Please tell me if I'm taking a decision to divorce too soon?

[Anonymous]

He was very insecure even before marriage, checked on me every half an hour, affected my work performance and would call to listen if there are any, males around me. I felt like I am a culprit and he is right.

Afte marriage he got worse, I started panicking and started to worry even to answer question like 'have u eaten?'if I said yes he'd say of course ure gonna eat there now, uve forgotten me, u don't need me. I can look pretty when we go out together but I can't even wear lipstick to work. he has expressed desire to raise hands on me in fits of rage dieing fights. Verbally abused me and threated me and insulted my character and my family. grabbed my throat multiple times.

I left finally when he started lying that he saw my ex in front my work. these are lies to check my reaction, I am not allowed to put my feet outside of home or work or meet my family without telling him.

Finallynim divorcing and he's suddenly a changed man. he lost his job because he'd take leaves only to escort me to places. hed keep me awake at night because he has a night shift. He ran After me to work to scare me and to see if I meet someone.

After I left his house, he's been hot and cold. begging for forgiveness but also saying he's suffering, he's only talking about how he's takes meds and is all better. but if I said I can't believe u, he'd be enraged and threaten me. Then say he's being desperate. Once he threatened me that I'm too proud of being a career girl and he'll take my job away I said try it. He messaged that he's in front of my work and he'll show me what he can do. but all his threats are given from his room. tomorrow is the day our divorce finalises and he sends this text. he's saying I'm making everything up in my mind. Is he right? Help me please.

Updates

7 mo

He's still sending me emotional mails, and I have deleted my 2 email accounts. I'm a sobbing mess now, I am sure to divorce him but I feel guilty because I was only married for 3 months, and they say its too soon, he says why can't I give him a chance and leaving after only. once

Updates

7 mo

My divorce has been finalised. He came to the court, told them he wants reconciliation. I said no, he and his father went on a smear campaign how I didn't get their permission to go to my parents house, (lie). His father defended him for going to attack me to my work by saying he saw me coming from another direction many times that's why he's suspicious. I called this man dad. He pointed finger at my character.

[DaveJord]

If want a complete stranger to tell you its okay to feel the way you feel then I am telling you, that you are 100% okay for feeling how you feel.

Honestly, maybe you just want someone to empathize with you... and lucky for you I can totally do that for you. I my marriage, by the time I really and truly figured out what was going on, I found that my ex-wife had already completely isolated me from everyone and everything. If went out with freinds, I would come home to some emergency or drama. It just got easier for me to stay home. If I did something for my own peace of mind, she would spin into some type of issue, that didn't have to be issue if she would just let things go sometimes. But she never let anything just go, she held on to everything and weaponized it against in some of the most creative ways.

I will tell you that you are living with a gas lighter, they start arguments out of thin air, then as you address their argument, they blame shift. For example, I found this to be the most common way of gas lighting. You come home late from work, and they are pissed that you did not stop at the store on the way home to pick up milk from the store.

You say, you did not stop because you did not know they needed milk.

They say that they told you that morning that we were out of milk.

You say, I assumed you were going to the store, but if you needed me to go to the store then why not just ask me?

They will say that they should not have to ask you, that if you cared you would of just went on your own, because that is what a normal person would do.

You said, A normal person would not expect someone to read their minds, and if you wanted me to go to the store then just ask or remind me to.

They say, If you would of texted them about working late, they might of texted you as reminder, so why should they text you when you do not text them.

You say, we text all the time seriously?

Now what does go to store to get milk have to do with working late? NOTHING!!! It just a conversation that goes in circles and leads to nothing. The only point of it is to frustrate and anger you, and when its all down you end up questioning your own sanity. Because you know she's pissed that you worked late, but she is intentionally forcing some argument about milk. And when you get upset about the milk, they will flip the blame back on you for not knowing something you should of known... but you didn't know without being told, and that's the problem because you should of known.

It's all a means of controlling your own emotional state by provoking anger and frustration, as means of controlling you. Over time just to avoid arguments you end up not doing things with freinds or taking time for yourself, you just start texting them every day before leaving work to ask about the store, when they had all day to go, but intentionally waited to see if you would go. And just text to see and go to the store anyway because you want to avoid any arguments... so you just go along with the insanity because you are confidence that you really love them, and that is what you so for someone you love.

