues from childhood that are feeding the current day issues that need resolved, some on the mans side, and some on her side. I had issues in this area and it made a big difference in the emotional stability of my wife as she always felt like she had to fight to be heard and get what she wanted, fight to be number one. Much better now. But it isn't all on you, she's in a divorce mess and she's going all over to other guys to feel get something... we don't know what that is... but it's always some fulfillment... sense of security, loved... and it's a emotional mess you are caught up in. She is really good... in that she knows how to manipulate and pull guys in apparently without much effort. If she wasn't sexually abused as a child, including promiscuous, Id be surprised. There's feeder roots to behavior. WAG. Point being, the old wounds need healed. Meet Jesus... it's a start.

Warning... women always think they are right, most people do. Actually listening and hearing takes two people... it's hard when the internal makeup is in pain. To boot... she's at her peak hormonality... you recall being a 17 yr old male horny toad right? She can't control those hormones, and it's all about making the kids right now (sub consciously).. not about fixing her crap. That's not the priority in her... that's all sub conscious. MY NEEDS!, they aren't wants. That's the other reason it's all about her and her needs in her mind and it will be for some time. Normal. You got the strength to deal with it... convince me.

From what I read, this is poison or better... maybe sandpaper and wood and you are the wood... you will end up as a pile of dust without some serious help. As it is, she's not divorced either and others guys. You need to pull out, and go back to my first sentence imho. I'd want to figure out what this "love" is and how it fulfills your life goals. Something is jacked up...

To do that you'll have to end it, write letter, not meet and talk/block, not get pulled in and suffer the loss on both sides. Maybe some therapy, read some books, journal, pray, meditate. She needs help as well, but likely will just jump to the next guy (s).

[jschristopher]

my attraction is that she presented herself as someone that she behaves nearly the opposite of now, and there is a strong physical attraction. she is a mixture - she can be extremely sweet and endearing or she can flip and say / do the most hurtful things... i am kinda broken because my wife died and I am a single parent. i admit that I have been in s situation for a long time of "having to be in charge" and without much excess time for nonsense - except, of course, when I have had enough and drown my sorrows... we had a long talk today, and the conclusion was that she is waiting for me to show her love and I am doing the same - which apparently gets up nowhere. i have passed on several girls after my wife died, very pretty girls actually - but due to their behavior i ended these relationships - so, i suppose i do not particularly have a problem ending things, even if someone is very physically beautiful. but, but, but - there is certainly something different about this girl that i cannot seem to get enough of. sometimes i feel like i have just grown so close and attached to her that i cannot say no. the truth is that i fell so in love with her that i have to admit i have never feel such an attraction in my life, actually i was unaware that such an attraction could exist previous to her...

[lightbulb27]

Attraction is sub conscious, and may not be good. You will have to dig deeper to find out what that is. The answers are in childhood emotional experiences. "Love"... attraction, tends to align opposite energies. It can be this... "My broken pieces love your broken pieces". That isn't necessarily good or healthy.

A few questions:
* How well do you feel you understand women?
* How well do you understand her needs... what does she mean when she says "love me", or why she doesn't feel loved? Is her needs "trumping" time with your kids?
* " " understand her childhood, her traumas? All women need to be loved and secure and until they get there, you will suffer and get instability. But for some, they may be out of your skill level emotionally, they can be "tempests" no matter what you do. If someone doesn't get their needs met, they will leave, they will freeze, they will fight. Most women fight when they have one on the hook.
* How much you have "left in the tank"? Fixing issues requires work, energy, investment. You are going to need a therapist and more suffering is probable. I

In general, you don't sound narcissistic, she sounds like she's projecting that onto you, and "this" sounds bad. Again, she may have a legit issue she is expressing, but something is wrong. I'd fear the distraction draws away from your children.

Meanwhile, you are hurting yourself from your loss. I'm sorry to hear you lost your wife, how tragic. It's like "God" aligned neediness and caregiving with desperation.

