What do you do when your wife finds out that her mom sees her as broken?

[worldscolide]

As some of you know, my wife is autistic. I have been very public about this. Not that anyone would be able to tell unless they really got to know her.

12 years ago I met her. As time went on, as I had interactions with her mom, her behavior seemed off towards her daughter. She was extra hard on her. Even tried to stop her "stemming" behaviors (I don't have time to explain, look up autism). Later on I talked to her dad about it. Her dad swore me to secrecy, and then told me about how her mom could never really accept her because of the autism. How she saw her as broken, and is happy I married her so she "wouldn't need to deal with her any more".. He said I wasn't to tell her unless she figured it out on her own.

My wife, due to some other factors, is in therapy. She, after her most recent session, figured out that her mom saw her as broken, as less than her other kids. And I told her what I knew. It was not a fun night. All I can do is be there, as I always have been.

She did as me why I didn't tell her. I told her what her dad told me. It's the one and only time I kept anything from her in our marriage.

She asked me why I don't see her as broken. I told her that I could never really love her, if i didn't love every part of her including the autistim. If I loved her in spite of the autism, it wouldn't be real, it would be like the way her mom was. That Is why I could never see her as broken. And why I celebrated her differences. Her dad felt the same, I told him I could never see her as broken, that she was perfect from my point of view. He said to me "that is why I was happy you married her. You see her as she is, not as her mom wants her to be".

What would you do if you were in my situation?

[DishLady]

So I want you to know one of the things I admire about your spousal journey is your absolute protectiveness of your wife… not bc autistic individuals need someone to come to their defense but bc you truly see her as the 100% stellar individual that she is.


As someone who works with many “spectrum” cases and has a kid who classifies, it’s so important for me to hear you and others reinforce the positives. For every person like YOU there are thousands of idiots who see neuropsych individuals as “broken” / “deficient” / “abnormal”… etc. Like the zillions of entitled deadbeat critics out there are supposed to be God’s gift or something.


Sigh…


Well there’s no fixing this moron of a mother, who should know better. She’s probably still calling it “a phase” or expecting her daughter to “snap out of it” and be more like ___ (fill in the blank with some loser relative the mom holds in higher regard). Just ignore it… YOU are your wife’s family now. Hang on tight to one another and trust in God. Nothing else matters.

[worldscolide]

Thank you my friend. She's just as protective of me by the way. You're not wrong about her mom though. It's why at least while she was still alive, my wife went limited contact with her for a while.

Even on our wedding her mom tried to rule everything, it was bad enough that her dad offered to just give us the money to elope.

[DishLady]

Your wife’s a true champ. I can’t believe all the Oliver Twist characters in her past!

Yes, I gathered she gives as good as she gets based on your posts. You’re blessed to have found each other. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
❤️❤️❤️

[worldscolide]

She says she is the lucky one, and i say im the lucky one... No matter what though, i am incredibly lucky to have found her.

[midnightmoon05]

I have said time again, moms can make a beautiful family or break a family/a child. In this case, she wasn’t supportive to your wife/her daughter.
we are all kinda broken in some ways. Our job is to help others navigate through life.
I am glad you two met and are together. Continue doing what you are doing. At this point, the mother is not really relevant.
the two of you have each other and can live happier without keeping the past. A good open discussion then leave it at that.
out parents can do some damages, it’s my choice to forgive them. we (me and my 3 other siblings), continue to love them and care for them as they enter their last part of their life time.
my mom is an instigator between us 4… she didn’t succeed.
Tell your wife that we love her strength and courage to stand up for herself and not let the world’s negativity affect her goals and purposes.

[dustybiker2]

You have no power over others. Only yourself.

I have worked with many forms of the disabled for decades. Autism is a dif sort of beast, as there are no two people on the spectrum exactly alike.
What I have observed is that those who have the biggest problems with family on the spectrum usually have their own insecurities. They worry how it reflects on them.
That is the reality.
I'm glad your wife has you. I'm glad she has her father. You are her anchors for when life gets overwhelming. Her mother can sort her own self out.

[On_cloud_wine]

You are a lovely human being. I can relate so much to this situation and im so happy that you make her feel like the beautiful wanted human being that she is. ❤️

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I think you did everything right honestly, my hat's off to you.

[fonduegirl]

All children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children.

This is one of those cases

[sage2021]

You and your wife don't have any problems with her autism and my sister used to always say "Don't make a problem where there isn't one".👍🏼

[strateguy632]

Tell her sometimes moms are wrong.