How do I help my brother process his recent breakup?

[Anonymous]

Hi all. As the title says, this is about getting advice for my brother and not about boyfriend problems. My bro lives across the country and was dating a woman for 10 months. I never met her due to distance but I’ve talked to her on Facebook and I love her. Apparently she got diagnosed with autism at a young age though and that contributed to their breakup. On top of that, my brother is a severe perfectionist with a bad temper when things don’t go exactly to plan.

So he takes her out for her birthday and she has to take a train to NYC (we live in the suburbs) to meet him. She misses the train and he flips the fuck out and starts screaming at her. This continues (according to him) the rest of the day, I ask what’s wrong and he just curses her out. I see it’s really bugging him so then I asked her and she told me what happened, saying my bro was probably mad because she sent him a letter saying “I’m done with your put downs! You have a dead end job that with no benefits, pension or decent salary” and saying “I hope you find another woman who is willing to overlook that”. (My bro is 43 and does work a dead end job). From what she says, he screamed at her, got angry with her to the point she cried on the date and dumped her. About a week later, he gets a letter from her saying “I don’t want you back” and telling everything wrong with him and why she wasn’t capable of living alone so she took it back to him about his job. Now all I hear from my brother is that fucking bitch etc and he can’t understand why she doesn’t want to know what she’s doin. I think it’s his ego. How do I get him to realize he’s a big part of his healing. I’ve told him that’s probably why and he denies How do I get him to do realize this. She sent him a letter telling him everything wrong with him ( which was spot on no offense) including the dead end job. All he does is bitch about what she said to him and how angry he is. I think he has unresolved feelings for her. Help

Updates

11 mo

He says “fuck her” and that it doesn’t bother him but the breakup happened a month ago and she sent him the nasty goodbye message two weeks ago. He’s still sulking about what she said about him even though it’s been two weeks. I think he still wants her and won’t acknowledge it.

Updates

11 mo

One other thing I forgot to add was that my brother is angry that she bashed his job, but he also made fun of her autism ( from what she told me) and the fact that she can’t afford to live by herself.

[Finchie40]

Unfortunately you can’t , your brother sounds like he has some serious issues that he should go seek counseling for , mainly cuz he can’t take accountability for his actions or behavior, He can’t accept the fact that he treated his ex like shit , by yelling at her over things and putting her down if she falls short over something like missing the train etc.. your brother only cares about himself and what he thinks is best for himself , People like him only care about themselves and no one else really , his ex girlfriend could of been any girl and he would treat her that way , so his ex was wise to get rid of his ass and hit him where it hurts the most about his job etc. so good for her for pointing that shit out to your selfish brother. The only thing you can do for him is suggest he seeks counseling and gets help with his anger issues before he attempts dating another girl

[Asker]

I neglected the to mention he’s actually the one who dumped her. I was so exhausted when I wrote this from staying awake talking to him that I forgot (sorry), but basically he says he couldn’t stay with her anymore and broke it off because he felt she wasn’t doing anything right and was making a lot of mistakes. I agree that my brother needs counseling, I tried to tell him that everyone makes mistakes and it’s par for the course when you’re dealing with autism (I work with disabled adults so I get it were they’re both coming from). He’s dumped her before over little things and they got back together but I guess she got sick of it. He sent me the letter she wrote to him and it sounds like she’d been taking abuse from him the whole time and it finally came to a head and she basically said she doesn’t want him back this time and told him to fix himself for the next girl. Also we’ve been telling my brother for years that he’s working a shit job, he doesn’t want to get a better one. All he does is roll his eyes so good for her for saying it, but it’s weird this is the one time he gets upset.

[Finchie40]

Well either or , your brother sounds toxic and the reason he got upset is because he finally got a taste of his own medicine. People that are manipulative and selfish have a hard time admitting they are wrong , especially when someone else proves that they are , they can’t handle the truth , and can’t handle the fact that someone didn’t back down to them , Manipulative Selfish people never take accountability for their selfish actions and behaviors, it’s always someone else’s’ fault but never their own , His ex must of hit him hard with that letter making him realize that he is a POS

[strateguy632]

My advice is don't get involved.

[MasterKS]

You can guide him in better way like a mature.