Question is, what do you want? To me, the value of this is getting out of it and figuring out what happened... not fixing it. It doesn't feel good, and you are in over your head. If want to talk, I'll consider it.

[jschristopher]

lightbulub, thank you for your kind remarks - I found them to be balanced and helpful. i have actually spoken to her about talking to therapist together, and she agreed to this - so I think I will give it a try. i can see some of her issues with me as valid, for sure - I can get so busy and locked inside my own world of stress, emotional pain, and just trying to survive, that certainly I can overlook some things that probably should be more obvious... when I say that I am attracted to her... i mean, for me it is something that nearly feels like I am under a spell - in that, sometimes I am surprised that I allow certain things to happen and let her walk all over my boundaries, however, I feel so emotionally connected to this girl and truly, with all my heart, want her success and joy. i have never ever met anyone like her in my life, and I have lived a very interesting and unusual life.
but there is always this grey area... is she lying, is she telling me the truth, can I trust her... i suppose that I would never have given anyone such "power" over me, but there is something inside my heart that really loves and believes in this person. i guess I am a little bit odd myself, living something rather different that normal... i mean, after all, i moved abroad to pursue a life according to my idealism, to live in a village, rejecting the values of western liberalism and pouring my life into ancient classical literature, and writing prolifically trying to answer what i perceive as the important questions of life. and some of this is probably a reaction to the loss of my wife and the realization of the vanity of this life. and, well, i mean, this girl and i are on the same page with all this... and most of the time i feel like i live in a world where hardly anyone even understands me - much less a beautiful girl that has helped me tremendously and wants to get married... does that help clarify anything, or maybe just makes it more confusing. anyways, thank you!

[lightbulb27]

Your welcome.
it's more complicated.
"She's walking all over your boundaries." - Is there truth in what she is saying and you legit need to either "choose" to love her and make changes... that in the end are good for you and your kids, or is she bullying you over and hurting you such that... it's not dooable?
It's going to come down to... do you choose to love this woman and figure out how to do that, or do you let it go because it's too toxic to you both... and what is the implication to your kids.

You are locked in a battle of emotions. This is gonna take some work to unravel and sort out. It is gonna hurt because it requires change.

There is the story of the "fisherman and the sea". In short, the guy wanted to catch a fish, the fish was so damn big and nature so hard... it nearly killed him. Ditto Moby Dick. Some people can be amazing, but destroy you. I'm not saying she's a bad person or you are bad, it's that the formula requires change, discovery, growing up... possibly change you just aren't suited for and too fast. From what I read, it sounds like too much, but as I said..."love" will draw that, it doesn't care about your well being, it cares about it's catharsis.

[lightbulb27]

"helped you tremendously" - haven't heard that.

"did I hear drinking"? - I'd so no drugs at all, this is bad enough. This is the kind of relationship where people kill each other or throw themselves off ledges. You want to be in your faculties at all times til there is stability.

Again, my advice is get therapist. If they don't "get it" what's going on within 10-30 minutes, find someone else. A couples therapist will be more referee but I wonder if they'd be so bold as to find a villain... I doubt it. Everything is about perspective. individual therapist would dig more into you, or should. Noone can tell you what to do... you have to choose it. Therpiast can help you try to make it work or break it off... in my experience.

And the golden question..."can you be honest with your feelings/emotions" when she is in the room?

[jschristopher]

neither of us drink often... yeah, i can be honest, for sure.

[lightbulb27]

that's good!

[Avicenna]

Sounds like she is the narcissist. And she's emotionally abusive. You seem to have Stockholm Syndrome. Dump her.

[richardcory]

Doesn't sound like you are very happy with her, so why not leave?

[Anonymous]

Time to move on. Nothing here sounds positive.

[In_Trance]

I think you need to have an open conversation with her about this

[jschristopher]

i try, boy do i try...