Would you feel it's morally right to leave a cheater even though he has made sure you had everything and been a provider?

[Anonymous]

Been married for around 8 years and have concluded that my husband will never change. He's a repetitive cheater, he does not come home some days, gets every other day drunk, and doesn't like me questioning him or trying to change him. The first years of being together he paid a little more than me, once he got his business he fully provided and made sure I had everything, food, and even gave me gifts such as a car. I am incredibly grateful since he met me during a time I was struggling.

I feel very bad for thinking of leaving him, but his cheating has not changed and sometimes I feel disgusted, I feel alone and I have depression because my family does not like him. He has not let me get a job and he has said in the past that if I leave him he will tell everyone I used him for money, and even though no one will believe him because he has found a way to try to talk to everyones girlfriend, it still makes me worried that he will say that.

He also has a health condition and he is 9 years older than me and I know I will feel guilty for leaving him since he has provided and sometimes he is a good person with a good heart, but I know he will not change. One of the consequences of repetitively cheating has been to not have kids, he has always wanted kids but never changed, I also wanted kids, so I do feel bad bad because he is also older and I just wasted his time when he could have found someone else that would give him his kids and accept him.

Getting a job is the least of my worries. I just feel like I would feel like a bad person for leaving him. He is also going through a difficult time right now with family passing, which doesn't stop him from continuing to cheat and do the things he does, but still one of the things I think of. Leaving him will also not come easy because he is very manipulative, so he will take the car and do other things. Would you feel bad? What would you do?

[jazzy34]

I would do my best to leave that EXTREMELY toxic situation, regardless of the consequences. Don't allow him to gaslight you into thinking that YOU would be wrong to leave him. Since you have no job or resources, I'd advise you to reach out to the Domestic Violence Hotline (if you're in the US, anyway). Although you're not being physically abused (hopefully), he IS emotionally and mentally abusing you. Anyway, explain your situation to them and go from there. Either way, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you're able to get out of this situation soon.

[avery58]

You're asking if it's morally right to leave a cheater? It doesn't matter if he provides, he's breaking his vows. He owed you loyalty just for being in a relationship with you, he's the one being immoral. Paying someone's bills doesn't mean you get to hurt them.

[Asker]

I agree, thank you for your response. He’s gotten in the habit of doing something really bad, then trying to buy me something later or buying me an expensive gift and I don’t accept it, but he just doesn’t take anything seriously.

[TonyMetal___86]

Plus, why would he cheat on you since he have you 🤔

[Staximus]

He shouldn't have got married if he couldn't keep his dick in his pants, and you should have left the first time he cheated. Cheaters rarely ever stop. I don't know why you would feel bad for leaving him, the guy is a piece of shit and you're in denial of it. Every time you stay after finding out he cheated, you are just telling him that's it's ok and he can cheat again. Stop being his doormat.

[Zylos]

In my opinion, you would not be a bad person for leaving him.

To me he sounds quite troubled.

Also, you only get one life. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

As for working, if you are up for it, and it sounds like you probably are, I don't think you're either ungrateful or a gold digger or whatever other accusation he might throw at you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your opinion. Very true, something in me feels wrong about it, almost guilty for taking pleasure in what he has provided, but it makes me feel better. I tried to be balanced like making sure to clean, make food, etc while I was with him.

[DishLady]

If he's a cheater you DON'T have everything bc you don't have a man who loves you. You have a man covering the cost of your life out of some sense of guilty obligation while he goes galavanting around town.

[Asker]

I appreciate your comment, makes me feel better about the decision I am hoping to make.

[Summeroflove]

It’s right to leave. You can’t make someone not cheat and it’s disgusting.

[LoysaRovic]

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[leahzrc]

This is like Hell on earth. He will never change UNLESS you do something. He has to learn his lesson. Unfaithful men will not earn the true blessings of fatherhood. He is like the demon on your shoulder telling you what not to do when you and your blessings of having a loving family is your angel. You can be free and find a faithful man. Men who are true christians and even other religions or faith based people know that cheating is morally wrong and should be shamed. You need to be free. If the world was ending, wouldn't you want to feel close to the people that actually love and care about you, even if it was only just yourself?

[Asker]

You described him very well. He controls every action, he is very jealous too, I can’t have friends. I need to ask him if I can see my family and usually he says yes but with friendships it’s different. Answer every phone call. It is a living hell. All this while he is out with women, I see his messages on Facebook asking them if their home and will turn off his phone. I agree, many men put on a fake vision for everyone and talk so much about wanting a good women. Some of these men that want a good women only want one because they know they will obey.

[leahzrc]

He is not blessed, surrounded by evil spirits. Do not let them get to you. You need to find faith in God and Jesus and the Holy spirit. I pray for you to find freedom and true love.

[Asker]

Thank you 🙏

[Aimee07]

Yes — it is morally right to leave a partner who cheated, regardless of how much they provided materially.

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[MannMitAntworten]

Only you can decided whether it is just or unjust to leave the individual in question. More importantly whether or not it is the right thing to do for you.

[Asker]

It feels wrong in a way. I’ve never cheated, but I feel sad thinking that he has always been generous despite everything he’s put me through.

[MannMitAntworten]

I get it. Perhaps take pause and try and figure out the best thing for you as you move forward. Soup search kind of thing. Ultimately it is you who has to live with whatever path you decide to take. In other words, do what is right for you and not what others may “believe” is right for you. This is your life.

[WhiteThought]

I've asked dozens of women, that if they had the perfect man, or about as perfect as a man could be, would they be okay with him having sex with other women. Every single one of those women said yes. However, in order for them to be okay with it, that man would have to meet several requirements.

It sounds like your husband meets a lot of them, but not all, and this is probably why you feel the way you do. He should not be threatening you in any way, or making you feel like a prisoner.

[Asker]

Yes and I can’t go out and he is extremely jealous. He doesn’t like if a man looks at me, so I evade most interactions with men when we go out because his mood will suddenly change if he notices a man staring for too long. I am basically isolated beaches I can’t go anywhere unless he’s with me and if I ever try to he will use it as an excuse to get drunk and start problems and get angry when he gets home. I’m not sure if he’s perfect in many ways, but I do see what you’re saying.

[WhiteThought]

Basically what I lay out is he pays all the bills, takes care of the hard labor around the house, protects his woman, takes her out on dates without her having to say anything, takes her on vacation without having to say anything, compliments her, makes her feel wanted, makes her feel beautiful, and though he may have sex with other women, he does not spend his hard earned resources on them, does not lavish them with gifts, and no matter what, his woman is priority #1 for him. Not just her well being, but also happiness.

That does not sound like him.

[Nikki1989]

No woman needs a man to be a provider.

Of course, she should have dumped this man a long time ago.

[Cormac995]

Yep cheating is an automatic deal breaker no matter the circumstances.

[FreyaRed]

I earn good and I don't need a provider. I would feel nothing while dumping a cheater.

[cavedweller1973]

Yes because once a cheater always a cheater

[jahaims]

Duh.