But honestly, it's not, that is what you do from someone that bullies, intimidates and emotionally manipulates you as means of controlling you. Over time it really turns into a form emotional trauma. I was married for 24 years to this person. For the first decade or so, I really tried to appease her, before I came to terms with all of it. Second decade, I tried really hard to stay relevant in my kid's lives, as she berated, attacked, undermined and berated me. As soon as the kids were old enough, I left.

Don't make my mistakes, by staying that long only resulted in more damage to my own health and wealth fare, and I do not know now if it even made a difference to the kids. I tired supper hard though. Trust me divorce would have been the better alternative like no more than 5 years into it all. But I felt really bad about leaving her, because honestly, she had nobody or no one else in your life. The guilt of the thought of leaving weighted heavy on me.

But trust me, this is the game they play. They weaponize your own feelings against you. It has everything to do with their own insecurity and short comings and Borderline Pathological Disorders (BPD) and Narcissistic Tendencies then anything to do with you. They do not mean to do in on purpose, but they can't ever really change it or stop it. They can with professional help learn to manage it better, but they cannot stop or completely change who they are...

Trust me, from my own personal experience, get out now. The sooner the better and take a good three to five years to really process everything before dating again. Because you find that you will jump right back into a similar relationship without full realizing all the way and things this person did to you, before stopping yourself from making the same mistakes.

[Asker]

His point is it's only been 3 months. What loss am I going to suffer if I gave him one last chance, why don't I see him for 6 months for and to see that he's changed.
he's a gaslighter isn't he. He is making me question my own reality. I have to go back to listening to the recording of his screaming fits of rage and his insults and his insulting demeaning disgusting texts. Why can't I remember how inhumanely I lived everyday! He's messed with my brain.

[DaveJord]

3 months, screaming fits of rage... Holy Shit!!! Run!!! Run hard, run long, run far!!! Metaphorically of course, doing actually run.

Bottom Line it sounds like an unhealthy situation. I did do much reading about be Gaslighters and Blame Shifters, or people with BPD's until after my divorce and I was desperate looking for answers. Be hell, at 20 years old I married, and the internet was a brand-new thing... I would definitely read more about this these things.

When meet people in the future, if they are victims of childhood trauma, then you have to seriously take you time and move slowly with caution. Like I said, most things are products of trauma and abuse. Some will say not to blame the person, but the disorder... but the disorder is part of who and what the person is. When behaviors like these begin to show themselves, they usually start in very settle and innocent ways.

This what I call the conditioning stage... were they test the limits of how far they can push things, and then slowly over time start to condition you to their behaviors, as you try to work with them or understand them, you literally accepting their behavior on some level... that is when it slowly turns darker and darker. Over time they condition you to accept some responsibility for the things "THEY" are doing. This when you start to feel lost and confused, and you start to question your own memories, thoughts and values.

This how the manipulation works... honestly as victim of a person like this... I don't care what made them that way, or what trauma they endured. I know I didn't do anything wrong other than try to love them and be with them. What their issues are they need to fix that about themselves for themselves. And if they cannot do that is a healthy and productive way, it's not a ride I want to take.

[Fireguy17]

Time to go, not saying this badly but he is coo coo for coco puffs.
You may need to be careful during and after the divorce, he might not respond well to the fact that you are leaving him.

[Asker]

Are u saying these based on what I wrote or the picture of the text?

[Fireguy17]

On what you wrote as well as what he wrote.
I just don't see his behavior getting better, and it seems like you will have to be looking over your shoulder all the time, and no matter what you do it will never be enough.
Not a great future for someone your age.

[Asker]

I was someone who craved to go home and relax with family /partner. But with him I was afraid to go home even though I am completely honest. He'd be mad if I even tell him that my coworkers are gonna eat lunch together today. And I was sitting on my desk trying to gather courage and energy to face whatever he is going to say when I get home. Then he'd blame me for cheating because I was 15 minutes late to reach home from office.

