What to do when he told you he loves you and wants to start a family and then says he’s over it?

[Anonymous]

Started talking to a guy a little over a year ago. We were friends for a pretty long time before this and would randomly communicate but hadn’t seen each other for quite some time until right before this. I just got out of an extremely long relationship with a man who put me through the ringer. Anyways, one drunken night he told me he had feelings for me. Not to long after that we started hanging out and talking every day. He very quickly told me he loved me and would marry me one day. He also wanted kids with me. I started therapy and told him I needed time to deal with all the issues I had from my previous relationship and I needed things to slow down a little in order to not bring the bs from my past relationship in to this one. He was upset but understanding. I did pull away from him to deal with things (we hung out less) and I’m finally to the point where I feel more confident and like I’m okay with things getting more serious but past few weeks he’s been super distant and then all of a sudden told me he was kind of just over it. He said he’d miss me and doesn’t wanna lose me but wants to find someone to do all the things he wanted with me. I told him I was ready and wanted those things, gave him a few days to think, and he said he didn’t change his mind. He made it seem like maybe we could just be friends or keep screwing around but I told him I couldn’t stay in his life because it would be too hard for me. I kinda just want to know why he would all of a sudden switch up after seeming like he was fine with everything? There was zero communication in between him saying what he wanted then changing his mind. I will add that he’s not very good with communication. I have no answers still want him and don’t know what to do. We get along great, never fought, wanted the same things, and our personalities vibes well along with our sense of humor. I want him back so what should I do?

Updates

+1 y

No. He literally told me after he said he was over it that he didn’t wanna lose me and would miss me. I was suppose to stay at his house that night we had this conversation and I told him I’d still come and he said no I think if we had fun it would just confuse me. I think I’m gonna go drink tonight. Like dude what do you have to drink about lol. I think the conflicting crap is why I’m so confused and having a hard time with everything.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to accept his decision, trust gods path for your life and move on. Right now, it’s his pride and his ego leading the way rather than being fair and rational. From his POV, it has been a long time, between the lengthy relationship, and the additional ‘obstacle’ of you needing time to heal. For him, it’s been the waiting game and now that you’re ready he’s too proud to be like ‘hey, she needed some time to get over her ex before starting something new, that’s fair’. Instead he wanted now now now and is mad he didn’t receive it, and that isn’t practical for someone in your position. There’s no crystal ball to erase the time you’ve invested in your ex or the time you needed after, so be fair with yourself about that. If he feels over it, well then that’s too bad for him and hopefully he finds happiness elsewhere.

[Asker]

I really can’t at the moment. I truly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person and out of nowhere he just switched up on me. I do agree that I hurt his pride and ego tho, which wasn’t my intention at all. I just didn’t wanna bring any crap from my last relationship in to this one. I guess I probably wouldn’t be having such a a hard time if he told me why I guess. Like I just don’t know if it was he found someone new, if he got sick of waiting, if it was something I did/ just who I am that changed his mind. It’s driving me nuts. I just wanna fix it and be like stop being stupid.

[Opinion Owner]

I know moving on is not an overnight thing, it’s going to take time and that’s ok but what matters is at least trying to make progress. What I feel you’re doing now is devaluing yourself in an effort to leave the door propped open for him so he can “decide” that he wants you. This is not him valuing you and putting you on a pedestal how he used to when you were taken, this is him treating you as a option because now you’re so readily available, the chase is gone. You shouldn’t be waiting around hoping and wishing to be someone’s choice, it should be you already. You give yourself no grace at all for what you’re going through, rushing yourself along in an effort to obtain this person but at what cost? Why not have a few boundaries and standards as to what is acceptable from a man and what’s not, no matter who he is? Like from my pov, you did exactly what you should’ve done, which is not cheat, give yourself some time to heal, then date. The fact that this was too much for your friend and he’s “over it” is just nonsensical to me and a massive turn off. Now he’s got to drink and think and whatever? My goodness girl, what more motivation do you need? What’s he done in the past 2 weeks that makes him a prize?

[Anonymous]

I think he was probably too impatient waiting for you or he felt rejected bcs you pulled away from him (even though I think you did the right thing in trying to sort everything out before starting something new with him). He probably felt like you strung him along. I don't know what kind of a guy he is but if he’s immature and got his ego bruised he could be trying to “take revenge” by making you wait and chase after him this time around.

[Asker]

I don’t really find him to be immature really, like he’s got his life together and knows what he wants. I know I did the right thing but I’m mad at myself him and my ex at this point because I don’t feel like things needed to be this way.

[Opinion Owner]

You shouldn’t be mad at yourself bcs you did the right thing. Maybe it just wasn’t the right timing for the two of you. Did he mention anything about losing feelings for you?

[Asker]

No. He literally told me after he said he was over it that he didn’t wanna lose me and would miss me. I was suppose to stay at his house that night we had this conversation and I told him I’d still come and he said no I think if we had fun it would just confuse me. I think I’m gonna go drink tonight. Like dude what do you have to drink about lol. I think the conflicting crap is why I’m so confused and having a hard time with everything.

[Opinion Owner]

Okay I saw your update. I think you need to explain to him that you needed the time away bcs you wanted to properly heal so that you can be with him without carrying along any baggages from your previous relationship. Tell him that you want to be with him, there is no confusion from your end. Wouldn’t hurt to just be open with each other about any potential miscommunication or differences in expectations. But if he is really already over it then it’s best to just move on sadly…

[Asker]

Yeah I didn’t mean to do an update just reply but I’m new here and don’t know how to delete it 😆

[Opinion Owner]

No worries! 😆 I hope you get the chance to really discuss this with him tho, best of luck!!

[Asker]

I have stuff at his house so I’m gonna give it a few weeks go get my stuff and talk to him then.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe a few weeks is a bit too long 😬 since from his point of view he was already waiting for you for a while now… I think it’s a good idea to give him and yourself some space for now but maybe not longer than a week? Just a suggestion

[Asker]

Yeah your probably right about that maybe I’ll contact him this week

[Opinion Owner]

Best of luck!!

[strateguy632]

he found someone else. so look for another lover.

[Asker]

Easier said then done I suppose. I’m no longer a spring chicken, have one kid so it’s hard to get out to meet people, and I’m still trying to have one more kid which I really need to do without the next year or so. I also feel like he found someone else but I don’t really care about that person I guess. I know I should just let it go but there’s so many factors that make me want to give him some time and reach out again. He was also a friend before all of this and I don’t have many from my last relationship so I’m having a pretty difficult time with all of it.

[Anonymous]

With communication as bad as this, the future doesn't look promising.

[Asker]

My therapist said the same thing. Like he’s clearly not good at communicating would you really wanna deal with that for the rest of your life?

[Anonymous]

take this as a sign to move on because he is certainly not the one anymore.

[In_Trance]

Block him and move on