How do I get back on my feet quickly with two small kids?

[Anonymous]

I am in a really toxic relationship and don’t want my children witnessing this any longer. I've finally realized that it’s never going to work and know that i need to get out of this situation very soon. However, I have a huge dilemma. I’ve been a stay at home mom while my kids father achieved his masters and after getting a high paying job. In the past 5 years he’s made nothing but bad financial decisions like getting a car way over budget for himself, paying rent instead of a mortgage. Etc. He’s barely making ends meet and of course I’m always the blame to all his problems. I just discovered he over pays for things and has large amounts of over due fees every month. I’ve done everything to try to help and administer his bills or take over any bills but he’s never allowed me to. I started working part time, i have limited time to do so since i do have to take care of my kids and im also back in school. I have a very tight budget to pay for food and necessities and have been trying to put whatever i can into savings which is barely 1k I don’t know how I could ever get on my feet everything is quickly getting out of control, and as many times I talk to communicate with him civilly he doesn’t seem to listen or care and plays victim. Any advice or suggestions?

[Oliverlogan263]

Here's some advice:

Wow girl, that sounds like a really tough situation. The most important thing is getting yourself and your kids out of that toxic environment. You've realized it's not gonna work and they don't need to see that.

A few things that could help:

- Start documenting everything - any abusive incidents, payments, bills, finances, everything. You'll want records if you end up in court battling over custody or support.

- Talk to a women's shelter or domestic abuse organization. They can help with emergency housing if needed and point you to resources for things like getting on food stamps, low income healthcare, etc.

- See if any family or close friends can help with childcare so you can pick up extra shifts at work. Every little bit helps right now.

- Look on Facebook Marketplace or yard sales for cheap used furniture, clothes, toys - whatever you need to set up your place. Thrift stores too.

- File for child support as soon as you leave. Make sure he's legally responsible for helping with the kids financially since he makes more.

- Sell anything you can that's extra around the house for some quick cash too.

It'll be tough at first but you've totally got this! Keep your chin up - in a little while this will all be behind you and your kids will be in a way healthier place. Feel free to message me if you need anything else. You've got this mama!

[OfMiceandMen]

Sounds to me like you are doing everything you can. Koodos to you for getting some savings together.

If you plan on leaving him, the kids are his responsibility too and he needs to take care of them no matter what. Take him to court and they will make him budget properly so he can pay child support. He won't have a choice in the matter.

He can likely sell the car, get something reasonable, and consolidate his debts under a smaller interest rate. This would free up some funds for the kids, then you just have to concentrate on yourself and paying your own bills.

[Asker]

Yes I’ve thought of filing so many times
He’s going to blame me for his financial problems like he already does
I’ve asked him to move with a friend into a 1 bedroom so he doesn’t pay 3k for the place we are in and he’s said he will not
The car he has. Has been in two car accidents the value is less than what he owes he can’t sell it
Omg writing this is making me realize how crazy this is
Sometimes I don’t realize how bad things are because I can’t really talk to anyone about these issues. I see a therapist weekly for depression but there’s no one else I can just talk to im trying I just don’t know how to get out

[OfMiceandMen]

Sounds like he's already blaming you for his financial problems anyway so don't let that be a con.
In regards to the 1 bedroom, he will figure that out once you are gone and it is pretty empty, not to mention when he has to pay child support or even alimony.
Unfortunate about the car, but that's his deal and as long as it goes with him, not your problem.
Is he a good dad/father? If so and you trust him then if he can't pay child support because of circumstances then perhaps he can take the children more allowing you to find a job and contribute to your own household. As long as you stay somewhat flexible, you can make a better life for you and your two small kids. If I were you, I would sit down with him and work things out so leaving is on good terms and about the kids. Arguing just slows the process down and makes everyone miserable, even the children, and neither of you should want that.

[MsProsperity]

Start looking for a full time job, don’t mention anything to him. After move back with your parents/family. Tell him he’s gotta change if he still wants this marriage, give him time to think while you’re away. I think y’all need break from each other. You don’t need to stay in a toxic relationship because of fear that you won’t be able to take care of your children alone, he’s obligated to take care of the children even when y’all separate. It’s time to think for yourself, get out of that relationship and place before things get worse sis. Start job hunting while you’re looking for a way to end the relationship

[Asker]

Thank you for your response
I unfortunately don’t have any parent that live in the same state I am. I haven’t heard from my dad in years either. He already said he doesn’t want to be with me and neither do I. I have no support from anyone to move out. I have the kids most of the day and am the one to transport them almost everyday he’s told me he won’t watch them for me to have a full time job the jobs I’ve looked for are during the day and he works as well
He’s told me he won’t watch the kids at night while I’m at work I feel Stuck

[Emanon25]

You can do it, it’s going to take time but be patient and put a target in front of, step up step you will achieve your goal.