Break Up & Divorce

I text my ex boyfriend to make somethings.. like hangout.. after 10 months after we brokeup and I feel so guilty and bad :( ?

We were together for 2 years. Even our families knew each other, we were very close. We were doing everything together but he was a narcissist. it made me feel inadequate.( He said many things about my appearance and I felt inadequate and ugly. in connection with this, my jealousy increased and I started to fight all the time. He was fed up with it. Then he couldn't stand it and left. He left because his feelings for me ended. I begged a lot, but it didn't happen. It was a very difficult process for me. i didn't text to him for 10 months. I didn't communicate with him, I didn't disturb him. i continued with my life. We saw each other at the cafe and at that moment. i felt very bad. all our memories came to my mind. we literally made eye contact with him. When I saw him, i felt attracted to him. i realized that I still wanted him. (in every sense.. because he was my first in terms of sex..) Then I texted him and said we could do something together. He said that he had never looked at me that way and that he was surprised. He did not accept me. I felt very bad. It was very embarrassing. Then I told him too, i thought if he was with me, maybe he would feel something for me. I wanted to go back to the past. i feel guilty for saying this. I didn't cheat or lie. After that, I never had anything with anyone (both sexual and emotional) After all, he was someone with whom I have special memories. when he didn't accept it, I sent him emotional messages because I felt very bad, he was already someone I had a hard time giving up on, and when I saw him, i felt like i couldnt over him. Later, when I continued texting and he blocked me. But I feel so guilty.. for wanting him sexually. but I couldn't help it. If I had written to him just for sex, I would not have sent emotional messages afterwards. he treated me very badly when he broke up with me, at that time he didn't even think about what i think about him..
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I text my ex boyfriend to make somethings.. like hangout.. after 10 months after we brokeup and I feel so guilty and bad :( ?
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