[Fireguy17]

It's past time to leave.
I know it's hard to do, but ask yourself is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?
Plus if you do stay and have kids look at the environment that they will be raised in.
You son will grow up to treat women the same way as his father, and your daughter will grow up thinking that is how she should be treated.
It can be hard to do, and it might be messy when you break it off, guys like that can have issues when someone dumps them.
In the end it will be worth it.

[Asker]

I looked at his dad and saw him. that's how his dad talks to his mom, never hits but says I'll hit u. she's like a little kid and he treats her like that.
The thought of having to raise kids in am environment like that disgusted me. I'm no saint, I'm stupid a lot and make bad decisions but I know when I'm wrong.

[Fireguy17]

Don't put yourself down.
We are all guilty of not being a Saint as well as making some poor decisions.
No one is perfect.
As long as we learn from our mistakes is the important part.
So you at least recognize that you are not happy with that behavior and now it is time to correct it by kicking his sorry ass to the curb.
Next time you will recognize this right away.
That is why it is important to meet the parents.

[haana]

leave him. i got same experience as yours. it was hell. The only difference was we didn’t tie a knot. Whenever we get into arguments, i heard thousand times he said he doesn’t need me and i granted his wishes. He came back again sending mushy texts, that he loves me, want to build life with me. It was mentally exhausting. Do care about your mental health and leave him

[haana]

and over the time i felt like i was losing myself, i let him took pieces by pieces of me. i became submissive, kept telling sorry all time over small little things.

[Asker]

With him if I spoke out against his insults he said I'm a feminist trying to dominate him.

[haana]

Hun, he said the same thing to me. He didn’t allow me to wear make up, to hang out with my group of friends. The truth is he wanted me as a possession not as an individual. He want to be god in my life, the head of the freakin table. Yes he may love me but he fail to mention that i got to trade my freedom over his love.

[Asker]

He twisted my arm twice. First time accidentally 2nd time deliberately. he lost his job and would stare at me while I was getting ready for work commenting on my lipstick or dress or hair, I'm not supposed to let my hair down anymore because I'm married now.
Now he says he didn't mean to hurt me! What did he mean to do then! He even said he kept me on video call because he loved me but he's sorry if I took it as a wrong way. Isn't it called gaslighting!

[haana]

The way he said he’s sorry if you took it as a wrong way, definitely gaslighting. He said sorry but never addressed why it’s his fault.

[Anonymous]

jesus fucking christ this guy is nuts. i'm no psychologist, but he definitely has borderline personality disorder and lovessss to gaslight you! i hope you have a good lawyer, got a prenup before marriage, and are read to move out of the city that you're in as well as get a restraining order against him...

[Asker]

Are you saying these based on what I wrote or the picture of the text?

[Opinion Owner]

you explaining the situation of how he's acting and also his response in the picture. you need to get out of there asap and away from him

[Asker]

Tomorrow is the day divorce is going to be finalised and he has resurfaced with these texts. He blows hot and cold still, telling me I'm not being fair and then saying he's sorry for everything.

[Opinion Owner]

don't take any more lies and bullshit. glad the divorce is happening.

[EmmaMary]

What the fucking hell possessed you to marry this fucking pathetic lowlife in the first place?

[Asker]

Even if i'm exaggerating on my post, what do u think based on his text? Does it seem sincere? He did monitor me every second. And screamed at me in public places, in front of my work/students, hit himself it he couldn't won a argument.

[EmmaMary]

With what you've just put in your comment, I honestly don't think I need to make any further comments/opinionsetc.

[Asker]

I don't know what went wrong with me to marry him in the first place. I was a happy independent woman. He came and made everything more beautiful and then became different. And I was left wondering why did he change, what have I done to make him not believe me. He was blowing hot and cold and I was made into believing that if I keep faithful hell understand. It's my fault that I have to go through this now.

[Celticwolf78]

Glad you are getting ready to leave him and get away from him

[Asker]

Are u saying these based on what I wrote or the picture of the text?

[Celticwolf78]

Both

[Celticwolf78]

Don't give in

[Asker]

I'm not. Tonight is gonna be tough because he'll be begging tomorrow at the court. And I cannot stand strong when someone is begging me. I'll not go back to him but the thought of having to stay strict with someone begging me on their knees kills me.

[Celticwolf78]

Yes I know it's going to be tough but you can do this have your family on your side