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My boyfriend has an emotional connection with his female friend. They been friends for a couple years and when she's going through depression anxiety attack, suicidal thoughts, she calls my boyfriend. I didn't see this as emotional cheating, but i don't see them putting boundaries. More help is needed. I told him multiple times it makes me uncomfortable.
Friday he went out to play 8pool with his buddies. Thats fine, have fun with your friends. Saturday we were on the phone all day, which was weird, I was doing hmwk. he usually just says he's gonna go watch something and we hangs up. This time he didn't. He then gets a call from his friend from 8pool around 10pm and said he had an extra ticket to the movies, his wife no longer can go. boyfriend say sure. He told me, he would go pick him up and then head out. I was like cool! Have fun. Long story short my friend calls me 1 hour later catches me up on her situation with her boyfriend, and I get in my head as it wasn't good. I did message my boyfriend Sunday about it, asked he would never do something like that? He reassures me No. He picks me up from work, came to visit my dad after hospital release, after telling him my brothers gfs did this and that for him. So he wanted to bring something too. He waits for me to get ready and we go eat dinner nice date night!
Monday my heart drops. My friend catches me up on her situation and everything is fine. But tells me to check my boyfriend location history, I feel like something is off. I messaged him calmly about what I saw on the location, he tells me, he lied and was with the female friend, I got crazy OTP. I messaged the friend after I break up with him and she tells me what actually happened. she commented on his post on 8pool, he made plans with her Sat while otp with me. Picked her up, no physical cheating, but huge as LIE and Betrayal!
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
If she was in his life before you, then it isn’t fair for you to basically ask that he cut her off because you aren’t comfortable with the emotional support that he gives. Don’t think I don’t understand where you’re coming from, I was dating on and off for almost 2 years (after having tried several years prior but losing contact for about 4), and his female best friend came with the package. We ultimately broke up because just like you, I wasn’t comfortable with how close they were and how involved they were in each others life. But I’m not a fan of giving ultimatums, nor could I force him to cut her off.
You aired your grievances already, he knows how you feel and ultimately he doesn’t wanna change his dynamic with her. That leaves you faced with a “take it or leave it” scenario, and I think you did the right thing by leaving for your own peace of mind (and also after him lying). I did the same, and now I’m engaged to someone entirely different who would never in a million years put me through all the turmoil that comes with not prioritizing your partners peace of mind. My fiancé has zero female friends, which was something I specifically sought out after what I went through with my ex. That breakup was devastating at the time, but it clearly needed to happen otherwise I wouldn’t have met this person who meets my standards and then some.
I never told him to cut ties. I accept that part. I communicated it made me uncomfortable and to set boundaries out of respect of our relationship and where we were going. I wasn't forcing him to cut her out. But as for the emotional support I felt it needed actual therapy, now they are relying on each other, advice is normal, even hangouts but not lying. We aren't certified to help people with things like that, and if you are dating it should be known to keep those boundaries for your partner.
But I can see where you are coming from thank you for the long response I appreciate the time and perspective! And yes very true that is something I will be looking for in my next relationship! Thank you again
Yeah, that’s why I said “basically”, not that you specifically asked. It’s just that as you air your grievances, it suggests that you’d prefer he either back off from her or be done entirely. Your disapproval with the situation gradually suggests an ultimatum— he either gives you peace of mind by backing off from her or risk losing you. If she isn’t raising issues with you, then it makes you look like the problematic one, even though you aren’t.
I totally understand the position, one of my ex’s biggest crutches when it came to his closeness with his friend was her mental health issues. In my opinion she was just a spoiled and entitled woman, throwing temper tantrums for attention, breaking shit, making everyone around her worried by going AWOL for hours on end if she didn’t hear from either my ex or her brother. I absolutely suggested professional help for her after one of those episodes but she didn’t think it was “that deep”, neither did my ex. This was just a very problematic dynamic that ultimately I was tired of dealing with or coming in second priority to her. It just gets to a point and it’s probably for the better that you’ve reached yours.
Also, no problem. This is a really hurtful situation for you, but it sounds like it’s for the better.
Thank you for the clarity! And honestly it does end up being an ultimatum in the end and it sucks. Super hurtful! It is for the best. Glad to know you were able to heal and find your person and are engaged!!! 💓 It really gives me hope.
For me she wasn't doing all that but in my eyes as females we know who's playing sneaky games and that's what it felt like, and it's crazy to me there are females like that because I would never do that to another female. But I let them both have it and hopefully they both learn and heal and I will move on with my life.
I do have another question, why did you keep going back as you said it was on and off?
I feel like if a give a second chance I would set boundaries and if he doesn't respect every feeling I had would be gone 💯. Deep down I still have my feelings but I feel like moving forward is for the best. Ughhh it's actually annoying me that I am thinking of second chances. I know people make mistakes but still doesn't take away the hurt and the intentions behind what they did.
Thank you love! I took some real time to myself after that breakup, it was incredibly hurtful and I think that for at least 4-5 months I was leaving the door open for “what ifs”, because unfortunately I was burdened with the idea of “losing”, and not wanting to feel like she won. When in reality there was never a prize, just a lot of disappointment lol.
Feel free to ask all the questions you want🤍. The first time was about a month or so after we first got reconnected, after a night out. It was the first time I met this female “bestie” of his and how she acted around me was very uncomfortable. It was clear she was drunk, demanding his attention with things like pulling him away from me, calling him over or coming to hang all over him. He ended up taking her home, I stayed behind and one of her friends told me he used to be in love with her but she rejected him. That whole thing made me uncomfortable, then he didn’t answer the next morning when I called/texted (I knew he had no plans for that Saturday morning). He ultimately explained everything and I decided to let it go.
The next time was because he blew me off for his bday. I probably wouldn’t have given him that second chance but he kept showing up at my favorite karaoke spot and just being all in my face. I’d even brought my mom with me one night and he started pleading his case with her. Anyway, I had a whole plan for his bday, but I guess his female bestie and her mom threw him a surprise party (I wasn’t invited), I found out through pics she posted on her story and he didn’t get back to me until like 6pm. That prompted the third and final time. We still sort of kept in touch after that (mostly because of mutuals), but that’s it. I was sick of taking a backseat to her.
Giving your boyfriend a second chance is up to you, but it sounds like you’ve already tried to set boundaries and he isn’t receptive of that. I don’t say this to detour you, I just think it’s so important to recognize what you’re dealing with. This guy cares enough about protecting that friendship he’d lie to you about aspects of it, like going to see her. To me, it shows exactly where he stands and I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, because he doesn’t see a problem. It’s more about comfort, peace of mind and respect, which may not be things he an offer you. That’s when “take it or leave it” unfortunately comes into play, and for your own dignity you may just have to walk away. It’s not easy whatsoever and sucks because I’m sure he’s a good boyfriend in other aspects. But this, in my opinion, knocks out the good. If I’d stayed with my ex because of the positives, sure I may have been adequately happy, but that is fleeting when you know that as soon as she calls or texts, his priorities shift. Feeling like you’re in competition with (or taking a backseat to) another woman, no matter who she is, will always be a source of pain that you don’t deserve. Being with my fiancé now, I don't know how I ever allowed that level of disrespect from my ex or how I ever acted in anything other than my best interest, but sometimes we’ve got to make those hard choices.
Holly thank you so much, you have no idea how much this helps, I truly appreciate your input.
That's what I keep telling myself, am I going to be a priority in his life, and deep down i feel like I won't, despite having a decent relationship prior to this. I rather have a great relationship not just decent.
I'm in that mindset just thinking why did I ever allow the small disrespects, I guess I was blind with love.
I'll just have to wait for my future husband just like you ! Someone who has time and energy and is willing to give it to me fully not part time.
If I happen to go back I feel like I'll learn something else about myself, because I'm not perfect either, but bottom line he crossed the line, and trust is gone, and really no point, because he did choose to protect that friendship instead of our relationship.
This definitely opened my eyes more, and I feel like I needed this ! Just need the will power to not go back.
I'm sorry you went through what you went through with the ex but like you said you didn't lose anything, your are so right! You were the prize the entire time. girl seriously congratulations on finding your person! Honestly makes me so happy for you ❤️
Did you take your time dating? How did you know he was the one? And how did you get your mind off your ex?
If you do go back, please don’t be hard on yourself about it or allow anyone to judge you. Because at the end of the day this is your journey and you absolutely won’t (and can’t tbh) be done until you feel like you’ve had enough.
You’ve got to come to your own conclusions, otherwise you’ll always wonder “what if”, which as you probably already know can eat you up inside. So do what you have to do for yourself and let the chips fall as they may. My biggest advice is if you do give him another chance, go into it with your eyes fully open. No excuses for him, or justifications, and if he starts fucking up (aka prioritizing her over you at any capacity), then take his decision for what it is.
A big part of why I think I dealt with my ex for that time was because notoriously I’m too optimistic, too forgiving and too kind. I really wanted to be comfortable with their connection and gaslit myself a lot about overthinking when deep down I knew better. That’s a hard hill to get over.
I appreciate you so much, thank you for being so kind🤍! I met my fiancé in October 2021, and had stop dealing with my ex as of February that year. In those months between I was mainly single. There was someone else I’d met but I was so strict with my (new) standards, I cut him off after a couple weeks of wishy washy behavior and cancelling another date last minute. We never even had one date, he flaked on the first one (which I gave him grace for due to the alleged circumstances), but twice in a row? Absolutely not lol. After my ex I really tried to spend time finding myself again and re-adjusting my standards with men, I became incredibly no-bs. I actually met my fiancé twice! The first time was at a bar and I wouldn’t give him the time of day. He was trying to chat, but my drinks, but I wasn’t biting. Then I’m November I ran into him again at another bar and I was like ok this is too much of a coincidence lol and gave him my number.
One of my biggest qualifications was consistency, and that helped me determine how genuine the guy was. He was consistent from the start, whether it was good morning/night, driving down to come see me before or after work, then we’d go out. His drive to me was nearly an hour, and I don’t drive, so for him to do that so often was very impressive to me. He was always respectful and never did shady shit, like checking out other women if he thought I wasn’t looking or anything like that. There were other things too, but what made me know he was the one was that his love was mature and intentional, he changed a lot about himself without me even having to ask. Like going to play pool every week with his friends, I took no issue with that in the first place but he basically stopped that. He’d be like “what’s the point? There’s nothing out there for me anymore” 😭. This was my first mature relationship, where I never had to question things or feel insecure. I didn’t even realize how low quality previous men were before meeting my fiancé lol and now if anything were ever to happen and I were back on the market, he set the bar so high I’d never even look at my ex again. Speaking of which, he’s not even friends with that girl anymore lol long story! But yeah, karma did it’s thing☺️
Emm... People lie when they wanna hide something. If nothing was going on with a female friend then why he felt need to lie?
Exactly! Why I broke up with him.
He told me he didn't tell me at first because he knew how I would react. He keeps telling me they are friends I told him it makes me uncomfortable and for them to put boundaries. In my head , I feel like he had secret feelings for her and not talking to her made him want to hide it from me and go and do that but that doesn't make it okay !
Dump him
I did ! But I just want to know why guys do shit like that, for me I feel he had secret feelings for her, even though they both said they don't see each other that way, but then go and do this?